


Endgame

by rebelbravado



Series: End Game [1]
Category: Set after TLJ - Fandom, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Action/Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Eventual Romance, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, Force Sensitivity, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Male Female Friendship, Mild Sexual Content, Original Character(s), Possible Character Death, Possible redeemed Ben Solo, Sexual Tension, Skywalker Family Drama, Slow Burn, Strong Female Characters, Tension all around, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, balance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-03-03 22:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 45
Words: 127,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13351242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelbravado/pseuds/rebelbravado
Summary: Her orders had been clear: Infiltrate. Inform. Don't stand out. And come home.She wasn't the first nor the only rebel spy at the First Order. But when one of General Hux' mistakes suddenly puts her on the radar of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren there's no way back. This job was never supposed to be easy, but it wasn't supposed to cost her her life. And right now, she was playing with fire. A fire ready to destroy everything, maybe even her allegiance to the Light.He didn't want to be like his master. He didn't want the Galaxy to follow him out of fear, he wanted loyalty and recognition. But finding it in the Dark had proven to be harder than he thought it would be. He needed all of them to believe in him, to let him lead them to a new Order. And he could start with her.





	1. Prologue

She looked at him and something broke.

Indefinitely this time.

The black hole that was his energy no longer scared her at this point. She would have followed him anywhere, but this..this was a path she couldn’t take. Not because she didn’t want to, she knew she would have had she been alone in all this, had she been by herself like she had been most of her life. But she couldn’t for the sake of their legacy, for what it would do to the rebellion, to hope, to everything bigger than him and her. Knowing she would have otherwise filled her mouth with a bitter taste, for they had created the downward spiral they got trapped in after all. If it wasn’t for her, he might have turned to the light, he might have saved whatever was left of the hope that was spread thin across the galaxy.

She had always known this was the most likely scenario, losing him to the dark side. Losing everything to the dark side. She wondered if there had ever been anything else, any other path that would have intertwined their lives in a less sinister way. The dark side didn’t feel like most people thought it would. It wasn’t scary or cold or heartless, it felt like a someone enveloped their arms tightly around you. It could be pleasant, but it could also be suffocating. No, the dark side was not a scary place. Insecurity was. Fighting for one or the other was. And she supposed that was the point of balance. Balance was a choice you had to make every day, something you had to keep fighting for. Dark or light was neither, dark or light was the easy way out. Balance was the Force, and the Force was balance. And they had lost it.

The skin on the left side of his face was glowing red with the reflection of his weapon. Dark eyes gleaming with blind hatred. He looked exactly like he had the first time she saw his face. Dangerous and wild, a caged animal destined for greatness but lost along the way. He was no man of absolutes. Even if he seemed to think he was. The boy Ben Solo had long ago given up on himself, finding refuge in the man that was Kylo Ren.

He was a raging ocean, a blazing fire, a supernova and he was beautiful. Despite the darkness or maybe even because of it.


	2. Snake

Her job was never supposed to be easy. Hell, her life was never supposed to be easy. But Erin never feared her life like she did the moment his hand struck across her face. Surely she’d been scared before, but in her past the thought of dying wasn’t as daunting as it was now. She had a task now, she wanted to finish what she started. General Leia and the resistance had given her much more than just a home, they had given her a purpose, a purpose worth living for. So when he spoke she did as he asked, and lifted her chin just a little bit higher in defiance. 

“Get up.” 

Hux’ cold voice slit through the silence that fell just after his strike upon her face. The sheer force of it had sent her reeling. As she got up he grabbed her arm and started pulling at it making her stumble along. The tip of her shoes slid across the smooth surface of the floor on the bridge and everyone, literally everyone, was watching them. Storm troopers, stepped aside as Hux abruptly turned at the door to face his audience. He was enjoying this, he was enjoying power and pain and touching a woman he seemed to think had been untouchable before.  
“Let her be an example of what happens when one disobeys me.” He hissed and turned once more, dramatically, as his boots squeaked and he pulled her along leaving the bridge behind. Stormtroopers followed immediately to assist General Hux in whatever punishment he had had in mind for Erin, but he dismissed them. Erin pulled at her arm just once and was faced with the consequences almost instantly as Hux squeezed harder and threw her in front of him. Even before she could get up he kicked her in the ribs until she couldn’t count the times he made contact anymore. The stale taste of iron formed in her mouth and as he took a step back she spit out the blood. Hux squatted in front of her and wiped back the strands of hair as she looked up at him. He didn’t do so out of compassion or kindness, he wanted her to see the small blaster that he had pulled from his uniform. Erin closed her eyes and swallowed, hard.  
“You’re lucky you’ve been of service to me before…” He leaned in as she tried to crawl up, sharp pain shooting through her ribs as all she could manage was prop herself up against the wall.  
“…but disobey me again and you will pay.” He aimed the blaster at her chest, the tip of it pressed against her sternum.  
“Yes, sir.” Her voice betrayed her, it sounded scared. This seemed to please the general.  
What he had asked of her was a suicide mission and he knew it. He simply wanted to test her loyalty it had seemed, and she had failed his test. Erin took a deep breath, something her training had taught her to do to maintain self control and oppress pain.  
“From now on you’ll do exactly as I say. Starting with Florian Nivvix. I want you to find out everything he knows, once you’re done with him you know what to do.”  
Erin did know what to do, General Hux had hired her as his personal assassin. His previous orders had impressed former Supreme Leader Snoke. And as long as Snoke held Armitage Hux in high regard because of her actions, Erin stayed alive. Now that Snoke was dead, Hux could use any loyalty he could to ever be able to face hi rival Kylo Ren. Erin was good at her job, extremely so. And Hux knew it. 

“Sir, Nivvix already has his suspicions…” 

Too far. 

She had pushed him too far. Hux moved the small blaster from her sternum to her side and shot right through the flesh between her hip bone and ribs. He knew he wasn’t hurting any vital organs, but it hurt none the less. The smell of burnt skin filled the air and Erin bit her lip hard at the burning sensation of a blaster shot this close up. Hux got up and looked down at her as she slumped to the ground.  
“Persuade. Him.” He flicked his hand and they both knew what he meant with those words. Hux couldn’t help but make inappropriate remarks throughout her short career at the First Order. Assuming her being a woman, or her looks were the cause of her success. Unfortunately he seemed to be the only one affected by both. Erin pressed her hands to her side hard, the pressure taking away some of the white hot pain for just a moment as the general turned and walked away.  
She must have lost consciousness because something woke her up. At first it tickled, a curious sensation that spread through her body like icy water. She knew what this was, power, a lot of it. All she could see was the white harsh light of the ceiling above her as she started to turn. She regretted it immediately, her body felt broken. It probably was. 

The sensation quickly subsided as she turned her head to follow it’s course. At the end of the hallway she could make out a dark shape. Her vision still blurry she blinked, the shape remained still but grew more clear. She propped herself up on her elbows just slightly, the metal of the ship cold against her bare stomach, cooling the burnt skin of her side. The figure took two steps to the right as if leaving but then hesitantly stopped and looked at her again. It was him. The new Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren. She had only seen him on the bridge in brief moments, always masked. She knew what woke her up now, it had been the Force. 

Kylo Ren cocked his head to the side just slightly. 

“Who did this?” his voice came out distorted, robotic.  
Erin smiled just slightly at the irony of the question. He wasn’t being kind. Ren was trying to prevent mutiny; violence amongst personnel was the last thing he needed. Erin shouldn’t betray her superior, but in the end…the Supreme Leader was everyone’s superior here, even Hux’s. Her words were left unspoken but Kylo Ren had his answer. She could feel him pry in her brain, a very dangerous place for her to leave exposed.  
“Why?” he got closer now and Erin got up quickly, blood rushing to her head as she tried to stand as straight as she could. Everything about this man seemed dangerous, he was as tall as he was strong, and not just physically. Erin decided to stick to her training, straightening her back and lifting her chin as he studied her face. He wasn’t prying her mind, this was a test. The First Order seemed to be test after test after test, no one ever trusting anyone. He wanted her to tell him the truth, and the truth was somehow funny to Erin. In a dark and twisted way.  
“Because I refused an attempt to assassinate you, sir.” He seemed anonymous behind his black mask, but the power of the Force seeped through every crack in his uniform. She could sense it, and the hairs at the back of her neck began to rise. The leather around his hand began to stretch as he clenched his fists. He turned his head and took a step back before moving in closer again. He chuckled. But it wasn’t a humorous sound. It was haunting.  
“You?” the laughter was gone now “Who are you?” this wasn’t a question, it was an insult and Erin knew it. They both knew she could never take him on, no matter her record. She kept quiet.  
“That little snake…” he spat. “if he disobeys me in any way ever again you report to me.” He turned quickly to walk away but seemed to reconsider. Erin was pushed back against the wall by an invisible force as he looked back over his shoulder at her.  
“And. Don’t. Test. Me.” The words came out slow, ice cold as a last warning before he dropped her to the ground and stormed off.


	3. Pet

It taken her several days to recover to a point where she could do her job again. No word of General Hux yet, but he would grow inpatient soon enough. So the first day Erin woke and could breathe without too much pain, she decided to get back to work. She shuffled to her mirror and assessed the damage. Her side was still burnt heavily despite the medical care she had had, it would most definitely leave scarring. Her ribs were covered in bruises that now had the colour of a nasty yellow mixed with purples. Her face was left unharmed, no traces left of the strike Hux had given her before dragging her off. She was a mess, but she could work with this mess. Her uniform would cover most of the damage, keeping up the impeccable standards of conduct and appearance according the First Order demanded. The last thing she could afford while amongst the First Order was to look weak. 

Florian Nivvix was a guest at the First Order. An arms dealer, ties with his family going back to the Empire era. Nivvix had angered General Hux by giving the Resistance a better price for their supplies. Of course it was no surprise he would deal with the Resistance, this was business, but the First Order expected a special treatment. Or at least Hux was naïve enough to do so. Nivvix was young, half way his thirties, and handsome. He reminded her of a rebel friend back at the Resistance. Dark curly hair and charming wit. He was an intelligent businessman, a natural talent at flying mostly anything and a successor to his fathers heritage. And now he was dead. Erin stared down at his lifeless body and felt a tear run down her cheek. She hated being used as a weapon, and would never kill anyone that was in fact a friend to the Resistance. But her talents and upbringing had helped her get this far. She was sent to the First Order to get close to their leaders, and was told to take on any role necessary to do so. She was also supposed to report back to the Rebel Alliance any chance she got. And this was one of them. 

After sending an encrypted message back to the rebel base she hurried to the bridge. Hux wanted her to report immediately whenever she had followed his orders and so she did. She reported to the stormtroopers at the door to the bridge.  
“Erin Agarun..” that name was a lie. “..for General Hux, code K-13.”  
They stepped aside and let her through; it wasn’t busy at the bridge. They seemed to be going about their regular schedule. Erin swallowed as her ribs ached with every step, keeping her thread strong and consistent. Her dark hair tied back neatly into a bun, not a strand out of order. Her uniform reached up to her jawline and she was thankful, the bruising wasn’t visible this way. Her dark eyes pierched Hux’ back, she wasn’t aware she was doing it until she saw him shudder slightly before turning around. As if something had startled him.  
“Ah miss Agarun, I presume you’re here to tell me you’ve completed mission K-13?” what he was really saying was that if she hadn’t, she better not show up here unannounced.  
“Yes, sir. The subject will no longer form a threat.” Erin stood up a little taller under the scrutiny of the general and as soon as she spoke she could feel a tingling sensation run up her spine. Much like the feeling she had probably given Hux by letting her Force sensitivity slip through thanks to her emotions. Right there, just behind General Hux was a high dark seat and in it was a man. The only thing giving him away, besides the Force that only force sensitive beings could feel, was his mask. It was no longer hiding his face, instead it was resting on his arm rest. She could see the side of his face, pale skin and hair even darker than her own, turning to listen in on their conversation. She could see his hand tighten around the arm rest before her eyes shifted back to Hux. Had he felt her?  
“Excellent.” Hux radiated whenever his plans were successful. Probably even more so since he could brag about it to his commander. He quickly turned when a deep voice spoke up.  
Erin had heard a lot about Kylo Ren, from people closer to him than anyone on this ship, but she wasn’t sure she was expecting any of what was in front of her. His voice was like venom-spiked honey, deep, rich and thick with supressed anger.  
“General Hux.” Ren spoke monotonously as he stood, looking out at the galaxy in front of him. It seemed as if everyone in the room was pretending not to listen, making them quieter than usual.  
“Would you consider the girl a valuable asset?” he asked teasingly.  
Erin felt her hands shaking and quickly clasped them together behind her back. He had felt the Force, she was sure of it. He was onto her and she would die, right here and now. It took everything she had to keep a calm and steady gaze fixed upon Kylo Ren’s back as they both waited for Hux to reply. Hux seemed just as fazed as Erin was, but probably for different reasons. As if he wasn’t willing to lose his pet to an angry parent.  
“She’s been of great service, Ren.” There was defiance in Hux’ voice and Erin figured this wasn’t his best move but let things play out in her favour. Kylo Ren’s head dipped as he shook it from side to side, slowly turning. All of a sudden she knew where he was going with this. The assassination. Her heart beat violently against her chest as she watched the young man walk closer to Hux, his gaze to the ground, strands of hair falling around his face. He looked wild and tamed at the same time, and he scared her. He walked up so closely to Hux, it was almost intimately if it wasn’t for his dark demeanour. She could now see his face as he moved it close to Hux’ ear. His pale skin and strong nose.  
“She reports to me now.” Was all he said, his voice cold and quiet. The demand was clear yet Hux’ didn’t seem to agree. Erin squeezed her thumb behind her back, Kylo Ren wasn’t giving her away. He wasn’t going to tell Hux’ she told him about his plans. Before Hux’ could protest Kylo’s eyes shot up to meet hers. There was no message in them, just strange curiosity it seemed. A wave of power crushed over her mind but it wasn’t an attack, it was him exploring just the surface of her mind.  
The feeling was gone when Hux huffed and uttered an aggressive “But…” before choking, grasping at his neck. Erin took a step back startled, but corrected her posture immediately after doing so. Kylo Ren had redirected his power to Hux now.  
“Speak and you’re done.” He dropped him to his knees, and looked around the room as if realizing this action would make him less popular around his followers. For a moment he had lost control, his movements more frantic than military. He knew that fear was what made them follow him but he needed loyalty. Loyalty she had shown when she told him the truth about Hux.  
“The girl reports to me. You’re done with your little pet.”  
Those words. He had used the words she imagined Hux to think of her. He had been in her mind and she hadn’t even realized it. He looked at her again, his gaze more telling now as Hux coughed behind him. He took three big steps toward her, towering over her as he spoke.  
“You’re dismissed, Agarun.” He knew her name, he had probably done his research. What had he found? She had been with the First Order for over a year and a half now, was it enough to distract him from her hidden past.  
She nodded quickly.  
“Yes, Surpreme Leader.”  
She turned on her heels and tried to walk away as bravely as she could. Pretending what had just happened wasn’t getting her in even more trouble at all. The entire bridge was staring at her, she could feel their eyes on her back, on her shoulders, on her head. She knew what they were thinking, and she was thinking it as well. 

Dead girl walking.


	4. Beginning

He watched her move closely. His opinion of Armitage Hux wasn’t a rather positive one but if anything Hux’ had an aptitude for spotting talent. He had used it to build his way up to the top within the First Order. He had even tried to use Kylo that way. So why this young woman? And would she serve him just as well. Her style in combat was wild, venomous almost, like she was fighting with anger. She was petite but moved over the entire training floor with a speed most men twice her size lacked. If she was going to work for him, she might as well get even better at it.   
“You’re sloppy.” He said.   
The girl looked up suddenly, completely still except for the heavy rise and fall of her chest. She looked tired but this didn’t take away the fierceness of her eyes. What was that? He wondered as he cocked his eyebrow and moved from behind the glass slowly to the floor. She stood up straight, following protocol as she greeted him. She was still out of breath, which made Kylo wonder if she was weak. He nodded his head to her legs.   
“Your feet give you away.” He explained.   
She looked down at them but didn’t move any further.  
“Don’t get too eager.” He went on. “It makes you look weak.”   
Her eyes shifted back to his now, and she narrowed them slightly, in concentration he realized. She repeated her last series of moves, immediately improving based on his feedback. But there was still this wildness, an uncontrolled survival instinct in her every move. This wasn’t all First Order training. This was something less professional.   
“Who trained you?” it wasn’t a question as much as it was a demand.   
“Back at base? I was in Samo’s training unit, sir.” She looked up at him.   
She was playing dumb and it was annoying him, he closed his eyes shortly while taking in a deep breath through his nose. His temper had lost him the loyalty of many at the First Order, he had to rebuild his following. When he felt he had regained self-control he preceded. He shook his head at her answer.  
“Before.” He could tell her breathing had gotten back to normal, and so had her voice, it was lower than he had expected it to be coming from her small frame. And there it was again, her blunt honestly. She wasn’t trying to impress him like anyone else.  
“Me.” When she seemed to realized her one word answer could seem disrespectful she went on “I trained myself, sir. To survive the arenas at Tabo-kul.”   
Kylo drew his head back just slightly in surprise, he had never met a slave from Tabo-kul before but this was the last thing he expected to have seen if he did. Tabo-kul was a savage planet in the Outer Rim, using slaves to fight for the entertainment of the rich, it was a dark and dirty place. Kylo had only been there once. They were loyal to the First Order but not of much use. This explained her feral combat behaviour. This also meant she’d do anything to not have to go back there, he could win her loyalty, he could make her understand his vision for the future of the First Order. She wasn’t much but it was a good place to start. To finally get a loyal following, people who understood his leadership. 

People who understood him. 

*** 

She trained every day; even after what Hux had done to her she had to to stay strong enough. Or was it to stay sane enough? Moving like this, dancing through the training quarters at a pace that would outrun the trouble in her head, made her feel free. She liked it best at the hour everyone else seemed to be resting. It was quiet, Erin liked quiet. It was hardly ever quiet or peaceful at the First Order. It wasn’t unusual for the warriors to train this much, it was obliged even. Hux liked them at their best, and their best never seemed anything that was actually achievable. 

Hux.

He was no longer in command of her. She was unsure how she felt about this. She never liked him as a person. He was cruel and proud. But she felt in control with him. He wasn’t Force Sensitive, which meant her double role within the First Order was considerably less obvious. He was power hungry and as long as she helped him get that power he wasn’t asking questions. He was predictable. Her recent promotion was never according to plan. General Organa would never ask her to go on a suicide mission like that. But there was no way back now. 

“You’re sloppy.” His deep voice had her startled but she tried her best not to let it show. She was out of breath as she turned to look at him. He wasn’t wrong, Erin’s style was unusual. But if anyone had a uncontrollable style in battle, or even in life..it was Kylo Ren himself. She wished she was in better shape, but to be honest Hux’ attack on her made it harder. Her breathing was unsteady as the burnt skin of her side started acting up thanks to the friction with her clothes on sweaty skin.   
“Your feet give you away.” He explained. And for a split second he seemed human, normal even. Erin allowed herself to check her stance.   
“Don’t get too eager.” He went on. “It makes you look weak.”   
She could do two things, she could let her pride turn this into an argument, or she could learn something from a very powerful warrior. She decided the latter was the better option, even if he was a warrior of the Dark Side. She looked up at him and took in his words, trying to figure out how to use them. It felt strange but she repeated her last series of moves taking in his feedback. It felt like she was holding back at first, but she got the hang of it after a while even if it was just for one or two kicks.   
“Who trained you?” he demanded, his eyes seemed to go black every time he fell back into the role of Supreme Leader. Erin decided to play along. Playing with fire.   
“Back at base? I was in Samo’s training unit, sir.” She looked up at him and instantly knew she had made a mistake. He was losing his temper and everyone knew what happened if Supreme Leader Kylo Ren lost his temper even if she had not yet seen it herself. It wasn’t pretty. He seemed to calm down enough to utter a word in annoyance.   
“Before.” His voice was deep and sticky, it clung to her mind even after he spoke.   
“Me.” She didn’t want to say more, so why did she keep talking? “I trained myself, sir. To survive the arenas at Tabo-kul.”   
She had told him the truth once again, and she was just as unsure if this was a good idea as she was the time she told him about Hux’ command to kill him. The emotion on his face seemed to shift. There was no annoyance making his brows furrow anymore, this emotion eased out any tension in his face. He blinked slowly before looking at her again.   
“Why did you tell me the truth? About Hux?” his voice was different now, less controlled. He always seemed to choose every word meticulously and now he just spoke. It seemed to suit him. She didn’t break his gaze as she answered. It was intimidating.   
“My allegiance is with the First Order, not with the general.” This answer seemed to please him. 

***

“Good.” He nodded and took a few steps back, as if he was leaving. He had heard enough. Just before he left the training quarters he turned, the sudden movement made his cloak float dramatically. He looked back at her while she turned to watch herself in the reflective wall, she was adjusting her stance with his feedback in mind. This made him feel strangely content. Finally someone other than Snoke saw his potential instead of following orders like a coward. She was getting better already, especially for a self-taught warrior. She had potential, especially if what he had felt during their first encounter was true. He suspected the girl to be Force Sensitive, but he wasn’t sure if she knew it yet. And if she was he wondered about her legacy. Things were surely getting interesting around here, he thought. She repeated the same move several times, trying to perfect it as he watched. She wasn’t aware he was still around, he could sense it. She was distracted, troubled even, she was here to help her forget about things. He could feel her restlessness.   
“What did he make you do?” Kylo Ren asked out of pure curiosity. She raised her brows and turned to look back at him. Her brows were as dark as her hair, making each expression a strong statement across her face. Her skin glowed like honey; it was slightly tanned as if the sun had recently touched it which was impossible in space. She would’ve looked exotic if it wasn’t for a few lost freckles across her nose. She looked alien, different from the pale faces that wondered the ship.   
“Assassinate his personal enemies, mostly.” The answer was simple and it was the truth, Hux had used her for his own interests, to protect his pride. Kylo didn’t answer right away, he didn’t do anything at all for a moment and it felt nice. No mask, no bravado, he was just standing there quietly overthinking her answer. He wasn’t sure if he was playing his cards right by showing her just how much he knew already.   
“How?” he pressed slightly along the edge of her mind, he wanted her to answer him honestly again but he wasn’t sure she knew. What he felt there was insecurity and doubt and he interpreted it all wrong. She doesn’t understand, he thought. 

***

“How?” she could feel his consciousness brush across the outer edge of her mind and tried her best not to protest too obviously. He would know if she was and it would mean trouble. He knew what she was, he could sense it, of course he could, he was the most powerful Force user out there.   
“…you’re Force sensitive.” He breathed and the faintest hint of a smile played around his lips. Erin didn’t know what to do or say except that even if she was loyal to the First Order she shouldn’t feel ashamed of this power within her. It was something to be proud of, no matter what side you were on.   
“I’ve always felt it..but I don’t always know how to use it. It just…happens.” She said, her voice soft as if she was insecure. This was a lie, or half of a lie anyway. She didn’t quite know what to do with the Force, she could just feel it, everyday and every moment. And when she really wanted it to, it made others do things for her. It made others make things easier. Like it was easy to kill Nivvix because he wouldn’t put up much of a fight when she asked him to. 

Kylo Ren’s head cocked to the side as he considered her words. He was so careful and calculated.   
“Tomorrow, 0800. Right here.” Was all he said before he left turned to leave for real this time.   
Erin stood still in confusion. 0800 wasn’t tomorrow, it was today and just a couple of hours away. Erin really should get some sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think about me playing with point of view in this chapter. Did you like reading from Kylo Ren's perspective or should I stick to Erin's? Thank you so much for reading!


	5. Memory

Too much had happened for Erin to process, resulting in a restless night. Her body was aching all over and even taking off her clothes hurt so she didn’t bother to change out of her uniform completely and let herself fall onto her bed. At nights like these the rooms of her quarters seemed to close in on her and she missed her friends back at the Resistance. She missed being in a place where friendship existed. It felt too similar to her past, the one she escaped from thanks to the Resistance. 

That night she dreamt of her best friend, unsure if she could even still call him that. Her mind took her back to the arenas of Tabo-kul. To the pure desperation she had felt when every day was a struggle to survive. Not even the First Order was as dangerous as that place had been. Her dreams took her back to the day she got out, the day Poe Dameron found her and a handful of others and promised them a home at the Resistance. Erin and a child of just 9 years old were the only ones who had survived the escape. She may have escaped the torture physically, but her mind got stuck there more often than she wanted it to. Resulting in a long struggle with anger management and trust issues. Something Poe as well as General Leia Organa had guided her through. But today Kylo Ren had seen that part of her nonetheless, and it lead them down a path she was afraid of following. She knew how much he meant to Leia still, how she still had hope for him to return. But the man she had seen seemed nothing like the boy from her stories. Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, had turned into Kylo Ren the Jedi Killer at the hand of evil itself. And somehow she felt like she understood. She understood the pull to the dark where things seemed safe and clear because you were in control, because you were closed off to anything that could actually hurt you. 

She needed to see where this was going for Leia, to see if there was hope. It wasn’t her job, it was her duty and if she would die trying then she would have peace with that. She owed it to the resistance.

***

It was 0800 sharp and Kylo Ren was pleased to see no one dared to enter the training quarters while he was there. Again, out of fear. Fear seemed to be his most trusted friend and his biggest enemy. He hid behind it like he used to hide behind his mask before killing Snoke. As long as everyone was scared of him, no one would get close enough to see what scared him. 

She wasn’t wearing her uniform. Instead she was dressed in form fitting black, her neck exposed this time making her look fragile. Her hair was pulled back in a braid and he could faintly see dark circles under her eyes. Her boots on the ground in a strong and steady thread where the only sound in the room as she walked up to him. She bowed her head and he studied the top of her head, her hair was different shades of brown under the fluorescent light.   
“Supreme leader.” She spoke quietly before standing up straight, her chin lifted slightly to meet his gaze. Kylo didn’t reply, instead he lifted his hand and with a flick of his fingers the windows at the corridor side of the room turned from transparent to a milky white. He saw her eyes shift quickly to the windows and started walking alongside the uncovered windows, staring out at the stars beyond.   
“Anything that happens here stays between these walls.” He pointed a leather-gloved finger around the room. He didn’t look at her expecting a reply; instead he kept walking, slowly taking off his gloves.   
“You’re new at this, but I won’t have untrained Force Sensitives on my ship. It would be a waste.”   
He turned his head toward her but had not expected to meet her gaze directly. It felt like electricity and he assumed it was the Force.   
“Hux’ use of you was exactly that…a waste. In fact I doubt he even knew what talents you possessed.” He took three large steps and towered over her.   
“We’ll start with combat. Prove you’re worthy and I can show you more.” He knew he could be arrogant; he had been during his Jedi training. Always best in his class and always ready to rub it in your face. He was like his father that way. Anger boiled up inside him at the thought of his parents and he took a step back and turned. Trying to readjust his composure but soon deciding he could use this anger to train the girl. Without warning he turned to face her once more, striking out immediately as he did. 

***

His feet gave him away like he had told her hers had done. She leaned back to avoid his fist and felt her ribs protest causing a quiet gasp to escape her lips. She could feel the air that moved because of his movements brush against her face. He had been close to making contact and he wasn’t giving her time to catch up. They ended up in a rhythm of stepping, ducking, blocking and avoiding. Their strained breaths the only sound coming from their bodies. She was surviving, barely. He was so much taller making it easier to reach her, but she was quick on her feet and more flexible. She tried to keep up with his movements and predict what his next move would be, her brow furrowed and was soon covered in sweat. When his fist finally made contact it hit her hard in the stomach, she bent over as the breath was kicked out of her. Gasping loudly before trying to control her breathing by letting out air through her mouth. She could hear him breathing just above her, standing still as if nothing had happened. Her hand were shaking and she pressed hard into her stomach, trying anything to take away that pain.   
“Up.” He said, and when she got the strength to do so they went at it again and again and again, each time resulting in Erin losing.   
“Up.” He wasn’t going easy on her, he wasn’t treating her different because she was a woman and he surely wasn’t treating her differently because he outranked her. He was simply showing her what he could do, and demanded her non-verbally to do the same.   
“Up.”   
She couldn’t.   
“Get. Up.” He demanded, his voice turning darker.  
Erin was on her stomach and tried to prop herself up, her body protesting painfully. She could hear him run up to her and squat down beside her. His face was dangerously close to hers as he roared at the top of his lungs.   
“GET UP!” he took her arm and forcefully lifted her to her feet, it hurt but she was grateful, she wasn’t sure if she would’ve made it to her feet without the violence. Her legs were shaking as she looked up at him.   
“You’re weak. Why?” he was a very practical talker at times but she wasn’t sure he wanted an answer. He looked disappointed, maybe even bored. Erin closed her eyes and finally got a hold of herself. When she opened them she was staring at his face, her gaze determined.   
“Again.” She said as she readied herself for a fight. 

***

“Again.” She said, and her eyes were on fire. He had her right where he wanted her. Raw and desperate, he could start to feel the tingling sensation of power coming from her. She was close to cracking now and he was so curious, longing to see someone like himself to know he wasn’t a monster, or at least not the only one. Kylo barely gave her time to prepare as he went right for the places he knew had hurt. He was sure the pain that Hux had inflicted upon her when they first met was what was weakening her, and he was using that knowledge to play it dirty. She must’ve been used to pain by now, he thought. As he turned and went right for her ribs he was surprised to hear a roar coming from her lips. He looked up in awe, seeing the Force in action would never seize to amaze him. Paired with that uncontrolled emotion was a wave of strength that pushed him away and send him flying into the wall of the training quarters. It hardly hurt, and if he hadn’t been provoking the girl to her edge he would’ve easily withstood the attack, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to know if he had been right, and he was. 

She was breathing hard and bent over resting her hands on her knees as she tried to stay upright, he could tell the use of the Force had drained her. As she stood up tall again something in her had changed, he knew she felt it too. That feeling of having a power others did not was exhilarating and he mirrored her actions when he rose up to meet her. She didn’t look frail anymore; she looked like she was ready to combust right there and then as she met his gaze. 

***

Erin was shocked at what had just happened. She had felt the Force before, even as a child, but never like this. She had never done something like this and she could feel every fibre of her being enjoying it. Enjoying the power that seemed to surge through her body. She was shaking when she met his gaze, again that faintest of dark smiles playing around his lips that ensured her he wasn’t going to kill her for attacking him like that. He had provoked her she realized, it was never just about combat, it was about pushing her over the edge. No one had ever looked at her like he was doing right now and it made her tremble. He looked at her as if he had found something he had been missing. Her chest felt heavy as it rose and fell and she swallowed, her heart beating violently against her ribs. They stood in silence like that for a moment and it felt strangely intimate.   
“Who are you?” he asked her quietly. It was a dangerous question.   
She shook her head in reply.   
“I’m no one…” she breathed.   
The answer wasn’t enough and he lifted his arm quickly, his palm open and toward her face as his fingers curled with power. Erin wasn’t nearly strong enough to resist him after what she had just done but she could not go down without a fight. Whatever he would find in her head could endanger everyone she ever cared about and more importantly the only hope for peace the galaxy had left. But the young man didn’t trust her, and with good reason. He pushed harder to break the barrier around her mind and she could feel her legs shake.   
“Get out…” the words came out strained but in defiance, she felt violated while he stared down at her. No doubt trying to find the answer to his question and maybe even more. She could feel tears well up in her eyes as she tried to at least hide away the corner of her mind that would cause others harm.   
“…please.” She pleaded, surprised he pulled back and took a step backward. The struggle had exhausted her so much she fell to her knees. His dark eyes seemed confused as he studied her face, they were gleaming with something she had not yet seen before. Pain. 

***

He wasn’t sure what he expected to find in the girls head but he needed to know if he could trust her. She did what she could to resist but it hardly mattered. While it took a lot of energy to read the mind of a Force Sensitive human it was a skill Kylo Ren had mastered at an early age, this girl was only starting to realize the power the Force could give her.   
He realized he had expected to see betrayal. But something in her mind lead him to a peaceful scene at a lake, a memory. Within the memory was the answer to his question, he could see them so clearly as he felt a wave of sadness come over him. He realized they were gone, and had been for a long time. He didn’t recognize her parents, but there was something about the face of her father that felt familiar. He had seen those eyes before. The man smiled and Kylo soon realized he wasn’t smiling at him, but at his infant daughter. The memory was vivid, laced with nostalgia and gone before Kylo could study it in detail as her words drew him back.   
“…please.” He could hear a faint sob and was distracted enough to pull back from her mind. He had seen no immediate threat. He closed his fist and dropped it to his side, something about the memory he had found was haunting him as the girl dropped to the ground. The tinge of guilt he felt made him turn in disgust. Snoke had been right, he was weak, his humanity always coming back to stab him in the back. And as the memory of the girls parents was still sending a shiver up his tall spine he took large angry steps and left the girl behind without any directions.


	6. Birds

She did not sleep that night.

 

She was lying curled up on her side on the hard mattress in her small quarters staring out of the only window in the room. It was narrow, reaching from the ground up to the ceiling and she could see stars beyond stars in what seemed to be an infinite black. She missed nature even while she was floating right in the middle of it. She missed fresh air and real gravity and sunlight. The only indication that night turned into day was the clock on her nightstand, and by the time she should’ve gotten up to start the day she was finally asleep.  
  
_“You don’t have to go you know.” He seemed so real in her dream. “You could help us out just fine right here.”  
“Poe…” she shook her head. “This is an important opportunity for the Resistance.”   
__“They can send someone else!” he protested, his face still covered in dirt from his last fight.  
“You know they can’t. Look at her.”   
__She pointed at the holding cell that held a girl who looked eerily much like her. The Resistance had been able to capture her during her mission for the First Order and she had quite easily provided them with enough information to be able to infiltrate without too many problems. General Leia Organa herself had asked her if she was ready for this, and she was._  
“Yeah well, you’ve been through enough out there.” He huffed and crossed his arms. Their relationship seemed to shift lately; she was unsure what was causing it. One moment he seemed to be like a big brother to her and the next he was as protective over her as only a lover could be. Not knowing what they were frustrated her beyond measure. She scoffed.  
“Don’t. I never asked for your pity. I can take care of myself just fine!” This was turning into a fight; they had those a lot lately.  
“It’s a suicide mission.” He raised his voice now too. “Leia is wrong to ask this of you!”  
 _“She has faith in me!” she yelled back._  
He walked up to her and got a hold of both of her hands, squeezing them slightly. His skin felt warm and familiar, like family.  
“So do I. But that place is sick and evil…those people…” he spat out.  
 _“I’m going. I’m leaving in an hour and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” She sighed and suddenly felt too tired to fight. She pulled her hands from his and turned. She had hoped he would’ve been proud to say the least; she was finally becoming who she was supposed to be. She could actually do something to help._  
“I’m going Dameron!” she yelled as she walked off, only using his last name when she wanted to make a point. The last thing she felt before she woke up was a pull at her arm and the pressure of his lips to hers. It had been the strangest goodbye she could’ve ever imagined.   


***  
  
Kylo told himself that what had happened with the girl had nothing to do with him leaving on a mission that seemed useless from the start. Following a weak lead that led to nothing but a dead end. Did he really expect to find any remnants of a rebel base this far out in the galaxy? When he got back and was no longer planet bound he couldn’t help but feel almost eager to work with her again. Somehow having another Force Sensitive human on his ship made him feel less alone, he wondered if she was the only one or if there were others. He decided to pay more attention in the future. The Force seemed to manifest itself more and more often lately.

As General Hux briefed him on what had been going on amongst his troops while the Supreme Leader had been out on a mission Kylo scanned the room. His eyes narrowed, as he wondered why his new asset wasn’t in the room. He had made sure she was instructed to be there. He had decided to make her part of his closest team now, along with whatever was left of the Knights and some consultants Kylo merely kept on to cross Hux. But she wasn’t there. While Hux was demonstrating how he was planning to run his next mission Kylo got up, pushing back the chair he had been sitting in with a soft hiss as the mechanism strained to keep up with his strength. Hux protested in vain as the Supreme Leader turned and left the meeting room, his voice strained as he yelled.  
“We’re not done here, sir!”  
Kylo raised his hand in the air and kept walking, flicking his fingers just slightly to choke Hux enough to make him shut up. The gesture was childish but he didn’t care. He could feel the disapproval coming from the others in the room; it followed him all the way down the hall.

 

It wasn’t that hard to find her. The ship was big but not big enough to keep him from sensing her presence when he focused hard enough to do so. He found her where they had last spoken. She wasn’t alone, all around her were men sparring together and re-enacting battles they had not yet seen. She was just sitting there by the windows. Legs crossed while her hands rested gently on her knees, she was very still even though there was so much turmoil around her. Kylo didn’t hesitate when he entered the room; all men looked up and greeted him accordingly.

“Leave.” One word and everyone obeyed.

He could see her tense up at the sound of his voice. She had heard him but waited until everyone was gone to speak.

“I don’t feel like training today.” She said.  
He raised his brows at the audacity of her words. The girl had some nerve to deny him like that.

“You weren’t at Hux’ update.” He stated.  
“Didn’t feel like that either.” Her voice was flat and he walked up to her slowly, almost careful even though he knew he wasn’t in any danger.  
“You were instructed to be there.” He said, his voice strict as he stood quietly beside her.

She didn’t move and as he looked down at her he could see that her eyes were closed. Her dark lashes feathered out against her honey toned skin. The dark circles were still there.

“And you were in my head.” Her brow furrowed as she spoke and her voice was venomous as she spat the accusation at him.

Kylo clenched his jaw as he tried to suppress the anger rising within him. Who did she think she was speaking like this to her Supreme Leader. He didn’t speak. She got up swiftly and looked up at him, he didn’t move as he stared out at the sky beyond the glass in front of them.  
“It was the only part of me that wasn’t violated before, and you didn’t even hesitate.” She hissed and he could see her step back in fear as he suddenly moved to raise his hand. He wasn’t going to hit her, was he? His hand hovered just next to her head. His jaws tightened as he let out a soft groan in frustration. He flexed and curled his leather-gloved fingers as if he wanted to claw at her cheek before he relaxed his hand and dropped it to his side.

“I don’t have the luxury of trusting a stranger.” He answered, his jaw still clenched making the words come out eerily slow. He was beyond frustrated; his hands trembling as the girl defiantly met his gaze.  
  
She didn’t seem to care in that moment if he would hurt her or not. She carried such anger toward him. He mirrored her anger as he looked down at her, his dark eyes blazing with frustration.  
“After being in my head I doubt we’re strangers any longer.” She replied.

“Which is why when I ask you to be at a meeting, you obey.”

She huffed and he was willing to meet her halfway.  
“If you listen, I won’t do it again.” His voice softened slightly and she raised a brow, crossing her arms.

“Fine.” She wasn’t agreeing whole-heartedly but it was enough for now. “Where were you anyway?” she continued. The question and tone in her voice making him draw up his defenses again.

“That’s none of your business.” He replied curtly.

She stared up at him in disbelief and shook her head, just a moment ago he had told her to stay up to date on his business and now he was shutting her out again. Kylo felt confused as the girl started to walk away.  
  
***  
  
“There were rumors of a rebel base on Aruda, I went to see if the rumors were true.”

She topped in her tracks, the palm of her hand resting on the doorpost as her heart skipped a beat. He had been looking for the Resistance, of course he had. By this point even Erin had no clue where their base was. She turned slowly, pretending to be interested for different reasons than she was.  
“And were they?” she asked.  
He shook his head.  
“The chance was slight, but I had to know.” He confided in her.  
Aruda was a jungle planet, Erin had never seen anything that was supposed to be that warm or green. She wondered if Kylo Ren would still look as dangerous bathed in sunshine and surrounded by tropical plants. She couldn’t imagine him anywhere else than in the midst of vacuum and ice.  
“Where have they been detected last?” she dared to ask. She was lucky he seemed to take her interest the wrong way.  
“We haven’t been sure since Crait.” He answered honestly while staring out at the stars again.  
Something in his voice sounded broken. Everyone knew what had happened at Crait, rebels and First Order alike. She nodded slowly and walked back up at him again, her anger subsided for now. She wanted to change the subject, talking about her friends felt too dangerous. So she did what she would do if she was talking to anyone else but Kylo Ren.  
“What was it like?”  
When she saw he didn’t understand her question she explained:  
“Aruda.”  
He pursed his lips and seemed to think over his answer, Erin looked at how the scar across his face moved while he furrowed his brow. He seemed to have a hard time thinking of an answer to her simple question but when he replied his voice was quiet, almost that of a normal person.  
“Quiet.” He said. “Like the war didn’t exist.”  
“I like quiet.”  
“Yeah, me too.” He seemed lost in thought, crossing his arms over his chest.  
“Were there birds?” she asked.  
  
***  
  
“Birds?” he looked at her in confusion but she just nodded, as if her question wasn’t highly insignificant. Then he remembered the memory of her parents at the lake, he had heard birds there.  
“I haven’t heard birds in forever.” She said.  
He wasn’t sure what she was doing or why she was doing it, but he didn’t mind. It had been too long since he had had a simple conversation with another person and it made the storm in his mind easier to handle.  
“There were birds.” He finally answered.

 She smiled, just slightly.  
  
Something inside him stirred and he caught himself wanting to see her do it again. But it was gone just as quickly as it had happened and Kylo dropped his hands to his side, turning to face her.  
“The meeting.” Any softness had gone from his face. “I’ve rescheduled. Be there.”  
“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

 And any kindness she had shown him was gone as well.


	7. Boy

The meeting was intimidating to say the least. 

First of all it was uncomfortable to be around Hux after what had happened. He took things personal whenever it came to the decisions of Kylo Ren. And right now he was taking this decision out on her. He managed to stay professional throughout the briefing though as he quickly updated Kylo on the uneventful few days that had passed before presenting a plan for the next mission.   
It turned out Kylo Ren was still set on finding whatever remained of the Resistance. This was vital information to the rebels but she couldn’t help but be distracted by the people in the room.   
She hardly ever felt more out of place then she did in that exact moment. Each and every person in the room looked dangerous, and so very angry. She doubted if the Resistance had ever done anything to harm them or if they were just born with hatred.   
Along Kylo Ren’s sides were two people dressed similarly to their Surpreme Leader. She wondered if they were the remnants of the Knights of Ren and if they were if they were gifted with The Force like he was. She couldn’t see their faces for they were hidden behind black masks decorated with silver metal. One of them was a woman. Her slim hands and long fingers tapped impatiently on her armrest. The other was a man, much shorter than Kylo but buff and strong looking. Erin realized she was never introduced into this meeting. She was just there and as she adjusted in her seat she realized it was important for her to look capable and composed. The woman already seemed to be eyeing her occasionally.   
“How many ships will be available in time for this mission, general?” Kylo demanded. After the battle at Crait and the one where the Resistance destroyed most of their fleet there were hardly any ships left. Erin knew Hux was working hard to get the First Order back on track but it wasn’t without setbacks, some of which she had caused by providing the Resistance with the right information.  
“Two, sir. The rest will be needed for the attack at Zorb.” Hux had just explained one of their allies had betrayed their trust by selling information on the First Order to the Resistance; they would pay the price with a surprise attack in the morning.   
Kylo got up and brushed past Hux to the screen in front of them, studying it up close. The charts covered in Hux’ instructions cast a blue glow to his face, making him look like a ghost.   
“I want all files on the planet and these charts at my quarters by the end of the day.” He said quietly, one of the men holding a tablet in the corner of the room nodded nervously and started tapping away at his device. Kylo turned to face the small circle of people at the table and rested the tips of his fingers on the cool surface before speaking.   
“Hux, you’ll lead the battle at Zorb.” Hux’ face seemed to light up at this, he lived for leading his army into battle. He believed to be much more capable of doing so than the Supreme Leader.   
“I’ll look over the documentation for the mission to the Kozobolis system and get together a team while you’re gone.”   
This seemed to displease Hux, but he seemed to understand he couldn’t have it all and he just nodded instead. Kylo looked at the people at the table, expecting directions from their leader.   
“Expect your briefings within the hour. For now you’re dismissed.” He said while waving his hand impatiently at the door. His mind seemed pre-occupied and Erin wondered if it was with whatever he was hoping to find at the Kozobolis system. No one seemed to dare to ask any questions so they got up simultaneously, leaving the room in silence. 

As Erin walked down the hallway she could feel the lingering energy of people behind her. She turned to look over her shoulder and looked straight into a mask.  
“I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced.” The woman that had been sitting next to Kylo spoke while the man that had been sitting at his opposite side leaned lazily against the wall next to Erin. And eerie feeling came over her as she studied them both.   
“Aurora Ren.” She made a point out of her title, making sure Erin understood she was one of the knights. The woman that had just identified herself as Aurora pointed at the man.   
“This is Bass Ren.”   
“Also known as the Sniper.” He clarified, his voice distorted by his mask but it almost seemed as if he was smirking behind it. Erin nodded and straightened her back.   
“Erin Agarun.” She didn’t explain, playing on a hunch that they wouldn’t want to admit their Surpreme Leader had left them in the dark on who she was. She had been right.   
“Kylo’s new little pet.” Aurora replied, her tone childish making Bass chuckle. Aurora started walking now, purposefully shoving her shoulder into Erin’s while Bass followed her and did the same. The two of them moving in unity.   
“See you around little pet.” Aurora’s voice was harsh and shrill and the energy surrounding her even colder. Erin wasn’t welcome here, which much more than clear. 

 

She was half hoping she would get to go along with Hux to Zorb. Even if that meant she would have to see him murder alleged allies to the Resistance, she needed to get away from the weird energy surrounding Kylo Ren and his special group of ‘friends’. But when she got back to her quarters she saw a tablet lying on her small desk. She had been assigned to go to the Kozobolis system along with Kylo Ren, Aurora and a hand full of Stormtroopers in just two days. Erin closed her eyes and prayed to the Force to survive a mission with the two of them. The Stormtroopers surely weren’t going to lighten the burden of their company since they were ordered to stay as anonymous as possible. 

She sat down at her desk and began to scan through the documentation on the Kozobolis system and it’s biggest planet carrying the same name. The information was extensive and she doubted she would be able to remember all of it, but she would try. Anything that could help her win over Kylo or Aurora on this mission would be of help since gaining their trust was her main concern at this point.   
While she scanned the words on Kozobolis geography the tablet in her hands beeped as a notification popped up showing a location and time and she realized it was part of her new schedule.   
The location was unknown to her and she wondered what she was supposed to be doing. A lot about her new job was unclear to her and this made her anxious. She put down the mission documentation and neatly rearranged her desk, scribbling down a few things she wanted to look into later that day. 

She was requested to be at a location on the far side of the ship within the next twenty minutes and decided to make sure she left on time. She passed a tiny mirror before leaving her private quarters and smoothed back her hair, the bun on the back of her hair tight but not tight enough to keep a few strands of hair back whenever she moved or touched her head. While she walked she kept smoothing it over nervously, occasionally pulling at the tight jacket of her uniform. She hated being left in the dark. The walk was calming her down a little as she allowed her thoughts to drift off to the Resistance for a little bit. She wondered what they were doing right now, if Poe was finally obeying Leia and if her friend…the one that was saved along with her..was finally speaking more than a few words after all those years. The little boy had never spoken more than three words to her and people always assumed he was damaged goods, but she was sure he’d be capable to do so one day. She hoped she’d be there to see it happen.   
Erin checked the numbers at each door she passed to check if she was going the right way and when she finally arrived at the location she found an open door leading to an almost empty space.   
One side was completely made out of glass, looking out at a nebula in passing. The light was a dim warm white and the furniture was minimal except for a large table surrounded by twelve chairs.   
Erin walked in to check if anyone was there only to find the room was empty. She took the opportunity to enjoy the view.   
“You must have questions.” Her heart jumped when after a while someone spoke and she could hear the hissing of a closing door. She turned quickly to see Kylo Ren. He was dressed uncharacteristically casual, no sweeping cloak or weapon. His voice seemed calm, he demeanor that of a mentor. He wanted her to ask him questions so Erin nodded.   
“Why are you taking me with you? I’d be much more of use in battle.” She was taken aback when he seemed to chuckle just slightly.  
“I disagree.” He just said and walked up to meet her at the window. “We have stormtroopers for battles. Force users are too valuable to me.” He ended his sentences resolutely, as if his answers explained all.   
“What do you expect me to do?” she asked. The briefing had been clear about the location, about the mission as a whole, but it had told her nothing about her tasks. Kylo Ren shook his head, patiently.   
“You don’t have to do anything. I expect you to find something.”   
“Like what?”  
“A stronger connection to the Force.” He looked at her now and Erin realized that if her sensitivity to the Force would get stronger, Kylo Ren would want to find a way to use it. To use her.   
“The Force is energy.” Kylo began as he saw Erin was confused, his hands moving as he explained. “There is much less of that energy in the vacuum of space, with its recycled oxygen on space ships and nothing but metal under our feet. Your comment about the birds reminded me that to really feel the Force’s full potential you need to be surrounded by it. So you’re coming with me to the planet.”   
“And the mission…?” she asked.  
“We’ll scout for any indications the Resistance had been there recently.” He looked out at the pink and white of the nebula beyond and Erin took in his words. His connection to the Force didn’t sound dark or evil, it sounded natural. How did he get lost along the way?   
“So why am I here?”   
Kylo turned and gestured to the chairs at the head of the table. Erin followed and sat down slowly, pulling at her jacket and she took a deep breath. The man sat down on the opposite side of the table, he looked younger without all the attire. He stretched his arms out of the table, resting them on the cool glass surface with his palms facing upward looking at her expectantly. 

***

His decision to try and train the girl had been impulsive but strong, and as she furrowed her brow and looked down at his hands on the table he could see she still had a long way to go in trusting him.   
“Put your hands over mine, just a few inches.” He explained. She moved her hands from her lap to the table. They were tiny; almost childlike in comparison to his if it wasn’t for their elegance. She kept them hovering in the air and looked up at him anxiously.   
“Close your eyes and tell me what you feel.” He said quietly. “Concentrate.”   
She closed her eyes and for a moment Kylo wondered if he knew what he was doing. He could hear her take in a fresh breath of air, slowly exhaling as her lips parted slightly. She repeated the gesture a few times which made him think she wasn’t completely new at this. At first nothing happened, until after a few breaths he could feel a tingling sensation in both of his palms. It wasn’t him, he wasn’t doing anything or at least not on purpose as he watched her intently. Her brows drew together in concentration but he could sense she was reaching out and he nodded slowly. As the flow of energy slowly worked its way up his forearms he decided to reach back. He could see her close her hands quickly, overwhelmed, before opening them again slowly. Her hands were shaking slightly and through the energy of the Force he could feel hear heart beating faster. 

***

Erin had no idea what she was doing but it seemed to happen almost naturally. She felt the feeling spread from her heart space to her arms, down her fingers and to something beyond. Something that was radiating life back at her. She could feel a steady bass pulsate against het fingertips like a heartbeat. She could feel anger mixed with confusion, pride overpowered by sadness. Like a grey and cold ocean. But as she looked deeper she could see something with her minds eye. It wasn’t quite real but she could clearly see it. It was a boy. A boy with raven hair and warm brown eyes with sunlight touching his face but he didn’t look happy. He didn’t look happy at all. He looked like he had been running but Erin couldn’t see where to or from what. The day was so beautiful around him but he seemed blind to it all. Erin pushed her mind further, which gave her a headache, but she needed to understand why he was so scared. She wanted to help him. The boy started to scream and the sound was heartbreaking, suddenly making her freezing cold. He was standing at a cliff, and beneath was the grey and cold ocean ready to swallow him whole. And then it all stopped. Sending her reeling back into the cool hard metal of her seat. Her breathing heavy and her back covered in cold sweat. She could hear a loud bang as Kylo Ren had gotten up pushing his chair over violently.   
“Get out!” he roared. “GET OUT.” And she soon realized he didn’t mean for her to get out of the room but out of his head as he kept hitting it with his large hands repeatedly mumbling for her to get out. He pulled at his hair and growled loudly before turning back to face her. His face that of a cornered wild animal. He was breathing just as heavily as she was and his face had turned red where he had hit it. His eyes pried into hers and she recognized them immediately. It was the boy, and he was still screaming in there. 

***

Kylo wasn’t sure what she had seen and he was desperately pushing the remains of her mind out of his head. He had never expected her to be able to get in his head, he now realized he should’ve never let down his guard to begin with. His power had probably fed hers, connecting them in a way Kylo never wanted to be connected to another human ever again. Although he was satisfied that her power had seemed greater than expected, he couldn’t stand the sight of her as she sat in the chair opposite him. Her dark eyes damp with oppressed tears as she stared up at him and what he saw there disgusted him. Pity.   
He made a point out of hurling down all chairs on his side of the table, kicking at them as they flew into the walls. When he was done with his tantrum he turned to the table, resting his fingertips on the surface and avoiding the girls eyes intently. A lock of sweat covered hair stuck to his forehead and he let out a long and shaky breath.   
“I’m sorry.” Was all she said quietly “I didn’t…” she didn’t finish.   
He wanted to get back at her, to bust into her mind and find her deepest darkest secrets and make her feel terrible about it. He wanted to make her feel like he felt right now and then he realized she did. She felt exactly what he had felt and she meant it when she said she was sorry. He stared at his reflection in the table.   
“Leave.” He said. She got up without protesting.   
“Yes, sir.” Her footsteps sounded rushed and as she left she the left the door open. Kylo used whatever remains of the Force he could muster to shut it loudly behind her, shutting her out of this room and his mind all at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so excited for you guys to read this chapter! The first Force connection between these two and I'm wondering what you guys think. Where do you see this going and what do you hope will happen? Thank you so much for reading, you're the best.


	8. Dream

Erin had to rest against the wall next to the closed door as she pressed her hands to her mouth to keep a sob from coming out. She wasn’t sure if these feelings were entirely her own, but what she had just witnessed had broken her heart. For the first time in her life Erin had caught a glimpse of the long lost son of General Leia Organa and it had changed everything. She hated the man in the mask that killed her friends, she had even hated the face that belonged to him, but now that she had seen beyond she wasn’t so sure. She closed her eyes as she felt a tear roll down her cheek and she could still hear Kylo Ren at the other side of the door tear the place apart. She was never supposed to see beyond Kylo Ren, she was never supposed to see Ben Solo.   
  
As the door opened she stepped back startled, pressing herself into the wall hoping to disappear. Kylo stormed out and into the hallway, practically running from the room in which they had just connected through the Force.   
  
***  
  
_Ben Solo is dead._   
  
He kept repeating the phrase in his mind. It didn’t matter what the girl had seen, it was in the past. That part of him was in the past.   
  
He had left the room torn up and ordered the very first Stormtrooper he ran into to clean up his mess. Everything inside him wanted to hurt something, to kill something to be sure he was still able to. And just when he had set his mind on doing so Armitage Hux appeared in front of him, his face smug as he studied Kylo closely.  
“Behold the great Kylo Ren.” He said sarcastically. “What in the galaxy has happened to you? You look like a mess.”

“Shut up.”   
“Very well then.” Hux rolled his eyes and Kylo was too tired to do something about it.  
“What is it, General?” he gestured impatiently with his hand before Hux replied.   
“Everything is ready for the battle at Zorb tomorrow, sir. And you’ll be pleased to hear your TIE fighter is restored to its former glory and will be ready for your mission. Everything is looking according to plan and I trust you and your men will have no trouble at all getting to the Kozobolis system.”   
“Right.” Kylo brushed past Hux who followed him down the hall like a lost little boy, waiting desperately for his approval. Kylo turned in annoyance.  
“Anything else?” he hissed.   
“No, sir.” Hux stood still, leaving the Supreme Leader be, realizing he was never going to get the recognition he so longed for.

 

***  
  
Erin had spent the following day at the bridge to stay updated on the battle at Zorb. Kylo Ren was right there pacing back and forth at the screens but had managed to ignore her. Like he had managed to ignore mostly anyone that didn’t have any direct relevant information. He seemed his usual self, barking orders and roaring whenever Hux did something that didn’t follow his strategy. Any hint of what she had seen in him was gone. The tension in the room was palpable but Hux was doing well, like he did most of the time, they had won. Later that day they found out their former allies at Zorb had not sold information to the Resistance after all, the knowledge aggravating Kylo Ren to a point where he destroyed a control desk with his lightsaber and stormed off.   
  
Erin was unsure of what to do, they were leaving in two days but she was unsure if her commander even wanted her there. She went about her day like she would have normally, spending the late hours of the evening at the training quarters before returning to her private ones. Her nights were restless, anxious for what was to come. Her days spend studying the documentation on their mission. She wondered if the Resistance really could be at this planet or even close to this system. She had no idea where they were at this point which made her wonder if she would ever be able to return to them even if she got the chance. She missed them so much. She was unsure if they’d even be able to see her the same way after the things she had done here. Had she done them for her own survival or for the Resistance? Was she getting lost in the darkness surrounding this place or was she still doing her duty. Erin felt confused and scared now that she had felt the power that was hiding within her. She wanted to use it for good, but she wasn’t even sure it was really hers to use. It felt like borrowing energy that wasn’t hers. But she had never felt so connected to anything, like she belonged to something greater. The night before they would leave for the mission Erin fell asleep just hours before she was supposed to be up.   
  
_“Come on! Dance!” Erin felt a tug at her arm as a tiny blonde girl wiggled her brows at her. She was just two years younger and Erin’s best girl friend. She seemed like a little light dancing in the dark. Her spirit lit up any room._  
“Em, no.” Erin laughed in her dream and she couldn’t remember the last time she had in real life. Emma didn’t take no for an answer and pulled her after her anyway. They were at a bar and there was a small orchestra playing music loudly. It was a happy memory. Poe Dameron had managed to take down a huge First Order ship with his pilots and it needed to be celebrated.   
It was just the girls now as the pilots were getting the medical attention they needed before joining the party.   
“Can you believe this?!” Emma laughed and twirled around, her arms spread wide as she looked up at the ceiling.   
“We might actually win this, Erin. We might actually make a difference.” Emma was wearing a dress, playing with the fabric as she danced. Erin felt underdressed in her pants and loose shirt, playing with the fringed ends of her sleeves as she slowly started to relax.   
“Yeah, we just might.” She grinned at her friend. Emma leaned in and took a hold of both of her hands.  
“So dance.” She started to pull at her arms and Erin decided to give in. It felt good to be dancing, it felt good to be here. There was laughter and music and a voice, loud and clear over the music.   
“What are you doing?”   
Erin stopped to turn and look at him and then looked around quickly to see if any of the people in this dream of a memory were seeing him. No one seemed to respond to the tall man standing in the middle of the bar. She frowned in confusion. Kylo Ren was right there, and she didn’t feel like she was dreaming anymore.   
  
***  
  
He had never seen her laugh but it suited her. She didn’t laugh halfheartedly; when she laughed she did it all the way. It changed her face completely. For a while he forgot who he was supposed to be and what he had come here to do. He felt normal, even if it was just for a moment. No conflict, no darkness. He was brought back by the sound of glass shattering as someone tipped over their drink. His eyes scanned the memory she was in, looking for anything that would make them even after she had been in his head.   
“What are you doing?” he said as he saw her dancing. The blonde friend was clinging to her now, hugging her. But he had her attention. She was staring at him in confusion and the laughter was gone, he recognized this face more than he did the smile.   
“What…” she didn’t finish her sentence and he could see her cheeks turn rosy. Was it panic or shame?   
“Since you were in my head earlier I thought I’d return the favor.” He sneered as he walked up to her. “What is this place?” he demanded.  
“A bar.” She was being coy.   
“Where?” he pressed on.   
She shrugged and shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. It’s gone now.”

He growled and balled his fists, he couldn’t hurt her here but he wanted to.   
“Why here?” he yelled, his face close to hers and he could tell the girl flinched even in her dreams. No one at the First Order was allowed to abandon their discipline and go to a bar like this. He wondered what her life had been like before she joined. The girl shook her head now.  
“This is mine.” She gestured to the room but he knew she meant the memory. “You can’t take this from me.”   
“I can take anything I want.” His voice was slow now, like the calm before a storm.   
“I didn’t mean to do it.” Tears welled up in her eyes, her weakness made him impatient. “I didn’t mean to see any of it.”   
He took a step back, watching the girl intently. She managed to keep the tears from falling, which made him think she might be tearing up out of frustration rather than fear.   
“I didn’t even try. It just happened.” She said resolutely and her tone made him believe her. He didn’t feel any better about her having been there, in his mind. He pressed his lips together, contemplating pushing further into her subconscious.   
“Why are you here?” he asked again, dragging the words out slowly, demanding an answer this time. It took her forever to reply, but she did.  
“Because I’m scared.”

Her voice broke and he could see her for the first time truly vulnerable. He was seeing exactly what could hurt her. She was scared. Of going on the mission, of the Force, of him. He nodded slowly and moved closer, towering over her in silence. He moved his face closer to hers and he could tell her hair smelled sweet and heady. She was trembling and he enjoyed seeing the fear in her as she had in him. He knew that if he was to train this girl he shouldn’t be doing any of this, but at this moment he didn’t care. His voice was ice cold as he spoke before leaving her, ruining the sanctuary of her dream. Taking exactly that which she asked him not to.   
“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much angst! ;-) 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for responding to the previous chapter. I love hearing what you guys think and where you would like to see things going. I'm already very excited for the next chapter, it'll be here soon I promise.


	9. Ambush

Erin woke to a beeping noise. She couldn’t quite make out where she was, still startled by whatever emotions were left from her encounter with Kylo in her dream. For a moment she wondered if she had imagined him, if it has been just a nightmare. But she knew it wasn’t. Could he have reached her mind all the way from the other side of the ship? When she rubbed in her eyes and propped herself up on her eyebrows she could see the tablet on her desk was glowing. She got up quickly, her bare feet running over the cold floor to see a notification with details of where she should be at what time. As she put the tablet down she could see there was something on her desk that had not been there before. She wondered how she could’ve missed anyone slipping into her room. She let her fingers run down the pile of fabric, noticing it was her outfit and gear. Kozobolis was supposed to have a warm climate, the fabric of her uniform seemed to be lightweight, thin and of course all black. Next to her clothing were her weapons. She was impressed as she let her fingertips wander down the cool metal of a brand new blaster and wondered who had made the selection. She could work with this.   
  
With no word from Kylo for days, except for the terrifying appearance in her dreams, Erin decided it was best to get dressed and get to their meeting point early. She pinned her hair back in a bun and put on her boots, making sure she had everything she needed for whatever was coming. They were supposed to go on a scouting mission. Just over a week ago there had been word of rebel activity at Kozobolis from a trusted source and Kylo had been set on seeing it for himself. Erin wondered what he’d do if he would actually find them again. Would he kill them all? Even his mother?   
She shook the thought. If she was to face him today she couldn’t use the anxiety.   
She left her quarters and started down the halls. It was still early and the ship was quiet except for the occasional stormtrooper. By the time she arrived at the hangar she was instructed to go to she could see she was the first to arrive. She wondered if she had missed the memo of a meeting beforehand.   
“Nice blaster, little pet.”   
Erin turned to see a tall woman surrounded by seven stormtroopers, one of them wearing an orange rank pad indicating he was the squad leader. For a moment she wasn’t sure who the woman was, she had only seen her masked before. It was Aurora. Her long blonde hair was only pulled back at the top, keeping the golden locks from falling into her face. She was equally beautiful as dangerous looking. Her voice without her mask was like silk, full of confidence and arrogance. Erin wondered if all the Knights of Ren had this quality. Erin didn’t say anything; she saluted the woman accordingly, assuming she outranked most people here.   
“Well let’s get to it, shall we?” she said as she brushed past Erin to the spaceship behind her.   
Erin didn’t follow Aurora, surely it was a bad idea to enter the ship without Kylo’s approval. But Aurora didn’t seem to care, disappearing into the spacecraft. Erin was thankful the stormtroopers seemed to understand her predicament as they stayed behind with her, awaiting their Supreme Leader.

 

It didn’t take him long to arrive as his quick steps echoed through the hanger while he approached. Erin could feel the fear she had felt in her dreams spread through her body but she refused to lose let fear take over. Kylo Ren looked dangerous and determined and they had no other choice but to follow him. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t even look at Erin or the men surrounding her as he passed by and entered the ship. They had no other choice but to follow him in silence. As she walked just behind the man that had literally invaded her dreams the night before she could see his lightsaber hang from his belt. It didn’t look as dangerous as it did when it was ignited but it would always make her feel uneasy. Too many good people were killed by that weapon. As they entered the ship Aurora was sitting in the pilot’s seat and everyone stayed back as Kylo came to a halt.   
“What do you think you’re doing?” his tone was a death threat.

“Oh come on Kylo, lighten up. We get to go on a rebel hunt.” The woman hung casually in the chair as she flicked back her hair over her shoulder cockily. Erin wondered if this was what had killed most of the Knights. If it was she wasn’t sure she could blame Kylo for it. The man didn’t reply as he walked up to her, his body pushing aside her legs and his large hands tightening around her arm as he threw her from the seat.   
“Test me again and I leave you behind.” He replied as he started working at the panel in front of him. Aurora scrambled up quickly and huffed, knowing better than to argue as she moved to the back of the ship where Erin and the stormtroopers were still standing, awaiting their orders.   
“What are you idiots looking at?” she spat at them as she passed. “Sit your asses down and shut up.”

Aurora herself sat down opposite Erin, crossing her legs as she studied her long nails in boredom.   
“So Agarun, what’s your purpose on this mission?” Aurora eyes Kylo as the ship started to get in motion before looking back at Erin who strapped herself into her seat. Kylo Ren was known to be a talented pilot, but if his style of flying was anything like his temper she wanted to be sure she was safe.   
“I’m just here to scout the area and follow orders.” The words came out a little more sarcastically than she had planned to, but Erin couldn’t stand the tone of the woman in front of her.   
“You better hope we won’t run into anyone down there, it’ll be the death of you.” Aurora snorted.   
“Isn’t that the point of this mission? To find something?” Erin retorted, she was on thin ice now.   
“Careful there, little pet.” Aurora was smiling darkly, her voice singsongy but Erin could sense she was being anything but friendly.

 

For the remainder of the flight Kylo Ren only spoke to Aurora occasionally and strictly when he needed to professionally. The rest of them sat in silence, Erin studied the stormtroopers around her to see if she could recognize any emotion in their demeanor but they were still like machines. She had hardly ever felt so alone as she closed her eyes and rested her head back against the wall.

 

The journey was quite far but by the time they made it to the Kozobolis system Kylo Ren seemed to be getting more anxious. Ever since their minds had connected it seemed as if Erin was more aware of his emotions, sometimes confusing them with her own when they were close. The anxiety seemed to be mixed with hope, she pondered what he was hoping for. The landing was rougher than expected, the planet was hilly and covered in wild plants Erin had never seen before. She hadn’t seen this much green since she got taken from her home. She stayed in her seat until Kylo’s orders told her to do otherwise but she leaned over to be able to look outside. Something inside her was eager to go out there. Kozobolis’ three suns were just setting, making everything outside look pink.

Kylo got out of his seat and turned to walk towards them. Aurora got out of her seat and stretched and Erin could see there was a lightsaber hanger from her belt as well, covered by her short wrap. Something made her stomach turn and she realized she felt jealous. Why were these evil people allowed to carry such an honorable weapon?   
“Aurora, you go ahead and scan our surroundings, don’t return until you’re absolutely sure the ship’s safe here.”   
Aurora had put her games aside and nodded earnestly, she may have been arrogant but she was taking this serious.   
“You stay and guard the ship.” Kylo pointed at one of the stormtroopers. “You three go with Aurora, the rest will stay with me.” He turned and walked back to the cockpit, fumbling at buttons and studying screens as Erin stood quietly and watched Aurora and her men leave, wondering what she was supposed to be doing.  
  
***  
  
As he turned he could see her standing quietly next to the stormtrooper. He really didn’t feel like training the girl now that they had both seen what she was capable of. If he was being honest with himself he knew he was scared she would be able to do it again, scared that she would see too much and be able to use it against him. He sighed and headed toward the exit of his ship expecting Erin and the stormtroopers to follow him. As he walked outside he could feel a warm breeze as he took in a deep breath. It was always refreshing to be able to breathe actual air.   
“It’ll be dark in an hour. We’ll head for the coordinates where the activity has been detected by foot. If any of you hear or see anything, shoot to kill. That’s an order.”   
All of them nodded and mumbled a quiet “Yes, sir.”

Before turning Kylo glanced at the girl that had been able to invade his mind, she looked innocent in the pink light of the sunset. She was looking around in awe, and he remembered their conversation about planets like this. He wondered if she could already sense the Force running wildly and strongly through all that surrounded them. Even though he was still angry with her there was something about her that kept drawing him back in. He assumed it was her Force Sensitivity that kept him interested enough not to kill her. The girl suddenly looked forward and met his gaze, making his heart skip a beat involuntarily as he turned to look away and start walking.

 

***  
  
They walked for at least an hour and the vanilla sky had been replaced with a dark blue curtain dotted with stars and two giant moons lighting their way.   
No one spoke except for Kylo, who only addressed the squad leader. He had made a point out of ignoring Erin, letting her walk behind everyone else and it made her angry. He had invaded her mind just as much as she had his, and he had done it on purpose.   
All of a sudden the squad came to a halt. Kylo Ren’s hand up in the air as all of them lifted their blasters. Erin’s heart was beating violently against her chest as she peered into the dark. Just in front of them seemed to be a building, hidden in the foot of what seemed to be a mountain. She suddenly realized it was too quiet. They had heard birds and other animals before, but it was completely quiet now except for their breaths.   
Kylo Ren moved forward slowly, covered by the squad leader stormtrooper. Erin swallowed and wondered what she’d do if she would see someone she knew here. She had been unable to warn the Resistance of them going to Kozobolis under the scrutiny of Kylo Ren and she now wondered if she had a mistake in being too careful.   
Erin decided to open up her senses the way she had done when her palms were hovering just over Kylo’s. What she felt was new to her, as if she could sense the trees and their roots underneath her feet. She trembled and let out a soft gasp, making Kylo look back at her knowingly, he had felt her tap into the Force and she knew it. But what could also be felt was a presence of something else. Something was watching them. Kylo broke their gaze and suddenly ignited his lightsaber, the weapon humming dangerously as their surroundings were lit up by its fiery red glow and before any of them could detect whatever it was that was watching them blaster beams flew all around them.

Erin gasped and turned to shoot back in the direction of which the attack seemed to come. The stormtroopers passed by her and went ahead, trying to protect her and their Supreme Leader as they did. It all happened so fast, she could hear the roaring of creatures she had never seen before and realized they had walked right into an alien ambush. She was unsure if they had known they were coming, but they surely were hostile. Behind her she could hear the buzzing of Kylo’s weapon, she could smell the scent of burnt skin fill the air and she wondered if it was his or his enemy’s. As she turned to look she could see it had been the latter. He was moving gracefully, almost like a dance as his face contorted into a menacing grimace while he killed anyone who came at him with ease. Her attention was quickly drawn back to the fight as she felt one of the aliens plant a foot against her abdomen. She roared as she went to punish him for his actions before shooting him in the head. She was unsure where their allegiance was to, but right now she couldn’t afford mercy. One of their stormtroopers was already down and the aliens seemed to keep coming.   
“In there!” Kylo yelled at her as he pointed toward the building at the base of the mountain. She wondered if it would be a good idea to play hide and seek right now but she followed him anyway. Running and fighting at the same time proved to be harder than she thought and it took them quite some time to even get close to the mountain.   
Kylo Ren was a sight to be seen, using both his power in the Force as his weapon to fend off anyone that came close enough. Erin in turn had a hard time keeping them off while she had help of the two stormtroopers left. Kylo took the little space in between him and his enemy’s to run toward the mountain, grabbing Erin’s upper arm as he passed her.   
“Go!” he roared. “Now! You, back her!” he pointed toward the only stormtrooper that was now still standing. Erin looked back at him and saw him shoot the aliens that readied their guns to aim at her.   
Kylo stopped and waited to get close enough with to be able to reach them with his lightsaber and Erin decided to run for the door of the building. As she did she started shooting at the lock with her blaster, tripping over the rocks under her feet making her drop the gun. There was no way back, she couldn’t go back and pick it up, it would make her too vulnerable. She kept running, stumbling into the door, and as she fumbled at the lock to get it open she gasped in pure agony. She couldn’t think through the pain but managed to get inside nonetheless, quickly moving around the door and against the wall for support. She pressed her hand to her chest and could feel what she was fearing for, the warm and wet sensation of blood. She looked at her hand to assess the damage and realized this was bad news. Very bad news.   
  
***  
  
He knew he couldn’t fight them all of without putting himself in too much of a risk. He figured if they only got into the building there would be another way out. It looked like an old shelter of sorts, and shelters always had back doors. He used the last of the stormtroopers to cover for him as he ran for the door, thankful the girl had thought to open it beforehand. He stormed in, his lightsaber lighting up the room in bright red. Erin was already pushing at a big metal locker as he swept it in front of the door with use of the Force. She moved back quickly as he pulled at other heavy furniture to move it in front of the entrance before running further into the building. As he turned he could see the girl was following him but could barely keep up. He frowned in annoyance as he explored hallway after hallway, moving deeper into the mountain. He could hear her stumble behind him and turned.   
“Come on! We don’t have time for this.” He roared, but she wasn’t getting up. He could see how her hand was pressed tightly against her left shoulder, just over her chest and he came to a halt. He stood there contemplating his actions as he looked ahead down the long dark corridor and back at the girl. He pursed his lips as he felt something inside pull at him. He knew his chances of survival were more likely if he was to leave her behind, but he didn’t want to and this confused him. He groaned in frustration and started to walk back, squatting in front of her. He could see the pressure, which she was putting on her shoulder, was reducing.   
“I’m okay.” She mumbled and he wasn’t sure if she even knew what she was saying at this point. He sighed and shook his head, trying to ignore the voices in his head that told him to leave her behind to die. He didn’t say anything as he moved his arms under her legs and around her waist, pulling her up and against him as he started walking again. He could sense the girl was fading even as he kept on walking, finally reaching a way out. As he did he set Erin down against a tree, reaching for his comlink to contact Aurora, cursing under his breath, she didn’t reply for a while. When she did he ordered her to get the ship and come get them, warning her for the hostile alien species they had just encountered. Aurora was often unreliable, but he knew she was loyal to him, relaxing slightly as she told him she was already on her way. He looked down at Erin and squatted down again, taking off the wrap around his shoulders. He pulled at the fabric of her shirt to examine the damage before pressing the wrap tightly against her shoulder, making her wince before she lost consciousness completely. And for the first time in a long time he felt something no stranger had made him feel before. All anger towards her was replaced with concern. He cared if she lived. And even though the dark side within him knew he shouldn’t, the feeling was overwhelming him with fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Any ideas on what will happen next? Let me know where you would like to see this going in the comments..who knows, I might take your thought into account ;-)


	10. Bullet

Aurora’s stormtroopers ran out of the spaceship and surrounded Kylo Ren to give him cover if needed to. He held the girl to his chest as he tried to walk as steadily as he could to enter the ship. Her blood covered his hands in bright red and he could feel he was short of breath as he saw Aurora sit in the cockpit.   
“We should get somewhere safe. They’re heading this way, we saw them on the way here.” She yelled back at him as she started the engines. Kylo just nodded as the stormtroopers surrounded him, Aurora ordered them to take position at the guns in case of an attack and for a moment Kylo was thankful Aurora was taking the lead. He was confused to say the least with his own emotions as he slowly lowered Erin to the ground, pulling a bag of supplies under her head for support. He got up swiftly as the spaceship took off and headed for the cockpit, looking out and over Aurora’s shoulder.   
“Where are they? I want them dead. All of them!” he yelled at her.

“Supreme Leader…” the mechanic voice of one of the stormtroopers sounded behind him.   
“What?!” he snarled as he turned.  
“The girl, sir. She needs medical attention.”

Aurora looked back at him and she noticed the blood on his hands.   
“You risked your life for this girl?” she asked in disgust. “She’s as good as dead. Leave it and help me get rid of these pests.” She hissed.   
Kylo was torn between the dark and light once more as he glanced down at his hands and back at Aurora. He didn’t want to lose his position as the strong en merciless Supreme Leader, but he also didn’t want the girl to die.   
“Where are the supplies?” he asked.  
“What…you’re gonna do it yourself?” She snorted.

“Where are the supplies?!” he asked again, now raising his hand and stealing the breath from her lungs. She started pointing back panicky with one hand as the movement of her other hand made the ship dip quickly. Kylo lost his balance and let go of Aurora before hurrying to the medical supplies she had pointed out.   
  
***  
  
She could feel someone fumble at the fabric covering her shoulder, suddenly ripping it as she heard the loud noises of shots in the background. When she opened her eyes all she could see where the fluorescent lights above and black spots clouding her vision. She wasn’t ready to die like this. Someone was pressing into her wound and she cried out in pain and anger. She started moving, trying to struggle against the entity that was causing her so much pain.   
“Stop it.” His voice sounded familiar but she couldn’t remember anything over the pain as she tried to pull the hand from her shoulder. He pushed her back down.   
“Let me help you!” and she realized the voice belonged to Kylo Ren. As she blinked and tried to focus on the person hanging over her she could faintly see his face. He looked strained, a streak of blood on his cheek. She had seen that look in his eyes before, he looked scared.   
“We need to get back, she won’t make it if we don’t get her back soon.”   
She heard a woman reply but couldn’t quite make out what she was saying. She couldn’t fight the pain he was inflicting upon her any longer and she focused only on his face. She didn’t want to be alone in this, any company would do. He was no longer ignoring her, he wasn’t avoiding her eyes as she looked up at him. He was just pressing the wound while he looked into her eyes. Erin couldn’t move anymore, she was just too tired as salty tears escaped from the corner of her eyes. She was used to pain, but this was too much, whatever had hit her went right through her shoulder.   
His dark eyes were telling her to stay awake, to keep looking at him as he nodded slightly when she did. Breathing was difficult, every movement of her chest making the pain worse. Her eyelids felt heavy and she felt like she wanted to go to sleep, just for a little bit.   
“Look at me..” his voice was deep and quiet, like they were the only two in the galaxy. It made her want to open her eyes again, and as she did he nodded again, confirming she was doing things right. But her eyelids were too heavy, surely it couldn’t hurt to rest?  
“Look at me, Erin.” It was the first time she heard him use her name and her eyes quickly opened again, looking straight into his before she drifted off for real this time.   
  
  
***  
  
Kylo Ren couldn’t remember ever trying to save someone.   
  
All he had done in his young life was kill and destroy. He had never saved a life before, and he couldn’t forget the look in her eyes before she lost consciousness. It was as if she saw right through him, as if she recognized something he had been trying to figure out. It left him wanting to see those eyes again, to see what she was seeing.   
  
As soon as they arrived back, the girl was immediately taken by several medical droids. Anyone who saw them was clearly confused, they hardly ever saw wounded warriors return. The First Order wasn’t exactly known as a compassionate environment.   
Aurora wouldn’t let him hear the end of it, going on an on about what was wrong with him as he simply sat on a cold leather sofa in the middle of the room they were in. His hands were still covered in blood and he wondered what kind of weapon they had used. It had seemed to be ancient.   
“She’s one of us.” He simply replied, his voice cold and calm. He had only heard half of her rant as she kept pacing the room. She raised one perfect eyebrow at him. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and despite knowing -at one point- her feelings for him he had never felt any attraction toward her.   
“She’s _not_ one of us. She hasn’t seen what we’ve done to get here.” She sneered.   
“She could be useful. She’s strong.”   
“That has never persuaded you to keep someone alive before.” She was angry and she was right. Kylo Ren had killed and abandoned many of their former friends before. Sometimes because Snoke had ordered him to, others because he didn’t care enough to try and keep them alive.   
“Ever since Snoke’s gone there something in you that’s changed, Kylo. I hope you haven’t forgotten what we all set out to do when our Supreme Leader found us.” She didn’t look at him as she walked away, and he knew she was right. Something in him had changed ever since the day he killed his father. He thought it would solve things, he thought it would make it easier to submit to the Dark Side and to Snoke’s will. But if anything it had torn him apart even more. And now he was saving strangers, making his subordinates doubt his intentions or competence. He still believed in finishing what his grandfather had started, he just wasn’t sure how to get there. He leaned over and ran both his hands through his dark locks, realizing they were still covered in her blood. He’d clean up and check on her. And most importantly he’d would find out how todays events could’ve happened without them knowing about the alien population.   
  
  
***  
  
Erin seemed to dream for days, it almost felt like she was back home. Almost.   
  
When she finally woke she was surrounded by white light that hurt her head. She blinked, her eyelids fluttering open slowly as her eyes adjusted to the light. She could see the glass of a medical pod surrounding her and for a moment she panicked. Being trapped in small spaces wasn’t her favorite thing in the world. It reminded her too much of her too much of the past. As she moved her fingertips slowly she noticed several droids moving hastily around her, removing the top of the pod by entering a code on a tiny screen next to her. There were a lot of excited beeping noises and Erin shivered because the room was much colder than the inside of the pod had been. The droids kept her from moving as they started to check her vitals on the screens surrounding her.   
“Oh Supreme Leader will be delighted to hear you’re awake.” One of the droids said. Erin doubted the Supreme Leader ever was delighted about anything, it didn’t seem like an emotion on his spectrum. But even before the droid could send the word to Kylo Ren, the door opened with a hissing sound. He was standing right there, looking darker than ever in the white of the room. The droids left the room hastily, making panicky beeps as one of them ended up in the way of Kylo as he walked up to the pod.   
He waited quietly for them to leave, closing the door behind them, and he looked down at her as she tried to move. Erin didn’t really understand why but he looked worried.  
“You probably shouldn’t do that too much.” He said quietly, looking up at the screens as if to check her vitals.   
“What happened?” Erin could vaguely remember a fight, but nothing more.   
“An ambush. You got shot. With a very old weapon I might add, hence the complications.”   
“Complications?” she asked with a frown.   
“They used bullets. I had to get it out and damaged a tendon.” He pursed his lips at the memory before meeting her eyes again.   
Erin felt overly vulnerable lying down and looking up at him, it was an uneasy feeling. She propped herself up on her undamaged arm.   
“Did anyone else get hurt?” she asked.   
  
***  
  
“Did anyone else get hurt?” she asked.  
Such an uncharacteristic question for a former assassin with the First Order. He looked at her, puzzled for a moment as she kept surprising him.   
“We lost half the troopers.” He replied with a shrug. Stormtroopers were replaceable. He looked back at her as she lay back down. Her hair was undone and he could see it was wavy, reaching past her shoulders, her skin glowing slightly after this much sleep and medical care. He noticed a scar just under her jawbone he hadn’t noticed before. He could tell she got nervous when he watched her like this, so he decided to speak.   
“How are you feeling?” It felt strange to show an interest in someone else’s well being.   
“Like I’ve been shot with a bullet.” She joked, for the very first time he could see a hint of the laugh he’d seen in her memory. Just a slight chuckle, but it made corners of his mouth curl up slightly. She looked at him now and she wasn’t scared. She was genuine as she spoke quietly, almost too quietly for him to hear.   
“Thank you.” She said and he could feel the tension in his brow, which seemed to always be there, fade slowly. It felt like a relief as his face relaxed. In the bright white light he could tell she had tiny specks of green in her eyes, usually hiding within the dark of the brown surrounding it.   
“I should go…” it was just a whisper as he turned to head for the door.   
“Wait!” she said and he could see she was trying to sit up again; this girl just wouldn’t stop now would she? He didn’t respond but did wait until she continued.   
“Why did you help me?” she asked, and he realized it had been the same question he had been asking himself for days now. He shook his head, giving her the only answer he had managed to give himself.   
“I don’t know.”   
  
***  
  
Erin was kept in the sick bay for two more days to recover. She didn’t hear from Kylo Ren or anyone else until the day she was released. Her arm was still in a sling and she was to return to the sick bay for check ups and medical care for a couple more evenings, but she was grateful her arm would most likely fully recover. When she got into her uniform with the help of one of the droids another one held up a tablet with her schedule.   
“You have a meeting with General Hux in five minutes.” The droid pointed out.   
“Thanks.” Erin raised a brow and wondered what that was about. She felt slightly vulnerable with her arm still injured, but she was sure she could still take on Hux if she needed to. It would just hurt. A lot. It was impossible to fix her hair with the sling, so she kept it hanging loosely down her back as she walked out of the sick bay and toward the bridge. It felt strange to walk after being down for so long, it made her feel slightly dizzy.

 

As she arrived at the bridge she could see both General Hux and Kylo Ren in discussion. Kylo seemed to refrain from speaking as she walked in, Hux in turn eyeing her and smiling eerily.   
“Well if it isn’t our very own Miracle girl. Ren has told me all about your spectacular escape from Kozobolis.” His voice was thick with sarcasm and Erin decided to stay quiet and wait for him to give her more information before replying. Kylo Ren looked the other way, suddenly busy studying charts.   
“I must say I knew you were talented but escaping that attack single handedly with such a lethal injury is quite miraculous.” He looked at her as if he could see the truth on her face. Erin had gotten too good at pretending to give away that this was a lie. So Kylo Ren had lied about saving her. Was he afraid what this would say about his character? Would this make people doubt him?  
“Well, you know me sir. I won’t stop until the job is done.” She stood up as straight as she could without straining her shoulder.   
“Very well. Walk with me?” he asked and passed by her expecting her to follow, which she did. She glanced back at Kylo to cast him a questioning look but he was still busy with the controls.   
  
Erin followed Hux from the bridge to his office and sat down as he gestured her to do so. He sat down opposite her and raised his hands to his face, fingertips meeting as he pursed his lips and looked at her intently.   
“So, Agarun. What happened exactly at Kozobolis?”   
“We arrived at the planet at sunset. Started moving toward the location of interest and walked into an alien ambush, sir.” She replied automatically. It had been what she remembered.   
“Was your team aware of any native species by the time you arrived?”  
“No, sir. They weren’t supposed to be there according to our documentation.”   
“Your documentation…” Hux nodded slowly. “Well. It seems like we’ve been provided with some false information on this mission. We assume it was an assassination attempt but we can’t be positive yet.”  
He paused for a moment and got up, walking toward her chair and standing still behind her.   
“You surely understand it’s critical to find out whoever was responsible for this false information.” He rested one hand on her injured shoulder. Erin’s heart started to beat faster as she forced herself to stay calm.   
“Of course, sir.”   
“So you’ll understand all personnel involved will undergo extensive investigation.” He squeezed her shoulder slightly, making her wince.   
“Of course, sir.” She replied again, clenching her jaws.

“If there’s any information you wish to share, you may do so now. Otherwise we’ll summon the coming week.”   
Erin shook her head.  
“No sir, I’ve already given my report. At least what I remember.”   
Hux raised one ginger eyebrow as he moved his face next to hers.   
“If you remember anything else…let me know.” He ended his sentence with one final squeeze in her shoulder, making her eyes well up with tears as she got up quickly.   
“You’re dismissed.”   
Hux was onto something. And Erin hoped she wouldn’t get exposed in the process of him finding out what exactly had happened with their mission.


	11. Make me

Erin felt better after she had been able to send word to the Rebellion about recent events. She even reported back to Leia what her son had done. Erin didn’t want to give her too much hope, but she deserved to know there was still a trace of humanity in him. It might give her the strength to hold on in these difficult times. And she didn’t know when she would get the chance to send them any messages at all again with Hux’ new investigation going on. After sending the encrypted message she headed back for her private quarters, her shoulder was healing well but it took a lot of energy.

 

She walked down the hall leading to the sleeping quarters when she could hear someone follow her. She turned her head just slightly, enough to hear footsteps trying to mimic hers as she skipped a step casually. She decided to keep on walking to make sure she really was being followed. In the reflective material of the ceiling she could see a dark figure behind her and she turned suddenly.  
Aurora was looking at her, her lips curling up in a menacing grimace. She cocked her head and studied Erin up and down.  
“Little pet.” She smiled and clicked her tongue, walking closer to Erin. The woman was at least a head taller as she looked down into Erin’s eyes. Aurora’s eyes were like ice, cold, sharp and the lightest blue she had ever seen on a human.  
“You almost got him killed.” She hissed now and Erin noticed she was being quiet about it. Did she not want others to know? Erin didn’t reply.  
“If it wasn’t for your incompetence nothing would’ve happened.” There was something in Aurora’s voice that set her off.  
“Oh really? And where were you?” Erin didn’t recoil, instead she made herself as tall as she could, looking straight into Aurora’s eyes.  
“We were ambushed. We did what we had to do. You and your Force did nothing to help your precious Supreme Leader.”  
Aurora started laughing as she turned to pace around, frustration obviously starting to build up inside of her before she turned back to Erin.  
“You think he cares? Just because he _saved_ you? You think he cares about any of us? All he cares about is himself. He’ll make you feel powerful for a while, look at you like you’re unique, and make you feel like you’ll rule the galaxy together but he will drop you just as easily as soon as something more powerful comes along. We’re just weapons to him.”  
Erin took a step back to look at Aurora. She knew Aurora wasn’t talking about Erin anymore, she was talking about herself. It was written all over her face as the veins at her temples were clearly visible and her eyes turned from mean to desperate. Erin shook her head slowly, keeping her voice calm and quiet.  
“I’ve been a weapon most of my life.” She whispered. “And trust me…it’s better than the alternative.”  
She didn’t wait for Aurora to reply. Instead she turned to head for her private quarters, she was way too tired to show compassion to someone that would rather see her dead.

 

***  
  
She wasn’t wearing the sling today. She was walking resolutely as she entered the room, her small chin held up high. He followed the scar under her jaw to see her hair was pulled back into a long and simple ponytail. She came to a halt in front of him, resting her hands on the small of her back as she looked up at him. Something in the way she looked at him had changed slightly, was it respect or recognition? He couldn’t be sure as he spoke.  
“I see you’ve recovered.”  
She nodded and looked proud. He could tell it wasn’t in her nature to admit weakness, given her background he could understand why.  
“I’m ready to continue my training, sir.”

He knew she couldn’t possibly be ready to continue her training in combat so he decided to give the other option a try once more. He’d prove to the others and himself she was useful, maybe even powerful.

“The work you did for Hux..” he started “..do you think you’re ready to take it a step further?” he looked at her intently, no holding back as he peered into those dark brown eyes and right into her soul.  
“Certainly.” She replied so steadily it made something stir inside his chest.  
“Good.” He started walking along the window now, expecting her to follow. “I’ve heard what you’ve done for him and while I believe Hux is less than easily impressed you seem to have made an impact on the man.” He didn’t mean it in any way a woman would make an impression on a man, he meant that according to Hux she had talent no matter her gender. She had been a valuable warrior to him.  
Kylo wanted to invest in that warrior and get a valuable warrior all his own. She looked at him but didn’t speak, she didn’t seem sensitive to the compliment.  
“I can teach you more.” He stopped and looked at her. “I know you’ve felt it, the Force. I want you to use it.”  
She didn’t say anything again, it was intriguing, she just nodded. The action was sure and her eyes seemed eager.  
“So, teach me.” It wasn’t a question, it was a challenge. A challenge Kylo Ren was more than willing to take.  
  
***  
“So, teach me.” She said. Erin was done with being vulnerable, she was done with being looked down upon as less by others. And even though she knew that the fire she was playing with was dangerous, she figured it couldn’t hurt to be taught a few things that would make her stronger.  
A dangerous grin played around his lips and for the first time Erin could see Kylo Ren’s appeal. Before she could prepare he hit her subconscious with such force it made her gasp, he was trying to invade her mind again.  
“Stop it.” She hissed from between clenched jaws. She could sense he could already find the easier parts, memories and feelings of the past few days.  
“Make me.” He said and she could tell he was pushing further. She didn’t know how to stop him, all she knew was how to instinctively push back and keep him away from what really mattered. She wasn’t sure how she was doing it. He was stepping closer to her now and it was as if the Force wasn’t only inside her head but as if it was holding her head physically, bending it to Kylo’s will as it tipped back. Kylo’s hands were covered in their usual leather gloves and one of them was hovering just over her face as she couldn’t do anything but look up at it.  
“Make me.” He whispered again and it seemed as if he half hoped she would. Erin tapped into the panic she felt as he got closer to the parts of her mind she didn’t want him to go. He didn’t hold back, she could feel it. So she wasn’t either. She closed her eyes and focused on the sensation of his mind attacking hers and used the emotions to turn on him. Pushing him back slowly. As she did she could feel his grip on her body fade as well. Almost literally pushing him back as she moved hear head slowly but surely back in it’s natural position. Her shoulder was throbbing with pain as she tried to keep a hold of the focus that was helping her fight him, she ignored the pain and let out a soft groan in exertion before pushing him out completely. He stepped back and broke the connection before she could turn on him, surely afraid she’d get in his mind again.  
Kylo dropped his arm to his side and stared at her for a moment in what seemed to be bewilderment before nodding slowly.  
“You’re very emotional,” he said and for a moment Erin frowned and looked at him as if he had insulted her but he quickly continued, “Use it. It makes you stronger. I felt it.”  
He turned and walked around, thinking something over as he raised his arm and pointed back at her.  
“Tap into negative memories if you have to, I can tell you know how to find the Force sooner when you’re angry.”

Even though they sounded as insults or mean remarks she could tell he was giving her tips and pointers, she decided to take them in and try to remember them. It was strange to have someone else talk about your feelings, it felt intimate in a way she hadn’t experienced before. He repeated the exercise a couple of times and each time he pointed out where she failed or succeeded.  
After a while he stopped, allowing her a break as he crossed his arms and looked out at the stars. There seemed to be so much going on behind those eyes even when his face seemed vacant.  
“I see her, you know.” He said as Erin used the sleeve of her shirt to wipe the sweat from her forehead.  
“Who?” she asked.  
“The girl from your dream. The one you were dancing with.”  
She suddenly felt violated again as she looked at him in disbelief.  
“How did you do that? How were you there?” Erin asked in annoyance.  
“You care for her.” He ignored her questions.  
“How did you get into that dream?” she moved up closer to him now.  
“It seems odd that you’d have friends.”  
“How?!” she shoved him now but he hardly moved, her anger was taking over. This seemed to become an issue around him. He looked at her, the look on his face bored at her feeble attempts to make him lose his balance.  
“Emma, right?”  
She didn’t want him talking about her. She didn’t want him to know about her because she knew it would only bring her in danger. Nothing good could come out of Kylo Ren knowing your name, let alone him knowing someone cared about you. Erin could feel a darkness stir inside her, bubbling up just under the surface as he kept talking.  
“You feel like she’s a sister to you.”  
Now he was using what he had seen in her head against her, outside of her head but still working his way in. This time just not with the Force but with his words. She decided to attack him from the outside as well, using that anger like he had told her until the rising sensation within her got too much to carry and in her minds eye she directed it toward him like a slap in the face.  
It hit him just like that. His face even moved swiftly to the left, hair falling in his face as he slowly raised his hand to touch his scarred cheek. He bit the inside of his cheek and turned to look at her, the dangerous grin was back but Erin wasn’t as attracted to it this time.  
“Not bad.” There was something in his voice that made her heart beat feverishly in her chest.  
“I’m done.” She said. He shook his head.  
“Come with me to Canto Bight.” His tone was very serious but Erin shook her head in confusion.  
“What?”

“Come with me to Canto Bight.” He repeated. “I want to see what you can do.”  
His gaze was intense and Erin could feel that saying no wasn’t an option. She had been to Canto Bight several times, it was a nest filled with powerful, rich and bad people. All distracted by beauty and entertainment. It had been an easy place to get to Hux’ enemies. But Hux had been more easily pleased and impressed, she wondered if the way she operated would even remotely impress Kylo Ren. And she knew that was what he was looking for, a reason to keep investing in her, to make her more powerful. He wanted to see she was worth it. Erin knew that saying no would mean losing her ties to him forever, she couldn’t do that to the Resistance and especially not to Leia. It was best to stay close.  
“Fine.” She tried to sound as confident as she could. “I want all documentation on the subject in my quarters by tonight or the deal’s off.”

 

***  
  
“Fine.” He could tell she sighed, she almost sounded bored. “I want all documentation on the subject in my quarters by tonight or the deal’s off.”  
Kylo couldn’t remember saying anything about a deal, but the way she was making demands was enticing to him. She was all business and he wondered if this was how she had spoken to Hux. He knew she understood what he was asking. It wasn’t a leisurely trip to the city of the wealthy. There was work to do, he wanted to see what she could do without the Force to know how far he could take her _with_ the Force. If he was honest with himself he was mostly curious how she had killed those men so effortlessly, some of them even powerful in their own way. She had had a hard time defending herself at Kozobolis and he wondered if there was anything she was hiding or holding back. If there was anything she could do differently when it was just one man and no one watching too closely. He could almost sense a secret within her and he was aching to discover it.  
“Fine.” He mimicked her tone. “We leave in two days.”


	12. Mind trick

They had only arrived at Canto Bight hours ago but if Kylo Ren’s information had been right her target would be at the casino by nightfall, giving Erin just enough time to find something suitable to wear to such a venue. Kylo would be at the casino sooner, pretending to be on business for the First Order. It would be his first public appearance as the new Supreme Leader. He would go unmasked, a political statement. Snoke had hidden him behind the mask, using him as a weapon belonging only to him but Kylo had told her he was ready to take matters into his own hands. Showing everyone exactly who they’d be dealing with from now on. A lot of the First Order’s most valuable allies could be found at Canto Bight at any given moment in time, and him being there would surely raise attention but it wouldn’t be suspicious. Which Erin was counting on, working in his shadow would be easier.  
  
She felt nervous like she always did before doing the job she was given at the First Order. Her past had made killing easier, more natural, but she knew it wasn’t right what she was doing. Each day at the First Order was making it harder to stay in touch with the light. She kept telling herself killing this people was a way of serving the Rebel Alliance, but sometimes she wasn’t too sure. The thought of her friends seeing her this way made her feel ashamed. She pushed the thought aside as she slipped into a heavy velvet dress. The colour was even darker than blood and somehow that seemed fitting for the situation. She couldn’t show much skin since most of her skin was covered in scars. The only part of her dress revealing anything was a deep plunging back and a long slit at her legs which was mostly just for practical reasons since her legs were the only place she could hide any weapon.

It felt strange to be this dressed up, she felt like a different person. She decided to hold on to that feeling as she pulled her hair into a low bun before fastening two small daggers to the leg hidden by the fabric of her dress. She took a deep breath. She could do this.  
  
***  
  
Kylo Ren felt nervous out in the open like this. Unmasked and here for all the world to see. He wasn’t quite so sure if it was a good idea to make a statement like this. Was he ready to lead the galaxy into a new order? He had no choice now that he was sitting at a table surrounded by the biggest crime lords, traders and businessmen in the galaxy. None of them seemed to have the courage to question him, most of them just politely asking trivial questions. Kylo was in a serious conversation with one of the traders, leaning in to understand him over the music and the loud voices when she caught his eye. He tuned out of the conversation and looked over the man’s shoulder as all he could see was her.  
  
The dress was hardly as outspoken as those of the women surrounding her, but its simplicity made her stand out. She looked down at her feet, taking her time as she floated down the stairs and into the casino. For the first time he noticed her lips, full and painted the dark red of her gown. It showed off her curves modestly but enough to make him notice them and his lips parted slightly. She looked beautiful and dangerous, like a wild rose. As she strode through the room in confidence he could tell his companion had noticed her as well. His comments on her appearance evoked a strange aggression in him as he had to make himself tear his eyes from her to shoot the man a warning glance. The man didn’t seem to notice any difference with Kylo’s usual expression and went on with his business proposal like nothing had happened. Kylo watched as Erin took place at the bar, almost casually ordering a drink like she walked into rooms like this every day. He fought the urge to get into her mind and scanned the room instead. Replying curtly and uninterested at any question the man in front of him was asking him. He watched her hand fold around the thin glass as she lifted it to her lips and slipped off the stool to walk again. She had passed her target on the way in and Kylo was sure she hadn’t missed it. They were half the room apart but he watched her intently as the glass filled with golden liquid touched her lips. Her eyes shot up and met his instantly, causing electricity to shoot through his body. She didn’t even flinch, staring right at him before breaking the gaze. And Kylo realized everything about this moment thrilled him. She moved calculatedly, which was why he knew that what happened next was no accident; she was ready for what they had come here to do. She was even showing off, he realized.  
  
  
***  
  
“Oh my, I am so sorry…” Erin leaned in and past the man to grab a napkin from the bar and started patting at his golden jacket. His smile was absolutely breath-taking as he told her not to worry about it. Glint Agnatar was an information broker, meaning he’d treat information for goods or more valuable information. And right now, he was on the bad side of the First Order, which meant that tonight he was on the bad side of Erin. Erin who had just pretended to be affected enough by the affects of her drink to make her trip and pour it all over him.  
“Please, let me order you drink.” She said as she slipped her body into the space between his seat and the one next to him. He held up his hand in protest, a gold ring engraved with his initials decorated it. She was talking to the right man.  
“No, I’ll order you a new one.” She smiled and thanked him, starting a conversation of small talk as she studied his face. Ocean blue eyes, dimples and a strong jawline. His skin looked like sunshine against his dark hair. He looked muscular but the way he let her fall all over him told her his reflexed were hardly that sharp anymore. She looked at the bar and could see several damp circles indicating the amount of drinks he’d had.  
He made a joke, she laughed.  
He ordered a drink, she smiled.  
He asked her if she was alone, she replies she wasn’t any longer.  
The game was tedious but successful nonetheless.  
When she asked him what he was doing at Canto Bight he surprised her by mentioning Kylo Ren.  
“I was hoping to get a glimpse of him.” He said.  
She knew that what he was saying was that he hoped to get information on him. She looked over her shoulder at the Supreme Leader, dressed in infinite black surrounded by men in suits too frivolous for their own good. Kylo wasn’t showing off, he was wearing what he always wore. His hair looked different though, combed back and from his face. His face serious as he seemed to be caught up in conversation, his lips pressed together in slight impatience. For a moment Erin felt bitter, she was doing this to show him she was worthy of his trust and training and he wasn’t even paying attention. She rolled her eyes and looked back at Glint.  
“Well is he meeting your expectations?” she asked him.  
“He’s younger than I expected.” Glint answered honestly and Erin smiled slightly.  
“I suppose he is quite young, yes.” She decided to play along. “I heard he can stop a blaster bullet with his mind.”  
Glint looked at her in disbelief and Erin laughed, tracing the rim of her glass with her fingertip as she pretended to be something she wasn’t. Glint seemed to be taking the bait as he leaned in and traced his hand slowly up her back. It gave her chills, but not in a good way. As she glanced over her shoulder to see if Kylo was still there she was shocked to see him leaving the casino floor, storming off.  
“Want to get out of here?” she asked Glint, the anger she felt for Kylo leaving her to her fate like that taking over, making her want to get this over with. This game was way too easy in a casino and this dress. At least Hux’ targets were on a more professional level.  
“I know just the place.” Glint grinned, his teeth even whiter than the shirt under his jacket. “Follow me.”  
  
It turned out her suspicions about Glint were right. He had taken her up to his suite in the casino. They were on the balcony, looking out at the bay of Canto Bight. It was hard to tell where the lights of the large buildings ended and the stars started. Laughter filled the air, carried from the beach by the wind that was now playing with Erin’s hair. The moon was full and strong enough to illuminate the balcony in light like silver. Glint was getting them another drink and as he returned to the balcony she could see the desire in his eyes as he watched her. It made her nauseous and uneasy and she knew this would make killing him easier. She took the drink from him and drank it in one swift motion. The man laughed.  
“I think you’ve had enough.” He chuckled.  
“I think so too.” She replied, not even remotely talking about the same thing. He had noticed the change in her tone and took a step back, watching her warily.  
Erin tapped into the one thing she had always known was the Force, and used it the only way she’d been able to before she met Kylo Ren. To manipulate. Somehow it had come natural to her.  
“Put down your glass.”  
Glint Agnatar obeyed and put down his glass, looking slightly confused at his own actions. Erin moved closer, her face close to his as she looked into his eyes.

Suddenly he grabbed her wrists, struggling as he pushed her back against the stone wall of his suite. She was taken aback but quickly managed to turn the tables and push him up against the wall instead. He struggled under her grip and she noticed he was strong but lacked technique. He wasn’t used to fighting. She pressed her lower arm up against his neck making him uncomfortable.  
“You will tell me the name of the enemy you’ve given information on the First Order.” She pressed harder even though it wasn’t necessary to get the information out of him. He was weakened by the amount of drink he’d had, the mind tricks of the Force were easily used on him.  
“Finnhall.” He choked. “Sil Finnhall.”  
The name didn’t ring a bell but she decided to remember it anyway as she let go of him and took a step back. She had what she came for.  
“You will get on your knees.” She said, her voice flat as the man in front of her obeyed. She could still sense his fingertips tracing her spine and used the hate coming from that sensation to help her focus. The man sat quietly, staring up at the moon, convinced he wanted to sit on his knees like this. Erin slowly walked up behind him and bent over to close her hand around the hilt of her dagger. She waited for him to move but he didn’t, his mind was weak she realized. She moved quickly and without mercy, planting the weapon through his back to pierce his heart, stepping back quickly so his blood wouldn’t stain her dress. She took a deep breath realizing she had not only killed an enemy of the First Order but one of the men that had sold information on the rebels time and time again. And all of a sudden she didn’t feel so bad.  
  
  
***  
  
Kylo was looking down from his balcony at the city of Canto Bight and all he could feel was disgust. All of the beings seemed caught up in trivial matters and their own ego. Humans and aliens alike. His mission to restore balance to the Force and lead the galaxy into a new order seemed to completely bypass anyone in this forsaken city. Even the ones that wanted to be on his side so desperately, trying anything to impress him. Empty words and empty gestures made out of fear and lack of vision. At least his appearance had made an impact, he thought. They would know the new power that was Kylo Ren, up close and personal this time. His mind had not returned to Erin until he heard a knock at the door of his suite. He looked up at the moon and realized that morning wasn’t even close to arriving yet. Could she really already have succeeded? He got up and strode toward the door, he could sense her right through the heavy wood and felt something stir inside him. Was it relief?  
He opened the door in one swift mood, one hand pressed firmly against the door opening as he looked at her without saying a word. She looked exactly like she had when she entered the casino. The only trace of a struggle was in her hair, loose strands of it framing her face.  
“It’s done.” She said and she pushed past him and entered his room without his permission.  
“You might want to look into the name Finnhall.” She said as she walked straight to the en suite bathroom and started washing her hands. Kylo turned and pretended to have an outraged look on his face as she dared to invade his privacy like this, but he wasn’t that bothered if he was being honest with himself. He was in complete awe as he watched the girl wash traces of blood from her hands. She really was showing off, and he liked it. He closed the door behind him.  
“And the body?” he asked, his voice husky as he walked up to her.  
“They won’t know we had anything to do with it.” The way she said the word ‘ _we’_ made him want to touch her. To make sure she was real or maybe to just feel how her skin felt under his fingertips, he wasn’t sure.  
“Good.” He whispered as he towered over her, the air in between them heavy with tense energy. He could tell she was feeling it too, her chest rose and fell with deep breaths and her red lips were parted.  
“How did you do it?” he breathed.  
To his surprise she smiled mischievously and shook her head.  
“It’s a secret.” She whispered back, sparking a sudden wave of impatience in him as he moved swiftly to push her back. A quiet growl of frustration escaping from his lips. His hands pressed firmly into her hips as he pinned her against the wall. She was breathing shakily now and he knew it wasn’t because she was scared. He could feel the warmth of her skin through the fabric of her dress, the room filled with that heady scent he’d smelled on her before but never this intensely. He wasn’t sure if he was frustrated with her games or with the emotions running through his body and mind ever after seeing what she was capable of. And just as suddenly as the moment had happened, it was gone as she shifted from his grip and moved quickly to the middle of the room. Kylo instantly regretted not following his instincts as he watched her. She was flushed and trembling and he wondered if she had felt scared after all, if he had just interpreted her energy wrongly. If his mind really was that twisted. The fabric of her dress had fallen off her shoulder as she had moved away from him and he could see the scar tissue left from their previous mission. She wasn’t as invincible as he had believed her to be tonight. She quickly covered her skin as she noticed his gaze.  
“I should go.” She said quietly and before Kylo could say anything she was already gone. The only thing left of her was her scent and it was enough to keep him up for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My oh my I am so curious what you all think of this chapter... I was so excited to write it and I hope you enjoy. It'll probably take me a few days until I will be able to update again, but I'm hoping I'll be able to do so this weekend. Have a great rest of your week!


	13. Slave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating as regularly as you're used to. I've been sick. But I'm back with a long chapter this time! I hope you'll like it.

She was beginning to see him more as a human being than as the monster she knew he was. She knew what he had done in the past, he had destroyed entire planets. Thousands of people had died because of him. She knew this. But she couldn’t help but notice the man behind the mask ever since she had seen into his mind. And tonight, she had even tried to make him jealous. She knew this, she knew she had used the way Glint Agnatar had touched her to spark jealousy within Kylo Ren. What was wrong with her?   
  
She hurried back to her own room, just across the hall from his and shut the door behind her, resting against it as she tried to catch her breath. She hated him, she kept repeating the sentence in her mind but it didn’t convince her this time. He had looked at her like she was more than she felt she was. Like she was powerful, maybe even an equal in a way. He had looked at her like he had found a soul similar to his, and something inside of her liked it. Everyone else always treated her like she was damaged goods, like what had happened to her in her past was responsible for her actions, like she had to be repaired. She didn’t need any of it, she just needed someone to understand her, and tonight she felt like Kylo had. It had felt good to kill Agnatar. She was in control this way, channelling her anger instead of letting it overcome her. And he didn’t look at her like she was broken, he had looked at her like she was exactly who she was supposed to be.   
  
Erin ran her hands through her hair and pulled the pins from it to let it down. What she had felt in that room with his hands on her was wrong. She had a job to do, and her feelings were clouding her judgement. As she took off her dress and moved to take a shower, washing the heat of the moment off of her, she decided she wouldn’t sleep that night. Glint had given her a name, moments before his death and she wondered if the name belonged to friend or foe.

***  
  
Kylo had told Hux he’d try and do business in Canto Bight to make new connections to help them gain more supplies and especially ships. It was war, and they needed all the allies they could get Hux had said. Sometimes it annoyed Kylo to no end how narrow minded the general was. This wasn’t simply war, he was trying to start a revolution. There was so much more than just killing their enemies and gaining territory. Kylo wanted to enter people’s minds, not their planets. He wanted them to believe in what he was fighting for. But he also knew some part of Hux was right, so he had spent most of the day talking to warlords, explaining the First Order wasn’t weakened by recent events but rather just adjusting their strategy. He wondered what they’d do if they knew who really did kill Snoke, if anyone of them would still look at him the same. Surely some of them had their suspicions had they not?   
  
He had not slept that night, so he was pleased to arrive back at his room before the end of the day. When he opened the door and walked in he could see the doors to the balcony were open. The sheer curtains blowing in the wind as he proceeded cautiously. His hand immediately moved to the lightsaber hanging from his belt as he walked slowly toward the open doors. The fading sun making him squint as he moved his hand around the curtain and pulled it back quickly only to see the reason for his loss of sleep sitting in the last rays of sunshine of the day. She didn’t seem startled as she looked up at him.   
“How did you get in?” he growled, he wasn’t up for visitors.   
“They don’t secure these rooms as well as you think they would.” She just shrugged as she kept scrolling through a tablet in her lap. Kylo decided to take advantage of the moment and took her in. She was only wearing half of her usual uniform, formfitting black pants and a shirt with short sleeves, surely the climate at Canto Bight was too hot to wear the rest. Her face seemed to have changed colour slightly in the sun, the skin of her nose was slightly burnt, and it made her look more innocent than he knew she was. Her hair was down and blowing in the sea breeze and he realized she looked like she belonged near the water.  Like in the very first memory he had seen in her mind.   
“What are you doing here?” his voice was dark, he wasn’t ready to admit he didn’t mind.   
She got up and walked toward him, pressing the tablet against his chest. As he took it from her his fingers brushed past hers and he met her gaze. There it was again, that electricity that had driven him mad the night before. He had a hard time tearing his eyes from hers to look down at the device. He frowned, unsure at first what he was looking at or what he was reading as his eyes scanned the screen.   
“He’s right here.” She said, she sounded proud.

“Who is?” he rolled his eyes as he handed her back the device, she was wasting his time. He wanted her to tell him what she was onto instead of trying to figure it out for himself.   
“Finnhall.” She replied, annoyance in her voice as he didn’t keep up. “He’s here at Canto Bight. I’ve asked Hux to track him down. The information checks out.”   
“Hux helped you…” it wasn’t really a question, just a malicious statement. She didn’t fall for it. Her professionalism hardly faltering except for those dark eyes. Something in them shifted, just for a moment before she continued.   
“Apparently, he’s often here for the races. I can find him for you, tonight.” The way she said it, so confident, send a shiver up his spine and he cocked his head just slightly to look at her. She met his gaze defiantly, daring him to doubt her. He raised his brows before he complied and nodded.   
“You’re sure that Agnatar didn’t lie to you?” he looked at her intently now, moving closer as he did. She nodded.  
“We’re on to something here, sir.” Something inside Kylo didn’t like the sound of her voice as she called him that. The distance of it felt wrong after the moment they had the night before.   
“Fine. But _I_ want to talk to him.”   
“Of course, sir.” She nodded curtly.   
  
***  
  
Hux’ intel wasn’t wrong, and it wasn’t that hard to find Sil Finnhall in the crowds of the Canto Bight races. This city was made to stand out and everyone wanted to be seen. It was disgusting, Erin thought. She had not told Kylo Ren that Hux had only agreed on helping her because she told him it were the Supreme Leaders orders. But in order to get what she wanted she had to be creative. She knew Hux wouldn’t easily question Kylo Ren on the smaller matters.   
  
Since wearing the same attire as the night before would surely cause trouble, Erin had changed into something more fitting than her uniform after having dinner in her room, by herself. Being in a city full of people had never felt so lonely before. Kylo Ren was hardly the social type, staying in his room for most of their stay. Erin attended to her duties alone and now found herself amongst the crowds at the races. Her outfit wasn’t as fancy as it had been at the casino, but it fitted the dress code of Canto Bight. She took the opportunity to wear colour again, it reminded her of her time at the Resistance. The lavender fabric of her dress was silky and flowy, the breeze playing with it on this warm night and Erin was grateful it wasn’t too heavy or hot. She could hear the ocean just beyond the tracks, the air smelled like a home she had long ago lost and for a moment she wondered if it would be possible for her to run away from all this. How long would she even survive?

 

Her eyes scanned the crowds as she slowly made her way to the man that she recognized as Finnhall. He was surrounded by men and women alike. All of them laughing and trying hard to get his attention so Erin decided she would take her time and wait, watching him intently. He was officially known as a trader, but off the records and within the more criminal circles Sil Finnhall was known as a slave trafficker. The type of man that would to anything for credit. He sure did look the part, dressed in an expensive looking suit and decorated with gold accessories.  He was maybe twice Erin’s age and his face had once been charming but was affected by time. Wrinkles showing at the corners of his eyes and mouth. This man was used to getting what he wanted, and he was used to being wanted. She knew she’d get his attention by staying just out of his reach. She cast him seemingly accidental gazes, pretending to be interested in the race instead of the people around her whenever he returned her the favour. By the time the races ended she decided to leave quickly, knowing he’d follow her by the way he had smirked the last time their eyes had made contact.   
“Miss?” she heard his voice, it was thick with a strangely exotic accent and before she could turn his hand was wrapped tightly around her upper arm. The warmth of his hand made her feel uneasy as she forced her face into a slight smile.

“Yes?” she stopped and turned to face him, he dropped his hand and bowed his head.   
“The name’s Silvester Finnhall. But a beauty such as yourself may call me Sil.” He held out his hand and she shook it slowly, her eyes never leaving his as she replied with a lie.  
“Aurora.” She didn’t feel bad about borrowing the name. “Aurora Blu’em.”   
“Pardon me for bothering you but I saw you at the races and I was wondering if you’re doing anything after?”   
Erin eyed the people staying behind, waiting for Silvester to join them. They were calling his name impatiently.   
“Well what did you have in mind?” she pretended to be interested in his friends as well, as if she was there to socialize like most of the people were. This might prove to be harder than it looked, she wasn’t going to get him alone any time soon she realized.   
“Are you familiar with Ubialla Gheal’s night club?” 

Erin wasn’t so she shook her head. The man invited her to join himself and his friends, complimenting her on her dress as he escorted her back to the group of people eagerly awaiting him. Erin realized that maybe she was in over her head this time.   
  
  
***  
  
Kylo had taken the time to read up on the file Erin had given him earlier that day. He had not encountered Sil Finnhall before but realized the man was a force to be reckoned with. Arms dealer, slave trafficker and an apparent key trader to the First Order and Supreme Leader Snoke. They were connected in many ways in the files but all of it seemed classified, even to him. He always knew Snoke wasn’t afraid of working with dangerous people, but Sil Finnhall wasn’t dangerous in strength or power. He was dangerous because he was unpredictable and greedy. Greedy men made for very disloyal allies. Kylo guessed this wasn’t the first time he had crossed the First Order, but it was the first time his name was actually connected to any of it. But Snoke must have known if the man had been a traitor… Had Snoke been keeping secrets from him?   
  
It angered Kylo that he was still in the dark on his former master’s plans. Never fully trusting him, never seeing his true and entire potential it seemed. They had never been equals, and this proved that once more. Kylo hardly knew about Finnhall but now his name had been on the lips of one of the traitors to the First Order and he could no longer deny him. The man was parading around the city like a king while he must know the amount of people that were looking for him, wanting to avenge whatever betrayal he was responsible for. The man was fearless, he’d give him that. But there was one thing in the file that had caught his attention. Something that may sabotage the mission Erin was now on if she had overlooked the detail. He wondered if she could’ve even known. Finnhall was a slave trafficker, and his main clients had been mentioned in the files Hux had provided. The man was responsible for providing the slaves to the Tabo-kul arenas. He had been their main supplier for 15 years. Kylo wondered if that was what had made Erin so eager to find him. He knew if she lost her temper she could easily kill a man. He told himself he needed Finnhall alive, to get information out of him. But something hidden deeply within the lost parts of his soul told him he also didn’t want her to face this man alone.   
  
***  
  
The nightclub was busy and extremely hot. The people dressed similarly to those at the casino, the interior was mostly gold and white. Sparkling chandeliers draped from the ceilings, the reflections of their crystals casting stars all around the room. The club looked like the galaxy in a way, but less cold. The live music was enhanced by machines she had never seen before as alien species mingled with humans in a showy display of dance and laughter. They had been here for hours now and Erin was running out of ways to hide the fact that she wasn’t drinking the drinks she was given. She wasn’t getting him alone. Silvester Finnhall was surrounded by his admirers and they weren’t keen on sharing. He was talking loudly over the music, bragging about his work and Erin wondered if he really believed that selling lives was something to be proud of. She had a hard time listening to him, clenching her jaw as she tried to force herself to smile.   
  
She could sense him before she saw him.   
  
And as she turned she immediately recognised him in the crowd. She knew he had seen her too, his dark eyes had found hers instantly as he slowly moved through the room. He wasn’t breaking eye contact and she realized most people here wouldn’t even recognize him since he had always been hidden behind his mask. His eyes were as black as the night sky, his face stoic and framed by his dark hair. The scar across his face barely visible in the pink lights of the nightclub and she wondered if this was what he had looked like before everything fell apart. She could feel the energy that seemed to pour from him as if it was something palpable. Like a string connecting them as he slowly pushed past anyone in their way. Her heart was beating forcefully as she could see him move closer and she noticed her breathing had gotten uneven. What was he doing here? She suddenly broke the gaze and looked back at Finnhall who was still too emerged in his story to notice her sneaking through the crowd to meet her master. As she got closer the energy that had been burning in her chest seemed to fade, as if it had done its job and wasn’t needed anymore. She wondered if it was his doing.   
“What are you doing here?!” she looked up at him angrily. He wasn’t moving like the crowd was, he was a statue, tall and dark and standing out like a sore thumb. He would blow their entire investigation. Did he not trust her? Had she not proven to him what she was capable of?   
“Can I get you a drink?” the excuse sentence came out rehearsed and extremely unlike him as he moved resolutely toward the bar area. Anyone hearing them would never believe he was a regular man trying to seduce a female with a drink. He spoke like a warrior, moved like a warrior, looked like a warrior. As Erin followed him he rested his hand on her lower back like any normal human male would if this situation was real, but she was sure it looked extremely awkward. The low cut of her back of her dress had left her skin exposed and she could feel the sensation of his skin brushing against hers. He barely touched her, but she was surprised to feel disappointed when he released her.   
“Tell him I want to talk to him.” He leaned in and his deep voice was clear even over the music. The way the warmth of his breath touched her skin as he spoke just beside her ear made her a little light headed.   
“What?” Erin shook her head. “No, it’ll give you away. Everyone will know that if anything happens to him it was you.”   
“Let them.” He shrugged. She narrowed her eyes at him.    
“Tell him the Supreme Leader is ready to see him.” He ordered, Erin didn’t like the way his face was overshadowed by darkness now. She could sense his impatience and she wondered if it was because it had taken her so long to get to Finnhall. If it had she sure as hell wasn’t killing anyone for him anytime soon.   
  
***  
  
He could sense her anger and knew she thought he didn’t trust her. Truthfully, he wouldn’t mind if she caused a scene and killed the man right here and now. It would even be amusing. But he needed to be the one to make a point. He would have to make an example out of him and show the world the wrath of Kylo Ren for them to take him as seriously as they had done Snoke. He’d get the information he needed out of him, the information Snoke had never shared with him. After that he’d let Erin have her way with him.

 

He looked down at the young woman as she scanned the crowd to find Finnhall. He had only noticed her eyes before when he used the Force to pull her through the crowd and toward him. A dark and warm brown, luminous with an energy he had not seen in anyone before. They looked like those of a wild animal while at the same time they held an ancient wisdom. It was as if they recognised each other from a life long ago passed. Now that he was up close he felt captivated by the rest of her. He had tried to push the feeling away, to keep his distance. But the lavender of her dress made the colour of her skin stand out and everything about her seemed to be glowing under the pink and gold light of the chandeliers. He wondered how something so lethal could look so lovely.   
“Fine.” She replied.   
“Where am I taking him?”   
Her loyalty pleased him. She wasn’t scared of him, or at least not all of the time, she chose to follow him.   
“Take him back to my quarters at the casino.”   
“Yes, sir.” And before he could say anything else she disappeared in the crowd. He waited for her to appear at Finnhall’s side again to confirm she was really following his orders. He saw the purple of her dress first before she moved straight toward the man. No hesitation, she wasn’t wasting time. This was his que to leave, she’d take care of the rest.   
  
***  
  
The man smelled of alcohol and flowers as Erin leaned in to speak directly at him. She knew the message would be clear enough. There was no longer any need to keep pretending so she cut straight to the chase.   
“Sir, the Supreme Leader will see you now.” She moved back and patiently looked up at Silvester Finnhall as his face contorted in curiosity. The women fluttering around him were impatient for his attention, but he waved his hands to keep them at bay. A faint smile started to play around the man’s lips and she knew he had not expected her to work for Kylo Ren. He had probably not expected her to work for any important cause at all.  
“Very well then.” He took a step forward, leaving his admirers behind. Erin thought of killing him the instant they would be outside and alone but realized Kylo’s dissatisfaction at this would be less than pleasant. She nodded slowly as he approached her and didn’t break eye contact as she spoke slow and clear, feeling the Force stir inside her.  
“Follow me.”

 

For most of the walk toward the casino the man didn’t talk and Erin was grateful for it. She wasn’t sure she could keep her temper in check if he started another triumphant rant on how slavery would save the galaxy someday.   
“So, to what do I owe the honour?” he asked as he kept his distance and followed Erin without causing any trouble.   
“The Supreme Leader will explain when we get there.”   
“I thought the Supreme Leader was dead…” he left the question hanging in the air like an insult. He knew Kylo Ren was first in line to lead the First Order after Snoke’s death. The comment didn’t hit home with her, it was probably what she would’ve said if she had been in his shoes.   
“I can assure you Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is very much alive, sir.” She simply replied in a flat voice.   
“And he’s more than eager to meet you.”   
  
***  
  
It had not taken her long before she lead the man that was named Silvester Finnhall into the room Kylo had made his own during his stay at Canto Bight. He was sitting at the large table that filled the entrance, resting back in the chair as he watched them come in.   
“Sir Silvester Finnhall, Supreme Leader.” It was a strange sight to see her salute him according protocol while dressed like that. It seemed out of place. Kylo sat up straight now, eyeing the man before saying anything as Erin took a few steps back.  
“Finnhall.” His voice cut through the heat of the summer night like ice. “Arms dealer. Infamous slave trafficker and now…a traitor.” He spoke slowly, stretching the words as he stood. His frame towering well over the table and the man in front of it.   
Finnhall started to chuckle nervously.   
“Well sir, I’m many things but a traitor would never be one of them.”  
 Kylo extended his arm and used the Force to tighten the man’s throat around his trachea. He left just enough space for him to breathe, making him highly uncomfortable.

“DON’T.” he squeezed a little tighter. “LIE.”   
Kylo hissed through clenched jaws but the man kept snickering. His arm still extended toward Finnhall Kylo moved swiftly around the table and threw the man back into a chair roughly, leaning over his face as he entered his mind searching for anything that would prove the man wrong. He sure did put up a fight and Kylo pulled back to compose himself. The man gasped for air.  
“We can do this the easy way, or I can make this very unpleasant for you.”   
“I’ve dealt with things much more powerful than you, boy.” The man spat at Kylo’s feet and he had to fight the urge to kill him right there and then. The insult of his words cut deeper than the spit on the ground at his feet. Kylo didn’t falter as he penetrated the man’s mind once more, making him shriek in pain through his manic laughter. What he found there was not pleasant. Kylo cocked his head to the side as he pushed further, curiosity and the need to know more were taking over. He could see Snoke, still alive. Giving orders to sabotage the Knights of Ren while they were all still alive. He could see Finnhall killing most of them, the betrayal made Kylo roar in anger before pulling from the man’s mind. Igniting his lightsaber in pure rage, slicing the table in half before holding the weapon up to Finnhall’s face.   
“You’re lying.” Kylo knew this couldn’t be true but he needed to say it anyway. Finnhall chuckled, there was panic in his eyes as he eyed the weapon blazing just inches from his face but he laughed anyway.   
“Looks like your master killed off your little gang of loyal followers huh?” Finnhall tapped his fingers to his temple.

Kylo took a step back and watched the man in confusion, he couldn’t understand why his own master had wanted to sabotage him like that. Had he hoped to make him stronger or weaker?   
“Why?” he asked now.  
“Don’t know, son. I was just doing my job.”   
The word _son_ set him off and without saying anything he slowly pressed his burning weapon against the man’s arm. The scent of burnt skin filled the room and Kylo bellowed in frustration, using his other hand to go deeper into the man’s mind. Finding a place he had not wanted to see. He saw her. Young and small and scared to death. It felt intimate to see her like that and all of a sudden he knew how she had felt when she had seen his younger self in his mind. Finnhall was purposefully letting him see what he’d done to her and it was far from pretty.

Finnhall laughed again and Kylo pulled back his lightsaber, switching it off as he looked at the man.   
“You remember..” he realized.

“Oh I remember alright.” Finnhall smirked and turned his gaze toward Erin, Kylo followed it and met her eyes.   
“A girl like that is a valuable thing at Tabo-kul.” He smirked. “I bet you’re glad they didn’t ruin that pretty face of hers.”  
Kylo’s grimaced as he choked the man once more, to stop him from saying anything else, pressing him back into the seat violently before realizing this man might be able to tell him who she was. Where she came from. He pulled back the Force and spoke coldly, his voice demanding.

“Where did you find her?”   
Finnhall seemed to take Kylo’s sudden interest in the girl all wrong but Kylo decided to play along.   
“Naboo.”   
  
***  
  
“You remember..” Kylo’s voice was soft and Erin frowned as she tried to figure out where the conversation was going.

“Oh I remember alright.” Finnhall smirked and looked right at her and something about his gaze made her feel uneasy. When Kylo looked their way she tried to read his face but she couldn’t.   
And then Finnhall’s voice rung darkly through the room.   
“A girl like that is a valuable thing at Tabo-kul.” He smirked. “I bet you’re glad they didn’t ruin that pretty face of hers.”

Erin took a step back suddenly, hitting the wall of the room as she did. She had seen this man before, in fact he had ruined her life. She had only seen his eyes before since he had covered his face, but now it all came back to her. Silvester Finnhall had killed her parents and taken her to Tabo-kul. Her vision seemed to go black with rage for a moment and she shook her head to try and focus on the situation at hand. She could feel all of it again, the pain and the anger, the desperation and the fear. Everything he had done to her by selling her like a slave to those arena’s. Her breathing accelerated as she heard only half of the conversation going on between the two men.   
“Where exactly?” Kylo Ren pressed.   
“Clinging to the body of her dead father.” Finnhall was playing games now, messing with her head. All Kylo Ren seemed to care about was more information on her. Erin started to realize this could get dangerous, but she was too emotional to think rationally.   
“Why was she valuable?”   
She hated him for asking about her past like that, for torturing her by having to listen to this man.   
“Let’s just say Force sensitive children bring a little edge to the game.”   
Erin had not known she was Force sensitive at that point in her life, she now wondered how a man like Finnhall would have known.   
Kylo didn’t flinch, there was no emotion whatsoever on his face.   
“You put children in there, ruined their lives. And for what….credit?!” she stormed up toward him now, her voice ice cold as she hissed at his face.   
“It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it.”   
“Stand down, Erin.” Kylo’s voice was quiet and demanding.  
She knew it wasn’t a question the moment he said it and she hated him for it. Was there no humanity left in him? Could he not let her have this moment? She took a step back in obedience.   
Finnhall clicked his tongue and smirked.   
“Looks to me like you’re still someone’s slave.”   
And just like that, Kylo Ren ignited his lightsaber through the man’s chest, taking the life out of him like it was nothing at all.   



	14. Hunger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Another chapter. And I have a feeling you guys are really going to like this one. Short but sweet...sort of.

Erin stared at the man whose lifeless eyes stared right back at her. She couldn’t believe what Kylo Ren had done. She couldn’t believe he’d take that from her like that. He had told her to stand down while he knew what this man had done, only to kill him himself? She stood like that for several moments, contemplating what had just happened. Had he known all along who this person was? Had he seen her in his mind?   
She shuffled back slowly, her hands trembling as anger seemed to spread its way through her veins. She could sense his eyes on her as he stepped away from the body. The only sound filling the room was the sound of their breathing. His slow and steady, he didn’t seem phased at all by what had happened. Hers unevenly and loud. She shook her head and felt her brow crease into a deep frown.   
“Erin…” his voice was quiet and sounded almost compassionate. Almost. If she would’ve believed he was capable of that emotion. She held up her hand without looking at him.   
“Don’t.”   
“He shouldn’t have called you a slave.” He replied.  
“You shouldn’t have killed him.” She retorted and turned her head to face him.   
They stared at each other like what seemed to be an eternity and although they didn’t speak with words, their eyes seemed to communicate exactly what needed to be said.

 

***  
  
She was right.   
  
He shouldn’t have killed him. He was hers to kill. And he had taken that from her out of pride. He now saw the error in his actions. Killing him would have made her stronger, more powerful, maybe even more balanced. It would take weeks of training to get to that place now if she ever did. But he also knew that it wasn’t just a matter of pride. She needed it emotionally, and he knew. This scared him. Other people’s emotions were never really on his mind. That used to be Ben Solo. Kylo Ren didn’t take other’s emotions into account. So why did he suddenly feel like he had to now?  
The look in her eyes was as cold as ice, any connection he had felt through the Force or the moments they had the day before seemed to be cut off now. It felt as if something was lost in her.   
He didn’t move as she walked up toward him, expecting her to leave. But she didn’t. Instead she took the lightsaber he had adjusted to his belt and pulled it from his hip. The gesture surprised him and he took a step back only to see that her anger wasn’t direct at him but at the dead body of Silvester Finnhall instead.

  
She kicked his chair back with force making the body drop to the marble floor. She roared, his lightsaber blazing as she struck his face with the weapon. One, twice, three times. The sound coming from her was broken and desperate, as if her anger could bring him back for her to kill over and over as she kept hitting at where his head was just mere seconds ago. She was hitting the floor with such force marble was about to crack.   
“Stop it.” Kylo replied patiently. Truth be told he understood frenzies like this more than anyone. But the girl didn’t stop, instead she just moved to a different part of the body, stabbing at it as if her life depended on it.   
“STOP IT.” He said again, louder this time and when he realized she wasn’t about to stop he caught her wrist in midair before she could strike again. She snarled at him and pulled at her arm to free herself but he was stronger. They struggled like that for a while and he let her tug and push until he was done with it. Using the Force to remove his lightsaber from her hand and toss it across the room.   
“Enough!” he yelled, his face up close to hers and equally as aggravated. He was staring at a mirror image of his broken soul. She didn’t give in. Instead she used her anger, like he had taught her, against him. Pushing him back with her own jolt of the Force. He roared in irritation, charging at her as she stepped back over whatever was left of Finnhall’s body. He ran into her and forcefully pushed her back. Her back hitting the hard and cold marble of the wall. Once, twice, three times as he tried to clear her mind of the anger that had now taken over. He knew she wasn’t out to hurt him, not lethally anyway, she was taking her anger out on him because she couldn’t on Finnhall when he was still alive. She slipped from his grip and went straight for his lightsaber, running across the room and throwing anything in her way aside. She was ready for another round at the body he realized.

His long legs took large steps to keep up with her, grabbing her by her sides as he pulled her back from the weapon. Her small frame was easy to carry as his large hands folded around her waist. But she was quick and smart. Screaming out as she made her move and slammed him down on the floor. As she crawled up quickly he pulled her back with the Force, making her fall over. He kept her there, pinned to the ground.  
“Stop it, you’re being ridiculous.” He said, his voice suddenly composed as he walked over to her, his breathing anything but calm however. He could sense her pushing back and he took the challenge. If she wanted to fight this out like this, he would comply. She pushed back enough to escape from his power and he decided to leave the Force out of it and grab her wrist again, pulling her toward him.   
“Let go of me, Ren.” She hissed from between clenched jaws.

When he didn’t she started to struggle again, turning from him only to be pulled back flush against his broad frame. She was kicking now, her legs pushing against the wall to keep him from dominating the fight. He could feel the flutter of her heartbeat.   
“I said, stop it.” He growled and her legs caved, causing him to slam her into the wall by accident. Her cheek hit the stone and he could hear her gasp as he gave her some space to recover. It all happened so fast. Surely, she’d be done now. When she turned to face him, his hands were still pressed against the cold surface of the wall. The contact between the stone and her cheek had caused a thin cut and he felt a pang of guilt. She looked up at him and struggled, just slightly this time as their energy changed. Kylo could feel his lips part as he looked down at the bundle of aggression that was now framed by his two arms and he moved in closer. Closing the space between them, testing the waters as he did but she didn’t move. Her chest was heaving with exhaust and before she could decide to fight again he succumbed to his instincts, took her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers. At first he could feel her hands push at his chest, as if she was fighting him, but just seconds after they balled into fists grabbing onto the fabric of his robes. The sensation of her lips on his was electrifying and he pushed her back against the wall, running one hand impatiently through her hair as the kiss deepened. He moved his hands from her face only to travel from her hips up her waist, pushing her up to carry her weight in his arms. He could feel her hands tangle in his hair, tugging at it and the sensation made him growl quietly into her mouth. She tasted the way she smelled, sweet and intoxicating. He kissed her as if he could find all the answers to the questions his soul had on her lips.   
  
***  
  
She was lost. In the moment and the kiss and herself. All the anger she had felt was suddenly translated in pure lust as she felt his large hands travel up the sides of her thighs, grazing her skin as the fabric of her dress slid up. Everything about him felt familiar and alien at the same time. She felt her body starving for his kiss as he bit her lower lip. His hands moving down the sides of her legs again as he moved his lips to her neck. The tip of his nose moved slowly across the scar at her jaw before he kissed the tender skin of her neck, making her shiver as she let her head fall back. She sighed softly and as his hands travelled up her back she suddenly snapped out of it. What was she doing? This was wrong, this was so very wrong. She gasped in shock and pushed him back. He looked at her in bewilderment, his dark hair messy and falling in front of eyes clouded by hunger. She kept pushing at his chest as she moved her legs to stand again, she was trembling, and she hated that it wasn’t out of shock but because she had enjoyed it. He let her go just as suddenly as he had kissed her and ran a hand through his hair while he turned and moved away from her quickly.   
Erin took a moment to catch her breath and she could hear him do the same. She was the first to break the silence.   
“We should leave…now.” she said and they both knew this was true, before anyone would come up and find what they had done to Finnhall and the room. They’d know it had been Kylo Ren, but they wouldn’t have to deal with the mess if they left right now. Kylo turned and looked at her only to nod.   
“Yes.” His voice was still husky and breathless. “Gather your belongings and meet me at the ship.” Was all he said before he stormed out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened...Let me know what you think!


	15. Test

After Erin got changed into her uniform and had gathered her things she rushed out of the casino. She could still feel the burn of his lips on hers as she hurried to the location they had left the ship just days ago. It seemed like a completely different life by now. She was disappointed with herself, how could she feel this way about a person that had killed so many of her friends, and so many innocent people. As she arrived at the ship she could see he was already getting ready to go. Kylo Ren didn’t speak as she entered the spaceship, he was busy moving his hands over buttons she doubted he even needed to start the engine. She was fine with his silence though, relieved even.   
She settled into the co-pilot seat next to him and glanced over accidentally. His lips were pursed in concentration, his hair still messy from her hands.

She took the liberty of typing in the co-ordinates of their destination and checked the charts for anything that might cause trouble on the way there. They both kept themselves busy as the ship started to rumble and took off. Erin looked out and down at the ocean beneath them. As the planet grew smaller and the sky and stars were once more surrounding them he broke the silence. He didn’t look at her and his voice was quiet, but he spoke.   
“I’m sorry I killed him.” Was all he said and as she glanced over at him she knew he was saying sorry for more than just that. Sorry for not trusting you. Sorry for not giving you your revenge. Sorry for the kiss. She didn’t reply. She didn’t know what he expected her to say or if there were any right words to be said at this point. They didn’t speak for the rest of their journey, both fighting their inner battles in silence.

 

***  
  
“You _killed_ Sil Finnhall?” Hux’ voice was cold as he paced around the debriefing room. “Well I’m glad you had fun at your little field trip, Ren. But we’ve had far more pressing matters to attend to.”  
Kylo Ren had ignored any contact with Hux for as long as he could but after requesting his presence over three times in the past two days Kylo decided to speak to him.  
“Well Hux, enlighten me.”   
“I have reasons to believe there’s a spy amongst us.” Hux turned now, facing Kylo as he leaned over the table.   
“My men have found a series of encrypted messages. They’re trying to break the encryption as we speak but someone must’ve sent them and I intend to find out whom.”  
“Well, have you checked the sender’s security code?” Kylo replied, his voice bored. Hux suspected a spy to be amongst them almost every month, he wondered why he was bothering him with the information if he had no hard facts yet.   
“Of course we have, I’m not an idiot, Ren.” He snapped. “And while I don’t believe the security code that used was used belongs to our spy, the person it belongs to is in a holding cell.”   
“Who is it?”   
“A lower rank communications officer, sir.”   
“But you don’t think he’s the spy?” Kylo sat up straight now, slightly more intrigued.   
“The encryption code on the messages is complicated, I don’t think a simple officer could manage this type of coding. But you’re welcome to find out for yourself.”   
“Where is he?”   
“HC11-23, sir.”   
Kylo stood up and turned before he left the room.   
“Hux..” he held out his hand. “I want a list of all the personnel enlisted at the time these messages started to be send out.”   
“Of course, Surpeme Leader.”

 

***  
  
 Erin had not seen or heard anything from the Supreme Leader for three days and if she was honest with herself she was relieved. She’d had time to think and come to her senses, telling herself that what had happened was simply because of the shock and emotions taking a hold of her. It had been too long since she’d had any human attention like that and she was in a vulnerable state, seeing her captor for the first time in forever had send her reeling and Kylo Ren had simply been there to catch her. It meant nothing. He meant nothing. She was here for the Resistance, for General Leia and her friends and for peace in the galaxy.   
She sat crossed-legged in front of the large window in the training quarters. It was long past midnight, her favourite time of day. Her eyes were closed as her hands rested lightly on her knees and she focused on her breathing. A quiet and calm sensation came over her as all thoughts seemed to dissolve from her mind, leaving only silence. She could hear the faint buzz of the fluorescent lights above her and the humming of the ship moving through hyperspace.   
But the quiet didn’t last long. The past days she was haunted by memories of the past in dreams and visions and thoughts. Seeing Finnhall had awoken something in her that she had long ago supressed. She tried to push the thoughts away, frowning as she stubbornly remained seated trying to focus on her breathing. But she could feel the desperation and fear like a cold chill, running up her spine and taking over. She could remember all of it. Holding on to her father, crying out for him to come back. Being pulled away from him. No food, no water for days. The pain whenever she disobeyed. There were so many children there, all of them scared. She took a deep breath and tried to focus on anything else but the memories, anything else but the pain until she heard his voice.   
“Don’t.”   
For a moment she wondered if it was in her mind, but then realized it was right behind her. She turned to watch over her shoulder quickly, he was standing in the doorway watching her intently before he moved and walked up to her.   
“I saw you.” He said quietly.   
Erin turned to look at their reflection in the mirror and could see him squat down next to her.   
“I saw what he did to you. I understand that you’re scared.”   
“I’m not.” She shook her head. He didn’t speak, he just watched her and for a moment she wondered if he was about to enter her mind. But he didn’t.   
“Are you ready to continue your training?” he asked.   
Erin looked at him in slight confusion, she wasn’t sure if he was still willing to teach her about the Force after everything that had happened. But here he was, offering her more. She nodded tentatively, not sure what the next steps were supposed to be. He rose and held out his hand to help her up. Erin took it carefully, noticing how her hand seemed tiny in his. He let go of her hand once she stood and looked down at her, there seemed to be a distance in his eyes.   
“I need you to show me how you did it, with Agnatar. How you got the information from him.”   
“Now..?” she asked.   
He nodded.   
“I’m sure it doesn’t work on you. I’ve only ever tried it with non-sensitives.”   
“Let’s say I have a test subject for you.”   
Erin frowned and wasn’t sure where this was going nor if she wanted to go there, but when Kylo Ren turned and asked her to follow him, she did so without hesitation.   
  
Her heart was beating its way out of her chest as she entered the holding cell. The man in front of her could’ve been her, in fact it should have been. Kylo stood close behind her, she could feel the heat radiate off of him. It made her nervous for entirely different reasons than before. He had just told her Hux believed there to be a spy amongst the higher ranks of the First Order. Encrypted messages had been sent, the only trace left the security number of the Communications Officer strapped to the steel seat in front of her. Erin swallowed. She knew these weren’t her messages, she’d used a different security number, but Hux being onto any spy within the First Order was a threat to her mission as well. She took a few steps forward and saw the man was crying. Her hands were trembling and she realized he must’ve been tortured. She glanced back at Kylo who in turn gave her a supportive nod.   
“What are you doing to me?” the man asked as Erin approached. She smiled slightly, this was easier if the man was at ease.   
“I’m not here to do anything to you. I’m here to ask you a few questions.” Her voice was compassionate, almost gentle as she stood next to the metal chair holding the man in place. The man took a shaky breath and struggled against his restraints.   
“What is he doing here then?!” he yelled and his eyes were fixed upon the man in black, still standing by the door watching the scene absorbedly.   
“He won’t hurt you.” Erin made the promise without knowing if she’d be able to keep it. She had seen what Kylo could do when he was determined. There was no stopping him if he had made up his mind.   
The man looked up at her now, his face was stained with tears and sweat. Old blood coming from his nose and ears. She knew she shouldn’t feel sorry for someone who had willingly joined the First Order but she was only human. She took a deep breath to steady herself and as she opened herself up to the Force she could sense the power emanating from where Kylo was standing, he was feeling it too. She glanced at the name tag on the man’s shirt.   
“Leo,” she spoke softly. “You will tell me if you sent those messages.”   
“I didn’t! I told you I didn’t!” the man cried out in sheer panic.   
Kylo stormed toward them, a quiet growl coming from him, reminding her of different times. She quickly shook the feeling and held out her hand to keep him back.   
“He’s telling the truth.” She looked at him sternly and she knew he could feel it too. She turned back to the man, looking into his blue eyes.   
“I believe you, Leo. Tell me who could’ve had access to your security codes.”  
The man didn’t protest this time, he answered calmly.   
“Anyone in my team on communications might have seen them. I work at the right wing. And the general.”  
Kylo shifted impatiently behind her but Erin decided to go on.   
“Is there anyone new on your team?”   
“Three of the assistants, they’ve been here for less than 6 months.” She nodded slowly, a slight smile playing around her lips. She was glad she could get the information out of him without the torture. He had not proven do have done anything wrong.   
“Do you suspect any of them in particular? Who could’ve had access to your codes, Leo. Think about it.”

“The woman, Xeni…she..we…she might’ve been able to see me use them.”   
Erin looked back at Kylo and lifted one eyebrow, she knew he could probably see what the man was trying to hide.   
“Thank you for your cooperation, Leo. That’s all.”   
Erin walked back to the door and moved past Kylo, he followed her out of the holding cell quietly and she turned to look at him when the door closed.   
“You couldn’t get that information yourself?” she crossed her arms.   
“How long have you been able to do that?” he just asked.   
  
***  
  
She looked like her old self again, her uniform hiding all skin and her hair neatly tucked back. So different from the woman he had seen just days ago. He had never seen her this gentle though and he wondered if this what she was like just before she killed her targets or if this was something different. He couldn’t help but feel jealous that this nobody got to hear her voice like that while he never had. He had tried hard not to think about what happened back at Canto Bight but it seemed impossible now that she was this close to him again. He watched the scene play out in front of him and realized the technique was an old Jedi practise. He had seen it before, but hardly ever this naturally. While he had to enter the minds of those who refused to speak openly to him and sometimes even torture the information out of them, Erin was able to coax them into obeying her. It was fascinating to watch the power of the Force manifest differently in her. He followed her out of the room and was content to conclude the information she had gotten from the man seemed to coincide with what he had seen in his mind.   
“How long have you been able to do that?”   
She shrugged.   
“I’m not sure.”   
“At first…did you know you were doing it?”   
She shook her head.

“No. Did you get what you needed, sir?”   
She was nervous, he realized. He wondered why as he nodded.   
“We’ll proceed your training with the suspects he mentioned. This shouldn’t be too difficult.”   
When she met his eyes he could see something in her had changed, there was a wall there that wasn’t there before. She was keeping her distance and it frustrated him.   
“Yes, sir.”    
“I’ll see you first thing in the morning. HC45-61.” He replied pertinently.   
“Yes, sir.” She said again, this conversation was getting uncomfortable and he could tell she was ready to leave. He nodded curtly and moved aside so she could, feeling something ache in his chest as she walked away. She turned and looked back at him and her voice was suddenly the same as it had been while she talked to the man in the holding cell.   
“What will you do to him?”   
Kylo had not thought about it yet, but something in her eyes said she didn’t want him to hurt the man. And even though Kylo was angry with the man for being so imprudent he also realized he had not done anything that should cost him his life. He would have to consider this a warning.   
“Nothing.” And he took advantage of the moment to see her eyes once more. They turned softer at his reply and she nodded just slightly as if she approved. And for the first time in a long time Kylo felt as if he had done something right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, seems like Hux is onto something huh? What do guys think will happen, or what would you like to see... More training? More talking about the past? More heat? Let me know and I might be able to work it into the next chapters. Thank you so much for reading.


	16. Trust

The interrogations had been easy and uneventful. Two of the assistants had not seen or heard anything, after Kylo had confirmed what Erin already knew to be true he let them go. There was only one suspect left. The woman that the communications officer had mentioned. It had been clear they had been close enough for her to be able to get to his information. Kylo even suspected an affair. After breakfast Erin had readied herself to go to the interrogation room to talk to the woman called Xeni. She wasn’t sure what she was going to find, but since the previous suspects had been innocent she was anxious. She wasn’t sure what she would do if she would actually find someone from the Resistance in that room.   
  
The interrogation room she was expected to arrive at was on the other side of the ship. As she walked she started to notice a shift in the energy amongst the lower ranks. They were restless. Something was going on. She could hear whispers and nervous talking as she kept walking. Before she could enter the hallway that lead to her destination Kylo Ren stormed into her direction. His dark robes flowing around him as he quickly moved down the hall. He looked distraught.   
“It’s done.” Was the only thing he snapped at her and Erin couldn’t help but wonder what had been done. She looked at him in confusion before looking at the door to the interrogation room. What had happened?   
She quickly ran up to the door, pressing her face to the glass as the Stormtroopers next to the door tried to stop her. Right there, through the glass she could see the lifeless body of a woman she immediately recognized. Her name was Febi but at the First Order she had apparently been known as Xeni. Her chest was burnt and ruined by what could’ve only been a blaster. Right next to her was General Hux, holding the weapon that had killed her just seconds ago. The smoke was still coming from her body. Erin gasped and turned from the door quickly, her heart sinking as she tried to maintain control. She had known Febi. Febi had been on tons of missions with Poe, he always spoke highly of her. And now she was here and she was dead. Erin suddenly realized she was playing with fire as she tried to compose herself and walk away from the scene. Her hands were trembling as she balled them into fists. How long had Febi been here as a rebel spy? How long did she last? Months maybe.   
“Agarun!”   
Erin froze. In her attempt to flee the scene she had not heard the door open. The voice of General Hux was loud as it echoed down the hall. The coldness in his voice made her shoulder tense as she turned slowly.   
“Yes, sir?” she swallowed, hoping her face wasn’t giving her away.   
“Ren’s expecting you. Debriefing room S1.”   
Erin nodded but couldn’t move for a moment, had Kylo seen anything in Febi’s mind that would’ve given her away. Was she supposed to run? And would she even make it far if someone as powerful as Kylo Ren wanted to find you.   
“Now!” Hux screamed and Erin winced slightly as he did.   
“Yes, sir.” She nodded anxiously and turned, trying to keep her steps calm and resolute as her legs were shaking. It was hard to push the sight of Febi’s smouldering chest from her mind, Erin wasn’t sure she was ready to die just yet. She could feel tears fill her eyes and she made a quick right to hide in one of the maintenance rooms, leaning against the door to keep it closed. She pressed her hand against her mouth to keep herself from making too much noise as she started to cry. Tears running down her cheeks as she sunk down to the floor. Everything inside her was shaking and she couldn’t help but think of her friends back home and the many heroes that went before Fedi and sacrificed their lives for what they believed in. She believed in this. She believed in Leia, in all the beautiful people fighting side by side to bring peace and freedom to the galaxy. She just wasn’t ready to give that up yet. Erin took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her cheeks, realizing that if Kylo Ren wasn’t already onto her and she took too long she would no doubt look guilty. She pressed her hands firmly against her face and took a deep breath.   
“Come on Erin, you got this.” She whispered to herself as she smoothed back her hair and wiped her cheeks once more just to be sure there weren’t any signs of her breakdown left. She would face Kylo Ren and her fears with it. Because she wasn’t doing this for herself, she was doing this for everyone else.   
  
***  
  
“You expected me, sir?” the distance was still there in her voice but now it was mixed with something else, something that felt like anxiety to him. Kylo Ren turned to face her and instantly felt calmer than he had just a while ago.   
“Yes.” He gestured for her to sit but she remained standing, her hands clasped tightly behind her back.   
“We’ve gotten some unexpected information.” He continued.   
“Regarding the suspect, sir?” she asked when he didn’t elaborate.   
“Regarding the Resistance.”   
He could see the slightest change cross her face as her eyes widened just faintly and imagined it was curiosity.   
“Apparently Hux had taken it upon himself to interrogate the woman himself. Against my orders.” He growled the last sentence, finding the general in the interrogation room this morning had more than upset him. He didn’t like others undermining his authority and Hux seemed to be set on doing just that time after time.   
“The woman didn’t cave to his techniques, obviously.” Kylo rolled his eyes. “But when he let me have my way I found something peculiar.”   
She didn’t speak, she didn’t ask the question he could feel burning in her mind. Instead she was quiet, looking at him intently.   
“She gave me the co-ordinates of the locations of the remnants of the Resistance.”

“She did what?” Erin replied in pure disbelief.   
“She told me where they are. She cracked like a branch, honestly.” Kylo felt proud to present this information. They were finally getting closer, but the girl didn’t seem to be as pleased as he had expected her to be.   
“Of course I could have gotten a lot more out of her had Hux not impulsively shot her to death.” Another growl, he’d really have to deal with the general later on.   
“How do you know she spoke the truth?” she asked.   
“Oh I know she did.” Kylo replied arrogantly.   
“Well what will you do now?” he looked at her, frowning slightly as he realized she was still not happy. This was good news, great news even, why wasn’t she showing any signs of it being so.   
He shook his head and pointed at her.   
“Not me..you.”   
“I’m not sure I know what you mean, sir.”   
“I want you to conduct a reconnaissance and report back to me if the Resistance is still there.”   
  
***  
  
“I want you to conduct a reconnaissance and report back to me if the Resistance is still there.”  
Erin couldn’t believe what he was saying and she was sure it was showing all over her face.   
“Me, sir?”   
He walked up closer to her, almost too close for comfort as he looked down at her.   
“This is important.” He spoke more quietly now, almost tender. “I trust you.”   
She could tell this really was important to him, which made her wonder why he wouldn’t just go there himself and snuff them out in the process.   
“Why not go yourself?” she asked, careful.   
“They’ll know. No one will recognize you. You’re good at finding people.”  
Of course, he didn’t want to lose the element of surprise in case they did find them. She nodded slowly, meeting his gaze with mixed emotions. As a member of the First Order she should’ve felt honoured, as a member of the Resistance she felt terrified. But there was something about him asking her to do this, trusting her with this, that made her feel conflicted. She was sure that if he wanted to kill whatever was left of the Resistance he would just show up there and end this war once and for all. Why wasn’t he? Why did he want to be so sure.  
“I work best alone.” She replied expertly and something in his face changed. He was relieved, happy to have someone on his side, she could tell by the way his face relaxed.   
“Of course.” He nodded and Erin could feel her mind spinning as all the scenarios of how this could go wrong played out in her head.   
“And I can’t take one of our ships, in case they’ll see it on the radar.” She went on, already thinking through the mission even though it still had not dawned upon her she might be going home.   
“Of course.” Kylo replied again, the faintest hint of a smile playing around his lips.   
Erin didn’t meet his eyes, she was still processing things in her mind as she stared at the wall.   
“Don’t be scared.” He suddenly said, his voice still gentle, something she wasn’t used to hearing. She knew he could sense her fear but he was interpreting it all wrong she realized and she was grateful for it. She looked up to meet his gaze once more.   
“You can do this.” His voice was full of confidence in her and the way he looked at her made her feel like something inside her was breaking. He was completely vulnerable trusting her with this, and she could see some of the boy he once was in his face. Not scared like she had seen in his mind, but open and trusting. And she was betraying that slight spark of light in him.  
“What if we do find them?” she dared to ask while he was in this state of strange peace. He looked at her long and hard, conflict clearly visible in his eyes as he pondered the possibilities. She could swear she was seeing his eyes become damp.   
“I’m not sure.” He replied.

 

Surprise washed over her.  


She wanted to take this moment and tell him he didn’t have to do this. That he didn’t have to be like this or act like this but she knew it would only work against her. He would never trust her again if she was to push him on this matter now. He was shedding his skin and what she saw surprised her. There was still hope left, she realized. But he needed to be the one to realize it for himself. She decided to play her part, reaching out for his gloved hand, folding both her bare hands around it. He looked down at their hands and closed his eyes for a moment. And Erin realized there was something else she could do for the Resistance. She could try and help him find his way back. She could feel the battle inside of him and the overwhelming sensation of it broke her heart. He was lost, chasing after the Resistance as if it was going to prove to him that he was making the right choices, but he was so unsure. He was the first to break the silence but he didn’t move his hand from hers.   
“Do you think you’d be different…if the past didn’t happen the way it did?” he asked quietly. She didn’t look up but stared at the scratches on the leather of his glove.   
“Yes. But it happen, and I can’t change that.” She looked up and took in his face. The pink scar looked out of place now that his eyes had softened.   
“True.” He now moved to take her hands in his and the gesture took Erin by surprise.   
“But we can change the future. We can restore it.” The way he said it almost had her believing it, and she realized no one really knew how Kylo Ren saw the future. What his grand vision was. Was it the same as Snoke’s had been? No one bothered to ask because they had simply assumed it was the deep and dark destruction of anything good in the galaxy.    
“How?” she asked and she knew she was curious in the most honest way possible. What was this future everyone was so scared of? And what did it look like according to the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Her greatest enemy.   
“Balance.”

And before he could explain the door opened and a general unknown to Erin entered the room along with several Stormtroopers. Kylo had let go of her hands and had moved away from her just as swiftly.

“ _What is it_?!” his voice had turned cold and dark again, and Erin wondered if there really were two different men hiding within him or if this was all an act.   
“Supreme Leader, we have a situation in communications…” the general explained. “It’s officer Mena. He’s causing quite the _scene_.”   
Leo Mena, Erin realized. The man they had interrogated just days ago and had been released with just a warning.  
“Bring me to him.” Kylo reacted annoyed, glancing at Erin just once more before leaving the room to attend to whatever scene the officer was causing.

 

 

***  
  
Leo Mena had not survived. Sending Erin reeling once more as the ups and downs of Kylo Ren kept confusing her. Just moment before he had confessed to not knowing what to do, just to kill a men in cold blood right after. The man was a mess.

 

A mess that had made sure she had everything she needed and more to get to the supposed location of the Resistance safely. Hux, of course, wasn’t too keen on Erin conducting a reconnaissance without any assistance. But she knew she had even won Hux’ trust after everything she had done for him, or at least enough of it to let her go this once. She was nervous as she entered the co-ordinates that Kylo Ren had taken from her fellow Resistance fighter’s mind moments before her death. She had left by herself before, on Hux’ orders, but this was different. She knew they’d be checking on her frequently, and she was to report back as soon as she got to her destination and every possibility she got while she was there. But she felt strangely free for a moment. Her fingers were shaking as she hit the buttons and flipped the switches to leave the ship. She sent her small vehicle in hyperspace as soon as she could, heading for what might be the location of the friends she hadn’t seen in what felt like forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going back to the Rebels in the next chapter and I couldn't be more excited! No worries, there will be more Kylo soon. Lots of him, actually.


	17. Resistance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very excited for you guys to read this chapter. It's longer than what you're used to but I felt like this needed to be told in one go. I'm very curious what you'll think because this chapter hints at a different side to Erin, a more human side Kylo has not yet seen of her but might in the future....Anyway, this chapter marks a turning point in the story, and I can't wait to write all the things that are next. But for now...enjoy!

When she arrived on the planet the remnants of the Resistance were supposedly been last according to Febi Erin realized she had no idea what she was doing. The co-ordinates had been clear enough as to what general area her friends could be, but actually finding them would have to be harder than that. The strange thing was that the co-ordinates had led her to a small but busy city.  
  
Erin left the ship and took a small backpack with her carrying things to survive out in almost any climate. The planet was warm and desert like, just a few plants could be found by the edge of the city. There were a lot of hills and caves surrounding the city, some houses even seemed to be built right into the curve of the caves. She could feel eyes on her as she moved through the streets, but she realized any stranger would be looked at here.  
  
The population was a mix of humans and aliens alike. None of them particularly rich or poor it seemed. It wasn’t a bad place to live, she realized. If she hadn’t been right smack in the middle of a war she would’ve almost found it peaceful. Her journey had taken her two days to be exact, in which she hardly slept. She knew the First Order would trace her ship and they’d know she had arrived. They would even know exactly where she was since Hux had insisted on putting a tracker on her. She would report back to Kylo Ren, and Kylo Ren only. That was the deal. And it felt strange to be here without anyone of the First Order escorting her or keeping an eye on her. It seemed so easy to just escape, run away from all of it to a place the war had not yet found. She allowed herself to daydream as she sat down at a small tavern and ordered food to eat for the first time in days.    
Small children were playing in the sandy streets, kicking at a rock they had found. Their laughter sounded so unfamiliar to Erin she realized she had not genuinely laughed for a really long time. There wasn’t much laughter at the First Order, and she wondered if that was really the kind of world they wanted to create.  
  
After eating and drinking until she was full she decided to find a place to sleep. She wasn’t too comfortable sleeping outside on an unknown planet, so she decided to rent a room and pretended to be a traveller to whomever asked the question. She had gotten good at pretending.  
Her sleep was filled with nightmares like it had been ever since she had seen Finnhall again. Nightmares about the past mostly, but also nightmares of the present, of what was to come. She would wake up bathing in sweat only to cry herself to sleep again.  
She spent her time like this, wandering, eating and sleeping, for two days without any signs of the Resistance. No one she recognized, no strange activity. Until on the third day she woke early in the morning to the sound of spaceships flying over. She got up and out of bed instantly, leaning out of her window to see a hand full of spaceships in the purple morning sky. She recognized that sound. They were here.  
Her heart skipped several beats as she gathered her things as fast as she could and hurried outside, practically tripping over her own feet as she started to run toward the sight where she had seen the ships. She ran out of the city as the sun slowly started to rise, colouring the dark scene a dusty red. She could hear more ships now, closer than before and she followed the sound and her instincts as she started to run even faster. Her backpack bouncing against her back uncomfortably as she started to feel her legs ache from running this far.  
  
And then she heard his voice.  
  
Cheering on the pilots that had just gone airborne with laughter and bravado like she had not heard in anyone else ever. The sound of it made her feel alive and more like herself than she had in what felt like forever. She moved around the corner of one of the red dusty hills and came to a halt instantly, ducking as another one of the ships went right over her head making her fall to the sandy floor. She watched as the last ship left and could still hear him laughing as she quickly got up, trembling in anticipation as she could see him in the distance. 

Poe Dameron.

He looked her way suddenly, on his guard, reaching for the blaster at his side and Erin quickly raised her hands into the air to show her she meant no harm. He moved closer as recognition washed over his face. He was staring into the rising sun, surely it was making it hard for him to immediately recognise her as she kept moving closer carefully.  
“What the…” was all he uttered before he started to run in her direction.  
Erin couldn’t run anymore, instead she shuffled forward slowly, overcome with emotion as she slowly started to raise her arms to ready herself for an embrace. She could hardly believe he was real until his very real body crashed into hers. The hug felt like coming home. He felt like home, smelled like home, sounded like home as he exclaimed her name in pure happiness. Laughing as he took her face into his hands and kissed her forehead before pulling her back into a hug so tight it made it hard to breathe.  
“Erin?! What are you doing here?! How did you get here? Are you alright…” he pushed her back but did not let her go, examining her face and body. “Are you alright?” he asked again. He was talking so fast it was hard for her to comprehend but she couldn’t help but let out a faint laugh. For a moment she felt happy, absolutely happy.  
“I’m alright.” She said quietly.  
“Did you get out?” he asked immediately, and his eyes she could see the hope that came with his question. She felt sorry to disappoint him as she shook her head.  
“That’s not why I’m here, Poe.”  
He ignored her answer when it wasn’t what he wanted to hear and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side tightly as he started walking, guiding her along.  
“What a day…” he said as he laughed again. “Come on, everyone will be so excited to see you! How did you even get here? How did you find us?”  
She knew he was ignoring what she had said because he never wanted her to be doing what she was doing. If it had been up to him she would’ve never gone to the First Order in the first place. She was unsure if he would ever be able to forgive her for all the things she had done while she was there.  
Erin stopped in her tracks and looked back at the sky to see the ships were all gone now.  
“Poe, wait..”  
He dropped her arms from her shoulders and looked at her, all serious now while he was shaking his head.  
“Let’s get inside first, we can talk there.” He replied, and Erin just nodded slowly.  
  
***  
  
If Kylo was really honest with himself he could sense he was out of balance. His mind constantly occupied by only two things, The Resistance and her. He knew she was alive and had arrived at her destination, maybe Hux’ idea of putting a tracker on her wasn’t that bad after all, but he couldn’t stand the thought of his most valuable asset being out there alone. He was sure she’d succeed, especially with everything she had learned recently. So why did her absence still make him feel so uncomfortable? Was it because at night he could see her eyes in his dreams? Or because he felt alone without the only person that seemed to understand him after everything he had done?  
  
Lying to himself was easier without her around but it felt like he was pretending to be something he was not. It had felt like that for quite a while now and the feeling had only been strengthened by her arrival. When he didn’t hear from her in days he took his frustration out on anyone senseless enough to cross his path. He was spiralling out of control, constantly wondering what to do next. Without the guidance of the Supreme Leader his goals didn’t seem so clear anymore. And even though Kylo Ren had grown to despise that menacing voice in his head ordering him around he also felt lost without it. He had been more than done being bullied around by Snoke constantly pushing him over his limits. He had done things for him that he could never take back, things that a teacher should never have asked of his apprentice. Things that were supposed to make him stronger but had only weakened him in the end. He thought he would feel better after killing his past, he thought he would feel better after killing Snoke, but the truth was Kylo Ren had never felt more pain.  
  
***  
  
They were in a cave. It was cool and dark, the only light was a warm ember colour coming from strange crystals Erin had not seen before. She could hear voice echo from different rooms in the cavern but there weren’t many. People greeted her warmly but there were hardly people she knew here.  
“Is this it?” she asked as she gestured around. Poe handed her some water before sitting down next to her.  
“Yeah, most of us left this morning. The ships you saw..”  
“Left?” she asked.  
“Yeah, we got a message saying the First Order might be onto our location so we’re relocating.”  
Erin shook her head, her eyes closed as she tried to process the information.  
“You got a message?”  
“Yes! You know Febi? She warned us some officer she was close with might be onto her..” he seemed to be proud en excited Febi had been able to warn the Resistance. Erin looked down at the water in her hands.  
“Poe..” she tried to interrupt him but his enthusiasm was too strong.  
“So some of Leia’s friends finally replied and we found this..”  
“Poe.” She interrupted him more sternly, she didn’t want to know where they were going, it was only making her a liability. He looked at her and frowned, she recognized worry in his look.  
“Febi’s dead.”  
“What?” he replied, anger immediately building up in his voice.  
“They caught her using an officer’s security code to transmit the messages you were getting.”  
“Wait..what…how do you even know all this?”  
Erin took a deep breath as she readied herself to tell him what she’d been doing. There was so much catching up to do and so little time. She suddenly felt guilty, their warm welcome way more than she deserved at this point.  
“Let’s say I’ve been given a promotion..” she started.  
“Wait..wait, Leia needs to hear this. We can use any information you’ve got.” He suddenly got up, filled with new found energy as he pulled her up too.  
“Leia’s here?” Erin’s heart sunk.  
“Of course. Rey took the others to the new location. Leia’s making sure everyone is getting out safe.”  
  
Seeing General Leia Organa felt like seeing her long-lost mother. Everything they said about her was true. She was extraordinary and terrifying at the same time as she held out her arms for Erin. Erin moved closer slowly, afraid the woman could see right through her as she hugged her. A sudden sense of calm swept over her and Erin could feel herself let go of all the tension that had been building up inside of her. The woman held her close, quietly petting her hair like she was a child and Erin knew she could feel everything Erin felt in that moment. Leia Organa wasn’t as powerful as Luke Skywalker had been. But she had her own type of Force sensitivity that was surely at hand here as she pulled back and looked at the girl knowingly. Tenderly pushing a strand of hair behind her ear before releasing her.  
“General Organa, Erin has a lot of information to share with us…” Poe started, impatient as always like a young dog. Leia Organa held up her hand to silence him and to Erin’s surprise he stopped talking.  
“I’m afraid we don’t have much time. Am I right Erin?” Leia’s brown eyes reminded her of Kylo’s, sad and tired. She just nodded.  
“Tell us what you know, child. It’s alright.” Leia sat down, and Erin could feel Poe’s hand on her shoulder, encouraging her to tell them everything she knew. Erin started to tell her story, holding back certain details that she wasn’t ready for them to hear. She told them about her work for Hux, how Hux had asked her to assassinate Kylo Ren which got an aggravated “That’s suicide!” from Poe. She told them how she got promoted to do the same work for Kylo Ren and how she ended up here. What she had left out was why Kylo Ren had kept her close, training her in the Force, and what had happened between the two because of it. She knew Poe believed her story without asking any questions, Leia however did not seem convinced.  
“And now you’re here.” She said, her voice warm as she granted Erin an understanding smile. Erin felt nervous all of a sudden, she was sure Leia knew she was hiding something. Erin closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  
“I have to tell him you’re here.” She said honestly.  
“What?!” Poe practically screamed as he walked to stand by Leia’s side to look at her.

“You have to what?” he was pacing the room now. “You don’t have to do anything. You can come with us, leave them.”  
Erin didn’t say anything as Leia met her gaze. Poe seemed to notice the two women having a moment and he shook his head furiously.  
“No. Not this again. I won’t have it.” He pointed at the women one by one. “She’s been through enough Leia. Are we really sending out our best people on suicide missions now?”

When Leia didn’t respond, Poe stormed out, kicking at anything in his way as he did. Leia looked down at her hands and smiled softly.  
“He cares about you a lot.” She said.  
Erin looked at the opening in the cavern that Poe had just stormed out of with an aching heart.  
“I know.” She said quietly.  
“But there’s something else, isn’t there?” Leia got closer now, sitting down in front of the girl as she took both of her hands in hers, squeezing them encouragingly. Erin could only look up with eyes filled with tears, one of them escaping and making its way down her cheek.

“I don’t know what to do.” Erin was crying now. She had told Leia how she had gotten close to Kylo Ren. That she was Force sensitive and that he had offered to train her. That he had let her in somehow, that he trusted her. That she had done terrible things for the First Order that she couldn’t take back and that she was now here to find the Resistance for him. The woman had listened to her quietly, a wide range of emotions crossing her face as the story unfolded itself.  
“You’ve seen Ben…” Leia’s voice broke. Erin didn’t have to tell the woman what she had seen in the mind of Kylo Ren. She knew. Of course she knew, she was his mother.

Erin’s breathing calmed slowly and she wiped her cheeks. There was something about General Organa that made you let your guard down. That made you more human. Erin imagined this was what made her such a strong leader.  
“He’s still in there.” Erin whispered.  

The look in Leia Organa’s eyes was heart-breaking. It was complete sadness mixed with the slightest hint of hope. She was scared to believe Erin, but she could also feel what the girl had seen.  
“If anyone turns on him now he’s gone.”  
Erin knew what she was asking of Leia. She was asking the woman to risk the entire Resistance to save her son. A son that could change this war for better or worse. Leia got up and turned her back on Erin for a moment. Deep in thought as Erin stood as well.  
“It’ll take them at least a day to get here.”  
Still no reply.  
“You can get out. All of you.” Erin went on. “If you go as soon as I let him know you’re here.”  


Silence.  


Leia turned slowly, her face a little more determined now yet her voice was still sad.  
“You’re willing to sacrifice your life for him?”  
“For the Resistance, yes.”  
The woman shook her head knowingly.  
“This isn’t just for the Resistance… You could make yourself useful plenty of other ways for us. You’re doing this for my son...”  
It wasn’t an accusation, it wasn’t even a question really. And as she spoke the words Erin realized they were true. She couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him behind without trying. He had not left her behind when she was in need, he had taken her in and made her stronger. He had opened up to her despite everything she had ever heard about him. For this first time Erin realized she wasn’t just in this for the Resistance. She was in this for him. She felt ashamed to admit it, but it was true.  
“I have to try.”  
“Then we are leaving tonight.”

  
 Erin was sitting in the sunlight, taking in the warmth while Poe had been sitting next to her in silence for almost an hour.  
“I can’t believe you’re doing this. Again.” He shook his head and threw a rock at the ground.  
“It’s my mission, Poe.”  
“No. You’re crazy.” He sounded angry. Erin decided to take these last moments together to change the subject.

“How’s Eloi? How old is he now? Fourteen?”  
When Poe saved her at the arenas of Tabo-kul he had managed to take another child with them, much younger than she had been at the time. Eloi had only been at the arenas for a couple of weeks and Erin had immediately taken the child under her wing. They had been inseparable ever since. Until she left to join the First Order as a spy.  
“He’s fifteen.” Poe replied, still angry.  
“I wish I could see him.” Erin sighed and looked down at her feet.  
“You could, you know. If you came with us.” She looked up at him and shook her head, pleading with him to not start the discussion again.  
“What is she asking you to do, Erin?” he pressed.  
“You should trust her, Dameron. She’s the best leader we could have.”  
“Then why follow someone else?” he retorted, his voice cold. Erin got up suddenly.  
“I’m not following him. I’m trying to help the Resistance.” She hissed. Poe got up now too, the veins in his neck popping up in resentment.  
“By telling him where we are?!” he was raising his voice now. “The man’s a monster, Erin.”  
“You’ll be long gone by the time he gets here!”  
He shook his head as he looked at her, all she could see on his once so happy face was disappointment. She was a disappointment to him.  
“They’ve changed you and you don’t even see it.”  
“That’s not fair.” The comment hit her right where it hurt because she knew he was right.  
“You’re not the first one who thinks he can be saved, you know.” Poe was getting mean now and Erin wondered where the jealous undertone in his voice was coming from. She shook her head.

“I’m not talking to you like this.”  
“Fine!” he yelled.

***  
  
As he received the notification of a new hologram message Kylo Ren retreated to his private quarters. He turned on the hologram once he was sure he was alone and there she was. Three dimensional and in his most private space but she wasn’t real, not in the way he wanted her to be at least. She was just a holographic depiction. He could see she was in her spaceship but he couldn’t see much else. He found himself studying her face, feeling relief to see something of her after those long days without her. The cut on her cheek was still there and seemed to be healing and her nose was that strange colour again, like it had been burnt by sunlight and was covered in almost invisible freckles against her honey skin. Her voice was quiet, but the message was clear. She had found them. She had found at least part of the Resistance and would keep an eye on them until the First Order was able to reach the planet.

And then the hologram ended. Just like that.  
  
Kylo replayed the hologram just to hear her say the words again. “I found them.”   
  
He still found himself unsure of what to do with the news, torn apart by the dark and the light.  
  
  
***  
  
Erin was helping the rebels get ready for their departure. For a moment she felt normal again, as if she too was leaving with them. It helped keeping her mind off of what she was setting out to do. She was sad that her closest friends weren’t here anymore, seeing them would have given her the strength she needed to go on. She was told that Emma was doing much better after an almost fatal attack and was becoming a better pilot every day, she was even happily in love. It hurt Erin to hear that her friend was going through so much pain and happiness and she couldn’t be there to share any of it with her. The new about Eloi wasn’t that well, they had told her he was struggling with his place within the Resistance. That he needed guidance at this age but wasn’t getting enough. That Poe was trying his best with him but it wasn’t enough. Erin was the only one who really knew what Eloi had been through. The trauma it must have left behind. It was something that was hard to understand by people who had not been there themselves. She felt guilty for leaving him behind, she felt guilty for a lot of things she could no longer change. Being around the rebels was a comfort and a pain at the same time. Most of them treated her like a hero. But there were whispers when she tried to ready their ships about her turning. Some of them even suspected her to be a spy for the First Order now. The remarks hit home but Erin told herself this was part of her mission, to be hated. This was never going to be easy, the doubt of a few rebels was the least of her problems right now.  
She could sense someone behind her, and his voice sounded like an apology as he spoke.  
“So…I guess this is goodbye again?”  
She turned to see her best friend standing there, arms crossed over his chest. Still angry but she could tell he was trying to get over it, knowing their time together would soon come to an end. Their last goodbye had had an unexpected turn and Erin wondered if he had forgotten about it. She put the box she was holding in the hold of the spaceship before saying anything.  
“I don’t want to part ways with you angry with me..” she confessed.

She looked up as several ships already started to take off.  
“Has it ever occurred to you I’m angry because I care?” Poe asked, a slight smile playing around his lips. He looked tired and she wondered if it was because his position within the Resistance seemed to have become drastically more important. He was no longer just a pilot, she realized.  
Another ship leaving. She could tell it was Leia’s this time. Their goodbyes had been said earlier, in private.  
Erin rolled her eyes playfully, a sad smile pulling at her lips.  
“Yeah, yeah…sure you do Dameron.” She shoved his shoulder playfully.  
“Come back, okay?” he said, seriously now. “We miss you.”  
“I will.” Another promise she wasn’t sure she could keep.  
Another ship taking off. She could tell Poe was stalling.  
“Will you walk me to my baby?” he grinned as he pointed at his X-Wing.  
“Oh, you got a new one huh?” Erin joked, trying to keep the moment light as she walked with him to the X-Wing.  
They were pretending and they both knew it. Nothing about this moment was to be taken lightly. By the time they got to his vehicle it was the last one on the ground. His trusted droid BB-8 was already on the X-Wing preparing for take-off. His unmistakable beeps giving him away, he was telling Poe to hurry. Erin looked up while she could still see the faint glow of the ships just over the horizon. Her smile faded as she looked down.  
“Yeah, yeah BB-8. I know, buddy. I know. Give me a minute, will you?” he turned to face her and he smiled, but the expression faded quickly at the sight of hers.  
“I need you to do one more thing for me, Poe.”  
He looked straight at her, his brown eyes soft and warm as he nodded instantly.

“Sure E, anything.”  
The mention of his nickname for her pulled at her heartstrings, she tried to push the feeling back.  
“I need you to shoot me.”  
The man looked at her perplexed.  
“What?!” he exclaimed.

“I need you to shoot me. Preferably not lethally though.” She tried to joke.    
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” He said as he shook his head.  
“I need proof, Poe. He’s not going to be pleased to find out you’ve escaped…I need something to show him that I couldn’t have stopped you.”  
“No way. I’m not doing it.” He dodged.  
“I need a safety net, Poe. Please. I need something in case he gets inside my head.”  
“No.”  
“I _need_ you to do this.”

Poe Dameron was looking at her long and hard. He was unsure of anything she was saying and was still feverishly shaking his head. But Erin knew Kylo by now. She knew he would be unsure of her loyalty to him and that he needed reassurance. His trust in her was still unstable, and she didn’t want the escape of the Resistance to change what they had accomplished together. This way she would be able to give him assurance without him torturing it out of her. Just one true moment to show him. She hoped it would be enough.  
“No, Erin. I’m not shooting you.”  
Erin ignored his refusal and took a few steps back.  
“If you shoot me in the side and not hit anything too important we should be fine.”  
She kept stepping back until the distance was great enough for him not to kill her with his blaster. Great enough to make it look like an attack. There was no one around anymore. They were surrounded by hot sand and sunshine and the hysterical beeps of BB-8 protesting what she had asked his master to do.  
“Do it, Poe! If you want me to make it, do it.”  
“No!” he was getting into his X-Wing now.  
Erin knew he wasn’t going to cave, he would never hurt her no matter what. He was too emotional, he couldn’t see why she needed him to do this. And so she closed her eyes and did something she never wanted to do to her best friend. She could feel the Force was still there surrounding her even after closing herself off to it for days. It was awaiting her like a friend. She opened her eyes to look at him, he was still shaking his head angrily. By now he could sense that she was using the Force on him and shock was clearly visible on his face.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Poe, you will shoot me.” She could see him reach for his blaster, confusion pulling at his features as she tricked him into thinking he wanted to do this.  
“Please.”

A single tear visibly made its way down his cheek as he pointed the blaster toward her. She didn’t speak. She needed this image to look real in case Kylo Ren doubted her intentions. She felt scared in anticipation of the pain and used that fear to tap into the Force. She could sense Poe wasn’t going to pull the trigger like she asked him too, his emotions toward her too strong for her to manipulate. So she concentrated as his trembling hand still held the weapon up toward her. It took a lot of her power to do what she knew she had to do but she pulled the trigger. And the blaster beam hit her right where she needed it to, ripping open the scar that General Hux had made there before. She fell to her knees as she realized this was the last she was going to see of her friend in a while or maybe forever. But she had what she needed to save her own life. She knew he wouldn’t need more proof, or at least she was taking a leap of faith.

Poe screamed as he threw the blaster aside and tried to remove his safety belt.  
“Go!” Erin screamed as she pressed her hands to her side, the pressure slightly relieving the pain. “Please go!”  
Loud and high beeps of the droid told him the same. They needed to leave now, or they would be too late. And just like that, Poe Dameron started the engine of his X-Wing and left the woman he cared so deeply about to be found by their greatest enemy.


	18. Past

 

The wound wasn’t as bad as it had felt at first. Erin had been afraid she had inflicted too much damage, but it was mostly hurting because of tender scar tissue that had been opened up by the graze of the blaster. Nothing important was damaged, it was a flesh wound. It sure wouldn’t make things prettier, but she was able to stand and walk and that was enough most important. She had no time to think about what she had done or the goodbyes that had been said. She needed to carry on and get back to her Starfighter.  
  
Once she got to the ship she had some difficulty climbing in but managed to get to the cockpit and contact her superior according to plan. Sending him the hologram proving it was her and explaining what had happened. She had found the rebels ready to leave and while she tried to put a tracker on one of their X-Wings she got injured. She confirmed her current position and send the message. Even though the injury hadn’t done any grave damage she could feel dizzy and tired as she waited for the message to go through. She leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes for a moment to rest. She was so tired. She took the time to take off her jacket and examine her side. The edges of the wound were burnt but most of the skin had teared open due to her running back to her Starfighter. She rolled up her torn bloodstained shirt and picked out the remaining pieces of fabric and dirt understanding she might have pushed herself too far. Her hands were trembling as she picked at the flesh, realizing she was only making things worse she stopped and rested her head back in her seat. She closed her eyes for what had seemed only a moment. When she opened them again she realized the moment had lasted longer than she thought because she could hear the loud rumble of at least part of the First Order fleet. She pulled her shirt down quickly, moving to look out of her windshield to see the dark spaceships land not far from her. The wind pulling at her old Starfighter as they did. She was unsure what was the best approach at this moment, she wasn’t sure what she was doing at all but she figured that if she was to be loyal to Kylo Ren she might as well hurry to his side to tell him what had happened.  
She clambered her way out of the cockpit painfully, her muscles stiff from resting. They had arrived even sooner than she thought they would, were they already heading her way even before she told them she had found the Resistance?  
It took all of her strength to walk upright and in their direction as General Hux and Supreme Leader Kylo Ren exited the spaceship much larger than hers. They didn’t look pleased, in fact General Hux looked furious, his face slightly red as he waited for her to arrive in front of them.

 

Kylo’s face was blank and she hardly recognized him like that. It had been so long since she had seen him this cold and detached. His voice dropped and he didn’t look at her as he spoke.  
“Where did you find them?” was all he asked, he didn’t move.  
Erin stood perfectly still as she felt blood trickle down her side wishing he would just look at her so she could figure out what was going through his mind. When he didn’t she pointed at the caves that were clearly visible from where they were standing.  
“There was almost nothing left but it was them. I’m sure of it.”  
Kylo turned and ordered General Hux and several Stormtroopers to follow him to the caves. He wanted to examine the scene for himself. Erin was ordered to stay behind. There was no compassion whatsoever in his voice as he ordered other Stormtroopers to take Erin inside for medical assistance.  
“You better be ready to explain this to me when I get back.” His threatening voice merely a whisper as he stood next to her and it sent chills up her spine.

She wondered if she had made a mistake in coming back, if she should’ve left when she still had the chance. Two Stormtroopers flanked her as they escorted her onto the ship, Erin looked over her shoulder to see Kylo Ren and General Hux move with their squad to the caves her friends had just escaped from.

 

***  
  
There had been nothing left in the caves but footsteps in the sand and the occasional empty crate. Kylo wasn’t sure how he had expected to feel. There were signs of recent activity in these caves, places that looked like beds and tables, but other than that there was nothing. He was surprised to find that a large part of him felt relief and another part of him even felt longing for what had been here. He refused to show this, even to himself, and acted out like he usually would. Through violence. Sending pure terror through each and every one who got to witness his frenzy. She had been right this far, he could sense it. And he needed to know what happened, who it was she saw to confirm it really were the rebels. He felt his old distrust grow back like a darkness inside him. Had he been wrong to trust the girl?  
  
He watched her from behind the glass. The only thing he could see was her back as she was placed on a metal table. She was lying on her side, supporting her head with her own arm as a med droid worked at the wound that stretched from her hip to her ribs. He could feel something stir in his chest and recognized it as concern. Kylo shook his head at the feeling, frowning deeply as he felt the emotion being replaced by anger. She had failed him. And he needed to know how this had been possible. But then again, had he really expected her to stop an entire fleet of rebels by herself? He entered the med bay while the droid was still at work, dismissing it coldly. He kept his distance as she pushed herself up to sit at the edge of the metal table.  
“I’m sorry.”  
Her voice was quiet, and the apology had taken him by surprise. He didn’t show it while he kept perfectly still, his gaze fixed upon her face and he could see her eyes grow damp. The stirring in his chest reoccurred but he pushed it aside once again replacing it by an emotion he was much more comfortable with, anger.  
“I know I failed you.” She awkwardly pulled down her shirt to cover her injury.  
“What happened?” he demanded, the words coming out harshly.  
She didn’t look away from him as she told him what had happened and he slowly moved closer, wanting to believe her more than anything because he needed someone to believe in. He stood in front of her in silence and she looked up at the stoic mask that was his face. He realized that for the first time in a long time she looked afraid at the sight of him, the look in her eyes disgusted him. He was wary of her story, so used to not trusting anyone but himself by this point.  
“You can probe my mind, if you need to.” There was a hint of annoyance in her voice. He knew how much she hated him being in there and he couldn’t blame her. He had hated when she was in his mind as well. It was too private a place. But he couldn’t help but give in to the doubt that was still taking over his mind, like dark voices telling him not to trust her, not to trust anyone. His eyes met hers and he did his best to keep his face stoic. He stared down at her daringly, challenging her to prove herself to him. She didn’t speak, instead she shifted slightly, wincing as she moved her arm up and carefully reached out to his face.

Kylo didn’t move, he kept staring into her eyes like he was pleading with her to still be on his side of the war. To help him with his own internal war even. He wanted her to.  
He was taken aback at the feeling of her hand on his cheek, it was cold but soft and the gentleness of the gesture made his face relax under her touch just for a moment. His eyes softened as he could feel a tickling sensation in his mind, she was trying to show him something through the Force and he allowed her to. He could feel fear washing over him and pain as he could see what she had seen just moments ago. He could see the face of the man that had done this to her, he could feel the burning at his side and a blinding pain as if an old wound was being ripped open. He gasped at the experience and took a step back, the emotional and physical pain too real through their Force connection. Her hand dropped from his cheek into her lap and he could tell she had felt it all over again as they both took a moment to catch their breath.    
“It really was them…” he whispered in quiet realization.  
“I’m sorry, Kylo.”

He could see she was crying now and the sight made him want to rush to her side. He gave in to the impulse, brushing the tear away with his thumb. He had never seen her like this before. Her face looked fragile against his leather glove and he could feel relief going through her. He leaned in and pressed his lips against where her skin met her hairline, taking in the smell of her hair.  
“You should really stop taking shots for me. Bullets or no bullets.” He whispered.

 

***  
  
It was enough. The simple vision of what had happened to her was enough. She could see it on his face, she could feel it in his energy. She suddenly felt guilty for betraying the man she was trying to save. But on top of it all was relief. Technically she had spoken the truth. She had found the rebels and they had been ready to leave, tipped off most likely by a message from a spy within the First Order. She couldn’t have stopped them if she tried. The only lie she told him was that she had tried. The added emotion of relief to the hurricane inside her was too much and she could feel herself trembling. The day had been too long and too wild, it was too much. She was unable to stop the tears from falling as she was surprised to see Kylo rush to her side. His leather gloved hand pressed reassuringly to her cheek as he brushed away the tears. The gesture of tenderness proving that she had made the right choice in coming back for him. He seemed unsure, nervous maybe even as she felt his lips on her head. His breathing uneven on her skin.    
She closed her eyes and allowed herself to take in his tenderness for just a moment. It was strange and bewildering at the same time and she could feel the energy that had caused her to cave to his attraction before building up between them like a fire. He pulled back and his face was serious again as he pursed his lips.  
“You should get that taken care of.” he looked down at her side where her wound was now hidden behind the fabric of her shirt.  
“Hux expects you at the debriefing right after.”  
“Yes, sir.” She simply replied but she could sense something in their dynamic had changed and she knew there was still hope.

 

The debriefing was intimidating to say the least. Anyone important was there, firing questions at Erin about what had happened. She held her ground, sticking to the facts that were technically true.  
Aurora proved to be hardest to convince and Erin wondered if her feelings toward Kylo had something to do with it. The last time the women spoke it had been more than clear that she was emotionally involved more so than she wanted to admit. She was making things personal.  
“I just don’t get how you could’ve been there for days and not told us sooner…” she snapped from across the table, leaning over it aggressively as she pointed at Erin’s face. Erin bit her tongue and remained seated, only shifting her gaze to meet that of Kylo who seemed thankful she was able to keep her cool.  
“I see where you’re coming from Aurora…I would drill myself with questions too if the roles were reversed. But there was no sign of the rebels.”  
“For all we know she could’ve tipped them off!” Aurora yelled now and Erin was thankful when Hux walked into the room after his brief absence.  
“Okay…well, it seems like Agarun’s story checks out with our most recent facts.”  
Everyone looked at Hux now as he pulled up a screen to show all decoded messages Febi had sent to the Resistance. Erin sat back in relief, glad she got a break from Aurora’s cross-examination and scanned the messages.  
Poe had been right, Febi had send them a warning just moments before her death. Erin suddenly felt grateful for her heroism. She had not died in vain and had probably given in to the interrogations as a distraction. Knowing Kylo would find the full story somewhere in her mind if he would keep looking.  
“The spy gave us away, warning them even before Agarun was able to find them. The mission was doomed to begin with.” Hux sure had a dramatic flair about him from time to time.  
“Not entirely.” Erin knew she had to solidify her position within this group of people once more. There was no mention in Febi’s messages of her life being in danger. Everyone looked at her now, General Hux raised one red eyebrow at her.  
“Well, speak.”  
Erin glanced at Kylo who nodded once in encouragement.  
“Well, the Resistance wouldn’t know their spy was compromised.” Erin pointed at the messages. “We could feed them incorrect information the same way she had been giving them intel. We may be able track the source once they reply. At the very least we could cause some confusion.”  
Erin only hoped Poe would spread the word about Febi’s death in time for them to know not to engage in any interaction with their previous source.  
“It could be worth a try, yes.” Hux admitted reluctantly before looking at his Supreme Leader.  
“Hux, get to communications and figure out how to send them messages with the same encryptions. The rest of you are dismissed.”  
Erin got up quietly, happy to have survived the debriefing of their mission gone wrong and turned to leave the room. Once she was down the hall she could hear Aurora’s sneer quietly behind her and she turned.  
“We meet again, little Pet.” She smiled cold heartedly. “You look terrible.”  
Erin bit back the remarks she wanted to make and smiled coolly in return.    
“Aurora.”  
“You know there’s been whispers about the Supreme Leader and you at Canto Bight.”  
Erin narrowed her eyes at the woman, wisely keeping her mouth shut because of the lack of information she was really giving her. The woman studied her nails as she clicked her tongue.  
“Killing Sil Finnhall quite brutally, I’ve heard. Such a shame…the man sure was fun to be around.”  
Erin breathed in slowly through her nose, clenching her jaws together to try and keep her composure as Aurora proceeded.  
“Oh right…you weren’t too fond of the man, were you? Kylo told me your little secret. A slave girl from Tabo-kul...you've sure come a long way.” Her eyes were gleaming now as she knew she had Erin right where she wanted her. Erin frowned and balled her hands into fists at her side as it took everything in her not to attack the woman right here and now.  
“He was an enemy to the First Order. He had to be eliminated.” Erin said, her voice flat and she could see Aurora was disappointed in her reaction.  
“Now if you will excuse me, I have a training to get to.” She was lying, she had nowhere to get to, but she wanted to be anywhere else but here right now.  
  
Erin could feel the skin at her side protest against her actions as she moved. The medical droid had fixed her up quite well, but she wasn’t supposed to be training for combat for at least a couple of days. But she needed the outlet. And violence, even against a simulated target, was the only way she could calm down right now. She had tried to sleep but it was impossible, thoughts of her friends and Poe haunting her whenever she wasn’t busy. So, she came to the only sanctuary this ship provided for her, the training quarters. Maybe if she tired herself out she would be able to get some sleep. It had been the only way in the past. When the cries and fights amongst slaves at the arena’s of Tabo-kul would keep her awake. At least while fighting she could become stronger, she had been working on her survival. But it never quite drowned out the terror she had felt in the past and she wasn’t sure it was working now.  
“I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be doing that just yet.”

He had found her. Like he had many times before, Erin realized she would have to find herself another refuge if she wanted to be alone for real. She stopped moving, the simulated target mirroring her as she shot a warning glance at Kylo before moving back and continuing her training without saying a word.  
She couldn’t believe he had shared whatever he had seen in Finnhall’s mind with anyone else. Why would he be talking about her with Aurora anyway? Why were they talking at all. Erin realized there was very little she knew about Kylo Ren, and the things she kept finding out didn’t please her.    
“Erin, stop. You’re doing it again.” Kylo Ren moved into the room, he was only wearing half of his uniform, black pants and matching shirt, as if he had just woken up and had only taken the time to put on his shoes.  
She turned on him quickly, redirecting her anger from the target to him.  
“Don’t.” she shook her head. “Don’t act like you know me.”  
He raised his brows at her, taking a step back as she pushed past him to grab a cloth and rid her face of sweat.  
“You told her.” Erin crossed her arms, this time around she was the one that felt betrayed and she knew he could sense it as he became very quiet. Pondering as he seemed to choose his words carefully.  
“She questioned your abilities. I explained where your power came from..”  
“I never asked you to defend me.” Erin said coldly. “That story wasn’t yours to tell.”

“I don’t even know what the story is.” He growled, growing equally angry now at her for lashing out at him. Erin turned back to the target, readying herself to fight again. They were being childish, and she knew it but she didn’t care. He had hurt her feelings.  
“So tell me.” his voice was quiet but the words were distinct. It wasn’t a demand this time, it was an invitation. Erin sighed softly and turned again in aggravation, the target opposite her dropping its simulated arms.  
“Tell you what?” she replied. She knew what he was asking and she was buying time, she wasn’t sure she was ready to trust him like this, to open up to someone like him.  
“Why do you do that?” he moved to sit down on a low bench, making his legs look very long as he pointed at the target and gestured at her stance. Erin looked down at her hands, they were still tensed up into fists. She opened them slowly to look at her palms as she slowly let her guard down. It felt unnatural and uncomfortable and she couldn’t meet his stare because of it.  
 “I couldn’t sleep.” She started carefully, maybe if she spoke soft enough the words she would say weren’t as true as they were. Like maybe her story had never happened if she would only whispered it. She took in a shaky breath before she continued, still looking down but now at her feet. They were bare and two thin scars decorated the side of her left foot.  
“It’s the only way everything in my head stops for a moment.” She was ready to look up at him now, something in the room, a shift in energy, made her feel safe.  
He didn’t speak, he sat quietly, his hands resting on the edge of the bench he sat on. There was no judgement in his face, he was just listening. Interested. So Erin proceeded.  
“Back at Tabo-kul it was hard to shut off my survival instinct. At night it was hard to sleep so I trained myself, trying to get better so I could survive the next day.”

Kylo blinked slowly, as if he was only now seeing her truly for the first time.  
“The fighting didn’t stop at night. Everyone was put together in this hot dark space under the arena. The guards liked to gamble, make bets to see who could survive the night. Some people just lost their minds, others enjoyed killing I suppose.”  
Erin was staring at the wall but seeing the past. The Tabo-kul arenas were a savage place, established on a distant desert planet. Slaves were brought there to fight or be re-sold, most times both, as the richest and darkest creatures of the galaxy came to watch for entertainment. Bets, trades and sales were made on the strongest, the craziest or the most beautiful fighters. Slaves were often captured young and if they showed potential they were trained into warriors to be sold for better purposes, tested by fighting in the arena often till death. A very lethal auction. If they were average they were thrown into the arena for entertainment. Children were pitted against each other to build character and study their potential; the crowd had seemed to love it so much that there were even fights amongst children of merely ten years old.

“At first it was just training. They weren’t kind to say the least. But it got worse…”  
“They made you fight.” He knew they had, he had seen the scars.  
“Almost every day. Unless I was unable to stand on my feet. And those people just cheered _so loud_. As if they didn’t even realize we were real.”  
Silence.  
Erin felt nauseous thinking about the past and moved quietly to sit down next to Kylo, fiddling with her hands, squeezing them in turn until it hurt. Her entire body was tensing up, unbearable aggression building up inside her.  
“There was this little boy, he was six. And on his first day there they broke his eye socket because he had cried, and _no one cared_. There’s a darkness in that place that I’ve never seen anywhere else.”   
She didn't tell him the little boy had been Eloi, the boy that was like her little brother, the one thing that had kept her sane in that forsaken place. The one thing she had held onto at night and that had held onto the kindness in her in return. Eloi had kept her human and she had kept him safe.    
“I have killed families. Children probably.” Kylo spoke and she realized it was a confession, that he believed he was even darker than the darkness she had just described. He didn’t sound proud, she realized he wanted to see how far he could push her away until she wouldn't return. She looked at him and could see only pain and she realized he was ashamed.  
“Death is mercy compared to what those men did.”  
She didn’t forgive him for what he had done, and she knew he wasn’t asking her to. She looked down at her hands again and could feel a warm fingertip trace her jaw, just barely touching the scarred skin.  
“What’s this from?” he asked.  
“One of the guards attacked me while I was asleep. Tried to slit my throat when I fought him off. I killed him.” She looked up to meet his gaze directly, he looked at her with the slightest hint of pity. The way Poe looked at her whenever she spoke about her past. To him she would always be a rescue mission, she hated feeling that way.  
“Don’t look at me like that.” She frowned.  
“Alright.”  He said matter-of-factly and his eyes changed immediately into something else; respect. He didn’t tell her he was sorry for what had happened to her, he didn’t look at her like she was broken. He had listened. Understanding how a broken mind like theirs worked.

She could feel the heat of his body radiate against her shoulder and she felt herself shift just slightly so their arms touched, the sensation was soothing.  
“So, what’s keeping you up?” she asked, changing the subject to let him know she had done enough talking about the past. He grimaced slightly as if he didn’t want to talk about what was keeping him up at night, it made his nose wrinkle and locks of black hair fall before his eyes and he looked more human than he did Supreme Leader of The First Order. The look suited him. He turned his head to look at her, suddenly determined as he answered her question.  
“You.”


	19. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short and bitter sweet chapter before we continue on with the adventure.

“You.”

  
She knew she wasn’t supposed to feel the way she was feeling, or at least that’s what she kept telling herself. But she couldn’t deny that the look in his eyes sent a shiver up her spine that was almost electrifying. She studied the milky white of his skin and the few freckles painted across his face like stars in a galaxy only to arrive back at the intense gaze of his brown eyes.   
“I can’t stop thinking about that night.” He breathed.   
She knew exactly what night he was talking about and the good and bad things that had happened that night kept haunting her as well. His eyes shifted from her eyes to her lips and back and she held his gaze nervously now. He leaned in closer, his full lips parted and inviting, and Erin felt her cheeks burn as she quickly looked down to avoid his stare.   
“Kylo…” she whispered, a gentle warning.   
To her surprise he didn’t press the issue, his large hand simply caressed her head and rested tenderly at her neck as his thumb brushed carefully along the scar at her jaw. His hand was warm against her skin and Erin could feel her head willingly lean into his touch as she dared to look up at him again. She now felt safe enough to ask about his past. Naturally she knew what had been said about him amongst the Resistance and the First Order, but she wanted to hear his story his way. She wanted him to open up like she had.   
“Your turn.” She said quietly.   
He dropped his hand from her neck and to his side and looked away, his fingers still touching hers as their hands rested on the bench.   
  
***  
  
“Not here.” He stood up quickly, waiting for Erin to follow him as he crossed the training quarters and walked out the door.

 

The hallways of the ship were mostly quiet and empty except for a few Stormtroopers and the buzzing of the lights above them. He glanced over his shoulder to see she was still following him quietly and he was thankful. He wanted to tell her about his past the way she had done with him, hoping she would help him understand himself. He needed someone to talk to. Especially after learning that Snoke might have betrayed him just as everyone else had. He had longed for someone to confide in, someone to help show him his way. Everything inside him told him to try and confide in her, that they had connected through the Force like they had for a reason. It was as much a spiritual sensation as physical, he wanted to be near her more.   
The decision to take her to his private quarters wasn’t to convey any message or expectation, he only needed a space that felt safe. Or at least relatively so. He looked around, relieved to find no one in the hallway to his quarters and opened the door. He could see she followed him without doubt. As the door closed behind her he immediately found the words he needed to start his story.   
“Everyone knew so surely what they wanted me to be.”

He turned and watched her take in her new surroundings. His quarters were mostly dark, with large windows overlooking the skies beyond. He was extremely neat, something that had to do with his upbringing as much as his character. There was enough chaos in his mind, he couldn’t use any more in his surroundings. Her dark eyes were big as she looked around and he could see she only now realized where she was. Her cheeks changed colour again just slightly, a blushy pink that suited her honey skin and made her look more alive. As she started to walk around, curiously studying the room he continued.   
“I don’t believe I ever lived up to the expectations.” He moved to look out of his window now, he didn’t see the stars, only the past.   
“Growing up in the shadows of legends I knew I could never be. I was never enough. And the lies..” he frowned and balled his hands into fists. 

“But then Snoke found me. He valued me, _me_..not what everyone wanted me to be. They would’ve never understood. So I didn’t tell anyone and in return he taught me the true ways of the Force. It was nothing like what Skywalker made me do. He treated me like the darkness inside me was something repulsive, something that made me less than he was.” He looked back at Erin and could see her staring at him from across the room, he wished she would’ve been closer.   
“He understood me in ways I didn’t even understand myself. He saw the darkness in me and didn’t make me fight it, he made me stronger. He was there when everyone else had turned their backs on me.”

“What happened to you?” her voice was a tender whisper and Kylo closed his eyes for a moment. He knew she knew he was stalling, that he wasn’t telling her what was needed to be told.   
“I woke up one night and he was there, holding his lightsaber over my head, ready to kill me. I was just a kid…and my own family was so ashamed of me they wanted me dead.” His voice broke and he wasn’t sure if it was out of sadness or anger. The two emotions were hard to distinguish lately. Luke’s betrayal had left its scars, and they ran deeper than those on his skin. He could feel her slender fingers on the back of his hand as she now stood next to him, she slowly intertwined her fingers with his and the connection of their skin set off a different connection in the Force.   
  
***  
  
She held his hand and felt a shock of energy run through her as her vision blurred and the stars beyond the window were replaced with scenes from his mind. It happened again, like it had happened the first time but this time he wasn’t letting go, he was calm, holding her hand as he allowed her to see. She saw him chasing after his parents and he couldn’t be older than five, she could feel the loneliness as they seemed to be busy with anything but their child. Fighting and yelling as the scene changed again and she saw him older now, she could feel insecurity and angst and again that overwhelming loneliness. He had been scared of what he was and the power hiding within him that was so much bigger than his body. She could hear his name, his real name as many voices shouted it at him in anger, disappointment, shame and disgust. _Ben Solo._

She could see him traveling with Luke Skywalker, trying hard to impress the man during practise but never feeling like he was enough because of the luring darkness that crept up on him like a dark cloud. She could feel the darkness growing and seeing it change his eyes. A darkness that was always there, pressing down on his shoulders and she realized it must have been Snoke. And she could feel the internal battle that grew into a war, raging so recklessly that it had killed the boy even before he could become a man. She could see his face young and free of scars smiling the last smile he had smiled before everything went dark and it was so heartbreakingly beautiful. The Force connection was broken as he pulled back his hand and turned away from her, taking large steps to the other side of the room and disappearing into the next room. But she wasn’t letting him go like that as she quickly followed him, not even startled to see him sitting on his unmade bed with his hands tangled into his black hair, pulling at his locks in quiet frustration. She was determined not to let him feel that alone again, he needed someone to stay. To stay for him. And she would. She walked up to him in determination, overcome by intense compassion for the man in front of her. Placing her small hands over his, she slowly tugged at his hands to pull them down and from his hair. He allowed her to do so and she pulled his head closer, holding it to her chest in the most tender embrace. Tracing her fingers through his hair soothingly. She could feel his arms slip around her waist and he collapsed into the embrace like he could finally let himself go, holding onto her tightly. Erin pressed her lips to the top of his head, taking in the scent of his hair as she closed his eyes.

“It’s okay, _Ben_.”   
  
***  
  
_“It’s okay, Ben.”_   
He could feel her heart beating in her chest and against his ear. She was warm and smelled like summer in the middle of this endless winter. The way her fingers moved through his hair felt like home and the tenderness of his voice was all he had longed for ever since they had kissed, and he realized that this was enough. This embrace. This moment. _He_ was enough. At least he was to her. And as she used the name of the boy he once was he felt closer to the man he wanted to be for the first time in forever. And even though he hated the name and what it stood for, he didn’t tell her so.

“Stay. Please.” The whisper was broken and insecure, the words asking what he longed for the most.  
The question was more than just that. He wasn’t just asking her to stay right now, tonight, here in his room. But he was asking her not to give up on him. He could feel her letting go of his head and he moved to look up at her and could see a slight hint of insecurity in her eyes. He could tell she was scared and he wondered why. She nodded slowly, he moved back and rested against the pillows, pulling her close to the bed and next to him as she sat down. He had never had a woman in his quarters before, let alone in this bed. There was so much he wanted to do to her, so much he wanted to do with her but that look in her eyes made him careful. He didn’t want her to look at him like that again. She lay down next to him and they both looked up at the ceiling in silence. She was nervous and yet he felt strangely calm. Kylo moved his hand slowly over the rough linen of his sheets until his fingertips touched the back of her hand and took it in his. She turned her head, resting her small nose against his shoulder as she closed her eyes. He turned his head to look down at her, patiently watching over her as she fell asleep.


	20. Companion

_She ran up to him as he stumbled along after reporting back to General Leia. He was a mess. Curly hair tangled and dirty, blood staining his face and the look in his eyes was almost empty as she crashed into him and wrapped her arms around his waist to help hold him up. She guided him to the nearest comfortable surface and made him sit down._  
_“I’m alright.” Poe protested._  
 _“Sure, you are.” Erin replied as she started to study his injuries. Physically he seemed fine except for a few shallow injuries. But he looked absolutely drained._  
 _“What happened to you?” she asked as she got up and made him drink something. Poe grinned, his teeth looking very white against the darkness of his dirty skin._  
 _“Had a little run in with mister dark side himself.” He joked._  
 _“Not funny, Poe.” She huffed as she moved around her quarters to find something to clean him up. “We thought you weren’t coming back.” She started working at his face as she sat down on her knees next to him, he let her scrub the dirt off, wincing only slightly as she reached the cuts on his face._  
 _“What did he even do to you?” she asked._  
 _“Probed my mind. I tried to fight it but he got the info on BB-8.”_  
 _“What?”_  
 _“Hey, I tried, okay!” he replied._  
 _“I know.” Erin looked down at the bloodstained cloth in her hand and shook her head. “We should have had infiltrated that place already. Anyone that could stop them from finding that map.”_  
 _“We can’t do that to our people.” Poe rolled his eyes as she pressed the matter again._  
 _“I don’t care, we need to do something. We need to do more than just blow stuff up and hope it hits them where it hurts.” She frowned and Poe got up suddenly, shrugging her off as she tried to make him sit down again._  
 _“We’re making a change, Erin. You might not like the way we’re doing it but we’re actually out there helping the Resistance!” his voice was raised now. She shook her head._  
 _“And killing our best pilots in the process? Great job.” He hated when she was sarcastic in a fight._  
 _“Yeah, well what would you have me do? What would you have Leia do, huh?”_  
 _“We’re being soft!” Erin shouted back now. “All our allies know it, it’s why they’re not willing to help us out. They’re looking for safety. And we can’t offer them that!”_  
 _“Not this again..” he groaned. Poe had a very idealistic vision for the Resistance. One that wasn’t realistic to Erin anymore. She had once believed him but now she felt like they needed to use the powers that had been given to them, no matter the cost. They had to stand together with their allies, offer them whatever they wanted to get their support. Even if it meant compromising on things that were important to them._  
 _“You want us to be like them? Torture human beings during interrogation?” Poe’s tone was furious, he wasn’t himself something about what happened had made him come back darker. Or at least he seemed to be right now._  
 _“If that’s what it takes for us to win this war.” She replied, confident even though she knew he’d disagree with her. It was what she believed in. He looked at her in disappointment, shaking his head as he backed away from her._  
 _“I can’t believe you’d be willing to do something like that.”_  
 _“I can’t believe you’re not!” she was just as livid now. The world simply wasn’t a happy place like he kept believing it was._  
 _“If we do what you’re suggesting to do, we’re not any better than them.” He turned to walk away._  
 _“Which might be why we keep losing.” She sneered._  
 _Poe turned now and rushed back to her, his face mere inches from hers as he angrily pointing angrily in the air to make the point of his story clear._  
 _“You want to be like him? Go ahead! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” He was being mean now._  
 _“What’s that supposed to mean?” she said more quietly, hurt by his words. She could see a hint of guilt in his eyes but it was soon overtaken by his anger again._  
 _“Well it’s nothing you haven’t done before.”_

_That was low and he knew it. Dragging her past into it was something he had not done before.  
“Oh right, because I’m a killer and you’re not right?” she recoiled. _

_The look in his eyes changed and said it all, he had gone too far and he knew it._  
 _“Just go.” She said, her voice like ice._  
 _“Fine.” And his voice was like fire. They were opposites like that once again._  
  
***  


He woke to her stirring next to him and he could sense the unfamiliar movement almost made him sit up and reach for his lightsaber. He was used to being alert like that, not to waking up next to someone else. He relaxed slight as he looked down at her. He had covered her under the sheets to make sure she wouldn’t be cold but they were pushed down to her waist now. Her chest was heaving and her face looked strained. She was dreaming, he realized. He propped himself up just slightly to look at her and he wondered what she was dreaming about. It would be easy to enter her mind like he had done before, to see exactly what was haunting her. For a moment he felt tempted to do so, _it would just be so easy_. He reached out his hands, opening himself up to the Force as he did. Before he entered her mind, he could sense her emotions as if they were his own. She was emitting them now that her guard was down, and his power made it easy for him to feel them clearly. She was hurting, he was taken aback about how it made him feel. He wanted to stop it from happening and instead of probing her mind he moved his hand to her cheek to caress her skin gently. The way she woke mirrored his. Instantly and on edge, her eyes shot open and her hand immediately folded tightly around his wrist, pushing him back. He tensed as he studied her movements and face, impressed at the reflexes, she was getting stronger he realized. As she looked up and into his eyes she seemed to relax, but not entirely.  
“What are you doing?” she asked suspiciously. He couldn’t blame her, he would’ve read her mind if his own emotions hadn’t gotten in the way.  
“You were dreaming.” He said.  
The sweat on her forehead gave her away, she couldn’t lie her way out of this and she didn’t. In her sleep her hair had escaped from the neat bun and as she sat up it fell around her face. The sight of her like this seemed intimate to him.  She moved her hands through her hair and pulled it to one side of her neck before looking back at him. He could see she was still haunted by whatever had happened in her nightmare and he carefully put his hand on her back, wanting to comfort her but unsure of how he could do it. She changed the subject as her eyes took in the scene, he was lying atop the covers. Taking advantage of the moment to get under the covers and close to her had crossed his mind the night before, but something in him told him to take things slow.    
“How long have you been awake?” she asked and there was still slight suspicion in her voice.

He shook his head slowly. “Not long.”

He got up and out of the bed quickly now, moving into the usual routine of his mornings as if nothing had changed. He took off his shirt to replace it with a fresh one, moving to reach for his robes.  
“Are you ready to continue your training today? No combat.” The last two words were uttered sternly, he didn’t want her to damage her body any further than she already had the night before.

He heard her move behind him and looked over his shoulder. She had gotten out of bed and pulled her hair up in a long ponytail. Just like that the dream that had been them together in comfort, faded before his eyes. Seemed like they were both unsure how to act after what had happened.

She nodded, and her eyes seemed to shine in excitement, she wanted to learn. And he wanted to teach her anything he knew, to see her grow stronger because of it.  
“What did you have in mind?” she asked.  
  
***  
  
  
As she followed him down the halls she stared at his back. He was now wrapped in his usual robes, but the sight of his bare skin could not be unseen. She knew now that under all that black fabric were strong shoulders and scarred snow-white skin. His breakdown had softened her towards him, and she found it difficult to act like she had around him now that she had seen a part of him no one on the ship had. She found herself watching him in awe, intrigued by the way he walked and moved. He was like a mirror, she recognized the struggle with the dark in him like it was her own. He was a mystery slowly unravelling in front of her as she peeled back the layers that he held up like walls around his true self. And which each layer her compassion for him developed, her understanding grew. And it scared her.

Erin followed Kylo quietly, leaving some distance in between them as she walked behind him, assuming it was the respectful thing to do. When he slowed, she slowed too. When he stopped, she stopped as well. She noticed he was frowning slightly before he started to speak.  
He hardly ever spoke to her as publicly as this, he was usually quiet and broody.  
“Your natural connection with the Force seems to differ from mine. But I want to see if I can teach you more.”

She noticed he walked next to her now, and the slight difference in demeanour made her feel respected. She could tell others noticed as well, hardly anyone -except for General Hux, _maybe_ \- got to walk next to the Supreme Leader. Everyone just always _followed_ behind him.  
“More, sir?” she asked.  
“Telekinesis.” He almost seemed amused as he met her astonished gaze before entering a room Erin had not yet seen before.  
“Sit.” He gestured to the middle of the empty room, there was nothing there except for a small black cushion. Erin felt strangely vulnerable as she walked to the middle of the room and sat down, crossing her legs as she turned to watch Kylo over her shoulder.  
“Stop worrying so much.” He said as he closed the door. The wall was lined with windows, she was unsure why he would even bother to close the door.

“Well I’ve never done anything like this before.” She replied.  
“All the more reason to try it.” He said sternly. “You might succeed.”

It was now Erin’s turn to frown as she watched him walk, he came to a halt before her, keeping his distance while he crossed his arms.  
“Why are you teaching me all this?” she asked, and she realized it was the first time she had asked any questions at all about him training her. He seemed to be offended by her question, his eyes narrowing just slightly but he remained calm.  
“Why do you think I am teaching you the ways of the Force?” he answered her question with yet another question, making Erin cautious. She pondered her reply before speaking.  
“Because it can make me a valuable weapon. I’d be a stronger warrior.”

He seemed to consider her answer for a moment before he spoke, sounding very serious. Almost like a teacher.  
“True.” He admitted, and something about his behaviour changed now that they were talking strategies.   

“It _will_ make you a strong warrior. But that’s not why I’m teaching you.”

Erin cocked her head slightly, feeling uncomfortable seated in front of him while he was standing.

“I don’t want you to _just_ be a warrior. You’re not just a _weapon_ to me. When the time comes, I want you to stand with me. I need a companion in all of this.”

She knew he was talking strategically. He was talking war. But something in his eyes made it feel like he was proposing something more than just that. Like he was looking for an equal in life.  She wasn’t sure she’d ever be close to the kind of Force user he was, if she would ever be as strong. But she realized that if it was what he needed to keep him from losing himself to the dark she’d do anything to become it. If it would help him feel less alone, she’d train until she couldn’t anymore. Even if it meant becoming only half as strong as he was. She nodded once but fiercely, and the question in his eyes turned into determination.  
“Let’s get started.” He said. And for the first time since they met, he grinned. The sight resembled a smile just enough for her to feel butterflies in her stomach, and she realized she was already too far gone to return.


	21. Rogue

Training wasn’t easy this time around. Telekinesis didn’t come natural to her it had seemed, and she struggled to focus the right way for her to even lift a simple stone. She wondered if she’d ever be able to master the trait. She kept trying though for days until she would reach a point of frustration and she refused to try again, thinking her attempts were futile at this point.  
To increase her frustration, Kylo Ren had barely been around for days, leaving her to practise on her own. The only motivation she had was wanting to show him progress once he returned to check on her that night, but he didn’t. She hadn’t heard from him in two days now.

The nightmares about Poe and her friends persisted, like he was the face and voice of her conscience, warning her not to follow Kylo too deep in the dark. Kylo Ren’s absence made her miss her old life and her friends and training alone like this made her feel lonely and purposeless. She felt like she couldn’t be doing her job without him around, like she wasn’t useful to the Resistance by merely growing stronger herself.  

 

She had given up on her training for the day and was now sitting in the common area while she quietly ate her dinner. Stormtroopers and officers alike seemed restless, busy murmurs buzzing through the space around her. She tried to make out the words, but their voices were hushed. Of course, they were, this was the First Order. They were supposed to be disciplined and orderly, there was hardly any room left to act social. So the whispers made her feel anxious, on edge as she watched the masked men in uniforms hunched of to keep their conversations private. She looked down at her plate as she tried to focus and listen. She could only make out fragments of conversations.  
“I heard it’s just a small operation. I don’t think we need to worry.”  
“In two days?”  
“I heard they were already gone.”  
“The Supreme Leader himself?”  
“He’s not the same ever since Crait.”  
“Will we win?”  
There was something going on. And Erin wasn’t planning on waiting to be told what it was as she got up immediately and walked up to one of the Stormtroopers on the others side of the long table.  
“What operation are you talking about?” she demanded, and the white trooper mask looked up at her. While she had no official title ever since her promotion, they both knew she outranked him and so he answered immediately.   
“It’s classified, ma’am.”  
She moved closer to him threateningly, she wouldn’t fight him openly but that didn’t mean she couldn’t get what she wanted from him in different ways.  
“Then how would you know about it.” She rolled her eyes briefly before using the Force to make him talk. She was too impatient to do it any other way and it wouldn’t hurt if they knew what she was capable of around here. No one had told her to keep it a secret.  
“Tell me what you know.” She hissed.  
“General Hux ordered a reconnaissance mission to Moar. They suspect hostile activity there. It is said that the Supreme Leader left for Moar two days ago with a small squad.”  
“Moar? They’re allies, why would they suspect hostile activity…” Erin was thinking out loud, voicing her confusion.

“It is said there are reasons to believe remains of the New Republic have fled to Moar, ma’am.”

After the Hosnian Cataclysm it was believed that the New Republic, or at least the most important part of it, was destroyed. It would be nearly impossible to come back from an attack like that, but the words the Stormtrooper spoke sparked a hope inside her that things might be turning around for the Resistance. That there might still be hope out there, if all remaining forces would just work together. Erin was almost relieved at this news but soon realized she shouldn’t be in her current role. And the more she thought about it, the easier it was to become worried. If Kylo Ren had really gone on a mission to supposed and unpredictable enemy territory he could be in danger. She needed to know what was going on. And why he would be stupid enough to go on a recon mission himself.

 

She ran down the hallways to get to the bridge as quickly as possible. Anger filled her as she wondered why Kylo had not mentioned anything about his plans of going to Moar, or the suspicions of hostile activity at a planet that was supposed to be their ally. She realized the information could be valuable, making a mental note to try and share this with the Resistance as soon as possible.  
She reached the bridge only to find a closed door flanked by Stormtroopers, she didn’t hesitate as she tricked them into letting her through the doors only to find General Hux turning to look at her in aggravation.  
“Agarun, what do you think you’re doing?” his voice was like poison, he never did forgive her for agreeing to work for their Supreme Leader.  
“What’s this mission to Moar I’m hearing about?” she was no longer scared of him after all she had been taught by Kylo. And besides that she knew that whoever might dare to try and hurt her would pay the price, at her hand or Kylo’s.  
“Excuse me?” Hux’ replied furiously.  
Everyone working at the bridge was looking at them now and Erin couldn’t care less. She could sense something was going on and she wanted to be a part of it.  
“Moar. Is it true? Is the Supreme Leader on a recon mission?”  
Hux grinned now, the sight was menacing as he clasped his hands behind his back, regaining his composure.   He cockes his head slightly before whispering for only her to hear.  
“I thought you two were as thick as thieves. But I see he didn’t tell you about his plans.”  
His voice was a challenge and she was willing to take it. Hux still saw her as a simple assassin, but she had grown since working for him, in strength and strategic insight. She looked into his eyes and she could read him like a book. He was insecure and anxious, as if he was waiting to get caught.  
“You mean _your plans_ , General?”  
“In my office, _now_.” He hissed. Erin followed him quietly, glancing around the bridge only to notice that no one seemed to be busy while there was supposed to be a mission at hand.  
  
Hux’ office was extremely tidy, with windows overlooking the bridge. He turned immediately after the door closed behind her.  
“I don’t know who you think you are, but some plans are discussed between the Supreme Leader and myself _only_. Now you may think that your recent promotion means you can undermine my authority, but I can assure you, you are mistaken.”  
“Why aren’t we monitoring the mission?” Erin had not listened to a word Hux had said, her intuition was leading the way. She was looking out of the window, studying the staff at the bridge and none of their screens showed any information besides their current location and course.   
“I’m sure the Supreme Leader knows what he’s doing.” He said.

“It wouldn’t be the first Supreme Leader you’ve lost now would it, General?” Erin was skating on thin ice now, but Hux’ compliment on the competence of Kylo had only spiked her suspicions. It wouldn’t be the first time Hux had made an attempt to harm him, in fact the very act had brought her where she was at today. She now wondered if the attack on their mission to Kozobolis might have been deliberate as well.  
“Careful, Agarun. You’re beginning to sound just like him.” He warned her.

Erin was done playing games and although she knew she was being reckless she couldn’t help but try out her latest talents on the General as her eyes met his in an intense gaze.

“Who’s with him?”    
“The Supreme Leader insisted on a small squad. Five Stormtroopers.”  
“How big is the estimated threat?” she asked.  
“If my information was correct a small fraction of the New Republic may have survived our attack on the Hosnian system. In fact we believe they were out on trading missions during the attack.”  
“How big, Hux?” she pressed.  
“It might be bigger than I led him to believe.” Hux’ face was blank, no emotion to be found as he spoke the words that were enough for Erin to worry about the safety of their Supreme Leader. Surely Kylo Ren was a fierce and skilled warrior, but he was also proud and arrogant. His emotional instability had once again proven that he could recklessly leap into danger without thinking.  
“And you didn’t think to share this information with the Supreme Leader?” she hissed.  
“Oh I shared it with him, maybe just not the numbers..”

He was seriously pissing her off now. Their little quarrel was taking on grave forms now that Hux had intentionally misinformed their commander.  
“When were they supposed to be back?”  
“Eight hours ago.”

She could see some kind of recognition in his eyes and she knew he knew there had been a power awakened in her. A power that indeed made her more like Kylo Ren than like Hux, and it seemed to scare him as he realized the information he had given her was not acquired voluntarily.  
“How?” he stuttered as she let him go from the power of the Force.

She didn’t answer his question.

“You need to give me the exact location of his ship, and we are going to monitor the mission to make sure our Supreme Leader gets back safe, General.”

He moved closer to her, holding a finger up in her face threateningly.  
“You’re nothing here, do you hear me? I could have you put in a holding cell.”  
It was a serious warning but Erin didn’t feel scared. Her main concern was finding out if Kylo really was in danger like they had been that time at Kozobolis. And Hux not wanting to cooperate was enough proof to know that something could be very wrong. This was not standard procedure, he was supposed to know and care where their Supreme Leader was at all times. When she didn’t respond he continued.  
“You need to stop this nonsense right now, Agarun.”

“Try me.” She said, her tone unfazed as she turned and stormed out of his office out to find the one woman that might help her against all odds.

 

 

Aurora Ren was a hard woman to find when she didn’t want to be found. And however daunting she might be to Erin, she realized that Aurora’s feelings toward Kylo were her best chance of getting help for now. Hux had been partially right, Erin was nothing amongst the higher ranks of the First Order. She had absolutely no access to anything, no security codes that could get her the information she needed. She needed help of someone who did.

The door to Aurora’s private quarters was closed but she had been told this was where she’d find the woman, Erin knocked on the cold matte metal impatiently.

  
No one answered the door.

  
Erin knocked again, a little harder this time and as her hand was mid-air the door slid open with a mechanical hiss and Aurora was standing before her. Her eyes furious, her silvery hair pulled back into a tight braid making her look even more dangerous.   
“ _What_ do you want?” she hissed irritably and if she was surprised to see Erin she sure didn’t show it. Erin decided it was best to be direct as she stood tall and spoke clearly.

“I need your help.”

This put a smile on the woman’s face but the expression was far from kind as she leaned against the door opening.  
“Well, well, little pet. And what makes you think I’m willing to help you?” her voice was malicious and cold as ice, but there was a hint of curiosity in it. Aurora seemed to realize Erin was vulnerable, and this intrigued her as it made her feel stronger. Erin didn’t care too much about being vulnerable at this point. Surely a new enemy to the First Order would mean the Resistance could grow stronger, but Erin wasn’t willing to lose Kylo in the process. She wanted to save both the Resistance and Kylo, and if it jeopardized her own comfort she couldn’t care less.

“It’s Kylo.” She just said. The name alone made one of Aurora’s brows rise in attention.

“I believe he might be in danger.” Erin continued and this cause Aurora to step outside and pull her into her room. Erin walked into the room, studying her surroundings. The room was quite similar to Kylo’s, but less tidy. Way more spacious than her own quarters though.  
“Speak.” Aurora said impatiently as she leaned back against the closed door and crossed her arms. Erin turned to face her and took a deep breath.

“I think Hux might’ve send him into a similar situation to Kozobolis. Except this time he went alone.”

“What makes you think Hux would do something like that?”

“Because he confessed to have misinformed him.”

“He confessed?” Aurora laughed cold heartedly at this. “Why would he _confess_ such a thing to you?”

Erin couldn’t exactly blame her for being suspicious or unimpressed. They hardly knew each other.  
“I have my ways.” Erin recoiled darkly, she wasn’t up for playing games right now. Everything inside her screamed that something was wrong.

“Look, you’re either helping me help Kylo, or you’re not. I’m pretty sure Hux wants to lock me in some holding cell so I need to know _right now_ or I’m doing this on my own.”  

This made the expression on Aurora’s face change, her featured softened slightly as she took in the girl standing in front of her. She studied her in silence for a long time before she spoke.  
“You’d go rogue for him?” Aurora moved now, walking up closer to Erin who suddenly felt strangely exposed.

“I’m loyal to our Supreme Leader, not to Hux.”

The answer made Aurora grin like she was onto a secret, but her eyes told a different story. One of jealousy and disdain. In the end her feelings toward Kylo seemed to make her cave.  
“Fine. Tell me what you know.” She rolled her eyes, downplaying the situation as the two women decided to join forces. Erin told her exactly what she overheard during dinner and then explained what had happened with Hux.  
“I’m still not sure how you know something is wrong..he might just be onto something.” Aurora was serious now, but Erin couldn’t stand that she seemed to be the only one with a sense of urgency on the matter. Her entire body anxious as something in her mind told her to do something, _anything_. Were her emotions playing tricks on her.  
“Do you have any way to get into mission logs?” Erin ignored the question. “If we can just see where he is…I mean they’re not even _communicating_ , Aurora.”

Aurora rolled her eyes again and Erin was starting to see this was a nasty habit. Without saying anything Aurora walked up to a desk on the other side of the room, pulling up a screen as she started typing away at it.

“You’re a strange one, little pet.” She murmured as her eyes scanned the screen. Erin walked up to her and stared at the screen over her shoulder, desperate to find any information she could make sense of. She felt strangely like her old self, the way she had been with the resistance, confident and motivated to do the right thing. She just knew her instinct were right on this.  
“He left two days ago with five Stormtroopers and was supposed to return eight hours ago. I’m sure the mission would be classified, can you access those logs with your security code?” Erin stood closer now, pointing at the screen as Aurora impatiently followed her lead.  

There was loud knocking at the door now and the women could hear several Stormtroopers call out Erin’s name along with some threats. Erin cursed under her breath and focussed on the screen again.  
“You weren’t kidding about Hux wanting to lock you up, huh?” Aurora asked, glancing back at the door.  
“Apparently not.” Erin’s eyes scanned the screen for anything that might give them a lead on where Kylo was and why he wasn’t back yet. But truthfully she could hardly make sense out of the information on the screen, and the loud banging on the door sure wasn’t helping her concentrate.

“You know, they’ll overwrite my codes soon and open the door..” Aurora said, something in her voice seemed pleased. Erin hoped she had not taken a leap of faith on her for nothing. She could already hear the automated lock on the door beep and she knew time was up.

“Please find out where he is, Aurora.” She pleaded with the woman before the troopers stormed in and grabbed her violently. Erin struggled automatically but kept her eyes fixed on Aurora, who quickly shut down the screen and took a step back. She looked so nonchalant as she crossed her arms again and watched the scene play out.  
“General Hux has ordered your capture.”

“Fine! Fine…” Erin struggled once more and realized any attempt to do so would be futile, she would only get herself into more trouble. She met Aurora’s gaze once more and even though the woman pretended not to care less about what was happening in front of her she hoped her faith in her wouldn’t be in vain.  
“Just stun her before she causes any trouble.” She heard and before she could make sure Aurora would carry on with their mission everything turned black.  
 

 

 _He was there in her dream. Just faintly, like he was hidden by fog or maybe just semi-transparent. She couldn’t quite make up which one it was. It was cold and dark and all she could see clearly was his face. It had been leaning back, resting against something she couldn’t see before he seemed to notice her. He tilted his head to meet her gaze, his eyes looking at her questioningly._  
“Why did you go?” she heard her own voice and speaking felt strangely real.  
He blinked slowly, the gesture made him look tired and he turned his head like he had just decided she wasn’t there.  
“Kylo?” she asked.

_“You’re not real.” He mumbled, the sound barely audible as he kept his head turned._

_“Kylo, look at me.”_

_No response, the man simply closed his eyes in pure exhaustion._  
“Kylo!”  
Nothing. 

_And so she tried something else, something that scared her but felt like the right way to reach him._

_“Ben…”_

_This caught his attention and he immediately turned his head, his eyes narrowed and dark as he stared at her._

_“It’s you.” He said, and an invisible weight seemed to fall off his shoulders as he shifted slightly as if wanting to move closer. But he was unable to move, Erin was left wondering why as all she could see was his face, no matter how hard she tried to focus on the rest of him._  
“It’s me.” She replied while she tried to move closer herself, but it felt as if her feet were locked into something thick and heavy. As she looked down she couldn’t see her own body, only darkness. She looked back up at him and felt herself panic.  
“Are you okay?” she asked and her voice broke slightly. He looked at her again with those tired eyes, his eyelids heavy as he shook his head. 

_“I’m stuck.”_  
This turned her panic into desperation, only feeding the feeling that something was wrong. She wasn’t sure if this was a dream, but the connection she felt in this state was strong and seemed so real. She could feel him fading, she could feel this way of communication fading with him.  
“Where are you?!” she hurried to ask, the question made him open his eyes again just slightly. “Tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.” 

_And just like that he faded before her eyes, leaving her alone with the darkness._  
  
She gasped and shot up as she woke.  Her entire body hurt after being stunned and thrown into a holding cell. The light of the cell blinding her as she rubbed her face to wake herself up. She had seen him. She had really seen him, she was sure of it. She wasn’t sure how it had been possible, but it was him. And he was stuck somewhere, just like she was stuck right here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back in action! After some more emotional chapters the adventure continues and the rivalry between Hux and Kylo begins to take darker forms. I'm quite excited to bring conflicting characters together in this chapter. What do you think?


	22. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking a little longer to update this time around. Things have been hectic at work but in the meantime I've been working hard on this chapter and I'm very excited to share it with you. I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment or left kudos, you're the best!

The Stormtroopers guarding her cell were instructed to stun her whenever she woke. She realized General Hux must’ve been scared enough of her power of the Force to keep her unconscious. He didn’t show his face, no one did, and Erin was unsure how much time passed between her short conscious moments and the time she was asleep. It was hard to tell from where she was.   
  
She woke up for what she remembered to be the sixth time and this time she kept her eyes shut, pretending to still be asleep. If she ever wanted to help Kylo, she needed to be conscious to do it. She was laying on her side and her head hurt where it touched the cold metal floor. It was so tempting to open her eyes and ask if there was any information on the Supreme Leader, but she was sure she’d only get stunned again in return. She took in a deep breath and tried to calm herself as she shifted silently to make herself more comfortable. If only she’d been able to master the telekinesis already, she might’ve been able to open the door and escape. She decided to give it a try, but her body seemed too tired to even get close to the concentration she’d need to move anything with her mind. The memory of what Kylo had looked like in her dream haunted her. His face so exhausted as if he was on the brink of giving up, she had never seen the man like that. She suddenly remembered the feeling of his hand cupping her face and she could almost feel the heat of his skin, she feared she might never feel it again if she didn’t do something.

 

***  


He held on to the thought of her face because it had been the only thing that had made him feel anything else but hatred in his darkest times.

 

He knew he wasn’t supposed to care this much about something other than his destiny, but ever since the death of his father his ambitions kept shifting. What once had been a clear goal, a goal that Snoke would help him reach, was now a blurry vision. Everything he thought would make him stronger had failed him, throwing him deeper into desperation.

She had made him feel something again. Something so human and unpredictable it made him feel alive. She didn’t look at him like he was broken or evil, the look in her eyes when she looked at him was a different challenge every day. And in her he saw something just as raw and raging as he could feel roaring in himself.    
  
He drifted in and out of consciousness. His hand still pressed tight to his body where a metal shard pierced his side. He knew that if it was removed the bleeding would likely kill him if untreated. He still hadn’t mustered the courage to think of a plan to get out of the crashed spaceship. The bodies of the Stormtroopers surrounded him, he could count only four, one of them was missing and he wondered if they had deserted him. He realized he had made a mistake in coming here heedlessly. His recklessness had gotten the better of him and he wondered if he would get out of it alive this time.   
  
***  
  
She could swear she felt someone shake her, but she was unsure if she should open her eyes. If she did she’d only get stunned into unconsciousness again, so why bother?

The grip on her shoulder tightened and the shaking got rougher as she heard an annoyed voice hiss at her.

“Won’t you wake up already.”   
Erin’s eyes fluttered open and adjusted to the light to see a familiar face hovering over her. Her golden hair framing her face, making her look like an evil angel as she rolled her eyes.

“Finally.”

“Aurora?” Erin propped herself up and was surprised to find Aurora helping her sit up.

“Here. Wear this.”  
Aurora threw some type of cape at her, Erin pulled the cloth around her.  
“We don’t have much time. How good of a pilot are you?”

Erin rubbed her forehead where it hurt from lying on the floor for so long and tried to take in Aurora’s words. She felt dizzy and her ears were buzzing as she looked at the woman dazedly. It felt uncomfortable as Aurora moved to help her up, her legs shaking as she stood and looked around to see if there were any guards around.

“Focus, little pet. Can you fly?” Aurora snapped her fingers in front of her face and Erin looked at her again, trying to focus on her face now.

“Yes.” She answered. She wasn’t the best pilot, not like Poe, but she could fly. She just wasn’t sure if she was in the best shape to do so.

“I know where he is..” Aurora said, and there was a strange emotion audible in her voice. Erin finally found the strength to focus and felt her heart skip a beat at this news. Aurora had found him.

“Where is he?” Erin grabbed both Aurora’s arms tightly, looking into the woman’s eyes anxiously. “Was there any communication possible?”   
Aurora frowned slightly, cocking her head as she looked at Erin curiously before shaking her head.   
“No communication.”

“We need to get to him before it’s too late. He’s hurt.” Erin said as she noticed Aurora had left the door open behind her she started walking. She felt Aurora pull at her arm and turned angrily, snarling at the woman that had just helped her escape.

“Let me go.”

“You walk out there Hux is just going to get you locked up again.” Aurora snapped. “How do you know he’s hurt?”

Erin didn’t answer, unsure if the way they communication was even normal in Force sensitives or if it had been a dream after all.

“You saw him…” it wasn’t a question. Aurora let go of her arm and stared at her, a hint of jealousy in her eyes. “I’ve only heard about the Force like that in stories.”

Erin didn’t want to go into detail about what had happened between Kylo and her through the Force. She wasn’t willing to share those intimate moments with anyone, let alone the girl that would hate her for it. So she returned to her distant professional manners, knowing she wasn’t fooling Aurora nor herself.

“The Supreme Leader needs our help.” She reminded the woman and she pulled at the hood of the robes Aurora had brought her to hide most of her face.

“Can you fly a shuttle?” Aurora asked again.   
“I can try.” Erin’s joke didn’t quite register with the woman as she started to walk fast, expecting her to follow. Erin felt nauseous and weak from the number of stuns and the lack of food or water, but she managed to keep up with Aurora as they moved through the halls.

“If Hux finds out you’re out he will do anything to find you.” Aurora’s voice had changed into an urgent whisper.

“I will make sure to distract him to keep him from the bridge while you take the shuttle I prepared. You can find the co-ordinates and charts in the navigation system. You will have to be quick.” Aurora’s voice was deeper and more serious now as she paused and looked back at Erin with a look that seemed to display something that resembled concern.   
“You do understand that if you don’t bring him back you won’t be able to come back either?”

Aurora was right, if Erin didn’t bring back their commander she’d be fair game for Hux as he’d most likely be next in line, and her betrayal wouldn’t sit well with him at all.

“I know.”

They were headed toward one of the hangars and Erin kept her head low, avoiding any eye contact as she pulled the hood lower to hide her face. She wondered if Aurora cared if she lived or died or just hoped she would bring back Kylo. Either way she was grateful for the woman’s help.

Aurora opened a sliding door and let Erin pass into the hangar, quickly closing the door behind them.

“I must say, little pet. I admire your dedication.” Aurora looked at her and Erin felt strangely uncomfortable, the comment wasn’t unfriendly, but Aurora’s demeanour wasn’t exactly too friendly as she spoke.

“Try not to get killed this time.” She said as she pointed out the shuttle that she had readied for Erin.   
“I’ll bring him back, Aurora.” Erin knew Aurora was behaving this way because she was worried, she might not like to admit it, but Aurora cared about Kylo. And caring about someone at the First Order meant you were vulnerable, something none of them could afford. Aurora turned quickly and headed out the hangar to the bridge, making sure Erin could leave without being noticed, or at least to buy enough time for her to get away.

 

Erin felt extremely nervous as she sat in the cockpit of the shuttle. The vehicle was bigger than anything she had flown before and she still felt dizzy. She pulled her hair up and secured it, waited a few moments to make sure Aurora could have made her way to the bridge and then started the engines. The mechanics of the ship weren’t that much different from smaller starships like TIE fighters, but controlling a bigger vehicle was a little more challenging. It was like you needed to figure out how big your body was and how exactly you needed to move it without bumping into everything. It took a few moments for her to get the hang of it and she was sure she had damaged parts of the ship by bumping into others, she could feel sweat drip down her back as she concentrated on moving the shuttle out of the hangar. Her heart was beating so fast she could feel its beat in her ears and her hands were shaking. If she could only get out and jump to light speed she’d be good. She could hear shots beings fired at her from the hangar, but it was nothing the shuttle couldn’t take. As long as Aurora kept Hux distracted at the bridge she’d be able to get out of there. No one would be allowed to take action without Hux’ command. She quickly thrusted the shuttle forward and laughed nervously as she was out and in space. She glanced back quickly and saw no suspicious activity, moving her trembling hands to direct the shuttle into hyperspace, hoping Aurora had provided her with the right co-ordinates.

 

Erin knew almost nothing of Moar. She knew the planet and its inhabitants were supposed to be allies to the First Order, the natives were an alien species she had never seen before and that was all she knew. She felt very unprepared which made her nervous, she didn’t like improvising at this scale. She realized she had no idea what she was doing, trusting entirely on Aurora’s information. Her body wouldn’t stop trembling and the nauseating feeling in her stomach was almost overwhelming. She was completely terrified. What was she going to do if she got ambushed? What would she do if she would find the Supreme Leader dead? What would she do if she got caught? She was taking a big risk, playing with her life, but she couldn’t imagine doing anything else at this point. The journey seemed to take forever and being by herself didn’t help to calm her nerves. Erin could use a friend right now, or at least someone to talk to, but the ship was silent except for the humming of the lights and the buzzing of the vehicle traveling through hyperspace. She closed her eyes for a moment and imagined her friends and what they would do if they were with her.

She imagined Poe would take over as pilot, always unable to sit back whenever something needed to happen. She imagined his determined grin and the way he could always make you believe everything would be alright even if the odds were against you.   
She imagined Emma, her best girlfriend, fluttering around the cockpit like a nervous butterfly joking to make everyone feel better. She hated when no one smiled.

And Eloi. Little Eloi. She was unsure what to imagine since he must’ve grown so much since she last saw him. He had come a long way from the six-year-old with a broken socket. Most people at the Resistance had mistaken them for siblings since they looked so much alike. His brown eyes slightly lighter than hers, like amber. He had been so mad at her for leaving, she wondered if he’d forgive her if they would meet again.

And she imagined _him_. She imagined him amongst her friends and even though she knew it was a dangerous and desperate thing to hope for, the thought of all of them together gave her strength. In her mind he looked like he belonged right there between them. She imagined him smiling, with the people she loved most. The smile was that of the boy she had seen in his mind. She wondered if she would ever see it in real life.

 

Luck was finally on her side as it was night-time when she arrived at Moar, making the dark ship hardly noticeable in the dark of night. It was surprisingly quiet as Erin landed the shuttle clumsily near the co-ordinates Aurora had provided her with. Surely if they hadn’t found her right away they would soon enough, she didn’t have much time. She hurried, grabbing a few things she might need, stuffing them away in the robes Aurora had given her and left the shuttle behind. She took out a portable scanner to see if it detected any life forms in the area as she mapped out the co-ordinates where Kylo’s ship should be. She hoped it also meant he would still be there. Moar was cold at night and Erin pulled the black robes tighter around her, covering her head to keep the cold wind from biting at her cheeks. She glanced back at the shuttle in the distance, she had tried to leave it somewhere out of sight, damaging the right flank in the process, it wasn’t pretty but it would still work fine. Moar was rocky and uneven, the sharp rocks making it difficult to walk as quickly as Erin had wanted to. She was walking alongside a cliff and could hear waves crash into the rocks below. There were five moons surrounding Moar and the silvery moonlight was enough to see where she was going. She kept walking until she saw it in the distance, a First Order scout vessel. It had crashed and was stuck in between a slit in the rocks, the back of it balancing over the cliff. There was no sign of life, no lights, no sound, nothing but the wind and the waves below. Erin’s heart skipped a beat as she started to run, hurting her ankles on the sharp rocks as she stumbled to the ship. As she got to the vessel the door was shut, she violently knocked on the metal with her fists but there was no response. She impatiently tried to open the hatch, but the system seemed to have short circuited. She groaned in frustration and took out the blaster Aurora had left for her on the shuttle, taking a step back as she pointed it at the hatch. She aimed at the same place over and over until the hatch opened with a loud hiss and a soft groan.  She was breathing unevenly, her heart beating painfully fast as she kept the blaster in her hand and moved into the vessel. It was dark and she stumbled over something heavy. She looked down to find the body of one of the Stormtroopers. She took off his mask to make sure he wasn’t alive and was surprised to see a woman behind it. Blood ran from her nose and ears and her eyes were wide open and lifeless. There was a shuffling sound behind her and Erin turned quickly, holding the blaster up with both hands as she peered into the dark, moving forward slowly. She waited for her eyes to adjust to the dark and when they did her heart sunk. Kylo Ren wasn’t moving, his eyes closed as she found him half lying half sitting, literally pinned against the side of the ship. She dropped the blaster and hurried toward him, tripping over debris as the vessel was stuck sideways in the rocks. Erin fell to her knees at his side and her eyes immediately saw the metal that was sticking out from his abdomen. Her hands trembled as she automatically wanted to press at the wound to keep it from bleeding, assessing him in the process. He wasn’t moving. He was entirely quiet, the wound looked ugly with dried blood and ripped skin tissue. Erin could feel tears well up in her eyes as panic took over and her entire body started to shake. She wiped her cheeks and felt his blood stain her face but her only concern now was making sure he was alive. She took his face in her hands and started to pat his cheeks. He was so cold.

“Kylo wake up, it’s me. I’m here.” He wasn’t responding but Erin was relieved to see the slight rise and fall of his chest. He was breathing.   

“Please wake up.” She collapsed next to him, resting her forehead against the side of his as she begged him to wake up. This wasn’t how this was supposed to end. She looked back up and started to gently push back his hair from his face. His skin was cold and white like marble. She took off the robes she had been hiding in and put them around him to keep him warm, shivering against the cold as she took his hand and warmed it in hers.

“Come on…” she lifted his hand to her face and blew warm air against it, unable to resist the urge to press a soft kiss to his skin. “Come back.”

She dropped his hand to her lap and started to look for the medpac she had taken from the shuttle. Finding something to clean the blood from his face from a cut just above his brow. She patted at his cheek again and his body jolted violently, making blood gush from his wound as his eyes shot open. His other hand ignited his lightsaber immediately, but he was too weak to lift his arm, the blazing red light illuminating them both in the dark. He looked up at her as if he had been expecting the enemy, his eyes softened immediately when he recognized her. Erin couldn’t help but smile through panic and tears in relief.

“Stay still.” She whispered as she made sure her robes were covering him enough to warm up. “Don’t move.”

 

***  
  
She looked like a ghost in the red blazing light of his lightsaber. Her face covered in tears and blood as she smiled in what looked like pure relief. At first, he thought she was another dream or vision, but he could feel the warmth of her leg through the fabric of her uniform and he knew she was real. “Don’t move.” She repeated as her shaking hands moved through the medpac to assess what she could use to help him. He grabbed her wrist and made her look at him, he wanted to see her face again.

“You came.” He groaned.

She was quiet for a moment and he could tell she was taking in a deep breath, maybe the first real breath in a long time and she released it through quivering lips. She was cold.

“I told you I would.” She replied before turning back to the kit at her side.   
Her words made him realize that they really did see each other in his vision, that they had communicated through a distance that seemed impossible to breach. He had only experienced that with one other person before, and she had been much stronger. Was the Force connecting all of them with a purpose? Was it trying to bring him closer to the people that seemed to care?

Erin looked down at her hands as she held several items in them, she looked like she was trying to figure out her next move. She looked scared and unsure.

Kylo shifted slightly, feeling uncomfortable in his current position. The movement hurt immensely, and he closed his eyes, regretting his actions. The girl looked down at him and frowned, her eyes gleaming in the light of the lightsaber. Even like this, with tears and blood staining her cheeks, Kylo could see she was beautiful.   
“Don’t move, you’ll make it worse.”

Her features were soft and her big eyes framed by long wet lashes. Her stubborn words only made her more attractive to him and he wished his body wasn’t pierced by scrap metal, so he could show her how glad he was she was here with him. He looked down at the wound and saw her hands move toward it, ripping at the fabric of his robes to assess the damage. She poured a translucent fluid over the wound to clean it, using a cloth to wipe away the blood. His pain was mixed with shivers as her fingers touched the skin of his stomach, a place she had not touched before. He studied her face as she studied the wound and the distraction helped with the pain. He could see how the locks that fell around her face would curl slightly, like a wave and how her full lips tightened in concentration. She suddenly met his gaze and her dark brows were furrowed.

“If we move you, you’ll bleed out.” Her voice was soft and sad and he didn’t reply for a while, suddenly very tired again. He looked down at the metal sticking out from his skin and at the medpac next to her. There was nothing in there that could heal a wound like this.

“Burn it.” He replied, his voice deep and certain.

“What?” she looked at him, he could tell she was startled as her eyes turned big. He turned off his lightsaber and handed her the hilt. Their fingers touched as she took the weapon from him, carefully holding it in both hands. It seemed strangely intimate to see it in her hands, as if he had given part of him away.

“Help me up and burn it. It’ll stop the bleeding.” He replied, his gaze steadily met hers, reassuring her it would be alright.

“But the internal damage...”

“It’ll give us time.”

He could tell she was already readying herself to follow his instructions, she was strong like that, always ready to move forward and to keep going. She knew hesitation could be lethal. She took in a sharp breath and nodded.

“Careful or you’ll slice me in half.” He joked, a soft chuckle escaping from his lips and he wondered how long it had been since he had last made a joke.

She wasn’t laughing though as she looked down at the hilt of his lightsaber and turned it on. He had to admit the weapon looked good on her.

“Ready?” she asked. She didn’t give him time to respond as she helped him up. He felt the metal slice through skin and tissue again as she pulled him from the wall. He fell over and she quickly shifted him to the wall next to the metal pin that had just been in his body. Everything happened so fast, and so painfully, he hardly knew what was happening as she pushed him back gently and moved the red glowing weapon closer to him. It felt unnatural to see his own weapon move toward him like that, she was careful and scared, trembling as she held the side of the weapon to his skin, barely touching it but close enough to cauterize the wound. He bent over in pain and she moved to his back to repeat the action. Kylo felt dizzy and nauseous, barely holding on to his consciousness as he fell back and turned over to his side, curling in on himself as the burning sensation and agony spread through his entire body. He heard her drop the lightsaber and could feel her warmth as she pulled him closer. She gently caressed his hair from his face and held up a tiny vial of bacta to his lips and if it wasn’t for everything that was going on Kylo could’ve stayed in her arms like that forever. It was a strange thing to feel cared for after all of the betrayal and abandon.

She looked down at him, her arms wrapped around his head protectively and he felt like sleeping. The agony that had ran through his body was now turning into fatigue and he just wanted to rest.

“We need to go.” She whispered.

There was no time for resting. There wasn’t even time to talk about what had happened. Their enemy could be here any moment, and his body could give in any moment as well. The fact that he had held on for so long was a miracle he knew had everything to do with the Force, but however powerful the Force was he knew it wouldn’t keep him alive forever. She was right, they needed to go.

 

***  
  
“Can you get up?” Erin moved his arm around her neck, he was much taller than her, so she would need his help with this. His strength and determination surprised her as she pulled him up and he stood shakily on both legs. He was heavily leaning on her shoulders, but she could do this, they could do this. She was still holding onto the hilt of his lightsaber and handed the weapon to him, he shook his head gesturing for her to hold onto it. As she helped him walk through the vessel, trying hard not to collapse under his weight, she grabbed the blaster she had dropped previously and pushed it in his hand. When they got outside the moons were still shining above them and the wind ripped at her clothes making her shiver and her teeth chatter. Kylo shifted to move more fabric of the robes she had draped around his shoulders to keep her warm as they started to walk. Careful not to fall or hurt anything while they moved around the rocks.

“We’re almost there…just hold on.” She whispered to Kylo and herself as they kept pushing forward. She could tell he was struggling, but he was suffering in silence, pushing forward as he did.

Erin came to a halt when she looked up at where she had left the shuttle in the distance. She could see four distinct shapes in the moonlight and she knew they could see her too as their heads turned. They were waiting at the shuttle for her return, she wondered how long they had been there.   
“Stay here.” She said as she started to move his arm from her shoulders.  
“No.” his voice was deep and guttural, and he moved his arm back around her for support. “Move closer.” He instructed her, and she did.

They were waiting patiently, four men with amused looks on their faces as Erin and Kylo moved closer toward them. She kept her distance and so did the men as they watched each other in silence for a moment.

“Well look what we have here. The Supreme Leader of the First Order.” Erin did not recognize the man but his tone implied he was no friend to the First Order. She wondered if he was a friend to the Rebellion. Kylo did not reply and Erin wasn’t sure if he didn’t want to or was too weak to do so.

“He’s hurt.” Erin was surprised to hear herself speak. “Let us go and we will fight over this in an honest battle.”

“Honest?” The man moved closer now, slowly as he laughed. The sound was full of hatred.

“Like the _honest_ battle you gave us when you used that monstrosity of a weapon to destroy our planets?”   
Erin knew these weren’t the Moarians, this man was with the Republic. He had somehow survived the attacks of Starkiller base and wasn’t planning on acting politically correct.  This also made him an ally to the Rebellion and complicated the matter immensely.

“We can end this right here, right now.” The man went on as he raised his hand to reveal a blaster. The other three stood in silence, watching what Erin supposed was their leader. She moved back slowly as she noticed the man’s finger move to pull the trigger of his weapon. She closed her eyes and braced for impact as he fired his gun but nothing hit her. She had felt Kylo move and quickly looked at him to see if he had been hit, but he was unharmed. His hand raised, and his face contorted in intense focus as he had stopped the blaster bolt mid-air. Even in his current state he had the strength to do the impossible. All of the men watched in awe and terror as Kylo reflected the bolt and shot it through their leader’s head, making him drop to the ground instantly before collapsing himself. Erin didn’t hesitate and took the moment of distraction to get into action, igniting the weapon in her hands before charging at the three men that were left in front of her. This was their only chance. It felt strange to fight with a lightsaber, it was something she had never done before but similar to the ancient weapons she had used at the arena’s. Only this was more powerful. She had no time to glance back at Kylo, moving forward as the men closed in on her, deflecting their bullets with the lightsaber as she fought for her life and his. The men weren’t well trained, they were sloppy and lead by fear instead of determination and it didn’t take long for her to kill one of them with her weapon. He fell to the ground, making her stumble and turn to face the next and as the other one still alive moved to attack her from behind she heard a blaster go off. Kylo. He was still conscious and helping her. She struggled against the last man standing, the cold making it hard to hold onto the hilt of the lightsaber and the rocks cutting at her ankles as she moved back. This man was a giant, strong and heavy but his blaster wasn’t working, instead he just used it to strike her. She took the opportunity to strike at him with the lightsaber, missing once, then twice as he proved to be quicker than she thought. She remembered Kylo’s advice about her feet giving her movements away and she focused on moving more quickly, not giving away her next move as she thrusted the weapon forward and through the large man’s chest.

She took a few steps back, out of breath as she looked at the bodies surrounding her. There was no time to think about what she had done or who she had killed.   
  
***  
  
The sight of her fighting with his weapon was beyond striking and from that moment on he knew he’d do anything to keep her in his life. They were a team even without communicating, complementing each other’s actions in the midst of battle. She turned to look back at him, still breathing heavily from the fight as the wind played with her hair. Kylo pushed himself up, never breaking his gaze as he kept looking at her in awe. He stood unsteadily, and she rushed up to him, holding him up and supporting him with her body. He leaned on her gratefully, the use of the Force had drained the last bit of energy that he had had. She was guiding him toward a shuttle he recognized as the First Order’s.   
“I thought that stopping a blaster bolt thing was a myth the Stormtroopers made up.”

She chuckled softly, and the joke made Kylo feel strangely at home with her. A grin pulled at the corners of his lips he realized their dynamics started to shift.   
“I told you to stop taking bullets for me.”  
She was serious now as they entered the shuttle.   
“I will if you stop getting yourself in trouble.”

She situated him in a seat in the cockpit, next to what he knew had been hers. She studied his face, pulling the robes tighter around him before moving down to gaze at his burnt side, her fingers trailing over the skin carefully. He closed his eyes and although the feeling hurt he didn’t want her to stop touching him. His eyes opened, and he watched her closely as she made sure he was secured into his seat. Kylo moved his hand up to cup her cheek and she met his stare, he pulled her closer to him and she leaned in willingly, her lips parting slightly as she rested her forehead against his. He could feel her warm breath on his face, and the softest brush of her lips against his as she hesitated. He wanted to kiss her so badly, but he also knew that if he kissed her now he wouldn’t be able to stop there. She pulled back he moved his hand down her neck, feeling her shiver at his touch.

“We have to go.” She said, and once again he knew she was right.


	23. Protect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me a while to update. I've been on a little trip and wasn't able to write. But I'm back! Enjoy this next chapter, there will be a new and very exciting chapter coming before the weekend.

She had tried to keep him awake for as long as possible by telling him what had happened and how she had found him. She had told him about Hux, which had infuriated him, and about Aurora’s help which seemed to confuse him slightly. He in turn told her what had happened when he arrived at Moar. They had been under attack while still airborne and even though they had put up quite the fight they had crashed. The crash had killed all Stormtroopers except for one, who had disappeared. Erin wondered why the Moarians hadn’t been looking for the wreck and quickly realized that maybe they had not known where it was until she came to find it. Giving away the location of the wreck in the process. There was a lot to discuss about what had happened, but it would have to wait until they were back as Kylo had fallen asleep or lost consciousness at some point and she decided it was best to let him rest for a while. She had used up all the bacta shots that had been in the medpac and hoped this would keep the internal damage from worsening as they travelled. She still felt scared, unsure what kind of damage had been done to his body by the crash. She shifted anxiously in her seat, cursing under her breath as even hyperspace didn’t seem fast enough to get him the care he needed.

 

Watching him sleep was strangely calming though. He looked very different from what he looked like awake. The rage and darkness were gone from his face, leaving smooth white skin except for the scar that ran across his face and the cut above his eyebrow. Sleeping made him look younger. For the first time she took a moment to look at him closely, without the intensity of his eyes and the way he looked at her it was easier to focus on his features. He was handsome, the scars didn’t take away from that. His black hair full and wavy, surrounding his face like a painting. The most striking thing about his face, next to his eyes, were his lips. They looked full and inviting. As she looked at his lips she could still feel the sensation of them on hers, soft and warm and passionate and the thought made her lips tingle yearningly. She couldn’t imagine someone with that kind of passion could ever really be entirely be lost to the dark.

 

When they arrived back  -again clumsily landing in the hangar- Erin could already see Hux and his men awaiting them. She didn’t wake Kylo, she wasn’t even sure if he would wake up if she tried and got out of the shuttle by herself. There were at least thirty blasters pointed at her as she did and she automatically lifted her hands to show she wasn’t a threat.   
Aurora was standing behind Hux, her eyes big, blue and scared. She was afraid Erin had failed.

“Agarun, either you’re very brave or very stupid to return after the _little stunt_ you pulled.” General Hux spat the words, his red brows furrowed as he stared at her with eyes as cold as ice. She had seen him like this before and it had not ended well for her. It would be so amusing to say something that would upset him even more, it would also be very stupid. Erin swallowed back the snide remark she wanted to make and came to a halt in front of the Stormtroopers pointing their weapons at her.

“General Hux, the Supreme Leader needs immediate medical attention, I suppose we can debrief my _mission_ after he’s been given the care he needs?”   
She could see Aurora shift uncomfortably behind the general and knew she wanted to see him. Erin felt something stir inside her that felt a lot like jealousy, as if she felt entitled to care more about their leader than Aurora should. She was playing political games with Hux, and she knew the general would play along. He couldn’t let his men know that he had let her undermine his authority, and he also couldn’t let everyone know that he had tried to put their Supreme Leader in danger on purpose.    
“Of course.” He replied coldly and instructed a few men to help their leader to the med bay. Erin stepped aside to let them enter the shuttle, watching closely.   
Hux immediately told the rest of the Stormtroopers to get back to their stations, the only one remaining in the hangar were himself and Aurora, who hovered behind him almost desperately. Erin was grateful no one got to see Kylo in the state he was in, it would mean serious damage to his leadership. She knew she shouldn’t care about his leadership over an organisation that was essentially her enemy, but she didn’t want him to be in any danger if he would be seen as weak.

Erin walked up to Hux as the troopers behind her carried their leader and greeted him accordingly, it was almost a challenge. Her actions telling him “ _you did not win this time”_ and his eyes in return said more than words ever could. If he would get the chance, she’d be dead.

 

Hux had been dealt with for now and Erin refused to let Kylo out of her sight while he got the medical treatment he needed. Mostly because she wanted to make sure Kylo got through without being harmed, but also because she knew she’d be less vulnerable in his presence. Her life was as uncertain as Kylo’s at this point.

 

It proved to be a long procedure and even though Erin was tired, she stayed to watch every move made around the man. Hux’ actions had been an assassination attempt, and it had not been the first. If he got the chance he might still finish what he started even if it meant betraying the First Order code. She wondered what Kylo would do to him once he regained strength. Part of her thought he’d have one of his tantrums and kill the man for everyone to see, but it would hardly be the wise choice since most of the First Order was shockingly loyal to the general and chaos within their ranks was hardly what they needed in these dire times of war. Erin knew these complications were favourable for the Resistance, there would be time for them to gain strength and numbers, but she didn’t feel too good about the worsened rivalry between the two men.

She sat down and watched through the window of the med bay as Kylo was now resting in a medical pod. Blue and white lights flashing on his face while soft beeping noises let her know that he was stable, at least for now. She knew he would probably be alright if she left now to go freshen up and sleep, but the truth was she was hiding from a First Order without him. She could no longer go unnoticed through these halls. She could feel herself doze off, eyelids heavy with fatigue.

She shot up straight, startled as she could hear footsteps on her right, only to find Aurora standing in the doorway. She seemed anxious but didn’t speak, she just looked at Kylo’s still frame.

The woman moved to the window and Erin recognized the look in her eyes, Aurora cared about this man. This man that was now the leader of the First Order, a man that seemed reckless and ruthless, unpredictable and dangerous yet there were two women staring down at his wounded body filled with concern and compassion. Erin felt uncomfortable watching Aurora, jealousy pulling at her heart as she wondered what her history with Kylo was. She studied the woman and noticed how she was the exact opposite, suddenly feeling insecure about herself.

“You did it.” Aurora’s voice was quiet and strangely human as she turned to look at Erin.

“Thanks to you, yes.” Erin replied.

“You look terrible, you should rest.” She knew Aurora meant to be nice, it just came out awkwardly. Erin shook her head, she wasn’t leaving him alone until they had figured out how to deal with Hux.

“I’ll stay.”   
Either Aurora was an effortless mind reader or Erin’s face had been an open book, either way she understood exactly why Erin felt like she couldn’t leave.  She looked at Aurora long and hard but then realized the compassion she had seen in her face would keep Kylo safe. She nodded once and stood up.

“I’ll be back in a few hours.” Erin promised, more to Kylo than to Aurora although she was the only one who could truly hear her. She turned to leave the med bay but stood still in the door opening as Aurora spoke softly again.   
“You did good, little pet.”

And with that small compliment Erin hurried to her private quarters as quickly as she could, trying her hardest not to get noticed along the way.

 

Erin hardly felt safe in the confinement of her room, but she had to admit it felt good to be clean and lying down. Her entire body was aching after what it had been put through and she only now noticed the throbbing headache she was having. Every fibre of her body felt tired, yet she couldn’t get to sleep as quickly as she had expected to. Her muscles ached from being exposed to the cold. She stared at the matte silver of the ceiling above her and sighed.

She missed home even though she could hardly remember what a home felt like. She missed being able to fall asleep feeling safe. Even though she had learned so much about the Force, and had gotten much stronger in both the Force and defending herself, she felt helpless and scared. She had just travelled half way across the galaxy, saving a man that was supposed to be her sworn enemy, killing possible allies in the process and it made her feel completely lost. She had no idea who she was anymore, or who she was supposed to become, and with those restless thoughts running through her mind she finally fell asleep.   
  
When she woke a few hours later she took just a little time to freshen up and return to the med bay in a fresh uniform with her hair pulled back neatly. Aurora informed her that Kylo had not woken up before leaving her alone with him again. The woman seemed to have warmed slightly toward her, their communications now formal instead of hostile.   
  
Erin wasn’t allowed to touch him, which felt strangely frustrating. He was so close and yet…  
There was the sound of footsteps and Erin turned quickly to face whoever entered the med bay. It was general Armitage Hux. His lips pulled into a smug smirk as his ice coloured eyes fell upon their fallen leader.   
“I suppose I should’ve known I’d find you here, Agarun.”   
Erin glasped her hands behind her back, holding them tightly to keep them from shaking. Was it anger or fear? She wasn’t sure.

“General.” She replied coldly. He was alone as he walked into the med bay, keeping his distance. His demeanour was careful, as if he thought Kylo could wake up any minute now.   
“I came to make sure our Supreme Leader was attended to in a proper manner.”   
The way he said it triggered something in her that could only be explained as a deep resentment.     
“You mean you came to see if you could finish what you started?” she spat, her voice cold as ice and her body became cold too. She hated Hux, he was so evil he couldn’t possibly be human. Her words made him laugh in return. Erin felt a surge of power and she was unsure where it came from when she lifted her hand and used the anger that had built up inside her to hurl it toward Hux. She had expected him to fall back, but in her mind she had wished to chokehold him and she did. Without touching him she was taking the breath from him and she could feel a deep and dark power run through her veins. Hatred turned the Force into an ugly thing.   
Hux grasped at his throat, pulling at the collar of his neat shirt but it wasn’t helping him breathe. Erin felt her head ache in concentration, her arm trembling but she wouldn’t let go of him. She felt a fierce need to protect what she cared for and it was taking over any reason. She walked closer to him now, and she felt it made it easier to keep a hold of him. She looked up at him, her hand shaking violently now but he was still unable to take a breath. His face was turning red now, his eyes widening in fear.   
“You try to hurt him again, and I _will_ kill you. I don’t care what it takes.”   
It would be so easy to just kill him right here and now. If she could just hold on a little longer, he would no longer be able to hurt Kylo or anyone else she cared about. She was so close. But she knew killing him now would threaten Kylo’s position within the First Order. It would cause complete chaos, and she wasn’t sure if the higher ranks would even support Kylo if anything was to happen to Hux. She let go of him and gasped, only now noticing she had not been breathing herself. Hux fell to his knees and gasped for air, still gripping at his throat as if it was still closed off from oxygen. He coughed loudly, trying hard to regain his strength to get up quickly.   
“Get out.” Erin snarled, and to her surprise he did.

  
  
She decided to stay by his side this time, despite the medical droids wanting her to leave. Something about him seemed fragile like this, and even though she knew he was more than capable of taking care of himself once he woke up she wasn’t willing to let him go through his recovery alone. He seemed to look better each day, the colour returning to his face, the dark circles under his eyes disappearing. She wondered how long it had been since he had actually rested like this. She stayed for two days straight, watching every move the droids made to attend to his wounds, listening to every beeping noise, taking naps on the floor leaning back against the wall. She had been way more uncomfortable in her life, she could do this. She _would_ do this. Just days ago, she had been convinced she might have lost him, and the way it had made her feel was something that had shifted her opinion of him and their connection. She wasn’t sure what to call it yet, but things were changing within her.   
  
***  


Kylo woke to a beeping noise that seemed uncomfortably loud. His eyelids fluttered open and he immediately narrowed them, the light hurting his eyes. He could feel a dull ache at his side and moved his hand to feel the thin fabric of his shirt covering what felt like synth skin. It was less sensitive than real skin, almost numb. He wanted to sit up and check his surroundings, but when he tried he could hardly move. He stayed down instead, noticing how even breathing was difficult, and looked around the med bay to find what he knew he had been looking for.   
  
She was there.

 

She was half sitting, half resting in a chair that wasn’t actually supposed to be in the med bay. He knew she was stubborn enough to get it there despite what the medical droids would think of it and this almost made him smile. He could see how she was breathing slow and deep, her small nose crinkling slightly as she shifted to find a more comfortable position. He hated how his eyelids felt heavy with fatigue, wanting to keep his gaze on her like this forever. He noticed cuts and bruises where her ankles were exposed, her hands looked the same and he wondered what she had gone through to find him. She had found him. Against all odds she had found him. He felt a warm and unknown sensation spread through his chest. It felt warm, something stirring behind his heart. This woman had cared enough to come for him, to _save_ him. And with the warm feeling spreading comfortably through his body Kylo fell back asleep.

 

 


	24. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a little carried away with this one, but I have a feeling you guys won't mind. Enjoy!

_His hair was soft and shiny between her fingertips and she focused hard, trying not to cut in her finger again as he just wouldn’t stop moving._   
_“Poe, will you just stop moving?” she hissed. She couldn’t see his face but she knew for a fact he was rolling his eyes at her._   
_“I don’t understand why this is even necessary.” He crossed his arms and slumped back in his chair, which almost made her cut her finger. Again._   
_“I swear if you don’t sit still I’m going to ruin your hair.”_   
_She had not seen him in weeks and now that he was back it was nice to enjoy some time together with all her friends._

_Erin smiled as she heard Emma giggle from across the room. She looked up at her friend, her golden hair wild and messy._   
_“I’m next Er!”_   
_“No, I’m next!” Eloi chimed in now, he had been quietly reading on his bed, still angry with Poe for leaving them behind. As he closed his book and looked up she could tell he was already starting to forgive the man._   
_“I want my hair just like Poe’s, it looks good.” He said, and this didn’t surprise Erin one bit. The boy was slowly turning into a young man, and Erin could tell who his role model was. He even dressed the same as Poe now, complete with a similar leather jacket. His hair was lighter though, and his almond shaped eyes a piercing green. Erin chuckled as she worked at Poe’s locks with almost military precision. With all of her friends in one room she finally felt like she was home again. For her home was never a place, the place she had called home was destroyed a long time ago. Home to her was this moment and these people. Her family._

_“You know, it’ll be much easier to fly without all that hair falling in your face all the time.” She said, trying to convince him to sit still for more than 7 seconds._

_“Yeah, yeah.” Poe’s voice had softened now, and she could tell he was smiling. She took a few steps back to assess her creation and grinned at Poe._   
_“There, all done.” She chuckled and crossed her arms, “Very handsome.” She joked._   
_The man rolled his eyes at her again, happy to finally be able to move without her commenting on it._

_“Bet you all the rebel girls will go crazy for you now, Poe!” Emma laughed, pretending to faint at the sight of him._

_“Shut up.” He threw her a warning look before pulling Erin into a welcoming hug._   
_“Thanks, Er.”_   
_“Glad to have you back, Captain.”_

She gasped and shot up when she woke, overwhelmed by the intense feeling of nostalgia as she soon realized it had only been a dream. Sadness came over her as she studied her surroundings. She was no longer in the med bay, but she wasn’t home either. The room around her was dark and neat, the bed softer than what she was used to. She longed to be back in her dream, back with her friends, laughing and happy even though they had been at war. There was no happiness in this room, she could sense it was filled with sorrow. She recognized it as Kylo’s, but she couldn’t remember how she had gotten here. She noticed how her body ached less than it had before although it was stiff from sleeping in a chair for several days. Erin pushed the black sheets aside and noticed that someone had taken off her shoes. The cuts and bruises on her ankles were gone, and she wondered how.

As she got up she noticed that the floor was cold under her bare feet. She felt strangely disorientated and still sleepy as she moved from the sleeping area of the quarters to the other room to find Kylo standing in front of a large window. He was standing up straight and even though all she could see was his back he looked stronger than he had done even before the crash.

 

She stood still, quietly observing him as he turned at the sound of her. He didn’t smile, but his eyes seemed to brighten at the sight of her. He seemed solemn and content. His face looked healthy and well rested, the dark circles under his eyes had gone and even the scar crossing his face seemed to have faded slightly. His lips had returned to their usual dark pink and she was glad to see he had recovered so well after what had happened.

“You’re awake.” He stated, his voice slow and deep like a lullaby. He didn’t move, and the distance between them felt safe in a way.  
Erin nodded and frowned, still slightly confused as she looked around the room for any hints on how she had gotten there or why. The lingering sadness from her dream still keeping a hold of her. She looked back at Kylo and could see he was frowning too, worried. Something really had shifted between them since she had saved him. They were both feeling it, making things slightly awkward. It was strange to have a conversation that wasn’t about the First Order or him training her. It was strange to know they cared more than just that about one another. In fact, it was strange to care at all, neither of them had been very good at it in the past. But he was making an effort, or was she only imagining it?

“You’re sad.” His voice was confused yet filled with compassion, she had not heard his voice like that before. It made her heart beat a little faster as she quickly shook her head.  
“Just a dream.” She felt uncomfortable discussing what the dream had been about, so she quickly changed the subject.  
“How are you?”

He didn’t answer her. He just looked at her intensely for a moment that seemed to last forever before he took long rushed strides across the room, almost tipping over the furniture that was in his way before placing his hands on her cheeks, cupping her face while he towered over her. She didn’t have time to think, simply gasping as he moved toward her so quickly. He didn’t hesitate and pressed his lips against hers passionately.  
  
  
***  
  
  
As his lips touched hers it seemed that everything that had been building up inside him was begging to escape. He had longed for her ever since he thought his life was about to end, and now she was right here and all he could think of was how to make her his. Her lips were full and soft against his, her cheeks burning in his hands. He wanted to kiss away that sadness that had been visible in her eyes. He could sense how she tensed up at first, no doubt taken aback by his actions as she soon returned the kiss and melted into his hold on her. She moved hastily, wild like she always did, to take his face in her hands and the sensation of her wanting him just as badly made Kylo growl quietly. He deepened the kiss, sighing into her mouth as the taste of her quenched a thirst he had been feeling ever since they had first kissed.  
He moved one hand through her hair as the other slowly trailed its way down her side, taking in every curve. She pressed up and against him, her small frame flush against his and he answered with a hand pressing against the small of her back to hold her even closer. They were flames dancing around each other, igniting a desire that burned brighter with every touch.  
He could feel the flutter of her heart against his chest and the sound of her sighing quietly against his lips made him feel dizzy. He pulled back reluctantly, still holding her face in one hand as he looked down at her. He didn’t want to stop but the question in his mind burned brighter than his desire.

“You saved me…” he said huskily.    
He knew she had risked her own life to save his, but he had to know why.  
Her small hands were on his chest now, still tugging at the fabric of his robes as she looked up at him breathlessly. The sadness was gone.

“Why?” he breathed, his voice raspy as his body craved more of her.

“I didn’t want you to die.” She replied in a rushed and breathless voice before moving her hands up to his face, pulling him in for another kiss. It was hard not to kiss her back, and he stole a few moments kissing her before pulling back again, growling in frustration against the soft warm skin of her lips. He wanted her but he also wanted an answer, his mind and body couldn’t decide which they wanted more. She stubbornly kissed him again, fingertips trailing along his jawline as she bit at his lower lip. He moved quickly to grab her upper arms and pulled her off of him, making her look into his eyes as he bent over slightly to lower his face to hers.  
“Why?” he pleaded this time.  
This changed her expression, her dark eyes looking up into his with so many mixed emotions. He could see wonder and fear, surprise and determination. She had worlds within her and he wanted to know them all. She didn’t move in his grasp, she simply looked at him as she spoke, and her voice sounded like truth.  
“Because I couldn’t bear the thought of the galaxy without you.”    
  
***  
  
_“Because I couldn’t bear the thought of the galaxy without you.”_    
  
The moment she had said the words she knew they were true. She had known it since the moment she learned he might be in danger. She had even known it before, when she told Leia she would go back for him. And even though she wasn’t sure exactly what about him had made her fall, she realized she had and they were past the point of no return. She was tired of fighting it. Tired of thinking about what others would think of her. And so tired of being alone.  
  
He was beautiful. His flaws mirroring hers, his strengths strengthening hers. He was a broken man with a dark side and Erin knew he was far from perfect, but she saw something in him that was magnificent. He had done terrible things, monstrous things he could never take back and she could never explain away. But he was a raging storm that had drawn her in and would haunt her forever. There was a wildness in him that was so similar to hers, and a soul that seemed to truly understand and cherish both the light and the darkness in her. It felt like they had been connected over space and time and that connection had led them here.

 

He didn’t answer with words but with actions as he once again took her face in his hands, kissing her as if it was the last time he could, and she was grateful. Talking was difficult, frightening even. This, this was easy. They understood each other better without words it seemed. He moved his lips along her jaw and down her neck, sending shivers up her spine and making Erin’s eyes roll back into her head. She was trembling with desire as her breathing became unsteady, her hands wandering down and along the thick fabric covering his chest. She could feel herself grow impatient, tugging at the black robes as their lips met again.

 

It was as if he knew exactly what she wanted him to do and yet the sensation of his hands slipping under her shirt and over her skin surprised her. His hands were remarkably warm. She had always expected his body to be as cold as his personality, but she couldn’t be more wrong about either. His movements slowed now and so did the kisses as Kylo was taking his time to trail his fingertips up along her spine. The fabric of her shirt sliding up in the process and he moved his other hand to the small of her back to gently caress her skin. Moving along the back of her neck to her hips and up her sides. The pace of his movements fastened again as he kissed her more fiercely now, pulling her shirt over her head and dropping it to the floor.  
Erin suddenly felt cold and pressed herself against him, returning his kiss feverishly as he started to guide her through the room. She didn’t know where she was moving, and she didn’t take the time to look, trusting him completely as her hands started to work at his robes. He let her do so, touching and kissing every part she didn’t need to take off the top part of his uniform.  
Her hands trailed down the light skin of his chest, moving over every crease of muscle and scar and she looked up at him in awe to see him shiver at her touch. She looked at him now, taking in the way his skin was shining in the dim light of his suite, running a fingertip along the scar that started at his face and ended at his chest. Trailing her other hand down to the scarred and tender tissue at his side where he had been pierced just days ago. The memory of almost losing him made her want him even more and she pulled him closer, kissing him as she was now guiding them toward his bed. He held her close, pulling her up and against him and Erin moved her legs around his waist. Kylo’s actions became bolder as he ran his hands up the side of her legs, his fingertips pressing into her skin, following the curves of her body. He bent over to gently lay her down on the bed, hovering over her, his arms supporting his weight on either side of her face. Her heart was beating faster than it ever had before and breathing was hard as she looked into his eyes. He was panting slightly, dark hair falling around his face as his eyes trailed from her face, along her neck and down. They rested at the scar on her shoulder before trailing further along her almost bare chest down to the ugly scarred skin on her side where both Hux and Poe had shot her. Erin suddenly felt self-conscious and studied his face. Her skin was bearing more scars than his was, some faded from the past, some still fresh. His eyes shot back up to hers and his gaze softened into something she had never seen before, the faintest of smiles.  
  
***  
  
Her past was written all over her skin in faded scars but as he looked down at her all he could see was beauty. She was captivating despite or maybe even because of the damage that her past had done to her. She seemed fragile, yet her skin was proof of how strong she was. He leaned in to first kiss the scar on her shoulder, remembering the moment he had to take the old-fashioned bullet from the wound. Her skin smelled the way rain smells in summer, something he had not smelled since he had become what he was now. He could tell how she shivered and sighed shakily as his lips trailed down and along the fabric of her undergarments to her side to kiss the other scar she had because of him. His nose pressed into her skin as he pressed a long kiss to her damaged skin. It was slightly darker than his even where the sun never touched it, soft and warm like desert sand. He kissed his way back up, pressing himself against her, moving his arm under her back to move her up and further onto his bed. She pulled back to look at his face, taking the moment to catch her breath. He could feel how her hands moved into his hair as he kissed her neck again, deciding this was his favorite place to kiss her besides her lips. She tugged slightly at his strands and the feeling made him groan quietly in pleasure before kissing her again. He rushed to remove the rest of both his and her uniform in between passionate kisses and pulled the sheets over them to keep her warm. He could feel the bare skin of her legs against his sides and his hands started to wonder to places he had only dreamed of up until now. At first, he touched her as if she could break, fingertips running along the curve of her breasts as if it was porcelain but his hunger for her grew unbearable and his touch more eager. She returned his passion by pulling him closer with her legs and arms, intertwining their bodies as she nipped at his neck teasingly. Their skin had turned sweaty with passion and Kylo wanted her to be his. So much of the future was unsure, but what he wanted here and now was clear as he pulled back to look into her eyes, tenderly caressing her cheek and hair. In his eyes a question she answered by pressing her hips to meet his before her head rose from the pillow to kiss him again. He pressed into her slowly and could feel her grip on him tighten, her fingertips and nails digging into the skin of his shoulders as she buried her face in the crease of his neck. The sensation of their bodies joining was overwhelming. He needed more of her, to touch her more, kiss her more. At first he was afraid he was hurting her but he soon realized her soft cries against his skin were a sign of pleasure as she started to move with him in unison. He held her as if she might disappear if he didn’t and their movements grew more passionate. It was similar to fighting in combat with her, they were in synch yet able to surprise each other when the others guard was down. In this moment he lived for the pleasure he could give her and for the gratification she gave him in return. When they reached their climax Kylo collapsed on top of her, both of their hearts beating violently against the others chest. He listened to her breathing uncontrollably as she held his head to her chest tenderly. He liked how she was playing with his hair, gently caressing it back from his face as she kissed the top of his head. He turned to look at her again and noticed she was trembling. He moved to lay beside her, making sure his skin was still touching hers because he couldn’t imagine not touching her ever again. He propped himself up to be able to look at her and she turned to move closer to him. Kylo reached out and touched her cheek.

  
“The galaxy without you would mean nothing to me.”


	25. You

Falling asleep in his arms felt warm and safe. Something she had not felt in a long time. She had hidden her face in the crease of his neck and the scent of his skin and hair was intoxicating. Being close to him felt natural, like the answer to all of her questions. He felt warm and held her protectively, so very different from the ruthless man everyone thought him to be. She didn’t want to fall asleep because she didn’t want this feeling or moment to end. She didn’t want to wake up to the harsh world that was their reality. She wanted to stay like this for as long as possible.

 

But peace never lasted long for either of them and she woke to restless movements and quiet groans of frustration. She turned slowly and even though the room was dark she could see him next to her. His hands balled into fists, gripping the sheets as his brows furrowed into a deep frown. He was struggling visibly, inaudible words coming from his lips as beads of sweat were starting to form on his forehead. Erin sat up, gently moving her hand over his balled fist but it didn’t relax, it tightened even more, turning his knuckles white. She couldn’t stand seeing him like this, the discomfort radiating from him so intensely she could feel it. There was intense sadness in him, mixed with pure fear. Not the healthy fear of when you’re in battle fighting for your life but the type of fear you feel when you’re completely lost and don’t know what to do. A desperate and all-consuming emotion. The muscles of his arms tensed as he pressed himself back into the bed, his head shaking from side to side as he tried to break free from whatever nightmare was haunting him.   
Erin moved to kneel beside him quickly, desperate to help him as she put her hand carefully on his shoulder.   
“Kylo, wake up.” She whispered carefully.   
His brow softened slightly before returning to a strained expression. She shook him slightly as the words from his lips grew clearer.   
“No, please…” he murmured.   
“Kylo…”

She leaned in closer, moving her other hand to his cheek to caress it gently. Whenever his subconscious wouldn’t listen to his newly given name she knew his birth name would get to him. It had been the case before. And even though no one was supposed to use or know it within the First Order, he had never explicitly told her not to.   
“No, no, no, no.” he repeated the words so quickly you could barely tell them apart. His nails digging into the palms of his hands.   
Erin spoke up louder now, her voice still gently and worried.   
“Ben, wake up.”  
More struggling and she could swear she saw a tear escape from under his eyelids.  
“Ben…” she shook him with more force now, wanting to free him from whatever was holding him hostage. She wasn’t sure what woke him up, the movement, his name or maybe even something that happened in his dream but the man sat up so fast she fell back.   
“NO!” he roared.  
Erin gasped as he moved his arm to the nightstand to grab his lightsaber, igniting it before she could even see what he was doing. The weapon was blazing right next to her face. She could feel its heat and hear it hum loudly next to her ear. The action startled her, but what scared her even more was the look on his face. For just a moment the fear in his eyes was greater than anything she had ever seen before. They were gleaming with tears in the red light of his weapon, sweat running down his face and chest, his breathing so heavy the sound of it filled the room. The arm that was holding his weapon was shaking. He was looking anywhere but straight at her, still battling the demons from his dream. She decided to stay with the name that had been able to wake him up.  
“Ben.” She started. “Ben, look at me.”  
He did, recognizing her slowly.   
“Ben, calm down. You’re okay.” She said slowly, her voice shaking slightly but she took a deep breath to steady herself. This proved to be harder with a weapon blazing right by her face, but she managed to do so. She nodded encouragingly as he kept his eyes on her.   
“It’s okay, you’re safe.” Erin hushed, slowly reaching out to the trembling arm holding the lightsaber.  
“It’s me, you’re safe now.” She repeated, and she could tell he was returning to reality slowly with each sentence. She could tell he was still trembling, and so was she. She could’ve been dead.   
“I’m sorry.”  He spoke quietly, catching his breath as he seemed to try and understand what had just occurred. She moved her hand around the one holding on to the hilt of his weapon and he let her take it from him, turning it off in the process.  
Erin understood the reflex, it had taken her years not to attack anyone coming near to her sleeping, but it had scared her nonetheless. She put down the lightsaber next to her. As he seemed to have calmed down more she moved closer, pulling him toward her.   
“You’re okay.” She hushed until he finally stopped shaking.   
  
***

 

The dream was not new to him. For months now, he killed his father over and over again in his dreams, each time regretting it more than the last. If what he had felt before was the feeling of being torn apart, murdering his father had ripped him in half. Nothing had fallen into place, not like Snoke had promised him. Everything had only fallen apart. His grip on the dark side of the Force, his relationship with Snoke, his feelings of hatred toward his father. It had all shifted, like a massive earthquake inside of him, leaving nothing but rubble and destruction. The look on Han’s face when he killed him had set off such regret and despair, he had not been able to shake it since. Han had been a neglectful father, abandoning him when he needed him most, but he turned out to be no better man himself. He was a monster. Kylo had come to realize over the past few months that Han had known what he had asked him to do, his father had known what Snoke had asked of him, and he had helped him follow through with it. It was the one deed that proved what the boy inside had always wanted to know. That he had been loved. And now he was left to wonder if he had made the right decision. If any of his decisions had been right or wrong under the influence of Snoke. Snoke had always lead the way, his path so clear for Kylo to see and now that Snoke was gone he felt like he had to reinvent himself all over again.   
  
When he realized what he was doing, seeing Erin’s scared face in the red glow of his lightsaber, he was filled with shame. She looked at him without judgement, gently taking the weapon from him as he seemed to be frozen in time. He didn’t feel deserving of her kindness as she moved closer and pulled him to her chest. She moved to take the sheets and pull them up and over them, holding him so tight it was almost hard to breathe but the confinement of her arms made him feel like it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

“You’re okay.” She hushed, and he could feel the rushed flutter of her heartbeat realizing he had scared her. Why was he fooling himself? What was he trying to do? He shook his head and broke free from her arms, quickly moving up and from the bed. He looked back at her. The woman covered herself with the sheets, looking at him in confusion. Her wavy hair curling around her bare shoulders. He started to dress himself, unsure of the time. When he turned to look at her again she narrowed her eyes at him knowingly.

“Don’t do this.” She shook her head.  
“You should go.” He said as he pulled the black fabric of his uniform pants up, turning his back on her.   
He didn’t hear her move, he just heard her voice. It was loud and clear and determined.   
“I’m not going anywhere.”   
He turned toward her in frustration and the woman sat perfectly still, her piercing eyes fixated on his. Another challenge. She was daring him to fight her on this.  
“Go.” He said, his voice low and cold as he met her gaze with equal defiance.   
“Make me.” She hissed, her will as strong as her body.

Kylo growled in frustration and turned, grabbing the rest of his robes as he strode out of the sleeping area of his quarters and to the adjoined space next to it.

 

He could hear her move as he got dressed. Suddenly angry with himself and frustrated with her. Why didn’t she just listen to him?   
It didn’t take her long to follow him into the room, she was dressed sloppily, her feet still bare and her hair still down. She looked beautiful and dangerous. She was growing angry with him and he could feel it. He wanted her to be angry, she had every right to be. He was only going to ruin her, like he ruined everything around him lately. She rolled her eyes at him and even though he had not sensed her in his mind they both knew what he had been thinking.  
“Don’t you dare.” She crossed her arms over her chest and her eyes were chilling. He remembered his mother looking at his father like that when he was younger, that look never promised any good.  
“This was a mistake.” He turned his back on her again, knowingly disrespecting her as he did.  
He grew arrogant and stubborn, the way he always did when he wanted to get his way. And right now, he wanted her to leave. She had gotten too close and he had almost hurt her because of it. And on top of it all she thought he could be someone he wasn’t. Ben was gone. He had killed him a long time ago and buried him deep under the dead cold body of his father when he killed him too. If she couldn’t accept what he was, this really was a mistake.  
“You know it wasn’t.”    
He didn’t reply, moving around the room to gather the rest of his uniform and dress himself properly.  
“I don’t care about what happened.”   
“I could’ve killed you.” His voice was cold and matter-of-factly, almost as if he was wishing he had killed her.   
“You would’ve if you wanted to.” She stated, her voice filled with annoyance. She wasn’t leaving like this.  
“Maybe I do now.” He replied, glaring at her over his shoulder before turning from her again, she was unimpressed by his words and chuckled. A cold and humourless sound.    
“You can’t shut me out, Ben.”  
This made him roar in anger, turning to rush up to her, pushing her against the wall she was standing by. Imprisoning her between his arms as his palms pressed to the cold metal of the wall behind her. She was pressed back against it but didn’t waver. She only looked up at him boldly, how was she not scared of him?  
“Ben?” he hissed furiously. “Ben?” he repeated but her face didn’t change and neither did her breathing.   
“Who do you want?” he raised his voice, his face dangerously close to hers as he did. “Who do you want?! Kylo or Ben?!”   
The question was an insult and they both knew it. He knew she had proven herself to him multiple times, but he wanted her to unsee the fragile parts of him, so he could feel strong again. So he could feel like Kylo Ren again. So, the dreams would stop and his purpose would be clear once more. He was trying to hurt her, to scare her to prove his point. He wanted to be right even while he knew he was so wrong. He wanted to blame her for everything he was doing to himself because it was easier to run away from her than to let her in completely.  
“You.” She replied, her voice calm and filled with certainty. “I want you. I don’t care what name you carry.”   
  
***  
  
“You.” She replied, her voice calm and filled with certainty. “I want you. I don’t care what name you carry.”

Erin knew it was true. She didn’t care about the name he used even though she knew she probably should, she would call him anything he wanted her to. She had never really known what he had been like as Ben Solo, but she was sure the man in front of her wasn’t entirely Kylo Ren either.   
  
She could tell he was trying to push her away and she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of doing so. She was stubborn and strong, and she wouldn’t let him play her like that. She had decided to go all in for him, and she had, there was no way she would let him stop that now. She didn’t care if he was scared or wanted to protect her from himself, she didn’t need protecting. Erin could make up her mind on her own, and she had. She was his, no matter what name he carried.

“Now, if you’re done. We should figure out how to deal with Hux before he gets the chance to commit a coup.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made a playlist of the songs that have inspired me while writing this story. I figured some of you might like it! Let me know if there's any songs reminding you of these characters or this story, I'd love to hear them. 
> 
> https://ibb.co/h7xfdS


	26. Alone

“I want him dead.” Kylo sat down at the desk in his quarters and crossed his arms, simply speaking the first thing that came to mind when it came to Armitage Hux. The emotions of his nightmare and their conversation were still affecting his judgement, he knew this, but he didn’t care. It was too tiring to fight the strength of his emotions most times.

  
Erin didn’t look at him as she started to pull her hair back, fastening it into a long ponytail as if it would help her concentrate. He was confused about how she seemed unfazed by their fight or the words he had used to try and push her away. She remained calm and above all professional. _She was doing her job,_ he realized as she turned to look at him now. Her eyes more distant but not unfriendly.

“Well, that makes two of us. But do you really think murdering your second in command for everyone to see would make you a very popular leader?”

Kylo narrowed his eyes at her forwardness, ready to defend himself before he realised she was only speaking the truth. She had always been brutally honest with him like that, even from the start. And although it might not be what he wanted to hear, it was the situation they had to deal with.

“Besides..I already gave him a warning for now.” She crossed her arms, Kylo raised one dark eyebrow out of curiosity but she didn’t explain.  
“You could play his game along for now.” She went on, musing about their possibilities.

Kylo thought about this for a moment, he would deal with Hux in private and keep up the façade in public. If anyone would notice disorder within the highest ranks of the First Order this could mean their downfall for sure.

“We need to know who we can trust.” He said, realising he had not done much to win anyone’s trust lately.

“That’s a start.” Erin nodded and sat down opposite him. She seemed to be thinking for a long time before she finally spoke again.  
“I’d start with Aurora.”

“Aurora?” Kylo fought the urge to roll his eyes.  
Aurora had followed him after what had happened at Luke’s Jedi temple but had never really shown true loyalty to anyone but her brother Bass. The woman was proud and cruel and her moods ever changing. Kylo had never really trusted her, to be honest in his arrogance he had never really thought she was that valuable.    
He looked at Erin who kept her gaze fixed upon his expectantly. Her eyes always challenging him to push beyond his own boundaries and comfort. It was as if she saw something in him he was still to discover yet she never told him what she expected from him. She let him figure it out for himself. He shook his head and broke the connection between their eyes. He wasn’t used to being openly spoken to like this and even though he valued Erin’s opinion, it was hard to listen whenever he felt like he didn’t agree.

“Aurora is fickle and arrogant.” He said, hoping to convince her of being right.

“She helped me get to you. I believe _you_ can trust her.”

The way she put emphasis on the word ‘you’ made him think there was something between the two women that still wasn’t quite right. This made him wary in taking on Erin’s advice. Kylo knew he had offered to do this together, to stand as equals, and this meant he had to at least try and trust her judgement even though he felt differently about the matter.

“I will talk to her.” He mumbled.

When Erin nodded and smiled faintly, he felt pleased. Her trust in him made him feel good and at the same time guilty about trying to push her away, wishing it was in his nature to open up more easily.

“Hux will want to gather for a debrief on your mission once he knows you’ve recovered…”

“I should be the one to initiate the meeting, you’re right.” He said before she could go on, she met his gaze as he admitted she was right. If things had felt wrong between them after their recent fight, they now shifted back to something that felt right. As if they clicked back into place.

“Very well, Supreme Leader.” She nodded curtly, and he was taken aback when she looked back up and granted him a genuine smile.

 

***  
  
Kylo was a stubborn and proud man but he had proven to be able to hear her side of things and value her opinion. This gave Erin hope for whatever future was ahead of them and if she was really honest with herself she loved the way it felt when he looked at her like they were equals. Not in a way where she would be equal in rank. But in a way where they were equals as a man and woman, as partners in whatever came their way. He wasn’t patronizing her the way Poe would often do unknowingly. Surely, it came from a good place with Poe. But this, Kylo or Ben or whatever name he would listen to at that moment, was different.

 

Erin had stayed behind in Kylo’s quarters, studying any information she could access on the mission that had almost cost him his life as Kylo went to talk to Aurora.

Kylo had allowed her to access information she could not previously access and for just the slightest moment Erin felt tempted to use this to help the Resistance. She felt like she had not done them any service lately and it made her feel conflicted. What was she doing? Saving the life of their greatest enemy and now helping him to try and keep peace within the First Order. Was she doing this for the Rebellion or was she losing sight of her true goal?  
  
She was supposed to bring him home. But forcing him into it felt wrong, seducing him into thinking it was what he wanted wasn’t right. His decisions had been made for him his entire life, she couldn’t make this one for him. She wouldn’t. Erin knew this might mean her mission would fail, that she wouldn’t be bringing him home but that she would watch him succeed at what Snoke had made him think was his destiny. But with Snoke gone she could see a change in him, as if the darkness that had been ever present in his mind wasn’t as dominant anymore. As if he was finally able to think for himself, he just didn’t know how yet. She could only make him feel supported, she trusted he would do the rest. She shook the thoughts and focussed on her task at hand. He had given her the ultimate gesture of trust and she would not betray it any more than she already was.

 

Kylo had followed through on his promise, he had talked to Aurora and initiated a request for a debrief that would happen later that night. Erin felt nervous when she was required to be present. Surely, she had been brave enough to attack general Hux in the heat of the moment, but she had not forgotten the type of man he was. Erin did not truly believe in a dark and a light side with no in between, she believed there had to be a balance in the Force just as much as any person was able of a balance within themselves. She believed true darkness was a choice and Armitage Hux had made that choice with dedication. Working with him had made her see that before, and now she was on his bad side. Everyone knew what happened when you were on Hux’ bad side, you disappeared. Like she had made so many men disappear for him. Erin could only hope she wouldn’t be next.  
  


As she walked down the halls toward the briefing room she could feel the piercing looks on her back. Of course, the word had spread about her actions, she just hoped that bringing back the Supreme Leader had changed the story for the better but considering the looks she got she couldn’t be too sure about that. She straightened her back and kept walking, ignoring anyone on her way to her destination when she felt his presence. She could always feel him before she saw him, and what she felt now was stronger than ever before.

Erin turned and looked over her shoulder to see Kylo Ren storming down the hallway, dressed in his dark robes, his cloak floating imposingly behind him. She could almost feel his footsteps vibrate through the hall, strong and steady. His leather gloved hands were balled into fists, his lips pressed together sternly, and his eyes were on fire. He emitted power and rage as he vigorously moved toward the room he was expected at and Erin knew this was a power play. The Supreme Leader was back and he was showing it. She didn’t hesitate as he looked at her just before passing by and she turned to walk beside him, showing her support. She mirrored his appearance, channelling his strength and fury and combining it with hers as she followed him. She had to take large steps to keep up with him, but she was determined to do so.  
Just before they entered the briefing room Kylo glanced back at her, his eyes changing as they met hers, as if looking for support and she nodded once, telling him he had hers.  

  
Hux was already there, along with the men that had helped him navigate the mission. They were sitting down at the sides of the table and looked scared as Kylo entered the room. The atmosphere changing into something dark and threatening as he did. Hux was standing at the head of the table, next to him was Bass Ren, masked and huge. Aurora was leaning to the wall in the corner just beside the entrance, she was unmasked, her blonde hair down and pulled over one shoulder. She nodded once at Erin before standing up straight to take her place next to Kylo.  
The three of them stood quietly, staring at General Hux on the opposite side of the room and the tension was palpable as the general finally spoke.  
“Supreme Leader, it’s so good to see you have recovered.” The smile playing around his pale lips was malicious.

Kylo didn’t reply but simply took place in his seat on the other head of the table, making a point out of throwing his cloak aside to sit. He was trying to remain calm, Erin realised. She could see how the leather around his knuckles stretched as he clutched the armrests of his seat.  
Aurora en Erin took the seats next to him in silence, and Erin had to fight the urge to put her hand over his. She could feel the turmoil within him. Instead she crossed her arms in front of her chest, staring at Hux harshly.  Kylo’s face looked bored and handsome, like a statue, but behind his eyes a fire was raging.  
“General Hux.”  
His voice made the faces in the room turn white, even Hux’s.  
“I trust by now you’ve heard that there are survivors of the New Republic on Moar.” He started, cool and collected.  
“Yes, Supreme Leader.” Hux replied carefully.

Kylo now turned to the rest of the room as he rose from his seat and walked around the room.

“The survivors of the Hosnian Cataclysm have taken down my ship upon arrival, killing the entire crew. Now I would like to know why there was no back up from the First Order for three days after our distress signal.”

He turned back to Hux now, taking a few large steps to get closer to him, staring him down as they stood in front of each other.  
Erin glanced at Aurora to see if anyone else felt nervous about this situation escalating, she could tell Aurora shared her concern.

Hux had his answer ready, like he had probably had it ready even before Kylo left for Moar.

“There has been a disruption in our signals. I’ve ordered the technicians to get to the bottom of it. Once we realized something was wrong we immediately engaged in a rescue mission, successfully I might ad.”  
Hux turned to look at Erin, and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, she wanted to hurt him so badly for the lies he was telling.

“A disruption in our signals?” Kylo pressed on, moving closer to general Hux as everyone in the room held their breath. Erin could tell how Bass Ren moved in closer, was he protecting Hux?  
“No one could’ve foreseen that there would be survivors after what we did to the Hosnian system, let alone that they would form a threat to the First Order still. What exactly is it you’re implying, commander?” Hux hissed now.  
“I’m implying you’ve been careless and incompetent, general. Something that isn’t supposed to be taken lightly. I trust you will do anything within your power to make sure the Republic does not form a threat to the First Order again.”  
Kylo turned to look at the men at the table, pointing at one of them.  
“You.” The man gulped. “I want you to get me all logs on communications that day.” He turned back to Hux.  
“If there’s been any disruption I will find out what caused it.”

“Sir..” Hux started, attempting to regain control of the meeting.  
“You.” Kylo pointed at another man, across the table this time. “I want a list of all humans and droids present on the bridge the days of the attack.”

“And you.” Kylo pointed his leather glove at the third man that had been nervously pulling at the hem of his uniform, he looked up quickly. “Get together a squad to go back to Moar for another recon mission.”  
“But that would be suicide, sir..” the man sputtered.

“Would it, now?” Kylo replied coldly, using the force to shut the man up before looking back at Hux. “It would be suicide, general Hux?”

The choking sounds of the man filled the room and Erin clenched her jaw.

The general’s eyes moved from Kylo to the man and back before finally meeting Kylo’s heartless gaze.

“Do it.” Hux told the man while looking at his Supreme Leader in disdain. Kylo turned to the man again and narrowed his eyes for a moment.

“Take the general’s best men.” He said. “This mission is important to the general and the First Order.”  
Hux didn’t flinch although his left eye twitched slightly.

“The three of you are dismissed.” Kylo spoke as he pulled back his hand and stopped Force choking the man. The three captains quickly shuffled out of the room, and as the sliding door shut behind them everyone turned back to look at the two men in front of them.

 

***  
  
Kylo had not felt such anger since Snoke’s death. As the door slid closed he raised his arm toward the general. Using the Force to lift him up and forcefully throw him against the closest wall, keeping him pinned up against the cold metal. Killing him right here and now was so tempting.

  
He noticed how Erin shot up from her seat, followed by Aurora. Both of them didn’t speak and he was surprised when Bass did. His voice distorted from his mask and Kylo wondered why he was still wearing it.  
“Kylo, easy now.”  
“He tried to kill me, Bass.” Kylo snarled at the man. Bass had always been unintelligent. Surely he was strong with the Force and in combat, but he wasn’t the smartest, even Luke had known it.  
“I’m sure the general didn’t try to kill you, you’re just being paranoid. Like you always are.”  
Kylo dropped Hux to the ground now and directed the Force toward Bass, catching him by surprise as he pinned him against the opposite wall.  
“ _What did you say_?” Kylo stepped closer, his voice sharp.  
Bass was fighting back, straining to push back with the Force to keep from choking under Kylo’s hold.

“You heard me. You’re paranoid.”

Kylo pressed harder now, taking the breath from Bass. He could hear Aurora whimper from across the room as her brother struggled to breathe.  
“Listen to the man, Ren. It’s understandable for someone in your position to become suspicious but...” Hux had joined the game again, and Kylo raised his other arm to give him the same treatment he did Bass.

“Don’t take me for a fool!” Kylo roared before turning to Bass again. Bass, the man he had known ever since they were boys. The man who had followed him when Snoke had asked them to ruin Luke’s Jedi temple and join him. He pulled off his mask and threw it to the ground and he could tell by the look in his eyes that the man was scared.

“Why are you defending him?” Kylo asked, his voice low and curious in a dark way.

“Kylo, stop!” Aurora yelled from across the room, but he didn’t listen. It was easy to keep Hux pinned to the wall and turn to Bass, it was almost pathetic.  
“Tell me, why are you defending him?” Kylo pressed on, entering his mind now only to find what he had been afraid to. Bass had been loyal to Snoke, never to Kylo. Now that their leader was dead, he doubted Kylo to be able to follow in his footsteps. His alliance had shifted toward general Hux instead. The betrayal hurt more than he would’ve liked to and Kylo pulled back both arms, dropping Bass and Hux to the ground before looking down at his own feet. Suddenly drained from energy. He had always considered Bass an ally, maybe even more so than Aurora. They came from the same place, had done the same terrible things to get where they were now. And here he was, taking Hux’ side over his. Thinking he was an incapable monster, unworthy of his talents and legacy.

He opened the door with the Force, still looking down as his gaze drifted toward Bass who was catching his breath now.  
“You’ve made your choice.” Kylo said quietly before turning to the Stormtroopers that stormed into the room at the sight of struggle.  
“Take him to a holding cell.” He instructed before turning back to Hux as the Stormtroopers pulled Bass up and from the room.  
He towered over the man, looking down at him like he was filth.  
“Consider this your final warning. Don’t let your foolish pride ruin what the First Order has accomplished.”

Kylo stepped away from the barely conscious general and turned to look at the two women across the room. Aurora was standing perfectly still, her face pale as she avoided his gaze, turning to leave the room without being instructed to. Then he turned his gaze to Erin, her face unreadable. She didn’t speak, and her silence felt like a betrayal on its own as he stormed past her and out of the room.

 

 

There was a soft knock on the door and Kylo looked up from his feet. He had withdrawn to his quarters to consider what he was supposed to do about Bass’ betrayal. The thoughts in the man’s head had cut deeper than Kylo would’ve liked to let on. He knew they had never truly been friends, there was no such thing as friendship on the dark side. But he thought they had shared enough to deserve each other’s loyalty. In retrospect Kylo understood that he had never had Bass’ loyalty. It had always been Snoke. Snoke had had all of them, leaving no room for anyone else.

Another knock pulled Kylo from his thoughts and he got up to open the door, feeling intensely tired.

He had not expected it to be her.  
“Well that was quite the display, wasn’t it?” she said.  

 

***  
  
When the door opened, and his eyes met hers she could tell he was falling apart on the inside. She immediately regretted the words and her gaze softened.

“Are you alright?” she asked quietly.

Kylo didn’t respond and turned to walk back into his room, she followed, and the door closed behind her.

“What are you doing here, Erin?” he said, and his voice sounded worn-out.

She didn’t reply right away, walking around the room and toward the large window, she loved that it was like being amongst the stars in here.  When she turned and saw him defeated in the chair he was sitting in she walked up to him and kneeled down at his feet. She quietly took his hands in hers, carefully taking off his gloves before pressing a soft kiss to the back of his right hand. As she looked up at him she could see the torment in his eyes.

“I don’t know what to do.” He said quietly, and she knew he wasn’t only talking about what had happened earlier. His brown eyes were glistening, and he quickly looked down at their hands.

“I know.” She replied softly.

 He changed the subject suddenly, noticeably fighting back tears.

“How did you get out?” he asked.

Erin raised her brows slightly, her heart turning at the thought of her past and what he was asking her. She remained quiet for a moment, thinking back to her times at the arenas.  
“Someone bought me.”

This wasn’t a lie. Poe had pretended to be interested in buying slaves just to get them out.

Kylo met her gaze now, his eyes intense as he watched her face closely.  
“How did you leave something like that behind?” he asked again, and she knew he wasn’t just asking because he was curious, he was asking because he didn’t know how to get out of his own arena.  
“I didn’t.” she replied truthfully. “It feels like I’ve been running ever since.”

The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable and Kylo turned his hands to take hers into his and caressed them with his thumbs. He looked at them and seemed to be lost in thought before he started talking again.  
“I’ve never been alone like this.” He started.

Erin didn’t ask what he meant but instead waited for him to go on and tell his story.

“Ever since I can remember he’s been there, in my mind. I felt him as a child, the darkness.”  
Kylo bit his lip for a moment before continuing.

“I could never sleep peacefully. Even as a baby. I remember my mother and father fighting over it, the darkness they felt within me that was keeping me up at night and making me unbearable during the day. Calling me a monster even when I didn’t know yet what a monster I truly am.”  
He looked away now, frowning deeply as his voice grew lower.

“Snoke always been in here. Even back then. He knew what I was supposed to be, he would tell me, guide me. Snoke was just always there…” he let go of her hands and hit his head over and over, as if he wanted to get something out of it.  
“And now it’s quiet and I don’t know what to do. I’m not even sure of who I am.”

Erin shook her head and got up quickly, pulling his hands from his face and back into hers.

“You’ll figure it out.” She said soothingly. “ _We’ll figure it out.”_  


	27. First

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a while to finish this chapter but I'm still here! I think we're at about 2/3 of the story and I'm super anxious and excited for what's coming in the future chapters. I've been watching SW again since it's been released and it's left me feeling super Kylo inspired, so here's a long chapter for you guys to enjoy. Hope you like it!

Kylo was staring at the dark ceiling of his room, unable to sleep. He had been tired forever he realized. And scared. He could hardly remember what it was like not to be ruled by fear.  
  
His entire childhood, his entire life and sense of self had been taken by the man he once saw as his wise mentor. And now he was to go on, on his own, knowing all the things he had done because of it. It was true that ever since Snoke had died he had found some rare nights of peaceful sleep. Some moments of a quiet mind because he simply was too tired to think. When Snoke had been alive there was an ever-present voice of hatred and discontent no matter where he went or what he did. Now that voice had changed into his own and was filled with self-loathing and despair. He remembered the look on his own fathers face the moment his lightsaber pierced through his old body. He had not been scared. For once in their lives, Han Solo had not been scared of his son and it had cost him his life.

 

He could remember his father was scared of him even as a child. He would never tell but it was there in his eyes and in the way he raised his voice during fights with his mother. The darkness that had been within Kylo had consumed not only him but their entire family. So, they had sent him away. They had made him join Luke. Luke who in the end wanted to kill him. His own uncle knew there had been no hope left in him and he had been right. Because how do you fight something that’s inside of you?  
  
Kylo had never felt so wanted and unwanted at the same time. There were so many people expecting him to be someone, the First Order, his mother, Luke, the Resistance, all of them wanting him to be a version of himself he did not recognize. And at the same time everyone seemed too scared to help him find his way. He had no loyal followers, no friends. Bass’ betrayal had only proven that. His power did not only scare him, but anyone that ever came near to him. How was he supposed to lead the galaxy if no one was willing to follow? How was he ever really going to change anything if no one would even listen, not even his own men. Fear crept up on him once again as the voice in his head convinced himself he was an unfit leader, a monster, a boy pretending to be a man like Snoke had always said. The power within him was a waste if he could not use it properly. The power within him was tearing him apart. And his weak heart, mind and body could barely contain it.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Ever since they shared his bed that night Erin could sense him through the Force in a way she had not been able to before. Like there was a line connecting them, and vibrations of his emotions were emitted to hers. It was uncomfortable at times, but most times it felt strangely soothing. Like proof that she wasn’t alone in the universe, not like she had always believed she was.

  
His anxiety mixed with her own however, kept her up at night. She could feel the restlessness through her body as she lay in her small and cold bed, staring up at the ceiling and only seeing his eyes in her mind. Staring back at her, searching for answers she didn’t know how to give him.  
  
His outbreak earlier that day in the briefing room had not surprised her and for the first time since she’d seen his power she wasn’t scared. She understood. She understood what it felt like to have that power stir inside of you, not knowing how to wield it properly. And she understood that he had felt neglected and betrayed his entire life, and that this was the reason he was lashing out. Of course, she believed that Hux deserved it, if it was up to her and it wouldn’t mean strategical suicide she would’ve killed the man right there and then. In fact, if anything went wrong on this mission to bring Ben Solo home, taking Hux down would be the one thing she’d do for the Resistance. Erin knew it wasn’t right to want to kill someone out of revenge, but it was an urge she simply couldn’t fight.  
She sat up in her bed, rubbing her face to try and push the thoughts from her mind that were keeping her from sleeping. She was in so deep she didn’t see a way out. She needed to clear her mind. And the only way she could was by movement, she needed to get things out of her system. Erin left her room in simple form fitting black, her uniform would only hinder her movements. The hallways seemed unusually busy this night and she could sense the tension like it was a tangible thing. Even the Stormtroopers seemed inconsistent, moving through the halls somewhat awkwardly and less cohesive as usual. Things were changing within the First Order and Erin wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. They were growing more and more powerful, and both Erin and Kylo knew this was mainly thanks to Hux. He was an excellent commander, fully in control of his army, strategically cunning and strangely popular. Erin was beginning to think maybe being Force sensitive wasn’t always a good thing, it made Kylo less approachable as a leader and more privileged than the many men following him.

 

As she entered the training quarters she was happy to see she wasn’t alone. Usually she liked the place to herself, but ever since she returned from her rogue rescue mission she found herself anxious to be alone. At least Hux wouldn’t be able to kill her in front of these men, was he?

She hated feeling scared of a man like that. She hated feeling scared at all, and she had not feared her life like this in a long time. Of course, she knew joining the First Order as a spy for the Resistance wasn’t going to be easy, it wasn’t going to be safe, but things were falling apart.  
She channeled the fear that was tugging at her heart and directed it into fighting the simulated target in front of her, taking in everything she had recently learned.  
The two men training at the other end of the room were watching her intently and Erin tried to block them out, to focus on the task at hand. It was hard not to hear their hushed mumbles as they were talking about her. She wasn’t used to being paid attention to, but she knew her little adventure had not gone unnoticed amongst the lower ranks within the First Order. She just wasn’t sure what it had done to her reputation just yet.  
The anxiety left her body with every hit and kick to the target in front of her and Erin knew that if she tired herself out enough, she’d be able to sleep tonight. With each move she grew more determined to push through, growing more confident that there had to be a way out of this mess. A way out with him. She was beginning to realize she was reluctant to leave without him, to even think of being without him. The thought of leaving him in this place, alone, was unbearable. She knew he was powerful, stronger than anyone she had ever met, but he was also being consumed by this place, these people and the struggle within him.

“Leave. Now.”

Erin turned quickly as she was taken aback by a voice cold as ice. It took her a few moments to catch her breath as she looked back at him, the men quickly shuffling to gather their belongings and leave the room.  
Hux was smiling, it was a callous sight to see. His lips were almost as white as his skin, and his red hair was pushed back so tightly to his head it seemed almost like a helmet. His hands were clasped behind his back as he took a few steps toward her.

“Agarun.”

The smile wasn’t fading, and Erin’s chest heaved while she still tried to catch her breath. Her hands balled into fists and she met his gaze defiantly.    
“General.” She simply replied, her voice flat.

He didn’t come closer, almost hesitant as his eyes moved down to her hands and back to her face.

“I imagine you’re quite proud of your recent activities.” He stated, standing perfectly still.

“I only did what anyone in my position would do.” She replied.

Hux smiled again, nodding slowly as he looked down at the floor for a moment before fixing his eyes on hers again.

“And what exactly _is_ your position, Agarun?”  
“I serve the Supreme Leader. Keeping him alive is part of the job description. I know I’ve gone against your orders, general. But the Supreme Leader _should and will_ always come first.”

Erin turned back to her target now, lifting her fists in front of her face, ready to engage with the simulation in front of her. She had made her point and remained respectful, professional even.

From the corner of her eyes she saw him shake his head, he took a few steps and was now directly behind her.

“I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

There was something eerie in his voice now and Erin tried not to flinch. Remaining focused on the target in front of her but not moving to fight. Frozen in place. Hux moved closer, almost close enough to feel his body heat on her back but not quite.

“I’ve seen you sleeping by his side in the med bay, waiting for his recovery.”

He shook his head again.

“You may be serving Ren, but you’re not serving the First Order.”  

Erin turned quickly now, looking up into his fox like face and she felt herself burn with anger, but she couldn’t find the words to reply.  
“How did you get this far?” he looked down at her and for a moment his face seemed to soften into something resembling curiosity. She could remember him looking at her like that before, when she still worked for him. He did admire power, strength and talent above all. Was that what he was seeing in her now?  
“You know how. You’ve used me for what I can do. I’d say I’ve served the First Order more than most.”

Her words were driven by anger as she tried to convince Hux of her loyalty and she felt anxious under his scrutiny. The general narrowed his eyes at her and smiled that smile again, it sent shivers up her spine and Erin quickly took a step back.

Hux was not convinced.

“You care for him.” He continued and the look on his face was one of amusement. “How charming.”  
Erin was wise enough not to reply.  
“You’re a fool.” Hux rolled his eyes at her. “Supreme Leader Ren is nothing more but a monster and everyone knows it. He’ll rule for a while, and poorly so, before inducing his own downfall. He’s nothing more but a child. A child to those filthy rebels nonetheless.”

Erin snapped. She had had enough of his words, of the way he looked at her and the way he spoke about Kylo, about Leia and the Resistance. It was too much. She roared out in anger and Force hit him back to the ground with a loud thud. The man looked up at her in shock, the way he had when she choked him at the med bay.  He pulled at his jacket to straighten it before glaring at her.

“How did you get this much power?” Hux spat now, his face full of jealousy and disdain. He pointed at her as if she was something dirty.

“Him..I understand. He’s a Skywalker. But you…? _Who are you?”_

It was the question she feared the most. The question especially Hux should not be asking. The question that could kill her and everything she was fighting for. She was never supposed to stand out, and now she did, more than anyone ever had.

 

Relief washed over Erin as they were disturbed by several men entering the room. They looked at the scene in confusion and Erin quickly moved to help Hux up. The general let her, his eyes fixed upon her face as if he could read the answer to his question there.

“This isn’t over.” He whispered as he quickly stepped back and away from her, smoothing back his hair. As he turned to leave the room, everyone was watching him.  
“What are you looking at?” he snapped, and as Erin’s heart pounded wildly in her chest general Hux left the training quarters with a very dangerous question in his mind.

  
***

  
The past few days had been entirely about the survivors of the Republic on Moar. Kylo had instructed Aurora to help monitor the recon mission to Moar. The first ship that went got shot out of the air even before landing. Now they had sent a small fleet of skilled pilots, equipped to attack if necessary and they seemed to be making progress. Aurora had reported back to him at least three times a day sharing her insights on the mission while also providing him with information on the previous mission that had almost caused him his life. It was as if she wanted to prove her loyalty now that her brother was kept unconscious in a holding cell. Kylo wondered if it was simply because she still hoped to save him or if she really was loyal to him and his cause. Erin had told him the latter was true, and he was starting to see she might have been right.

 

He had tried his best to keep Hux out of anything that had to do with Moar, and to his surprise the general had seemed preoccupied. However suspicious this made him, Kylo was thankful to catch a break from the man. He had not yet figured out what to do with him or Bass, avoiding the holding cell he was held in for days now. He knew that if he was only driven by anger Bass wouldn’t survive for long, and something in him was dreading to kill yet another person who had once meant something to him. Back when Snoke was alive he wouldn’t have had time to think or reconsider, he would have proven his loyalty to his master by doing anything he asked of him. But now that he was able to make decisions for himself, things didn’t seem as black and white as they had before. Killing to prove something to someone else was easier than killing to prove something to yourself. He had done it once, and instead of convincing himself of his own strengths it had only made his weakness grow.

 

Hardly anyone was allowed on the bridge after Hux’ betrayal. It was quiet, almost peaceful as the soft murmur of working men drowned out the thoughts in his head. He was beginning to regain a purpose, at least for now. First he would find the last of the Republic and take whoever they would find as prisoners, he would find out how many of them had survived, and he would take any information they had even if they wouldn’t give it up willingly. He wouldn’t let them stand in his way, he wouldn’t let them bring any more chaos to where there should be order. And after that he would deal with Hux, he would show the men that were so loyal to him that he was nothing compared to their Supreme Leader, allowing him to dig his own grave through failure and incompetence.

 

 

***  
  
  
She had not found him on the bridge nor at the holding cells and so she went to look for him at his private quarters, carrying a thin see-through tablet in her hand. Erin had used her strength in the Force to find out who else had been responsible for what had happened to Kylo on Moar. She had found the people accountable for blocking the communications signals to make it look like they were having technical difficulties. It was no surprise Hux had ordered them to do so, but she had gathered all information on the men who had helped him along with the communication logs that showed the call for help had come through. She knew handing Kylo this information might mean these men were about to die, and if Erin was honest with herself she wanted them to. She hated herself for it, but revenge for what they had done didn’t sound so bad to her right now. This place was changing her, she could feel it. The way people treated each other here and what they did for power was beyond horrific. The First Order was a toxic environment and Erin could feel herself changing because of it. The hate that had been installed within her ever since the murder on her parents had only seemed to grow in this place, opening up old wounds she thought had closed a long time ago. Maybe she never really coped with everything that had happened. Maybe that’s why she would end up in fight after fight with her closest friends because she simply had never healed from her past. How could she care for someone else, truly care, if she couldn’t care for herself?  
  
The knock on his door was soft, almost hesitant. Erin felt so very tired. Tired of keeping her guard up, of always staying one step ahead and watching her back.  Attacking Hux the night before had not helped her either, the use of the Force had left her feeling drained, and his question about who she was had kept her up at night.

The door slid open in front of her but there was no one behind it. She knew Kylo could sense her through the Force, he knew she was the one at his door and so she entered his private quarters with quiet steps.

 

It was still strange to be there. The room seemed so private, like she was entering a piece of his mind. Kylo was sitting in a chair looking down at something in his lap, he was reading. He looked so much younger when his face was relaxed like it was now, his lashes dark against the light skin of his face. She noticed how he slightly pursed his lips in concentration and how his chest rose and fell calmly as he breathed. He looked beautiful, silent, calm and powerful. Like an ocean. The moment was gone before she could really take it in and he looked up at her, putting down what he was reading. She was surprised to see it had been an actual book.

 

His eyes softened at the sight of her, they looked kind as he rose from his black leather chair. She could hear the door close behind her and glanced down at the tablet in her hand, activating it with the touch of her finger to its cool surface. When she looked back up he was right in front of her, raising his hands to cup her face gently, gazing into her eyes as if he was looking for something. His hands were warm, covering the sides of her face as he slowly ran them down her skin in a tender caress. He sighed, a deep and tired sound.  
Erin looked down at the tablet again and selected the files she had gathered.  
“I have information on the alleged signal disturbance. The communication signal was blocked from the main communication unit at the bridge and it has been done deliberately from within the First Order. Com logs, names and technical specifications, it’s all here.” Erin’s voice was flat with weariness as she handed him the files. His hands moved from her cheeks and brushed past hers as he took the tablet from her. Staring down at the information without reading it, his eyes not moving as his face looked sad instead of angry like she had expected. Kylo looked back up at her.

“Thank you.” He said quietly.

“You’re welcome.” She replied, nodding curtly as she turned on her heels, ready to leave the room.  
“Erin?”

“Yes?” She turned just in front of the door to look at him.  
“What’s wrong?” his voice sounded sincere and the look in his eyes was earnest. He looked worried.

Erin looked down to avoid his gaze and shook her head, taking in a deep breath before looking back up.

“Are you going to kill them?” she asked, quietly. She almost sounded like a young girl again.  
Kylo contemplated her question for a moment, the way he always did. He wouldn’t just answer to give her what she wanted to hear.

“Do you want me to?” he countered her question, and this surprised her. It was Erin’s time to contemplate now and she frowned in confusion. Kylo walked up to her and reached out to take her hand in his, playing with her fingers as he looked down at them.

“Our hands have taken many lives.” He stated quietly.  
Erin looked down at their joined hands now too, watching his fingertips run down the insides of her fingers slowly.

“Do you remember the first?” he asked, looking up at her with what could only be described as misery in his eyes. She could tell he remembered the first life he took, and it wasn’t a good memory. Erin glanced away and beyond him, haunted by the past as she took in a deep and shaky breath. She had never spoken about this with anyone, not even Poe. He would look at her like she was a monster and maybe she was.

“I was young. Too young to be taking lives.”  
Kylo tugged at her hand, pulling her towards the chairs, carefully guiding her to sit as he sat down opposite her and leaned in, his eyes intently watching her face.  
“You can talk to me, Erin.” It was as much a statement as a plea, he wanted her to open up to him. And so, she did.

 

***  
  
He watched her face closely, his elbows pressing into his knees as he leaned forward wanting to be as close as he could to her. Great sorrow clouded her eyes and he could tell she was lost in the past for a moment. Sometimes he forgot how young they both were, but he could see it now, the youthfulness of her soft skin, how her eyes were so bright even through the sadness. Her hair was pulled back from her face, making her eyes look big, their almond shape more evident. He could sense the conflicting emotions within her as easily as he could his own.  
“Young slaves don’t fight to death. Or at least, we weren’t supposed to. They would train us to become stronger and more valuable over time, so we would raise more money.”  
Her voice was calm and steady now and Kylo admired her bravery as he watched her lips move with every word.

“They invest as little as possible into taking care of slaves. There’s never enough food or water or space. So, eventually as we got older they would pit us against each other, making us fight for survival and what little food and water there was. A cruel natural selection, in a way. Two slaves, one fight, one survivor. I was selected to fight that morning to a boy that had been there even longer than I had. But he didn’t wait until the fight. He came at night, and the others just watched.”  
Kylo watched as tears started to well up in her eyes, he didn’t move to touch her as it seemed inappropriate to bring her back like that from wherever she was in the past.

“He was taller and stronger. So, I had to be smart. It was raining that night. And our bunks were hardly covered properly so the rain kept pouring down, making everything slippery. He broke my ribs, I broke his nose, he broke my hand, I stabbed his arm, he tried to choke me and _they all just watched_. They knew that someone else’s survival most likely meant their death…”

She shrugged and Kylo could imagine her as a child fighting for her life, he now understood where that wildness in her came from. She continued, her voice slightly higher and the pace of her words becoming faster as if she wanted the story to end.  
“…I got on top of him, pushed him down with my weight… but I didn’t know how to end it. I didn’t know if I could. And the rain was making it hard to hold on and I knew that if he got out from my grip that he would kill me, so I saw a puddle of mud and I held his face down. I was crying as he kept fighting me, hoping he would _just stop moving_. And I pushed and pushed until he wasn’t fighting anymore, because he was dead.”

She looked up at him now and there was a void in her eyes that made him feel cold.  
“His name was Aleksei and he was fourteen. I remember every single one of them.”  
He didn’t want to patronize her by saying the wrong thing. There was no right thing to say to a story like that and he knew it. He could try and make her feel better by telling her she had done nothing wrong, that she wasn’t a monster like she was thinking she was, but he understood that she would never believe it. Because he felt the same. So instead he got up from his chair, crouching down in front of hers like she had done just days ago. He put his hand tenderly to her cheek and could see how her eyes changed from ice to something warmer. She took a deep breath and sighed, as if she could finally breathe again and he moved to press his lips to hers. She was warm, her lips full and soft and slightly hesitant against his and as he took a deep breath he could smell the sweet scent of her skin. He pulled back just slightly, resting his forehead to hers as his brown eyes looked into her almost black ones, silently promising he was right there for her. He pulled her closer, enveloping her in his arms as he could feel her tense frame relax against his chest.

“I’ll end them, someday.” His voice quiet but certain. “Those arenas. I’ll have them destroyed.”

He could hear her sigh as she shook her head and he could sense how tired she was.  
“Kylo…”

He ignored her protest and pulled her closer.

“You should stay here tonight. Get some rest.” He mumbled into her hair and could feel her nod. Maybe tonight they would finally both get some rest.


	28. Ready

She was sleeping.

 

They had spent the evening talking, pretending to be in a different place and a different life. Pretending they weren’t at war with the universe and the people around them and it had felt unfamiliarly comfortable. For the first time in what seemed to feel like forever Kylo had felt calm and _heard_ and _human_. He knew they had been denying the reality that was their situation, that they were only fooling themselves. But it was nice to breathe for a change.   
  
Her story about what had happened at the arenas had made it easier for him to open up about the things that had happened to and because of him and she had listened with openness and without judgement. He had told her about Luke and the moment he turned to the dark side and she had told him about the memories she had of her parents. He had even told her about his childhood. About the disappointment he had felt when he found out his father wasn’t the war hero he had believed him to be but rather a complete disappointment. And how his mother always chose others over him even when he had needed her most. How he had sensed that everyone around him was scared of what had been growing inside him but that he had felt most scared of all. He was surprised to feel himself open up and hear himself talking about issues Snoke had never allowed him to discuss before.

Their conversations were delicate and fragile, slightly awkward at times, but he could tell she grew more comfortable as the night progressed and so did he. Her posture less stiff and her movements less calculated as she crossed her legs sitting on his bed like it was exactly where she belonged while she talked about how her father made her fight trees because he had always wanted a son. She had smiled at the memory of him and for a moment Kylo could see a spark of light in her that reminded him of everything he had left behind. 

It was like peeling off layers, discovering something more beautiful under each one and he only hoped she could see the same in him. She didn’t speak of the light and dark, at least not explicitly, and he wondered what her stance was on all of it, but he didn’t ask. Afraid to burst the bubble with a conversation about politics and war. He didn’t want to ruin the calm that seemed to have come over her because it made him feel calm too. It made him wonder what his life would look like if he had chosen a different path. What his life would look like if Snoke had never found him.

 

And now she was sleeping.

 

Curled up in his black sheets she almost looked childlike. Her arms were bare and holding on to the sheets tightly, but he could tell she wasn’t cold. He could sense her through the Force and she was calm in a way he had not felt before. Almost peaceful although there was a hint of anxiety still present deep inside. She wasn’t dreaming, she was laying perfectly still as her body took the rest it so desperately needed. He was sitting next to her, listening to her steady and deep breaths but unable to sleep. Her hair was spread out over the pillow like a dark halo and he fought the urge to touch it. His hand rested next to her, touching the small of her back because he couldn’t bare the thought of not being connected to her like that. Kylo knew he wanted more of her than just to touch her, he wanted more than just the physical attraction that had been so overwhelming. He wanted her to care about him the way he did about her. He wanted to see her look at him like he meant something, something much more than Supreme Leader or her teacher in the Force, he wanted her to look at him like he was hers and he realized it was a very dangerous thing to want.

 

***

  
Erin woke up and felt restored, almost as if she was in a dream. The reality of her situation not quite dawning upon her yet as she stretched to find the bed was empty. She propped herself up on her elbows and looked around the room, the dark of space unchanged. The bed was made on his side, as if he had never been there. At the end she could see a pile of black garments, neatly folded and she moved to crawl toward them. Frowning slightly as she touched the fabric, holding it up in front of her to examine it. They were clothes, but not even close to being big enough for Kylo. They were women’s clothes, different from the usual uniforms. They looked black and formfitting, similar to his and similar to Aurora’s. Erin shifted quickly as she heard a sound come from the adjoined space, moving from the bed while still holding the clothes in her hands.

 

Kylo Ren was reading again. A book made out of paper was rare, and he was holding it with care. It looked old and brittle and intriguing.  He looked up immediately as she walked in, in his eyes the same careful compassion he had showed the night before.

“You look rested.” He stated, and his voice sounded satisfied.

“What’s this?” Erin held up the black fabric like it was something unfamiliar to her.

“They’re for you.” He said, and she could swear she heard something resembling amusement in his voice.

“I had them made for you.”

Erin raised a brow and was unsure if she should take his gesture as a compliment or an insult. A man choosing what she should wear seemed somewhat degrading.

“You had them _made for me_?” the words came out harsher than she had meant them, and she could tell Kylo was surprised as he put the book down and stared at her blankly.

“You don’t like them.”

It wasn’t a question.

“I don’t need them.” She responded. “I have clothes.”

He looked at her, his gaze traveling up and down her body as his head tilted slightly.

“Your uniform doesn’t fit you or your _position_. You should look more…” he contemplated before finishing his sentence. “Distinguished.”

Erin put the clothes over the chair opposite him and crossed her arms, looking at him boldly.   
“And what exactly _is_ my _position_?”

She repeated the word like he had said it, with emphasis and he met her gaze just as boldly. She could feel a shiver run up her spine and her heart fluttering in her chest. The air felt as if it was charged with electricity when he looked at her like that.

“You’re my advisor.” His voice was certain and deep and just as bold as his eyes were and it set a fire inside her that was hard to deny.

“You’re free to wear whatever you’d like, but I believe a woman like you deserves to be noticed for the right reasons.”

 

 

The clothes weren’t as bad as she thought they would be. In fact, they were more comfortable and close to what she would wear back home. The First Order uniforms were stiff and impractical at times, these new clothes suited her. Form fitting black accompanied by robes that were similar to Kylo’s, but less heavy and more subdued. She smiled slightly when she noticed there was no cloak or cape, relieved she wouldn’t look like something she wasn’t. The outfit was impressive in its simplicity even though she would hate to admit he had been right.    
Kylo had respectfully given her space to get dressed and now moved into the room quietly. Erin tugged at the lace of her boot as she had her foot propped up against his bed and looked up to see him across from it. His eyes were warm, almost smiling but his mouth didn’t move.

“I see you’ve decided to give your new attire a try.” He said smugly.

Erin shrugged as she stood tall.

“Maybe I’m just curious to see Hux’ face when he sees I’m not wearing the uniform.”    
The man in front of her smirked, his full lips pulling at up at the sides. It made her heart skip a beat, her stomach drop and her cheeks burn and Erin realized she was head over heels for him. Lost in everything he had been, was and could be.

 

***  
  
She looked undeniably beautiful. Maybe even more beautiful than the night he saw her in the red velvet dress at Canto Bight. Her hair was still down, pulled over one shoulder like he knew she did when she was concentrating or telling a story. She had done it the night before, several times. Her graceful hands moving through the dark hair like it was silk. It was almost as dark as the fabric of the robes that were so similar to his. She looked impressive and strong. Kylo knew she didn’t need clothes to look that way, and maybe it was just because she wore them with confidence, but he couldn’t deny that they made her look powerful and strangely his. He knew he could never own something that was supposed to be wild like her, but she looked like they belonged like this, similar, equal, standing together.

  
When she joked about the senseless general Hux, Kylo couldn’t help but chuckle at her attitude. Of course, she wouldn’t tell him he had been right about the clothes, he had never expected her to.

He could tell how her cheeks changed color and her eyes intensified and the sight of her like that sparked a desire in him that couldn’t go unanswered. He walked up to her slowly, never breaking eye contact, knowingly affecting her with his intense gaze. He could tell how her breathing became uneven, her lips already parted to welcome his. He recognized desire in her like electricity running through the air between them and it was irresistibly seductive.

It was the first time she made the first move, rushing over the bed and toward him. Her hands were up in his hair first, pulling his head down so his lips could meet hers.

He eagerly answered her as his hands moved to the small of her back to pull her closer, fingertips pressing through the fabric of her clothes and into her skin. His desire for her had only grown after the few vulnerable moments they had shared. Kylo moved his hands down and to her hips, rushing them upward to enclose around her waist and lift her up so he wouldn’t have to bend to kiss her. She responded by moving her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, her hands still eagerly moving through the black of his hair.

He growled impatiently against her lips, turning quickly to pin her up and against the wall so his hands were free to touch more of her.

She gasped for air as her back hit the black steel of the wall and the sound made him bite her lower lip teasingly. She was the one to growl softly now and the sound of it made him swallow, pulling back slightly to look at her. His eyes clouded by lust as she stared back at him, clearly out of breath before taking his face in her hands and pulling him for another passionate kiss.

He opened himself up to her through the Force and her lust and passion added to his and turned into a dangerous mixture. Kylo boldly moved his lips to her neck, the scent of her hair driving him crazy as he nipped at the skin. The gesture seemed to please her, and he could feel her fingertips dig into his shoulders fervently. He was starting to grow restless now as Erin started to tug at his garments and removed the top half of them so quickly she scratched his skin in places. The sensation, mixed with that of her lips on his chest and shoulders, was more than he could take, and he pressed himself against her. He knew she could feel what she did to him as she inhaled sharply and shifted her hips to meet his. They were quick and impatient now, removing only the parts of clothing that were in the way of what they wanted. They were messy and the heat of the moment took complete control over them. Kylo didn’t take the time to move her to his bed and Erin didn’t seem to want him to as he took what he so eagerly desired, _her_.

Pressed up against the wall, his hands intertwined with hers over her head as they moved quick and rough and in unison. He let go of her hands to feel her arms drop around his neck, his hands quickly traveling down to her hips so he was able to pull her even closer. He didn’t want to hurt her but the way her nails dug into the skin of his broad shoulders told him there was no need to worry. She followed his lead and he kept himself from going over the edge to watch her like this for just a moment before lust got the better of him.

 

Her head was resting on his shoulder as he kept her flush against the wall. She breathing as heavily as he was, and he enjoyed how she was clinging to him with her entire body, trembling like a leaf. He enjoyed being able to do this to her, and he enjoyed how she held onto him like she needed him. With her he felt wanted. And it was a feeling he didn’t want to go away.

 

***  
  
Erin had no idea what she was doing.

 

She kept telling herself to get her act together as she got dressed again. They were at war and here she was giving in to her desires. She could feel Kylo move behind her, his body heat intensifying as he pulled her closer and kissed her neck again. She rolled her eyes back, shivers running up her spine at the sensation of his full lips on her skin. He nipped at the skin again and the feeling made the hairs on her entire body stand up. She pushed him back playfully and shook her head as she pulled her hair back and up into a long ponytail.

She was still trembling, barely able to stand as she turned to face him.

Kylo looked flustered in a good way. His hair ruffled, cheeks pink and his eyes wild. He was unquestionably handsome, and he knew it.

The safety of falling asleep wasn’t saving them from the awkwardness that was waiting for them now like it had the first time this happened. Erin was unsure of what to say or how to act, she only knew she wanted to keep looking at him.

“Are you ready?” he asked, smirking dangerously over something Erin had no idea about.

“For what?” she asked awkwardly.   
“We never got to finish your lesson before I left.” He said, suddenly serious. She knew he was taking her training serious, he had told her so before and he had shown it every time he pushed her to the edge of her abilities. The truth was Erin had not thought about learning the ways of the Force ever since she knew Kylo had been in danger. It had seemed entirely unimportant. But through all that had happened she knew she had grown stronger, she had seen what she could do to Hux if she set her mind to it. She was ready to show him, wanting to make him proud, however wrong that might be. Threading further into the dark, following him maybe even blindly.

“I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to take time to put more into Kylo and Erin and their personalities in between all the action that's been going on. I hope you liked this chapter focusing on the developing relationship between these two and on the more human aspects of it. I really liked exploring the balance in their characters and relationship, the vulnerable versus lust, the mind versus the body and I'm hoping you enjoyed is as much as I did!


	29. Ben

Her eyes were fixed on his back as she followed him down the halls. She watched the way his frame moved from side to side when he walked and noticed how his hair had gotten longer, touching the place where the back of his neck met his shoulders. It still looked ruffled from what had happened between them just moments before. Erin glanced down at her hands and they were still trembling. She could still feel his touch, she could still feel his lips on her skin and the thought of it made her feel warm and strangely happy. When she looked back up she saw Kylo glance back over his shoulder, she knew he could sense what she was feeling, and she wasn’t ashamed. She wanted him to know. He deserved to know he make someone feel something positive, that he wasn’t a monster to her.

 

When they arrived at the training quarters they weren’t alone, his low and demanding voice was quiet but strong as he spoke to the men fighting droid targets.

“Leave us.”

They murmured a “Yes, Supreme Leader” in unison and shuffled out of the room quickly. Erin watched them go and wished they could all only see what she saw in him. If they weren’t so scared of him, they might’ve been wanting to follow him. Maybe even down a better path. She watched as they walked down the hall before turning back to face Kylo. His had turned away from her, his hands clasped behind his back and his legs hip width apart. This made her feel like he was bracing himself for something, his stance too tense to just be waiting. She noticed the slightest flick of his fingers and braced herself right before she felt the Force on the edges of her mind, pressing on her skull like something warm and heavy. She instantly pushed back, outraged Kylo dared to try and get into her head after everything.

Erin narrowed her eyes, concentrating hard on keeping him out, her strength in the Force fueled by the anger building up inside her. Why would he do this?  
He wouldn’t stop pushing and she could see him turn around, raising his arm with his palm toward her. His face was strained, but didn’t show anger or frustration, instead his eyes were shining with interest and pride as he pushed even more. Erin could feel how he got to her latest memories, the ones of them together, how she had felt when she listened to him talk about his past, and her run in with Hux. When she sensed hesitation in the Force she pushed back hard, shutting him out as she watched his arm drop to his side. She quickly turned, storming to the other side of the room as she let out a groan of frustration.

“You’ve grown stronger.” Kylo stated calmly.

“I told you not to do that.” Erin hissed at him, glaring at him from the other side of the training quarters. She was breathing heavily, party out of concentration but mostly out of anger.

“What happened..with Hux?” Kylo went on, ignoring her apparent show of emotion.

“If you wanted to know, you could’ve asked.”

“You wouldn’t tell me, and you know it.”

He was right.

And just as she was about to consider telling him about Hux, he attacked her mind again. Shamelessly, his face showing no sign of emotion as his eyes were fixed upon her. Erin roared and pushed him out immediately.

“Stop it!”

“Make me.” His voice was calm but determined and Erin realized he was doing what he had always done while training her. Pushing her to her breaking point. She hated it.

She could sense him explore a different path. It was a very violating thing to have someone trespass into your mind without consent.  The sensation was strange, as if her memories were conjured and she could see all of it again while never losing sight of her surroundings. She could feel he was there in her mind, sometimes it hurt, like when he was pushing like this, and sometimes it was calm, as if he was searching. She _knew_ what he was seeing, where he was going, she could _sense_ it. Erin closed her eyes to concentrate, his strength was overwhelming but she wanted to resist him, to show him she could. She didn’t mean to think about him. She didn’t mean to show Kylo his face. But when she thought about Eloi she couldn’t help it. Memories of the boy that was her only friend and family at the arenas came rushing back. Like water that couldn’t be stopped. Memories of when they first met, back when his eye socket was broken when he was just a little boy. How she held him close when they slept even when he was growing too old to do so. The way they would laugh together and how she would help him get better at fighting. She felt Kylo push further, digging deeper and her anger grew so strong it overwhelmed her. And this time she didn’t only push his strength in the Force out from her mind, but he was pushed back against the far wall of the room.  
  
Silence.

 

The room was completely silent except for their weary breathing. Erin was shaking heavily, tears rolling down her cheeks as she knew she may have betrayed one of the people she cared most about in life. If this went wrong, if Kylo Ren would turn on her, Eloi would be in danger too. She had put him in danger. Her voice was shaking when she spoke, out of anger and sadness, she wasn’t quite sure which was stronger at this point.

“You want to see so badly?” she yelled now, walking up to Kylo who was still on the floor, propped up against the wall. He watched her intently, she couldn’t quite tell what he was feeling. She kneeled down, her knees harshly colliding with the floor as she let herself drop down in anger. She grabbed his hand roughly, placing it against her cheek like she had before and opened the part of her mind she knew he was looking for. The Force connected them violently, as if it was channeling her anger toward him. Erin showed him what had happened with Hux the night at the training quarters but she didn’t stop there, she showed him what had happened the night she almost choked the life out of him while she had been at Kylo’s side guarding his life. She let him feel her anger and desperation and even something much deeper than both, the burning compassion she had felt for him while she was defending his life. With a jolt that felt almost like electricity his hand dropped from her face.

He looked up at her with eyes filled with guilt and regret.

Erin shook her head, suddenly tired as she closed her eyes and sighed.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at her with those eyes drowning in sorrow.

“Not like this.”

 

***  
  
He watched as she got up. She looked broken and Kylo feared he had pushed her too far. He was so obsessed with discovering the limits of her strength that he had forgotten she could have weaknesses. He got to his feet quickly and watched as she moved toward the door, her steps quick and larger than normal, she was in a hurry. A slight panic washed over him as he watched her go, shaking his head for no one to see.

“I’m sorry.” He said, making sure his voice was loud and clear, making it sound harsher than he had meant it to.

“I’m sorry…” he tried again, softer this time. And with the softening of his voice he watched her shoulders soften too, feeling relieved as she turned around.

“There’s another way.” He nodded encouragingly. Erin’s eyes were cold, her walls up, not only emotionally but in the Force as well. He couldn’t sense her and it made him feel blind. The girl walked closer hesitantly, and he couldn’t deny that she looked dangerously beautiful when angry. It was a strange feeling to him to want to make someone feel better. To want someone to feel something positive. It made him think of Luke, and the training they had done together. Snoke was never really opposed to that part of his training, he had even found it valuable, but Kylo had closed himself off from that part of the Force for so long it felt wrong to even think about it. Surely Snoke had encouraged him to use the Light occasionally, to gain a strong and unique position within the Force, but Snoke’s ways had been dark and filled with anger, desperation and insecurity. His training along Luke had been based on opening up to the Force, not wielding it out of anger, it was about being vulnerable.

Erin’s arms were crossed in front of her chest and she was watching him warily, to be honest he was surprised she was still there.

“How…” he watched her curiously now before continuing. “How do you do that?”

He gestured to how she put his hand to her head, allowing him to see. He had his theories on how she was doing it, but he couldn’t quite figure out what exactly it was she was doing.

The girl’s eyes narrowed slightly as she looked at him in confusion, surely she had expected him to have all the answers but when she seemed to realize he was genuinely interested her arms dropped to her sides and she shrugged insecurely.

“I just…” she seemed to think and consider the right words. “I just conjure the memory and trust in you.”

Her voice was still distant but he could hear she was giving him a chance.

“Trust?” he uttered the word quietly, considering its meaning.

Her brows pulled together as she tried to think of a way to explain herself more clearly.

“Yes, I trust you to listen. That’s what it feels like…like I’m telling you something and I know you’ll listen.”

Kylo watched her intently, lost in thought for a moment. He had already seen what she could do, that she had mastered the one thing he was trying to teach her before he had left for Moar. Even though it had been out of hatred toward Hux, it had also been out of protection toward him. And she had done it again just here and now, Force slamming him into the wall. She was emotional surely, but she was also strong. Maybe stronger than he had initially thought. Her powers however, seemed to manifest differently from his, from a place that wasn’t as dark. Which was why he allowed himself to open up to a side he had long ago forsaken.

“Where do you feel safe?” he asked, and when he realized the question might seem intrusive he clarified himself quickly. “On this ship. Where do you feel at ease?”

Erin frowned again, one of her dark eyebrows moving up as she looked at him suspiciously before answering slowly.

“Why?”

“I want to show you something. But not here.”

Kylo glanced around quickly, hoping no one had already seen or heard their conversation.

 

***  
  
It was strange to have Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order, following _her_ down the hallways of _his_ flagship. Erin took quick steps, glancing around nervously as she led him to her private quarters. When they arrived at her door, Kylo didn’t seem nervous at all, he seemed at ease and maybe even still slightly remorseful over what he had done to her earlier.

Erin had not yet forgiven him but was curious nonetheless about what he wanted to show her. When he said there was another way to teach the ways of the Force she felt something shift in him, and the air around him and in both of them, something that felt _good_.

 

She opened the door and hurried into the room. It was small, almost too small of the both of them to comfortably stand, but it felt like the only safe place she knew. Aside from her home, wherever they might be now. Kylo followed her inside, waiting for the sliding door to close behind him as he passed by her and looked around. She could swear he looked surprised, as if he had never seen the inside of the quarters of those lower in rank.

Erin didn’t speak as she watched him. Kylo Ren could be a lot of things. Angry, arrogant, proud, spiteful, strong, powerful and ruthless. But right now, she didn’t see any of those things. She saw a young man, filled with curiosity, taking in his surroundings. She realized he must feel what she felt when she first entered his private quarters, the thought suddenly made her shy. Kylo turned, ever so slowly, before his gaze rested on her.    
“You should sit.” He said softly.

Erin sat down, on the ground, because there wasn’t much space for the both of them to sit. Kylo took place opposite her, the sight of him sitting with his legs crossed seemed to suit him strangely enough.

“Close your eyes.” His voice was smooth now, like velvet.

Erin frowned slightly, for a moment she felt afraid he would trick her again.

“I won’t…” his voice was a whisper filled with regret as he answered the thought. She looked at him and his eyes promised her he was speaking the truth.

Erin closed her eyes, resting her hands on her knees like she would when she would meditate, and took a deep breath. She felt strangely nervous.

“You can calm down, Erin.” The way he said her name made her feel warm inside, her heart skipping a beat.

“I won’t push you, not this time.” His voice seemed closer now but when she peeked he was still sitting opposite her, his eyes closed like hers.

“Just breathe.”

Erin was breathing slowly, unsure of what she was waiting for, but the moment of peace made it easier for her to let go of the anger she had been holding on to and while she still wasn’t ready to forgive Kylo, she felt calmer nonetheless.

 

***  
  
He knew she could do this even without him telling her what to do. He could already sense it. And so he opened his eyes to watch her. She looked graceful, her back straight and her small hands draped elegantly over her knees. When her face was at rest like this, it looked almost doll like, the corners of her mouth neutral, her brows soft. He knew he had hurt her just moments before, and even though he wanted to know about the boy he had seen in her mind, he decided not to push the subject because what he felt now was a calm emanating from her that she would need to open up to the Force in a way he had not taught her before. He had not shown her the way of the Force like this because he had been scared of it. Scared to open up to the light, scared to feel it. Because he was unworthy of it. Opening up to the Light side of the Force didn’t require anger or hatred, all it took was trust. The trust she had spoken of when showing him what was in her mind.

He didn’t guide her because he didn’t need to. She opened up by herself and he couldn’t follow her there, at least not yet. He could sense the Light through her, and it was a temptation he couldn’t handle. It was not that he did not believe in the Light, he felt like the Light didn’t believe in him. Like he was made to choose between two sides that together formed his soul.

The entire room filled with a calmness that seemed to make everything quiet and peaceful and for a moment Kylo felt like his old self, like the boy he had long ago given up on, the boy he had destroyed. The calmness felt like his mother’s embrace after a nightmare when he was a child, like the way he felt when his father would come home after a long trip, it felt like watching his parents love each other before everything went bad, the calmness felt like home, even if it was just for the slightest moment. And even though they didn’t touch, they weren’t even close, he could see her there. His eyes were wide open and he could see her sitting across from him, physically there, but in his mind’s eye he saw her elsewhere. Somewhere outside, on a planet, in silver moonlight that was reflecting off water and her dark hair that fell down her narrow shoulders. She was sitting by a lake, looking slightly older than she was now. She wasn’t looking at him, her eyes were closed and her face was relaxed. He wanted to see her more closely, and when he moved in she turned to look at him over her shoulder. Her smile was loving and wide, not the slight grin he had seen of her before, she looked so beautiful and happy it made his heart hurt.

“Ben.” She laughed softly, the sound was lovely. “There you are.”  
  
***  
  
She could sense him before she could see him. Like she always did. She opened her eyes to look back at him. His black hair shining like silver under the moon, the pale light making his face look smooth and innocent. His hair was messy and his shirt untucked as if he had been in a hurry. He looked like he had been searching for her, his eyes full of wonder and slight panic and something told her that maybe he might be having his nightmares again. The look of relief on his face made her laugh softly.  
“Ben, there you are.”

Erin’s eyes shot open and she looked right into the eyes of Kylo who was staring back at her as if he had just seen a ghost. Erin didn’t feel like she usually did when tapping into the power of the Force, instead she felt as if she had just woken up from a dream. Slightly disoriented but calm, and in a way she felt herself longing for what she had just seen even though she couldn’t quite tell what it had been. Kylo averted his eyes and swallowed.

They remained quiet for what felt like a long time and when Kylo looked back up at her, Erin knew he had seen what she had seen too. He had been there, she realized. His eyes told her more than words ever could because they were the same eyes she had just seen in her vision. They were searching, slightly scared and they were his.

“Ben?” the name was a whisper on her lips, a question to find out who was really in front of her, but she could see that to him it was like he was finally found after being lost for so long. His lower lip was quivering slightly, not like a little boy’s, but like a man completely broken, finally giving in.

 

All he did was nod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, getting all spiritual and emotional with the Force here, am I huh? I love the concept of the Force and what it represents, exploring it through this story makes me an even bigger fan of the SW universe. So yeah...sorry not sorry for the psychological abuse I'm putting you guys through, ha!


	30. Pain

_Ben Solo was not gone._

 

He was sitting right in front of her, completely frozen.  The pain of a broken heart and soul pouring from his eyes. Erin realized he wasn’t even breathing.  

She wanted to get up, to reach out to him, to hold him and tell him everything was okay but the tension in the air told her not to. It was like looking at a wild animal that had been caged for too long, and when he started to breathe again it was fast and uncontrolled. She couldn’t bear watching him like this without doing anything and the name slipped out before she could stop it.

“Ben…”

The man shot up so quickly it startled her. Erin quickly got to her feet, standing in front of him, mirroring his actions as she could feel the anxiety within him grow to something unbearable. Her heart was beating fast as she kept her eyes fixed upon him to watch his every move. She had pushed him too far without even realizing it. She never meant for the vision to happen, or even to drag him into what she had been feeling while opening up to the Light side of the Force. The Light had felt like home, like wanting to be better, like hope and warmth and calm. It had felt _good_ and she knew he knew it too. Erin was unsure if she had seen a dream or the future in her vision, but she had found him there and it had felt right.   
Ben Solo’s eyes shot from side to side as he started to pace, shaking his head wildly. He looked at her again with the same eyes but his face was confused now, maybe even frustrated and before she could do anything to stop him he stormed past her, his shoulder hitting hers hard. He disappeared from her room and took the hurricane of emotions with him, closing off from the Force, closing off from Erin. She couldn’t sense him through the Force and once he turned the corner in the hall she could no longer see him either. The only thing remaining was the memory of the vision she had just had, burning like a small ember deep inside of her, turning into something she had not allowed herself to feel in a long time.

 

Hope.

 

  
***

 

_“Ben, there you are.”_

_“Ben.”_  
  
“There you are.” 

Her voice kept ringing through his mind as he stormed off to his private quarters.   
  
Ben Solo was not gone. The Force had shown him a future as Ben. And when the woman in front of him had called out his old and forsaken name he felt like he belonged. As Ben, at that lake, with her. Surely the Force was ever changing, Light and Dark dancing around each other in an ever-shifting balance. There was no way of him knowing if this truly was their future. He had seen visions of the future before, all of them different, but this meant there was a possibility, a path that they could walk together and that had sparked a hope inside of him that scared him more than anything. He had unintentionally followed her into the Light, opened himself up to it, tempted once more by his own weakness.

_But it had felt so right._

And now he was left with conflict and fear. Why was she doing this to him? Why was she giving in to the Light so easily like it was nothing? Would she rather stand with the Light side of the Force than with him? Would she abandon him because he was a monster of the dark? Kylo paced back and forth through his room, that now felt too small. This entire ship felt too small. He couldn’t breathe as the emotions kept building up inside of him. Anger, frustration, insecurity and pain, so much pain.

He had done such terrible things; how could he ever go back? How could he ever deserve anything like what he had just felt? Why would the Light be taunting him like that?

A roar of pure agony escaped from his lips and he could no longer keep it in, his power and pain mixed and using the Force Kylo snapped. Releasing his emotions in a display of aggression and anger as he attacked anything that could be destroyed in his room. Sending his belongings flying across the room, tearing the leather of the seats, crashing furniture into walls and more furniture. As he slowly grew tired he realized there was a better way to release his frustration and anger, a way that would be comfortable and familiar and that would prove he was not falling for the Light. And so, he stormed off to the holding cell he had been avoiding for days now.

 

 

 

He watched him from behind the window first as he felt that familiar darkness creep up on him again. Bass was unconscious. He knew they kept him that way because of his strength in the Force. It was easier.

Kylo was holding Bass’ mask in his hand, his hand once again covered in familiar black leather as he held onto the metal a little too tightly.

He was not weak, and he would prove it. The Light was no match for the Darkness inside of him.

He ordered the troopers to open the door, his face blank as he entered the room and circled the traitor in front of him. Bass looked like the male version his sister, his hair almost white, high cheekbones and a narrow long nose. Unconscious like this he looked far less dangerous than he could be and the sight reminded Kylo of a time long ago. Bass had been young when he was brought to Luke’s temple, two years younger than Kylo but he made up for it in arrogance and recklessness. The two of them had always been rivals, fueled by pride but Bass had always been unintelligent. The brains were clearly given to his sister, he merely followed Aurora and Ben wherever they went. Which was why he followed them and the others to Snoke. And now here he was, betraying the only people that would keep him alive in this war. Snoke was gone and Aurora had proven her loyalty to their new Supreme Leader and Bass…Bass had betrayed them.

Kylo raised his hand, quickly flicking it, hitting Bass in the face with a slap of the Force and the man jolted awake.

His eyes immediately fixed upon Kylo as he started to struggle against his restraints.

“Took you long enough.” Bass spat, his face turning red from restraint.

“Didn’t take you very long before turning your back on me.” Kylo recoiled, his voice eerily controlled. He didn’t even bother to look down at the man now that he was awake, his chin held high as he arrogantly moved around the room. The role felt comfortable, like his mask had once made him feel safe. The Dark side had a way of making you feel powerful even in your most desperate times.

Bass laughed, the sound was loud and deep, like thunder.

“I was never loyal to you, my allegiance was with Snoke.”

Kylo rushed in closer, holding up the mask threateningly close to Bass’ head and for a second, he considered hitting him with it, but he stopped himself. The man he may have once considered a friend was laughing again, clearly unaffected by his presence.

“So emotional…Hux was right, you know. You’re not fit to lead anyone.”

Kylo clenched his jaws, moving in even closer as his hand moved to the side of Bass’ face, so close but never touching any skin as he pushed to enter his mind. Bass was never as strong as Kylo had been, even when they were younger, but it was a power struggle nonetheless. He wasn’t going down without a fight.

“You will show me everything you know.” Kylo hissed.

“I would rather die.”

“That can be arranged.” Kylo now switched tactics, moving from his mind to choke him with the Force, enjoying the power surging through his body as he watched Bass gasp for air. The Dark side welcomed him back so easily and for a moment Kylo forgot about what had happened with Erin. He forgot about her, about the vision and about himself. If torturing this ghost from the past would help him forget, he would take his time in doing so.

 

***  
  
Erin was with Aurora. She was planning another recon mission to Moar since Hux’ man had failed to return with any information. Both women knew it would be near to impossible to get to the planet unnoticed after what had happened, but Aurora didn’t give up trying. Instead she feverishly pushed on, trying to find ways to get people to the planet without being shot out of the air upon arrival.

“You know we’re only wasting resources this way, right?” Erin asked.

The women were at the bridge. Aurora was studying the hologram of a chart, stepping right through it as her eyes searched for a solution.

“If the Republic regains strength it could mean a serious threat to the First Order.”

Erin crossed her arms and watched the woman, dark circles under her eyes made her look tired and older than she was.   
“Aurora, they destroyed the Republic, there won’t be enough left to attack us anytime soon.”

“You don’t know that, those filthy Rebels have surprised us before. I for one don’t want to be the one to deal with the Supreme Leader if this situation on Moar gets out of hand.”

Erin felt strangely proud as Aurora spoke of the Resistance, she knew she wasn’t speaking nicely of them, in fact she clearly hated them, but she did regard them as a threat, however weak they might’ve gotten.

Erin moved closer, pretending to study the charts along with her before whispering.

“You’re doing this for him, aren’t you?”

Aurora looked down at Erin and her eyes seemed to give her a warning. Erin knew the only thing they had in common was their shared compassion for Kylo, but Aurora never seemed to want to admit it.

“I’m doing this, so he won’t tear this entire ship down.”    
This answer surprised Erin and she took a step back, her brow furrowing in confusion. Sure, she had not seen Kylo -or Ben..she wasn’t sure what to call him- for days now, but that’s how this worked. He needed his space, so he would take it. He was the leader of the First Order after all, she could hardly expect him to only spend time on her training.   
“What do you mean?” Erin dared to ask and she could feel her heart race, showing how much she cared could be dangerous around here.

Aurora raised one perfect eye brow and glared down at her with dark amusement.

“Oh, you haven’t seen him?”

Erin moved in closer again as Aurora leaned down slightly so her face was at the same height.

“I told you before, little pet. You can’t change him.”

Aurora stood up straight again, that familiar arrogance washing over her again as she shrugged.

“It seems like our Surpreme Leader has gone back to his old ways. He’s been at it for days now, with those traitors from communications…” her voice turned less amused now “…and my brother.”

Erin frowned in confusion, taking in a deep breath to keep her features neutral as she took a step back again, focusing on the charts now so that Aurora wouldn’t be able to read the sheer disappointment on her face.

 

***  
  
  
When Kylo got back to the holding cells he was informed that one of the traitors had not survived.   
“What should we do with the body, sir?” the Stormtrooper in front of him asked and Kylo could sense his fear like a cold trembling sensation through the Force. The sensation pleased him as it felt strangely soothing to him to be feared. This was familiar territory, this he understood.

“Leave it.” He replied coldly.   
He wanted everyone to see what would happen if you crossed the Supreme Leader. If he couldn’t rule with respect, he would rule over them with fear.

He started with the weakest of them, as a warming up. The man had most likely already given Kylo everything he needed to know. That Hux had instructed him to tamper with the signal, that there was to be no communications whatsoever with Kylo’s ship, and that they were not allowed to speak of it with anyone ever. A small part of him knew that the man had had no choice, he was caught in the crossfire. Refuse the general and he would most likely have died, betray his Supreme Leader and face a fate much worse. Kylo was being cruel, burying his feelings and the pull to the light under darkness and pain and torture. Taking days now to extract information from their minds over and over again, searching for more of it while he knew he already had it all. And still the Light was pulling at him, whispering that what he was doing was wrong.

 

He would end his days with Bass, who was much harder to crack. Kylo welcomed the challenge, torturing both mind and body of one of the last Knights of Ren. In truth Bass was torturing him just the same, and Kylo allowed it. His words far worse than actions could ever be and in moments of weakness, while Kylo was in his mind, Bass would fight back and find his way to his instead.

“You’ve always felt privileged.” Bass was breathing hard, his body limp and tired, but his spirit was still strong, as if Kylo’s rath was only proving his point.

“So you’re a Skywalker…” Bass called out, “That doesn’t mean you’re any better than any of us. He _failed_ , you know. Luke, your precious grandfather…you’re all _failures_.”

Bass was playing with Kylo’s fears now, and strangely enough he felt like he needed to hear it. It also made it easier to hurt him, because he deserved it.

“You’ve got so much power and you’re not even _using_ it. Always chasing after your damn mother and her Resistance while you could be ruling the galaxy!”

Kylo was growing tired and impatient, and in his arrogance, he lowered himself to Bass’ standards, falling back on petty insults.   
“Your own sister won’t even come and save you. She’s out there, doing as _I ask_.”

Bass laughed again.

“Of course she is,” Kylo could tell that he had hit home with the comment despite of Bass’ laughter.

“She’s always followed you. It’s how we ended up here. She’s stupid and weak, letting herself fall for a man like you.”  
Kylo hissed as he used the Force to make Bass stop talking, he didn’t want to hear more. He didn’t want to hear how all of this was his fault even though he knew it was. He didn’t want to hear how no one had ever believed in him and how they had all followed him for all the wrong reasons.

But Bass’ strength in the Force wasn’t subdued by the torture Kylo was inflicting upon him, in fact it had only seemed to grow along with his anger as he pushed back, sending Kylo flying to the cold hard metal of the wall.

Bass was breathing hard as Kylo looked up in surprise, still trembling from the power struggle between them as Bass’ eyes seemed to fall shut. He fought to open them, clearly drained from using the Force like he had, and looked straight at Kylo. Straight through him and inside and Kylo knew Bass could see the truth in there. He could see through the shield that he had been holding up for days now. And although his voice was weak and quiet as he spoke, it was filled with disappointment and disgust.   
“You’ve ruined her, like you do with everything in your life.”

 

 

As Kylo returned to his private quarters all of Bass’ words ran through his mind over and over. He took big threatening steps, making everyone in his way take a step back or turn the other corner.  

Once he arrived at the door of his quarters he could already sense her. He sighed and reconsidered going in there, but finally gave in and opened the door, storming into the room he had destroyed days ago. He had left the mess unchanged, and she was standing in the middle of it, her back toward him as she was looking out of the window to the planets beyond.

Although the scene looked nothing like the vision they had shared, her posture seemed to mirror what he had seen and for a moment it took him back to that feeling of belonging.

“I’m not in the mood.” Kylo’s voice was low and impatient as he moved to the other side of the room and tore his cloak from his shoulders, throwing it away dramatically. He turned his back on her, trying to ignore the feeling that kept pulling at his heartstrings.

“Oh yes, I’ve heard.” Her reply wasn’t exactly disapproving, more of a statement, but Kylo’s paranoia made him feel like she was judging him nonetheless. He turned quickly and although the girl didn’t move he could tell her eyes shifted just slightly at his movements.

“I am doing my job as Supreme Leader!” he roared as he moved in on her, bearing his teeth as his face was now close to hers.

“And as Ben Solo?” she asked, her face still blank.

Kylo turned and walked away from her, like walking away from the question itself.

“Ben Solo is dead.”  

“Stop lying to me!” Although she didn’t raise her voice, her tone made him stop in his tracks, spin on his heels and turn to face her again. Keeping up the front he had for days now as he replied ever so slowly through clenched jaws.

“Ben. Solo. Is. Dead.”

She shook her head and a lock of hair fell from the bun that had kept it from her face. He wondered how she could remain so in control, he could feel all the emotions like a whirlwind inside of her.

“You can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. I know what I saw.”

“Oh yeah?” he moved in closer now, towering over her, wanting to make her feel as small as she had made him feel by turning to the light.

“What did you see, Erin? Did you see a weak man who chose a woman over power? Someone who walked away from making a change in the galaxy to hide in the depths of the Outer Rim?”

He didn’t give her time to reply as he went on, noticing how her big brown eyes turned cold. He uttered every fear and insecurity that had been running through his mind ever since he joined her in the Light, even if just for a moment.

“Did you see a man running away from his legacy? A coward who would rather hide with a slave than bring order to the universe under his rule? You have no idea what you saw! How could you?!”

As soon as he had said it he knew it was wrong. Like he knew what he had been doing the past days was wrong. But he couldn’t take it back, at having his fears out there felt like a strange relief, but the price had been high.

She didn’t speak, which he knew was worse than having her scream at him, instead he could see how her chest was rising and falling quicker than usual, how her cheeks turned a little darker and how she took a step back. The worst part was the look in her eyes and as he looked into them he wished he could take it all back. But like Bass had said, he ruined everything in his life. She kept shaking her head, slowly as she took steps back, avoiding the mess on the floor. A slight shimmer on her cheek told him that she was crying, and his reaction to this shocked him. He wanted to anything in his power to make her stop. Which was the exact opposite of everything he had just made her think.

She was quick to recover though, wiping her cheek with one fast move before turning and heading for the door.

Kylo followed her quickly, reaching out but never touching her as he called out her name.

“Erin…” his voice filled with regret.

“Don’t, _Kylo_.” She sneered, before she left his quarters and the way she said his name made him realize he wanted nothing more than for her to call him Ben again.

 

***  
  
She was confused and hurt while she rushed down the halls. How could she have been so wrong? She _knew_ what she had seen, she _knew_ he had felt it too.

It was hard to remain calm. It was so hard to breathe, and so hard not to cry. The things he had said had been harsh but true. What _did_ she expect?

She didn’t expect anything. She wanted something. She wanted him to be happy, and she knew he couldn’t be happy here. Doing what he was. At first, she had done this for the Resistance, because their odds would be a lot better with Ben Solo on their side or Kylo Ren out of the picture. But this changed a long time ago. He was drowning, and everyone could see it. She only wanted to show him how to swim.

 

Erin knew what she was doing was dangerous, but she was so angry and hurt that she didn’t care. She was giving up her life one way or another. She had been for a long time now, for him. And this was how he saw her? As a slave who asked him to run away with her for nothing?

 

The least she could do was help the people who did care. And she had valuable information now that they had discovered the Republic was still alive. Erin hurried to her private quarters, reaching far under her bed to pull out her hypertransceiver. It had been tricky to get the device aboard since it was modified with an encryption module, but the risk had been worth it.  The message was short, all they needed to know was that the some of the Republic had survived and were hiding out on the planet of Moar. If Poe had done as he promised and had taken his hypertransceiver with him no matter where the Resistance was now, the message would get through. She added a little personal information, telling him she missed him and waited for the message to transmit.


	31. I know

The sight of her sitting at the lake kept haunting him even in his dreams. As if the Force wanted him to remember it, calling him back to the Light. And in his dream, it didn’t feel so absolute, it didn’t feel like there were two sides and he had to choose between them. In his dreams he felt balance between light and dark, within her and within himself. He could see her clearly again this time, how her nose crinkled slightly as she smiled, how her eyes were filled with slight concern as she looked at him. And now that the Force was showing him the vision again he could finally focus on what he had been feeling. He felt sadness, and a slight hint of panic, and both seemed to fade at the sight of her. It was hard to understand the feeling because he had not felt it in so long, but when he focused on the emotion he finally recognized it. He felt safe. The calmness that he had felt through the Force from within her earlier that night was there too and when he woke he knew what he had to do.

 

 

Filled with a sense or serenity and certainty he rose from his bed and even though he knew he had been so wrong before he felt no negative emotions as he moved to hurry into half of his robes and out of his quarters. Kylo could feel that the Force was on his side, like an encouraging flow, guiding his every step. There was no need to bend it to his will like he usually did through pain and anger, instead he felt a balance that was rare to him. As he walked the halls he could sense everything and everyone around him, from the electromagnetic radiation to the human emotions, but none of it changed the resolve he felt inside.

 

Her quarters were on the far side of the ship and although it had taken him a while to get there he was still certain as he stood in front of her door and took a deep breath to centre himself. Kylo quickly glanced back and around to make sure he was alone and held his hand up and against the door, sensing her through the Force and he knew she was asleep. Part of him wanted to wake her up, but as he opened the sliding door he changed his mind. He moved into the room and closed the door behind him, it wasn’t hard to find her because the room was so small that when the door opened you could see every part of it from its opening.

The room was tidy, with almost no personal belongings. Her old uniform was neatly folded atop her small desk and the clothes he had made for her rested over the chair next to it. His eyes finally rested on her. Her back was toward him as she lay asleep in her narrow bed. It looked hard and uncomfortable, but he knew she had slept on surfaces far worse. He could see the scars that decorated her arms in the dim lighting of the room, her hair that lay like a dark wave over the even darker pillow and when she shifted slightly he held his breath as if not to wake her.

He stood, watching her for a moment in silence, taking in every detail of her sleeping like that. The curve of her hip, the soft sound of her breathing and all of it sent a shiver up his spine.

Erin turned in her sleep and when she faced him he noticed how her brow creased slightly. Her eyes were still closed but from the slight flutter of her eyelids he could tell she was dreaming.

Kylo took a few steps toward her and decided to wake her from whatever was taunting her in her sleep. He moved to sit down on the edge of the bed and felt her tense up immediately. She woke before he could sit down, raising her arm to ward off whoever was bothering her but he quickly caught her wrist before her hand could make contact with his face.

“It’s me.” His voice low as he watched the fear in her eyes.

The fear didn’t go away, in fact her eyes seemed to only darken.

“It’s me.” He repeated, “Ben.”

It felt strange to say his old name out loud. He had not said it in a long time, at least not while referring to himself in the present. In some way it felt like coming home, he just wasn’t sure how much was left of that home yet.

Erin watched him cautiously as she sat up, moving back to the other side of her bed and against the wall. He realized she wasn’t scared now, she was hurt. Because of him. It was hard not to get angry at this and at himself, it felt so easy to hide behind anger and hatred. Instead he watched her for a moment while trying to go back to the sense of balance he had felt before.

Kylo Ren was not one for apologies. In fact he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt the need to apologize. He was a proud and stubborn man, but he knew he had been wrong so many times.

“I was wrong.” his voice husky as he started cautiously. “I’m sorry.”

 

***  
  
“It’s me.” He repeated, “Ben.”

Erin wondered if he was saying the name because he meant it or because he wanted to keep her from attacking him right there and then. _She was so angry at him_.

“I was wrong.”

Erin watched him closely as she sat completely still. His hand was still around her wrist, which was on the bed in between them. His hold was firm, but in a friendly way. Strong and reassuring, his hand warm.

“I’m sorry.”

She could feel that he meant it, but she wasn’t willing to give in that easily. The things he had said had truly hurt her, and she knew that he had meant at least part of it and so she remained quiet. She glanced down at his hand around her arm, fighting to stay calm and silent. It was confusing to deal with his moodswings, to be constantly in the middle of his ups and downs. To think she knew him just for him to turn around and show yet another face.

Erin looked up at him with newfound certainty, her eyes finding his and her gaze strong and determined. It was his turn to explain, his turn to use words even though she knew he was more a man of action, and so she looked at him defiantly.

When Kylo looked back at her she knew he understood, he had understood even before she woke up.

“I haven’t been true to the Force in your training.” He started and although Erin didn’t want to talk about her training, she bit her tongue to let him speak.

“I haven’t been true to the Force in a long time. I haven’t been listening because it was always drowned out by Snoke. Or myself.” He added quietly. “And so when I saw how easily you turned to the light, how you opened up to the Force without resentment or anger, I felt betrayed. I wasn’t ready, I’m still not ready. I chose this path and I believe in it. I believe in a different future for the galaxy, the ways of the Sith and the Jedi, I believe we need to leave them behind. They’ve only brought chaos and destruction. And I know to be careful with visions of the future, but the feeling I had when the Force showed us what it did…” he sighed and pressed his lips together, suddenly uncertain it seemed. Erin moved slightly, shifting closer as she watched him intently.

“When I saw how easily you channelled the light, I felt alone. Like you went somewhere I couldn’t follow. And I was scared when I did.”   
His brown eyes suddenly turned sad and distant, like he was looking at something that wasn’t here, something in the past and Erin couldn’t resist the urge to place her free hand over his. When her skin touched his his eyes shot toward hers and he was back in the room.

“I don’t know what to do. I have lost my way.” His voice was sad but the look in his eyes was somehow strong and certain. Like he had come to terms with what he was saying.

“I know I have been taking it out on you. I also know I’m not a good man and will most likely do it again for which I am truly sorry, but I need you to stay. I need you to help me make sense of this.”   
The words were explaining a lot but still didn’t feel like enough to her. She needed more, she needed certainty and she knew that that was something that did not exist in this universe but she needed to know that she was not giving up her heart and her life for something that wasn’t worth fighting for.

And just as these emotions rose within her, and most likely within him as when they touched their emotions seemed to almost merge, he spoke again. Soft and low and heady, the voice that had her falling for him in the first place.

“I _need_ _you_ , Erin. I don’t know which side to choose, or which man to be, all I know in this moment is that I want you. By my side, in my life and in my heart. Will you help me?”

The man in front of her was earnest. Pleading for help, for a companion, for love. And although she adored him in all his power, she realized she really, truly loved him in this moment of vulnerability. She was attracted to his strength and wildness but drawn in by his conflicted and exposed soul.

Erin nodded slowly, seeing how relief washed over him as his head fell down, hair falling in front of his eyes as he leaned in to kiss her hand.

“Anything for you.” And as she spoke the words she knew they had been true for a long time now.

 

***  
  
He had opened up like this just once before and it had not ended well. Doing it again had been frightening and uneasy, but it had been worth it. As Kylo kissed the soft skin of her hand he took in the scent of her skin and closed his eyes. He didn’t know the place he was in, it wasn’t the dark..but it wasn’t exactly light either. Too much had happened for him to make sense of, but he knew that he had not felt so in tune with the Force and another being since he had been a child. When he looked back up he knew a part of her was still hurting and it would be a conversation for another time. He still had a lot to prove to her.

“Thank you.”

He moved closer to sit beside her, leaning against the wall next to her, taking her small hand in his much larger one and they sat in silence. There was a deep rumbling noise coming from the ship, and the bed was shaking slightly before the sound stopped. He could feel how her hand tensed in his and how her voice sounded slightly shaken when she spoke.

“Ben?”

The name from her lips sounded uncertain, like she was testing the waters but as he followed her gaze he found the true source of her uncertainty wasn’t in the name, it was because of the reason for the ship’s noise. Through the narrow window of her room he could see the familiar blue and white of traveling through hyperspace and they moved in unison as they both sat up. He looked outside while she looked up at him.

“Did you order the fleet to change its course?” she asked and Kylo furrowed his brow as he got up from the bed.

“No, I did not.” He replied darkly.

Before he could ask her to, Erin already moved to get dressed and the sight of the bare skin of her arms and legs never seized to amaze him. He watched her shamelessly as she covered herself up with black.

“Meet me at the bridge, I need to pick something up.”

He saw her demeanour change immediately. He took a second to admire this about her, she was a true warrior, instantly ready to take on whatever challenge seemed to be ahead.

Erin nodded and immediately glanced at his waist, surely noticing how he was not carrying his weapon. It was better anyway if they came to the bridge from different sides of the ship because even though Kylo had decided to give his all to her, he knew that showing it to the rest of the First Order would only make the both of them seem weak. And that was a luxury they could not afford.

 

***

  
  
Erin hurried to put the rest of her clothes on. She was unsure of what was happening but from the emotions she had felt in Ben through the Force she knew something was wrong. It was strange to think of him as Ben now, to call him that in a normal conversation, but she told herself this was progress. His words kept replaying in her head. How he was unsure of so much, how he wasn’t ready to face the Light side of the Force, how he believed in a future so different from the past they all knew. The man was confused at best and Erin realized she was too. She had followed Leia blindly for years because the Resistance was the only thing she had. But what future did they have in mind, what would the galaxy look like if the Resistance actually won? She had always thought these questions were for people of a higher rank, politics had never been her forte, but as she heard Ben talk about the past and the future she wondered if she _should_ be thinking about it. They were all so busy with surviving the present that she wondered if any of them had actually thought about what the future would be. Now that she had discovered her power in the Force things weren’t so simple anymore. There were obligations that came with power and she wondered if she would ever be ready to carry them.

 

Once she arrived at the bridge she could see Ben -or at this moment he was more Kylo- had stormed in just before. The Stormtroopers at the entrance stepped in front of her, blocking her way to the bridge.

“Let her through.”

He didn’t even look back at her and Erin knew he could feel her presence through the Force as he ordered the troopers to let her in. She stormed past them but made sure to keep her distance, watching Kylo closely. He looked determined and striking and Erin wondered how he could turn from vulnerable to strong in just a short matter of time before realizing he resembled his mother that way.

No matter what happened, General Leia could change her mood for whatever was needed like flipping a switch. And now her son was doing the same and she couldn’t even be here to see it.

“General Hux, care to tell me why we have changed course and went into hyperspace without my orders?” Kylo demanded as he stood at the far front of the shiny black bridge, overlooking the communications stations beneath.   
The general rushed toward him, clearly flustered with his sudden appearance as he glanced back at his subordinates warningly. Erin noticed this and knew that Hux had tried to make sure that Kylo was asleep and unaware.

“Supreme Leader, why yes of course. Shall we head to my office?”   
Hux’ office was just at the other side of the bridge and as Kylo followed the general Erin hesitated for just a moment. She was still unsure of her place in all this, but when Kylo glanced back at her she knew he wanted her to follow, and so she did with the slightest nod of her head.

 

Hux led them to his office and closed the door behind them before standing at his desk. As Kylo approached the desk, Erin remained behind him and close to the door. Hux glanced at Erin standing at the other side of the room and gave her a look that sent shivers up her spine. His eyes moved over her frame from head to toe and she knew he was taking in her new attire.

“May I ask what she’s doing here? This information is rather confidential.” Hux’ tone was juvenile and menacing, showing his lack of respect toward Erin and Kylo’s judgement openly. Erin hoped Kylo wouldn’t fall for his tricks. Hux was playing on his emotions knowing it was his greatest weakness.

“Agarun is here by my command.” Kylo started, “Any information you have to share with me will be shared with her.”  

Erin dared to move somewhat closer now and could feel all eyes on the bridge were were fixed upon the three of them through the windows in Hux’ office.   
“We are headed for Moar, sir. We have sent three ships and all of them have failed to come back, leaving us with anything but decent intel. We are headed to the coordinates at which our last ship has vanished from our radar and we will attack the capital city of Moar with full force, destroying whatever is left of the Republic. If they are not at the capital city, they can consider our attack a warning.”

Erin knew Hux was doing his job and he was trying to do it well, he was ruthless and extremely skilled at leading a battle but a war at Moar meant she had just send her friend and whatever was left of the Resistance to the most dangerous place in the galaxy so she couldn’t help but speak up.

“Sir, you want to engage in battle while the Supremacy is still in repair?”

Both men looked at her now and Erin realized this might have been the time to keep her mouth shut, she didn’t waver though, and kept her gaze firm on the general. To her relief she noticed that Kylo did too.

“The Supremacy’s turbolasers and ion canons are intact, Agarun, no need to be scared.” Hux said condescendingly. 

Erin bit her tongue and balled her fists as she glanced sideways to watch their Supreme Leader who remained quiet for a little longer than comfortable, she could see how his jaw tensed and sense how his emotions shifted just before he spoke.

“The Supremacy will stay out of range. We will send our complementing star destroyers and starfighters. Divide your best squadrons and the AT-M6’s over the star destroyers for on ground battle before bombing the area.”   
The words came out fast and with experience and Erin had to try her best to keep her face unchanged. He was talking about heavy material, something she knew the remnants of the Republic nor the Resistance would be ready for. But Kylo wasn’t finished.   
“And general, I want prisoners.” 

“Yes, sir.” Hux said somewhat reluctant. Prisoners meant a chance of complications; the man had hoped this would be an easy battle.

“I want a full report on our battle strategy and the details on our course.”

“Yes, sir.”

And with that Kylo Ren stormed out of the room and out of the bridge even before Erin could follow him. As she turned hurriedly to follow him she stopped in her tracks when Hux spoke.

 

“A curious thing occurred the other day, Agarun.”

Erin turned slowly to face the man. She didn’t speak as she took in his ice cold blue eyes that seemed to look right through her. His lips were pressed tightly together, and his hands clasped behind his back as he continued.

“I’ve had my men do some research on this talented woman that has worked her way up within the First Order.”

Erin could feel how her hands started to shake as her heartbeat sped up, her jaw tightened as she tried to keep her composure calm and collected.

“And there have been some inconsistencies in her dossier…” Hux walked around his large desk until he was right in front of her. He wasn’t as tall as Kylo, but tall enough to look down on her. Erin noticed how his eyelashes were the same colour as his hair, making his face almost ghostlike.

“And now she happens to be close to our Supreme Leader…”

The words were a whisper and if the tone wasn’t as menacing as it was the gesture of him whispering in her ear could almost be interpreted as intimate. Erin could feel how she cold sweat covered her back and as her hands trembled she balled her fists even tighter. It took so much energy to breathe normally that she suddenly felt dizzy. He knew. He knew she wasn’t who she was pretending to be. She decided not to cave, not to give in just yet because there was no way out now, not like this. Instead she looked directly at him, channelling all her hate and frustration over the First Order and the dark side to remain strong in this moment.

“I will find out who you are, Agarun.” And as he whispered her name he smiled, just slightly. “And when I do, it will destroy him.”

Erin was screaming inside, her heart beating painfully in her chest as everything inside of her screamed that she should run. She lifted her chin and spoke slowly to make sure the words came out without giving her true emotions away, tapping into the energy of the Force as she lifted one palm inconspicuously.

“The _inconsistencies_ in _your system_ won’t distract you from the important battle that is ahead.. You will not let your personal interests interfere with those of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.”

She knew the mind trick would not solve the problem entirely, but she hoped that at least for now Hux would be focused on anything else but her. When he replied she knew the Force had done its job.

“I will focus on the important battle ahead and the orders of Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.”

“Good.” Erin replied, before leaving the room as fast as she could, gasping for air on her way out.

 

 

Erin was running now, and she didn’t care that people were watching her as she did. She needed to get somewhere safe, somewhere where she wasn’t watched by a thousand eyes. She wasn’t sure if it was the effort of running or the anxiety, but she felt unbearably hot, almost as if she was being suffocated as she tried to find her way to her private quarters. She wildly tore at the robes that were draped around her neck, feeling the need to free her body from the amount of fabric just to be able to breathe. She wanted to run to him, to feel safe with him but she knew that with this secret she couldn’t. With this betrayal she couldn’t, and she slowly started to realize that what she was doing to him might be what would make him turn to the dark side for good.

 

***  
  
They had two and a half days. Two and a half days to get ready for battle and he couldn’t feel more unprepared. Bass and the communications officers that had betrayed him were still in custody, their flagship the Supremacy was still undergoing prepares after the attack of the Resistance months ago and without Snoke’s mentorship he had felt unsure of his true purpose. 

Kylo was studying the charts of their changed course to make sure there were no celestial bodies in their way during their travel through hyperspace. He knew the calculations for traveling this way were precise, but he couldn’t help but feel responsible for the safety of the fleet now that he was Supreme Leader.   
There was so much to do, so much to prepare and figure out. Surely Hux was a capable commander, maybe even more so than he was himself when it came to this army. But this would be his very first official act as Supreme Leader and he wanted it to mean something. He wanted to be in control of it. He wanted to be in control of how the galaxy would see him, because if he wanted to rule over them he needed to let them see he was a fit leader.

 

As his eyes trailed the charts he suddenly felt a peak of anxiety through the Force and instantly knew something was wrong. Ever since he had shared a moment in the Light with Erin he had seemed more in tune with both the Force and her, and he recognized her energy immediately. Dropping the tablet in his hand he turned to hurry to her quarters. Realizing he had left her with Hux earlier he suddenly felt guilty. He knew she would understand that as the Supreme Leader he would be busy preparing the First Order for battle, but this could wait if anything was wrong with her. Of course, he knew she could take care of herself, she had been doing so all her life and with his training had only grown stronger, but he had not taken her feelings into account when he abandoned her at the bridge like that. Something that he would not have cared about before but was eating away at him now as he rushed through the halls, reaching out through the Force to keep track of her emotions.

 

***  


The first thing she did was send them a message hoping it would find its way to the Resistance. She was unsure if any of her message had been getting through, but if only one would, she hoped this was it. Her hands were shaking wildly as she worked at the buttons of the transmitter and she tried to calm herself down with her breathing, focusing on taking air in and blowing it out through her lips. Once the message was sent she disabled the signal again so it wouldn’t show up on any communication systems and hid the transmitter again. She sat on the floor and finally took a moment to let go of her emotions and break down in full panic.

 

Hux knew.

 

Or at least he would know the full truth soon enough. Erin wondered what she should do. Should she leave while she still had the chance and break the man she had grown to care so much about, or should she stay and risk her life. It was a question she could not yet answer because she wasn’t ready to. Instead she pressed her hands to her face, as if putting enough pressure on her mouth would stiffen the cry of agony. She was only able to stay strong for so long and now she broke. Erin hugged her knees close to her chest and allowed herself to think of her friends back home to comfort her, but all she could think of was him. Ben.

 

She was unsure if her mind was playing tricks on her as she sensed a stirring sensation in the Force. Almost like a tickling behind her heart and a sense of strength in her mind that she knew wasn’t hers. The knock on the door let her know that she wasn’t imagining it and she quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks, taking in a deep and shaky breath as she heard his voice.

“Erin?” he started uncertain as another knock sounded on the cold metal. “Erin ,what’s wrong?”

She knew he had been decent in knocking, giving her a warning before entering the room. The door sliding open, allowing him to storm in and toward her in one swift motion.

A wave of soothing sounds came from his lips as he quickly kneeled down next to her and took her head into his hands. She was no longer crying but she knew she couldn’t hide her emotions from his nor the look in her eyes.

He caressed the side of her head as he gazed into her eyes. His were worried and kind and beautiful. His eyebrows rose slightly like they did when he was trying to figure something out.

“What did he do?” his voice was dark and angry, it didn’t match the tenderness in his eyes.

Erin quickly shook her head, placing her hands over his pulling them from her face just to keep them in hers.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” She smiled bravely at him to reassure him, but she could tell he wasn’t buying it.

“What’s wrong?” he pressed on, moving to sit down and pull her in closer. “Talk to me. Please.”

Erin didn’t say anything as she let him pull her closer, this intimacy was rare, and she was taking it in before losing him. She closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest which was wide and warm and she could hear the strong beat of his heart. The tip of her nose brushed along the skin of his neck and his scent calmed her down immediately. This felt like home.

“Talk to me.” He pleaded in a whisper. “You’re scared.”

It was a statement that couldn’t be more true and she knew there was no point in denying it.

“I don’t want to lose you.” The words slipped from her lips before she realized it and she could feel how Ben pulled back and made her look at him. He pressed his lips together like he always did when he was solemn, and he shook his head. The sadness in his eyes was so relatable that for a moment Erin thought there was a way this could end well. That he would understand if she could just explain. It was worth a shot, wasn’t it?

“Ben, I need to tell you something.”

He didn’t flinch at the name, in fact the look in his eyes was still earnest and determined and he shook his head again, holding her face tightly as he made sure she was looking him right in the eye.

“Don’t.” he said, and his voice dropped. “You don’t have to worry. About any of it.”

Erin knew he was interpreting her fear and words all wrong, and all suddenly she wasn’t so ready to tell him the truth. It felt wrong, it felt like it wasn’t the right time or place yet. She looked up at him and knew that if the time came she would die for this cause, for him. And so she nodded slowly, knowing she wasn’t scared to do so.

“We can do this, together.” He said.

She nodded again, closing her eyes and taking in a deep breath while she bit her lip, working hard to regain her composure and she suddenly felt tired. He picked up on it immediately.

“You’re exhausted.”

They both were. They had only slept a few hours.

“I’m fine.” Erin shook her head.

“You need rest.”

“So do you.”

“I have work to do. Will you stay with me?”

 

***   
  
  
It was strange to care for another person like this and although Ben had no idea what he was doing he let his feelings for the girl lead the way.

Once they entered his private quarters he guided her toward the bed, moving the sheets aside for her as he watched closely how she sat down on the mattress. She looked so fragile, dark circles under her eyes and her every move somewhat slower as she was overcome with fatigue. The pressure was becoming too much on the both of them.

“You should lay down.” He said and the warmth in his voice seemed unfamiliar to him, yet he recognized the sound of it. It sounded like his father.

He was relieved to see she obeyed him as she moved to lay down, still dressed in her clothes, too tired to take them off.

“Rest.” He said as he brushed his finger over the soft skin of her cheek. “I’ll be right here.”

She didn’t speak, she only looked up at him with those big sad eyes and nodded. He wondered what Hux had said or done to upset her this much but he granted her the privacy of keeping it a secret for now. He knew she was upset over more than the upcoming encounter. Surely he felt scared too, but he knew she was used to the dangers of battle. There was something else that had upset her and when he would find out who was responsible for it he would destroy them.

Ben rose to return to his desk, he had to study every detail of Hux’ strategy before the debrief the next morning, but the soft sound of her voice made him turn to face her again.

“Ben?”

He was getting used to the sound of his name from her mouth, it was starting to feel comfortable.

“Yes?”

“I love you.” The words were soft and vulnerable and hit him right in the heart which skipped a beat or two as he stared down at her before replying with the exact same words he knew his father had said to his mother the first time they had exchanged the words.  

“I know.”

 

***  
  
He knew. He knew she loved him, and this to Erin was enough.


	32. Wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short and sweet chapter to celebrate over 100 kudos. Thank you guys so much for reading, it means the world to me! You are the best.

When she woke up just a few hours later she noticed there was no one beside her. The bed was still made on the other side and there was light coming from the adjoined room. When she got out of bed she noticed he had taken off her shoes and had neatly put them next to the bed.

 

Erin walked barefoot to the next room to see Ben Solo hovering over his large desk, studying the surface of it as if his life depended on it. He was surrounded by tablets, holograms and galaxy charts that lit up the room in a blueish hue. She leaned against the wall for a moment and watched how a strand of dark hair fell in front of his face and how his eyes narrowed in concentration. The blue glow on his face made him look almost ghostlike. She could tell this man wasn’t the same as when they first met, his walls were down now, and what she could see behind them was something worth loving. She watched how his fingertips ran along lines of coordinates and names written on a tablet and how his lips moved slightly as he murmured what he was reading out loud as if trying to memorize it. Erin took every detail in until she couldn’t bear not to touch him any longer. He was so consumed by his work that he didn’t hear her tip toe toward him, his shoulders tensing as she slipped her arms around his neck from behind him.

“Your turn to rest.”

He glanced at her over his shoulder, eyes soft and tired and before he could protest she quickly shook her head.

“Tell me what you need, and I’ll recap it for you. You’ll be up to speed before the meeting.”

He didn’t speak for a moment and she could tell he was hesitating, his lips trembling slightly and his jaw shifting as if he was about to say something.

“You need all the rest you can get before we get to Moar, Ben.”

He moved to stand tall, and Erin moved her arms from his neck to his chest as he turned to face her.

“Alright.” He said resolutely. “Just don’t leave out any important details, I don’t want Hux to blindside me again.”

“Of course.” Erin smiled softly, and Ben bent down to kiss her forehead before looking into her eyes.

“Are you alright?” he asked with genuine concern.

Erin nodded and wanted to sound as reassuring as possible when she spoke, raising her chin in determination.

“Yes. Now get some rest, I’ve got this.”

And after one last lingering kiss he moved away from her.

 

***  
  
Ben didn’t sleep. Or at least he didn’t think so. He dozed off at best and when he did it was only shortly because he was haunted by nightmares creeping up on him. Images and voices of the past that wouldn’t leave him alone. Images of his father dying at his hand, voices of his mother, Luke, Snoke.

 

Snoke.

 

It had been a while since he had heard that voice in his head and now that he did he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. For most of his life Snoke had been there in his mind. Lurking at first, then guiding and teaching him and finally it all ended in betrayal. Snoke had betrayed his trust and would eventually sacrifice him as a means to an end, so he did what he had to do to survive. Ben couldn’t exactly say he missed Snoke, but he missed guidance and a clear purpose. He had given everything he had to the Snoke and the Dark Side and he still felt like it wasn’t enough, like he wasn’t the man he was supposed to become. Like his true destiny was still unclear.

 

The voices and images had been about hurt and disappointment, about the failure that was Ben Solo and the monster that was Kylo Ren. And so when Ben woke from a final short nightmare he sat up to rub the sweat from his face before getting out of bed to seek solace with the one person he knew would be there for him. He knew it was dangerous to let someone get this close, that it was making him vulnerable and her a popular target. As long as he cared about her she would always be in danger. And as long as she cared about him he would always be vulnerable. And despite all reason Ben didn’t care. He _wanted_ to be with her, he _wanted_ to rely on her, it was a relief to finally feel something other than pain.

 

He didn’t say anything, he simply walked up to her and took her face in his hands to press his lips against hers. He kissed her like he was drowning and she was his air and in a way he knew that was exactly what she was to him. Something to hold on to when everything else fell apart.  

Ben knew he should’ve said it sooner, he knew that he should’ve replied in a different way when she told him exactly how much she cared. He had never really had a way with words nor emotions, he took after his father that way. But he knew what he felt now was real, and he needed her to know before the chaos of briefings and battles would occupy them both. And so, he pulled back and spoke huskily.

“I love you, too.”

She didn’t speak, she just looked up at him with those dark eyes that seemed to have seen so many lives before this one. It always made him wonder if they might have met before, in some other time and place, some other world or dimension. For the briefest of moments she smiled, just the corners of her mouth moved but her eyes were shining bright before she broke their gaze.

She quickly glanced down at the table which was now neatly organized, and Ben could swear her cheeks were a darker shade of peach. When she looked back up she handed him a tablet and her smile had turned into a determined grin, her eyes blazing with fighting spirit and the girl suddenly looked like she could take on the entire galaxy.

“Let’s get you ready for that meeting.”


	33. Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! As we're coming near to the end of this part of the story I was wondering if you would rather see the second part of the story continued here or as a 'new' story. Let me know what you guys think :) Thank you all again so much for reading.

Erin watched as Ben walked in front of her, black cloak moving ominously behind him.  As she took in every detail about him she realized she could feel herself prepare for a goodbye. She had a feeling this wasn’t going to end well, and that it would happen sooner than later. She was unsure when and how this all would come to a boiling point, but she could feel her days were numbered. She was living on borrowed time with Ben, lying to him and herself.

 

They were flanked by several Stormtroopers as they headed toward the briefing room where General Armitage Hux was already waiting for them. The sight of him made her heart race and she quickly clasped her hands together behind her back to keep them from trembling. Her palms were sweaty as she glanced around the room to see who else was there.

Ben came to a halt in the middle of the room and Erin stopped as soon as he did, effortlessly in synch with her lover and teacher through both their bond and the Force.

As he started to address both Hux and the others in the room Erin’s eye fell on Aurora, who was sitting in the far corner of the room. Her blue eyes were glaring up at her Supreme Leader and Erin realized she was angry with him. No doubt over what he was doing to her brother.

Aurora seemed to feel Erin watching her and suddenly met her gaze, the same resentment was directed toward her and Erin wondered what she had done to the girl to make her feel this way.

Ben gestured for everyone to sit down after recapitulating the status of their battle strategy and his subordinates did so immediately. For the first time in a long time they looked at him like they were taking him seriously.

“General Hux, your strategy proposal is too rash. The Supremacy functions as the First Order capital, it has under Snoke and it will remain to do so under my command, we will not engage in battle like you’re proposing.”  
Ben wasn’t wasting any time, and this seemed to take Hux by surprise. Earlier that morning Erin and Ben had learned from studying Hux’ information that he had ignored all orders given by their Supreme Leader the night before. Instead he had suggested the exact opposite for their battle plan. This did not sit well with Ben, and he was making this very clear by the sound of his voice and the look in his eyes.   
“Respectfully sir,” Hux started but Ben did not let him finish.

“ _Respectfully_ , _General_ , you may be in command of _our_ army but as Supreme Leader of the First Order I am in command of you. And I command you to keep the Supremacy at a safe range. We have enough star destroyers and fighters to handle the attack. With that said, _we will not_ send in our bombers immediately. We will send your best squadrons for on planet combat. Now I have a list of all high ranked officials of the New Republic, we don’t know which of them might still be alive. I want your men to search the entire city, any survivors will be brought to me. _Alive_.”

No one spoke. The threatening tone in Kylo Ren’s voice was enough to keep them from questioning his command.

“And the city, sir?” Hux dared to ask after a few moments of tense silence.

“Once we have what we want the First Order will take full military control of Moar and bring Order to the chaos that the Republic has created.”

The words came out mechanically, almost as if he no longer believed in them himself. Erin’s eyes were now fixed upon Ben, but she couldn’t read his face.  Truthfully the words scared her, those words were everything she -along with the Resistance- was fighting against.    

The men went on to discuss strategic manoeuvres for each squadron and Star Destroyer and Erin was finding it hard to remain focussed. There was a stirring in the Force and she couldn’t quite place her finger on it, the sensation made her restless, almost nauseous like unexplained anxiety.

Hux and Ben conversed professionally yet competitively, budding heads occasionally which made everyone in the room tense up. Once the strategies were discussed, everyone was assigned to their post and instructed by Hux on their responsibilities, leaving the room one by one.

The General gave no instructions to either Aurora or Erin, making them the last in the room along with their Supreme Leader who turned to face the two women who were now standing side by side awaiting orders. Hux hovered by the door for a moment before speaking up.

“I suggest we meet at the bridge later today to discuss our progress and course, sir.” And with that Hux left the room, glaring darkly at the three of them before doing so.

 

Erin glanced at Aurora, she could sense the anger emitting from her like it was something tangible in the air, and somehow Erin felt for the girl. She knew Aurora had done terrible things, but so had Ben, and so had she. She had proven her loyalty to their leader and what she got in return was her one remaining family member being tortured, possibly to death. When she looked back up at Ben he was looking straight at her, his voice slightly milder now as he addressed her, and it sent a shiver up her spine. He shouldn’t be showing her any type of compassion out in the open like this, it could endanger his position and hers.   
Ben’s eyes were now focused on Aurora’s, her intense blue meeting is dark brown in a gaze that seemed to consider a long history that Erin was unaware of. They had known each other for years and somehow this made Erin feel inappropriately jealous.

“You’re dismissed, Agarun.” The words didn’t come out harshly, yet Erin still wasn’t keen on leaving him. Yet with a quick nod of her head, and a final glance at Aurora, she left the room.

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

He was unsure of what he was doing. Doing what was right felt easier with Erin in the room, with her around he felt more comfortable being vulnerable. Now that she was gone this suddenly felt like a bad idea, yet he decided to proceed.

“Aurora,” he started, and he could feel his eyes turn softer as he looked down at the woman that had recently helped save his life. Aurora quickly shook her head and suddenly looked tired. Ben noticed dark circles under her eyes, eyes that now looked red from crying. She was still beautiful, but she no longer looked as fierce as she usually did. She looked defeated.   
  


“Don’t. He’s a traitor. I get it. Just make up your mind…” her voice was like ice, her words quick and rushed as she brushed past him to leave. Ben stopped her by grabbing her wrist, making her turn to look at him. A quick gesture of his hand closed the door behind her. He didn’t want anyone to hear what he was about to say.

 “He is a traitor, yes.” Ben’s voice was low, articulating each word as if he was thinking them over. “But you have proven your loyalty. What do you think I should do?”

Anyone who knew Ben merely as Kylo Ren would think this was a test, but his eyes said otherwise. He was asking for help, for advice. Torturing Bass had taken a toll on him that he had not expected and for the last few days he had been avoiding the subject all together.

Aurora pulled her arm from his grasp and crossed hers in front of her chest, looking up at him, her perfect blonde eyebrows raised.

“What do I think?” her voice was still cold but now laced with confusion, Ben only nodded as he watched the woman intently. She seemed to think this over, frowning as she kept her eyes on him as if she was trying to figure out what his motives were. He could sense how she reached out through the Force, not quite probing his mind but scanning his emotions and intentions. Ben let her. When Aurora realized his intentions were true, she softened suddenly.

“What I think you should do and what I wish you would do are two very different things, Kylo.”

Ben’s face didn’t change, he looked at her blankly and understood what she was saying. It was exactly what he had been struggling with.

“Tell me.”

“Give him one more chance,” her voice suddenly sounded like that of an emotional child. “I will keep an eye on him. It’s Hux you should be concerned about, not Bass. You know him, he’s just looking out for us.”

The words almost made Ben reconsider his actions. Reminding them of Bass’ weak betrayal. But the look in Aurora’s eyes made him nod slowly.

“If he ever tries anything like this again, I will kill him. And I won’t hesitate.”

“Thank you.” She whispered hurriedly, and once again Ben felt a slight relief at seemingly doing the right thing. As if a small light was growing inside of him, easing him just slightly of some of the pain he had been feeling all his life.

Aurora turned quickly, moving toward the door before turning back to face him.

“The way you look at her…” she started. Ben instantly knew who she was talking about.

“Don’t let Hux see it. He’ll use her against you.”

 

 

***  
  
Erin had spent the remainder of the day alone in her quarters, unsure of what to do. If it was up to her she would prefer going down there along with the squadrons to fight. She had never been one to sit by and watch while others fought their battles, and that way she could at least control the casualties she was causing. Surely, she didn’t always agree with the ways of the New Republic and neither had the Resistance, but they did believe that together they could find a way to create true peace for the galaxy. Something that they would never be able to do if the First Order destroyed what was left of both organisations.  Erin wondered what she would be doing right now if she was on the other side, with her friends, with Leia, with Poe. Were they preparing for battle like their enemy was? Were they going to be on Moar or would they have changed course after her message? The Resistance would never abandon their allies in need, which meant chances were they were going to be down there. What would she do if they were? Would she join them and leave Ben behind? Would she ask him to come with her? Could she? Would he?

 

The questions were too much.

 

Erin found herself moving around her room restlessly, anxiety and anger boiling inside of her. The Force and her emotions combining into something that was hard to contain in her small body and so she went to seek refuge where she always sought it.

 

In her past movement and fighting meant survival. It was the only thing that could calm her down when things got to much, like a wild animal that needed to break free and run. Her first few years at the arena’s, when she had been too young and scared, she had resented to fight. Her body always tired and aching and her young soul not strong enough. She had hidden and slept whenever she could, crying herself to sleep with lingering pain and thoughts of her dead parents. But the arena’s soon enough hardened the broken soul of a child into that of a young woman. After her first kill, the one she had told only Ben about, she had told herself never to end up in that position again. A position of impotence and panic, of being the prey to a predator. Something inside of her had broken and she was unsure if it would ever be able to be fixed. And so she trained herself whenever her body wasn’t too tired to move. She fought through the sadness and the pain because it was the only thing that silenced her mind. She observed the best fighters, copying their every move until she mastered them herself.   
When Eloi, her only friend that had soon started to feel like a little brother, got old enough she trained him too. Making him fight when he would rather rest, pushing him to the edge only to keep him alive.

 

_“Get up.”  
“But I don’t want to Erin,” the boy whined “ I’m tired.” _

_The little boy looked up at her with broken eyes, begging her to let him rest. The weakness in them both made her angry. The weakness in him wanting to give up and her wanting to give in. If they didn’t keep going, it would mean the end of them. Erin sighed and shook her head._

_“Get up.” She wasn’t giving in, her voice stern and her eyes cold as she looked down at the boy lying in the dirt. Eloi quickly glanced around, most of the others were sleeping but at the other side of the large wooden gate he could hear the stumbling of a midnight fight. The slaves were getting restless lately._

_Erin quickly moved up to Eloi, pulling him up roughly by his upper arm until he was back on his feet. She didn’t let go of him though, leaning in to look into his eyes, hissing at him urgently._

_“You don’t want to end up like one of them, do you?” she pointed at the gate in between them and the others. Alien species were kept in different spaces. Same with the older slaves. Soon Erin would be of age and they would be separated. She wanted Eloi to be prepared._

_The young boy shook his head, his honey coloured locks falling in front of his eyes. Erin’s gaze softened as she let go of his arm._

_“Again.”_

_They repeated the movements she had only learned that day and Eloi managed to hit her three out of seven times. The blows weren’t too hard but the force of wood against her already bruised ribs hurt nonetheless. Once she noticed Eloi could barely stand on his feet any longer she decided it had been enough. She glanced up at the moon above them, making their tan skin look like silver, before looking back down at the boy again._

_“Enough.” Her voice was gentle now and the child ran up to her, throwing his small arms around her waist, holding her in a grateful embrace. She brushed his hair with her hand, closing her eyes for a moment as she took in the scent of him. He smelled like dust and sun kissed skin._

_They hid in a corner, Erin’s back pressed to wooden and clay of the walls that imprisoned them, pulling Eloi close to her chest. He moved around for a while, restless before settling his small head in her lap, looking up at her and the sky._

_“Do you think we will ever get out of here?” his small and quiet voice dared to ask._

_Erin looked down at him and could see the reflection of stars in his eyes. She knew no one was looking for them, their families were dead. No one cared that they were here. No one was ever going to come and take them away. Yet she couldn’t bare taking that hope away from him._

_“We just might.” she said, smiling softly at him as she brushed her fingers along the freckles on his nose._

_“Now get some sleep, you did well today.”_

_She kissed his forehead and held onto him like he was her world, for in that moment he was all she had._

 

 

***  


The day had been long. Too long.

 

Ben was tired and anxious and the only thing he really wanted was to spend this night -before the attack on Moar- with the one person that seemed to be able to calm him.

He knew where he would find her even without reaching out toward her through the Force, but he couldn’t help it. He marvelled at her endlessly, as if she was a puzzle that needed to be solved. The more of it he solved, the better he seemed to understand himself. And so, as he watched her standing by the large window in the training quarters his consciousness reached out to hers tentatively, causing them to connect through the Force almost instantly.

He didn’t mean to pry her mind, in fact he only wanted to sense if she was okay, but something opened the connection between them, showing him what was there in her head.

He could see her, like a scene unfolding right in front of him, the cold dark tones of the training room changing into those of sand and clay and moonlight. For a moment he wondered what he was looking at. She was bent over, holding a boy, a child still. Her dark hair hid her face from him and the moonlight on her tan skin reminded him of the vision they had shared. The sight made his heart skip a beat. Was this a possible version of their future again? He found himself yearning for exactly that. Something to show him that he might end up safe and happy in some place in time.  
Ben soon realized this was something different. As she moved to brush her hand across her cheek her hair moved aside, and he could tell she was younger here, her arms covered in fresh cuts and bruises instead of scars.

From a distance she looked fierce. Her delicate features twisted into a frown, eyes dark with anguish. But her gestures toward the little boy were so tender, as if the child in her arms might break at her touch. He could tell she was stuck in the memory if only momentarily. Overwhelmed by intense sadness and melancholy Ben reached further, breaching the strong barrier she had been holding up inside of her mind. The child in her vision didn't look up but instead he could see her present self, standing right in front of him, watching the children in the dirt.

The scene changed, showing him laughter, tears, fear, devotion, anger. All in the face of the boy. The boy did not look like Erin, yet he could tell certain gestures and actions were definitely something he had from her. At the same time he could sense all her feelings for the child, running deep and with such passion that he admired her even more because of it. The boy seemed to age in Ben’s mind’s eye until he was about fifteen. Face hardened, handsome and scarred, but the look in his eyes didn’t fade. The boy looked at her as if she was his entire world. She was his hero. Ben remembered looking at someone like that once. He had ended up killing him.

He saw Erin reach out to the boy’s face, intense sadness welling up inside the both of them. He wanted to take some of that pain away, and so he reached out. As soon as he touched her shoulder they were back in the training quarters. The memory faded as Erin dropped her arm, turning quickly to face Ben with large damp eyes. Much older and experienced than the girl he had seen just moments ago. He stepped closer, reaching out to caress her arm but she stepped back simultaneously. A gesture that surprised Ben and he frowned.

“Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” she asked.

“Who is he?” he asked at the same time.

She didn’t answer him. Instead her eyes watched him defiantly. Ben wondered what he had done wrong. He didn’t invade her mind, she had invited him in. He watched her intently, eyes narrowing as his head cocked to the side. No, this was something else.

“Who is he?” he asked again. There was no menace in his voice, only curiosity.

Erin looked down, contemplating her answer as she took in a deep breath. Her narrow shoulders rising and falling heavily.

“He’s the closest thing to family I have left.”

When she looked back up her hostility was gone, at least for now. Ben had a feeling it would be back, he could sense its stirring presence through the Force.

“What’s his name?” gentle small steps, in his curiosity as well as toward her physically. She hardly spoke of her life before or outside of the First Order. He had almost forgotten she might have had one.

“Eloi.” She answered truthfully, her eyes wary. Was she scared of him?

Ben nodded, taking in the name, deciding it fit the boy’s elegant face.

“Where is he now?”

This question spiked her hostile emotions and he realized she was extremely protective over the boy. Did she really think he would ever hurt someone she cared for? Ben wondered if she saw him as a monster after all.

“I don’t know.” The truth, again. And she was hurting over it.

“He could join you, here. If you’d like.” Ben thought he was doing her a favour, hoping she’d be thankful and happy because of the gesture. Instead her frown deepened, and her eyes grew even more sad.

“Eloi never wanted me to come here…he didn’t want me to leave.” Her voice was softer now, a whisper.

“But I did.” He could sense the guilt she felt, and the intensity of it was almost as if looking into a mirror. She understood what he felt because she was feeling it too.

“He’s the boy from your story? The one with the broken eye?” Ben asked, realizing he already knew the answer.

“You saved him.”   
Ben remembered everything she had ever told him, connecting the dots wherever he could. Solving the mystery that was the woman he came to love.

She shrugged, tears welling up in her eyes, she almost looked as if she was ashamed of saving him, as if she was ashamed of being human. Ben recognized the sensation.

“The decision could’ve killed me. But it was one of the best one’s I’ve ever made.”

Ben closed the distance in between them now, resting his hands on her shoulders. There was a spark as they touched, sending a shiver up his arms. As she looked up at him she spoke carefully.

“I’m kinda good at making bad decisions.”

 

***  
  
He moved even closer and now that he was touching her Erin forgot why she had been scared of him moments ago. Did she really think he would hurt Eloi? She wasn’t sure.

As he looked down at her she saw a dangerously attractive energy in his eyes.

“Am I one of those bad decisions?” he asked, voice husky and slightly seductive.

He had no idea how right he was to ask her that and when he saw the hesitation in her eyes Ben quickly pulled back, turning away from her. However strong and powerful he may seem, his soul was fragile and fickle. Scarred by the past.

“Why are we doing this? Why do we have to destroy half the galaxy?” Erin spoke before she could stop herself, suddenly angry with the man in front of her. Part of this _had been_ a bad decision although she didn’t regret the outcome of it. Just like with Eloi.

When Ben turned he looked more like Kylo Ren than the man she had come to know.

“You question my leadership?” he hissed, his emotions suddenly dark like her own.

“This isn’t your leadership. It’s Hux’s. He made this decision. Why are you letting him?”

Ben took two large steps and towered over her, his face hovering just over hers, contorted in anger. He didn’t touch her. He didn’t need to to make her feel his resentment. She sensed it with every fibre.   
“I’m not letting anyone do anything. This is my army, my command!”

He was throwing a tantrum, raising his voice at her like a child, Erin didn’t flinch. Instead she stood there and took in all his anger, fuelling her own as she glared up at him defiantly. He was about to attack everything she believed in, maybe even her friends and the realization had dawned upon her so suddenly it was hard to hold back now.

“Don’t you dare question me. This is the only way. This is what the First Order needs!”

Erin could feel her heart beat quicken, her breathing going even faster as Ben’s voice grew more menacing with each word.

“And how much more are you willing to destroy?” Erin snarled.

“As much as it takes for the First Order to gain the respect it deserves!”   
“Keep it up like this and there won’t be a galaxy to rule over.” Erin shook her head and brushed past him, assuming the discussion was futile. If she would stay any longer she would end up regretting the things she wanted so badly to say. But Ben didn’t let her go, instead he closed his hand around her elbow, pulling her toward him to make her look at him.

“Where is this coming from?” his frown was deep and she could tell he was doing a final attempt at understanding her.

Erin didn’t pull her arm free, instead she sighed deeply.

“Do you really need to kill all of them?”

He looked at her long and hard but did not answer. When the silence grew uncomfortable Erin pulled her arm from his hand.

“I believe you’re better than this.”

And she stormed off and out of the sanctuary that had once been hers.


	34. Sides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick and ominous chapter update for you guys before I head off on my vacation. I will be traveling for 10 days and will take a break from writing along with it. When I'll return the last few chapters will be coming up!

Ben stood in silence for a moment, pursing his lips as he stared down at his feet wondering how everything had escalated so quickly. He could feel himself boiling with anger and most of all frustration before storming after Erin. She had a decent head start but he knew where she was going, there was only one other place for her to go and he would not let this night end like this.

 

His steps were big and aggravated, and he was pleased to notice all personnel avoiding him at all cost. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure what he’d do if anyone got in his way at this point.

Once he arrived at her door he didn’t even bother knocking, opening it with one quick motion of his hand and the power of the Force. When he stormed in and closed the door behind him she didn’t seem at all startled, she only turned to face him. He recognized the look in her eyes and it drove him crazy. She had never been easy on him, which was one of the things in her that attracted him most. He growled under his breath as he moved closer, walking up to her until she backed up against the wall. Not because she was scared, but because she didn’t want to be touched while angry. Because when they touched they went beyond reason and were driven by something deeper than that. He knew this because he felt it too.

Ben was breathing heavily now, from rushing after her and holding back his frustration.

“You can’t do that. You can’t just say things like that and walk away, Erin.” he growled low, honestly confused by her words and actions from before. The woman didn’t answer, and Ben wondered how her eyes were even capable of growing even more defiant.   
“What do you want from me?!”

“It’s not about what I want!” she yelled, and Ben moved back his head from hers in slight surprise before groaning as his frustration hit a boiling point making him want to fight and kiss her at the same time. There was something in that fighting spirit of hers that drove him wild.

“There’s an entire galaxy out there screaming for help and peace and balance!” she moved forward now, pointing at his chest. He could feel the anger coming from her in strong, forceful waves.

“And I will bring it to them!” He pushed back now, pressing his chest against her finger until her entire palm was pressed to his sternum.

“By killing anything in your way?!”

“If I have to!”

Both of them were yelling and by now they weren’t only pushing each other back physically but through the Force as well. He could tell how she rolled her eyes and shook her head now, mumbling something under her breath which he couldn’t quite understand.

“Say it.” He rumbled.

She narrowed her eyes at him, unwilling to give in.

“SAY IT!” He roared, he could sense her disappointment and he wanted her to say it. To punish him for the monster he was. Because he knew she would sooner or later.

“You’re impossible.” She shook her head. 

“I never pretended to be anything I’m not.” He snarled. “You knew that I was a monster before all of this.” Ben turned and headed for the door, he should’ve known she’d see him for what he was eventually. They all did. His father, his mother, Luke, Rey. And they all left him.

He was stopped by her hand on his arm, pulling him away from the metal sliding door. Ben pulled back to keep going and she quickly slid her body in between him and the door.

“You’re _not_ a monster, you just don’t have to do _this_..” she said as she placed her small hands on his chest, sending an electrifying sensation down his chest and to a place that would easily take over control if she kept going like this.

“I want to.” He said, referring to the battle while referring to something else entirely at the same time.

She shook her head, the anger not gone but subdued.

“No, you don’t.”

Ben felt himself calm too, his anger changing into something that needed to be released.

“I do..” he said, unsure if it really was what he wanted. He had been angry when Hux initiated the whole thing, why was that?

She shook her head again and moved closer now, sliding her hands up to his neck. Was she seducing him into agreeing with her? If so, he was falling for it. For a brief moment he wondered if this was what she had done when she worked for Hux. Killing all those men that had crossed him. Did she seduce them into thinking she would do them no harm? The thought passed just as quickly, leaving Ben feeling angry and jealous of anyone that had ever been near her that way. He found himself moving his hands to her hips now, pressing his fingers into the fabric of her robes to pull her closer. She swayed forward slightly to his touch.

“What do you want from me?” he asked again, this time in a pleading whisper of confusion.

“You say you think I’m better than this..” he shook his head, his voice growing louder again.  “Better than what? Is this about the Force? About the path I’ve chosen?”

Erin dropped her hands now, no doubt sensing the anger growing within him again.

“What..you think because you had some worthless connection to the light _once_ , you’re better than this?”

There it was again, that sense of betrayal. Ben realized he was still not over her turning to the light so easily and he knew it was because he was scared to lose her. Because once something turned to the light that easily, how could it ever be interested in the dark?

 

***  
  
His words didn’t hurt because they weren’t true. She could see in his eyes that he knew that too. She could see anger, but the anger was fuelled by fear. These were still Ben Solo’s eyes.

Erin shook her head, now it was her turn to be frustrated because she couldn’t find the words to explain to him what she was feeling without telling him she was a traitor. But she would try.

“It’s not about the light, Ben!” the words came out louder and more aggressive than she had meant them to.

“It’s not about the light..or the dark side. Why does it have to be that way? I just don’t understand!”

Erin moved away from him now, needing space to think. He moved simultaneously, turning to keep his eyes on her. They were dark and filled with rage, the desperate kind you see in people holding on for dear life to what they have come to know.

“I don’t know what happened, or if what we saw was real. I don’t even know what I was doing, most times I don’t. Almost always.” Erin took a few small steps closer to him, her eyes fixed upon his but she didn’t see them soften.

She decided to be as honest as she could be, maybe even brutally so. Forgetting the different sides they were on, forgetting that she was a spy and he was supposed to be her enemy. She was telling him her true fears, the ones she would and could never talk to her friends about.

“I don’t have the answers because I don’t know how to do this, Ben. And I’m so scared. There’s a war going on inside of me between two sides that, if I’m honest, I can’t choose between because it’s all part of _me_.”

His eyes turned from fire into careful curiosity.   
“The ugly, angry parts of me are easy, familiar. And I don’t hate you for using them to push me to be stronger.”

Erin was trembling now, standing in the middle of the room facing the man she loved, telling him she might not be what he wanted her to be.

“But I can’t deny the part of me that saw that future. That feeling of calm, of serenity… I haven’t felt that before and I’m not willing to give it up.”

She could see how he pursed his lips now, taking in her every word. Ben didn’t move, he only balled his fists as he chewed on his cheek.

“I don’t understand why we have to choose. I don’t understand why we keep repeating the mistakes made in the past.” Erin realized she wasn’t only talking about the Dark side or the First Order now, but she was starting to doubt the Resistance as well.

“We choose light or dark, this side or the other, destroying our opposites without even listening to what they have to say and I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of fighting what I’m feeling, of pretending to be one or the other because I’m not. And I don’t believe the Force is either.”

“What are you saying?” Ben’s voice sounded scared and hesitant. As if he was preparing for her to leave him. As if he was prepared to be abandoned once again.

“I’m saying I believe in the Force. And I believe in you.” She stepped even closer now, taking his hands in hers. Erin looked down at his balled fists and ran her fingertips along the white of his knuckles. She leaned in to kiss them and felt them tense up at the gesture. He was towering over her, stiff and anxious. She knew he was taking in her words and she could sense he recognized the struggle yet he was too scared to voice it. His eyes had turned from angry to sad, tormented by something he wasn’t ready to share with her just yet. He was so close to turning away from it all, Erin could sense it. The hesitation, the fear of the unknown, not knowing if he could ever be forgiven for what he had done but he wouldn’t talk about it, he couldn’t. He could only whisper the start of it.

“I’m scared too.”

Erin looked up at him, holding on tightly as his fingers intertwined with hers.

“I know.”

 

 

 

***  
  
Ben knew there was still a lot to talk about, their problems far from resolved. But it did not matter in this moment because all he wanted was to be near her. Her words had not felt foreign, in fact he could’ve heard himself say them instead. She was struggling with something he had struggled with all his life and yet she didn’t seem paralyzed by her fear. She was facing it head on, not ashamed of who or what she was but instead voicing her unpopular opinion with pride.

Although Erin had told him she was scared, she wasn’t scared of him. She had stood before him, the monsters that was now the Supreme Leader of the First Order, Dark Side warrior and Jedi Killer, and admitted that she would never fully join the dark side. Ben knew this should’ve angered him, he knew that if Snoke would be alive he would’ve ordered him to kill her a long time ago, yet Ben only felt relief. Relief that someone out there was just as conflicted as he had been.

 

He had silenced their conversation by kissing her, soft and slow at first, until she had stopped trembling. Thoughts of TIE fighters, bombs, Stormtrooper squads and strategies haunted his mind after the long day. Wondering over and over if every command he had made had been the right one. There was so much at stake, so much happening the following morning.

Her hands were soft as they slipped along his neck to his cheeks to hold his face. The sensation of her skin on his cheeks was warm and tingling and Ben sighed against his lips as a serenity came over him that seemed to resemble a soft wave of warm water and he knew it was her.

She pulled back slightly, resting her forehead against his as she played with his hair. He could hear how she took in his scent, breathing against his lips.

“You’re okay…” she said soothingly.

Her hands caressed his hair and neck like he could break right there and then, and he leaned in to bury his face in the crease of her neck, moving his arms around her waist in a tight embrace. Ben snarled against the skin of her neck, releasing the fear, frustration and sadness he felt, lifting her up flush against his chest. Her arms folding around his neck instantly as his hands moved quickly from her waist to her legs, supporting her weight. His hold on her tight enough to be considered eager. Her face was hovering over his now and her fingertips traced the frown of his brow.

“You’re okay, Ben.” She said again, so softly. He reached out to her and although she seemed calm he could feel the storm of emotions inside of her as clearly as if they were his own and not only did he want to forget _his_ troubles, he wanted to take away _hers_ as he carried her over and to her small bed, kissing the soft skin of her neck up to the dark rough parts of the scar at her jaw.

He lay her down as gently as he could, careful to support her head as he did, running his hand along her hair and neck to her chest where he could feel her heart beating. Steady and slow, a sign of life.

She looked up at him like none of their conversation had happened, the hint of a tender smile playing at the corners of her lips as she reached out to put her hand over his heart, mirroring his actions.

“I don’t care.” He whispered out of the blue. Ben thought the conversation was over, that it was better to resume it another time, but it wasn’t. It didn’t feel right. Instead he said what he knew _did_ feel right.

“I don’t care which side of the Force you follow.”

He didn’t give her time to answer him, leaning in to press his lips against hers. She didn’t owe him any further explanation, she didn’t owe him anything at all. Tomorrow would be the time for duty and destiny, tonight there was only time for her.

Ben made love to her like it was the first and the last time and somewhere during the kisses and heated caresses he felt a strange sensation as if this was a goodbye of sorts. For the briefest of moments he wondered if the Force was trying to tell him something or if his anxious mind was just playing tricks on him but the moment passed quickly as Ben was consumed by a passion and love that burned even brighter than any of the fury within him ever had.


	35. Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry it took me a while to update but I have been on vacation and a short writing break but I am back and more inspired than ever. I'm so excited to finish this part of the story and let you see this thing unfold. I am also very excited to see Solo this coming week and read Last Shot for some more Star Wars/Solo family related inspiration. Anyway, have fun and there will be a another chapter coming hopefully later this week.

Erin watched as Ben was lying next to her, pressed up against the wall and her body, barely fitting on the narrow mattress. Her head was resting on the bare skin of his bicep while his other arm was draped over her waist. His hand twitching every now and then from whatever dream had invaded his mind, his face looking much softer like this.

There was no way Erin could be sure if she would run into the Resistance today but even if they had managed to escape in time her time was running out. Hux knew her secret and so Ben would too, soon. She did her best to stay as still as possible to prolong this moment of calm before the storm.

Something had changed between them during last night’s fight, Ben had never said he would call of the battle, in fact he never even said he agreed with her. Erin wondered if she was just fooling herself believing he was better than this, fooling herself into thinking they would ever agree on anything important. But then she would remember how their connection made her feel and it drove all her doubts and thoughts away. Ben _was_ better than this, he just wasn’t ready to carry the burden that would come with admitting that. Just like Erin wasn’t ready to carry the burden she was facing if she would ever return to her friends. How would she explain everything she had done? Would they ever forgive her, would they ever understand? Erin moved up slightly to bury her face in Ben’s neck, pressing herself closer to him, taking in his scent and the heat radiating from his bare skin as she slipped her arm around his waist wishing the moment could last forever.

 

***  
  
Ben woke to the soft feeling of eyelashes fluttering against the skin of his neck. He didn’t know how his instincts could tell him so well what to do but he listened to them anyway, moving his arms tightly around the delicate naked frame of the woman next to him pulling her in closer before looking down to meet her eyes. He had never been with anyone the way he was with her yet his body and mind seemed to know what to do effortlessly. He wished everything was this easy. Moving his hand up to cup the side of her face he felt how she leaned into his hand, making her face look small and doll like.

“Are you alright?” he asked, wanting to know if she was alright after their fight that night.

She nodded, and he could tell it was a half-truth, her emotions calm enough for her to be alright this instant but he could feel a hint of nauseating anxiety within her. He didn’t press the matter.

“Just don’t leave my side, and it’ll be fine.” He said, and she shifted slightly in his arms. She frowned slightly, her eyes hardening into something he recognized all too well, the expression almost made him smile. Almost.

“I don’t need your protection, you know.” She objected, and he knew she was right. He had seen her defending herself and him at the same time and she had only grown stronger since.

“I know, but I might need yours.”

 

By the time both Ben and Erin had gotten dressed the ship rumbled beneath their feet, indicating it had finally left hyperspace and was traveling at a slower pace now. They were close to Moar. For a moment Ben’s hand hovered over the place just over his hip that had been pierced upon impact the last time he had been on the planet. The medical droids had been able to heal most of it with synth skin, leaving just the shallow pink traces of a scar.

“Does it still hurt?” Erin’s voice was so gentle, it still surprised him she had that side to her and her softness was directed at him. Ben looked up at her and dropped his hands to his side, shaking his head. “No.”

She nodded firmly, pressing her full lips together and he knew she was preparing herself mentally for whatever was to come, her dark eyes looked large now that her hair was pulled back. For a brief moment Ben wondered if they’d ever know peace. His ambitions for the galaxy remained unchanged, he wanted to bring peace and order to the chaos that was the universe. But maybe his intentions had shifted, softened somehow in the absence of Snoke’s ever-present cruelty. He wanted to do right by the galaxy, be a good ruler, he used to truly believe the dark side could help him do so. There was immense power needed to make a change in a world this big and there was no way the light side could be enough to do so.

“I should go first. The final brief will start soon.” Ben’s voice was deep and grave, Erin simply nodded and straightened her back. He waited by the door and watched as she gathered the weapons she had been given during their first mission and fastened them in the appropriate places. Ben hesitated by the door and walked back up to the woman that now had his heart. She glances up at him as she checked her shoelaces, her brow pulled up in a puzzled look.

“What?” she asked.

He stared at her long and hard, his face almost unreadable and the silence almost too long as he tried to make sense of that ever present sensation in the Force that he knew was trying to tell him something. When he couldn’t figure it out he blinked.

“Just be careful today.”

To his amusement she rolled her eyes and stood up straight, grinning at him. He hardly saw that smile and each time he did he wanted more of it.

“Just go. I’ll meet you at the briefing room in five.”

And so Ben did, storming out of the room and down the halls as Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.

  
***

 

Erin walked into the room not expecting any new information. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a familiar face on the other side of the table. Next to Aurora was her brother, and traitor to the Supreme Leader; Bass. He looked tired but in shape, grinning darkly at anyone who came in. Erin couldn’t help but raise a single eyebrow as she took place at the table. Hux was already there, standing right by her chair, hovering behind her as he rested one hand on the back of her seat. Ben had not yet arrived when he bend down next to her, she could feel the warmth of his breath against her neck as he whispered softly.

“I know your secret now, _miss Agarun_.”

Erin didn’t move, her back stiff and covered in cold sweat as she pressed her tongue to the roof of her mouth and tried to control her breathing. She glanced over at the general quickly as he stood up tall, grinning down at her.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret. For now.”

She knew all about Hux’ little secrets. The last time the two of them had shared a secret he had asked her to kill Kylo Ren. He was playing a game, Erin realized as she glanced around the room and she couldn’t do anything but play along. If she would use the Force on him in a room full of officials and Force sensitive individuals she would surely get caught. She eyed Hux as he moved from her seat, dragging his fingertips along the top of it before walking to the front of the table. Erin was so focused on Hux she barely heard Ben come in, her attention only shifted because she sensed him through the Force just before he stood next to Hux.

What was happening? What was Hux’s plan and what was Bass doing here?

As Ben spoke Erin noticed how he made a point out of not looking at her, avoiding eye contact unless it was absolutely necessary, and she realized it was becoming harder to hide what they shared. Eyes were fixed upon his every move and in a way, she was a liability to him. He didn’t speak much and let Hux go over most of the strategies of the mission, Erin figured leadership was different here than back at the Resistance, but once the meeting came to an end Ben moved in front of Hux, looking tall and suddenly dangerously determined.

“This mission will not be a second Hosnian Cataclysm. We are not here to destroy a planet, we are not here to commit genocide.” The way he said it made Erin’s heart skip a beat, did he not agree with the way things went down during the distruction of the New Republic?

“We are here to gather information on our enemy and show them the First Order will not let rebellion stand in the way of our mission. You have all been briefed a most wanted list and take note; _we will be taking prisoners_. The galaxy will be watching, and this is our time to show the First Order will bring order and justice to the galaxy. Hux will oversee the mission from the Supremacy. Aurora, Bass, you’ll take the second Upsilon-class shuttle and will lead your assigned infantry squadrons, any high-ranking officials are to be taken back to the Supremacy. Agarun will join me on the command shuttle to find and capture the New Republic’s remaining leadership. The rest of you will remain at your post until _my orders_ tell you otherwise.”

Ben’s eyes were dark and fixed upon Hux for a moment before he continued, talking only to Hux now.

“You will wait for my signal, only after we’ve obtained the subjects your captains and the riot control troopers may occupy the city. I want this to go in an orderly fashion this time, general. No mess.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” And although Hux agreed with words, he was clearly unhappy with Ben’s choice of words. Ben was unfazed by Hux’s slowly reddening face as he turned back to the other officials in the room.

“To your posts.” And with those words they all got up in unison and left the room to fulfil their duties.

 

Erin crossed her arms in front of her chest as she waited for everyone to leave the room, patiently watching as Aurora went over some last tactics with Ben before she too left the room alongside her brother.

General Hux hovered by the door for a moment, watching both Erin and Ben closely. When Ben started to move and Erin followed, Hux shifted quickly and moved to Ben’s other side.

“Supreme Leader, may I suggest…” he started.

“You may not, general. Your orders are clear. Have them prepare my ship and squad.”

“But sir, taking prisoners is awfully…”

Ben stopped walking suddenly, his movements so swift it took Erin by surprise as he turned to Hux and snapped at him.

“Awfully _what_ , general? Wise?”

“Well.”

“You still question your Supreme Leader’s orders?”

“No sir, I merely wanted to mention the complications that could come with such a complex mission.”

“Do your job and there should be no complications now should there, general?”

“Of course, Supreme Leader.”

Hux knew he wasn’t winning an argument from his commander at this point, disappointment and disdain clearly visible on his face. Ben’s face however was unreadable, a handsome marble mask.

“As you wish.” Hux said as he clicked his heels together before rushing off to his post.

Erin followed alongside Ben in silence, she could occasionally feel his cloak brush past her left calf.

“So…Bass huh?” Erin said quietly under her breath, she knew he’d hear her no matter how soft her voice.

Ben didn’t look at her but she could tell how his shoulders tensed slightly and his step turned a little quicker.

“I’ll explain later.” He mumbled.

“No need, Supreme Leader.”

And this was true, because as she sensed his emotions through the Force she knew he had finally done the right thing without anyone making the decision for him. He had shown mercy, and although Kylo Ren would’ve thought that made him weak, Ben Solo knew differently. Mercy made him human, mercy made others loyal. And with this action her loyalty toward him only grew, like the swelling of her heart with pride as she hurried to keep up with him.

 

 

***  
  
Erin wasn’t a bad co-pilot. In fact, she was quite a good one, maybe a little more uncontrolled and impatient than he was, but capable nonetheless. She seemed to seamlessly understand what he needed while controlling the ship which he knew was partly because of the Force. He stole glances at her whenever he could, watching her work beside him quietly. Ben knew the Stormtroopers were unable to hear them from the passenger hold but he still didn’t let his guard down. In these moments he felt like someone else, someone others expected him to be, someone he had never truly been. He now realized more than ever that Kylo Ren didn’t only _wear_ a mask, he _was_ the mask. And yet she understood, able to separate emotion from duty, respecting him as a lover and a leader. The thought alone made him feel stronger and more confident about the vision he had for the future. He could try and be a good leader, not only a cruel emperor. He wanted to.

 

As they approached their destination Ben ordered the Stormtroopers to get ready for landing. Since the previous attack on Moar he had selected the most promising Stormtroopers to form his personal squad. Snoke had had his Praetorian guards and although Ben wasn’t planning on being a passive leader only pulling strings from the safety of the Supremacy, he knew he needed protection if he was to serve the First Order to the best of his abilities. He wouldn’t hide in the safety of a throne room, but he wouldn’t go on another suicide mission either, for now the selection of Stormtroopers had to do.  As he heard them rummaging and preparing for battle in the hold he glanced over at Erin, resisting the urge to touch her hand which was now hovering over the ships control panel.

“You ready?” he asked.

“Always.”

Even though Ben knew this was true, that she’d always be ready to fight and follow him, there was something in her voice that reminded him of that foreshadowing sensation in the Force making him wonder if the fight they had had about this very battle had left a scar deeper than he could fix.  

 


	36. Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few more chapters left you guys! Let me know what you think and thank you so much for sticking with this story.

They weren’t the first to arrive. Aurora and Bass had already arrived with their ground troops.

The city of Moar was clearly visible from the cliffs where they had landed, high walls and sand coloured towers that seemed to glitter just slightly in the fading sunlight. Erin could tell the city was just becoming aware of the threat that had landed at their door and she could only hope they were ready for what was to come.

 

The Stormtroopers were well organized, following orders without question as they marched along. Half of them following Aurora, who held her hand up high with an object Erin had only heard of before. A sword like weapon with an electro-plasma filament following its entire length, creating a tall and magnificent energy blade. Erin was sure it would even withstand a lightsaber. The weapon surprised her since she had only heard of the Praetorian guard carrying such sophisticated weaponry. Of course, they were gone now. Maybe their weapons were not. When her glance went to Bass she saw him carrying the same type of weapon, only his looked more like an axe with strangely seemed to suit his personality.

 

Erin quietly followed Ben as he marched right up to the city, his troopers scurrying around them for protection. She wanted so badly to stop him, to put her hand on his arm and pull him after her until they could run away from all of it but she was in too deep now. He would never walk away from this battle and Erin wondered if she would ever be enough for him to turn away from any of it at all.

Ben seemed to sense her anxiety as he quickly glanced down at her by his side, his hand hovering over the hilt of his lightsaber that was swaying gently at his hip.

Erin in turn moved her hand over the blaster secured to her thigh, readying herself for confrontation. They moved slowly but steady, watching how Aurora’s troops entered the city first, violently breaking down their glimmering gates with ion blasters and aggression after which the fight began.

 

The people of Moar had been waiting behind the gate, armed and ready for the enemy that had been heading their way and this made Erin hope that her message had reached the Resistance. Warriors spilled out from the gates, attacking the stormtroopers that tried to get into the city resulting into full battle even before they could well reach the entrance.

Ben moved slow and steady, seemingly unfazed by the battle forming before him and Erin tried to follow his lead. His cloak started to dance in the wind, making him look even more intimidating than he already was. They were nearing the gates now and Erin could hear the sounds of frightened civilians screaming, she could see fire and smoke and chaos and tensed slightly as she suddenly heard the crackling and humming noise of Ben’s ignited lightsaber next to her. She could sense fear and danger and desperation through the Force and it was coming from all around her. It was almost too much to bare and as they marched closer and closer Erin was almost grateful to prepare herself for close combat. Almost.

 

***  
  
He was nervous.

 

So nervous.

 

It was an unfamiliar emotion for him during battle. Usually he was mostly angry and partly arrogant, indifferent to the fear and chaos surrounding him. But this time was different. As soon as they arrived at the gates most of the enemy warriors had been driven back into the city, leaving enough space for them to pass freely. The stormtroopers surrounding them were first to engage as warriors and civilians alike tried to defend their city. Ben readied his lightsaber, holding it up and next to him, his eyes scanning his surroundings as he aligned himself with the Force to take in the energy surrounding him, ready for its warnings. He sensed her next to him, a soft and steady vibration, like wrinkles in the water, wrinkles that could turn into a vortex any moment. And she did. As soon as a warrior broke through the barrier of troopers her hands were filled with blasters. The weapons never slowed her down, never reduced her agility. She moved in front of him, alternating high kicks of her legs to wide chests with precise blasts of her weapons. Ben had only once seen her fight with his lightsaber, and he wondered what she would look like with one now. Her style was still dangerous and wild and he almost regretted teaching her otherwise. But the way she had adapted to his style, using his techniques, made him swell up with pride. He hoped she would teach him her ways someday too, the way she could make a man twice her size drop to his knees with a simple blow of her hand to his throat or the trick she did with her elbow.   


Ben had no time left to observe her as he engaged into battle, the blows of his lightsaber damaging but not fatal, as he mowed his way through the chaos, scanning the crowd for familiar faces. The sun was setting, casting an orange glow over the city. They headed up stairs leading through small streets filled with Stormtroopers overtaking buildings, searching for the faces and names that had been on the provided list. Ben watched as chaos unfolded around him, fuelling the anger and frustration within him. The New Republic should not have survived, he wanted to know how they had managed to do so, who helped them, what their plans were for rebuilding the republic and he wanted to stop their corrupt organisation from taking over the galaxy. The New Republic was as flawed as their predecessors had been. Even his mother had known that. Sure, the Resistance had teamed up with the New Republic numerous of times. But even General Leia Organa had seen the flaws in their system. Now that they had survived, Ben felt it was his duty to find their corrupt leadership and bring them to justice. It was what Snoke would have wanted, what the First Order desired and what the galaxy needed to truly thrive.  

 

Ben was happy to see that the Stormtroopers he had selected were extraordinarily capable, giving him time to lean in to Erin, speaking close to her ear and loud enough to be heard over the pandemonium of battle.

“The leadership, they’ll be somewhere less accessible.”

She looked up at him for a moment, pulling his arm down as they both ducked to dodge a blaster bolt they had sensed through the Force.

“Either way up, or way down.” She replied, understanding what he was asking of her. He could feel her energy brush past his as they both opened up through the Force to sense their surroundings, searching for a disturbance or inconsistency, anything that gave away the location of the people they were looking for.

 

***  
  
She sensed him first. It was the first time sensing his energy through her new found gift of the Force but she knew it was him. He felt like home, like short arms around her waist and like starlight. Eloi was here. Which meant the Resistance was here. Which meant Poe was here too. Her heart skipped two beats. She reached further and even before she sensed him she knew what he would feel like. Where Eloi felt like starlight, smooth and quiet and deep, Poe felt like sunshine. He felt warm and restless and good. It was strange to find them like this, not physically but with her feelings and mind. For a moment it felt strangely reassuring, after which she found herself being snapped back to reality by Ben’s voice.

“What did you find?” he yelled at her, not out of anger but because he needed the distance to fight off his enemy. He didn’t break his gaze on her, simply deflecting blows of blasters with his weapon.

Erin shook her head, quickly as she blinked to try and rid herself of her previous emotions.

“I’m not sure yet.”

The both of them kept moving and Erin knew he would sense everything she did, not because he was invading her mind but because their minds roamed in the same intangible space now. She realized he was protecting her by keeping tabs on her emotions and the energy surrounding her and her heart broke a little.

 

Only one of the Stormtroopers Ben had selected had fallen, the rest of them kept moving in a strong and steady barrier surrounding them, creating a path for them to follow.

“Up.” Ben groaned as he rushed up narrow stairs and Erin followed, unsure of what she would do should they find a familiar face.

“Incoming!” the distorted voice of one of the Stormtroopers was loud above anything else and before Erin realized what was happening the ground was shaking beneath them. She felt a pull and a heavy pressure before clashing into the wall the stairs was attached to.

The pressure was Ben’s body pressed to hers, providing protection from the incoming blow from above. His hands were over her head, pressing it down as yet another loud bang made the surface beneath them rumble.

“X-wing starfighters, sir. Four of them.” The Stormtrooper reported as he rose to his feet.

Ben was quick to move, helping Erin up in the process and as their hands touched that familiar shock of electricity was there once again. The Stormtroopers didn’t seem to question their Supreme Leaders actions of affection but then again they weren’t made to question anything they saw. Ben’s eyes were grave as he looked at her, asking her if she was okay without words. She nodded just slightly.

“The Resistance is here. We need to keep moving.” He stated.

Erin glanced up to see the X-Wing’s above, brushing off her knees as she moved to follow Ben and the troopers. And then she saw him. His face small and unclear but the flash of his black hair and the red and white of his astro-mech best friend were enough. Poe Dameron was on that X-Wing, and he had spotted Kylo Ren.

 


	37. Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a couple more chapters until the end. I'm anxious writing these chapters! Trying not to rush things and get it all right. I hope you'll enjoy the little reunion in these chapters as much as I do. Let me know what you guys think!

Erin followed the X-Wing’s every move until it disappeared out of sight, rushing after Ben who had started to climb the stairs faster. He was onto something or someone, she could tell. She also knew he was being provided with information through his commlink which he had not shared with her yet.  
When they reached the top of the stairs the Stormtroopers once again scattered around them to protect the Supreme Leader. They were at a crossing, two narrow paths moving in either direction. Ben turned to face Erin, his lightsaber blazing in his hand, the crackling noise still audible over the chaos coming from the city below. She could tell he was in doubt, his eyes moving slightly as he considered his options and she knew he was considering splitting up. She could also tell he was hesitant to do so.

“I’ll take the right.” She answered before he could make up his mind and relief seemed to pass over his face, at least he didn’t have to worry about her feeling abandoned or forced to leave him. She moved and took the commlink of one of the Stormtroopers in her hand, clicking it from its belt and holding it up for Ben to see.

“I’ll come find you. If I find anything, I’ll contact you through this.”

Ben nodded once, his lips pulling up just slightly at one side and Erin realized he was happy to have her helping him. A pang of guilt pulled at her heartstrings as she took a moment to watch him, how his features softened only slightly as he looked at her and how the brown of his eyes was slightly lighter with the last rays of sunshine cast over his face. Ben ordered two troopers to follow her lead, Erin didn’t wait and started to walk quickly in the opposite direction, dodging a blaster bolt in the process. She could feel his eyes on her back and yet couldn’t bring herself to turn and glance back at him one more time.

  
***  
  
She was distant. He knew he had felt something through the Force within her. She had found something, recognized something or someone through her power in the Force and before he could make sense of it she had closed herself off from it. He found himself staring at her just a little too long as she walked away, feeling like he had made a mistake.

“Sir?”

Ben shook his head and glared at the Stormtrooper that had just demanded his attention only to realize he had been asked a question more than once.

“Should we keep going, sir?”

Ben nodded once and stormed up the stairs, his long legs moving up three steps at a time, making it hard for the troopers in their less than flexible armour to keep up with him. They reached the top of the narrow stairs and found themselves at a town square. The ground was covered in bodies, some dead, some merely unconscious and all five paths leading to the square were blocked by First Order Stormtroopers. The few people still conscious looked up as Ben made his way to the middle of the square, women protecting their children, burying them into their chest to hide from him. He could feel their fear, their anger and panic, he could feel all of it and where it would only feed his own fury before it now left him filled with a mixture of frustration and remorse. Part of him thought these people were ungrateful and stupid not to understand the greatness the First Order could bring them. A different part felt like he wanted to kneel down beside them and tell them things were going to be alright, that he was not here to hurt them. But eventhough Ben did not set out to hurt the people of Moar, they were being hurt nonetheless and he couldn’t deny the fact that he was responsible for doing so. It was a necessary means to an end, soon the Resistance would come to an end and he could start to bring peace and order to the galaxy.    
_“Supreme Leader.”  
_ Ben groaned and came to a halt as general Hux’s voice rang through the commlink strapped to his chest.

_“Supreme Leader?”_

He did not reply as he took in his surroundings trying to focus on where the Force was telling him to go.

 _“Ren?!”  
_ The obvious impatience in Hux’s voice was too much.

“What. Is. It.” Ben hissed through his teeth.

“We’ve got at least three of them on their way back to the Supremacy sir. Aurora and Bass say they have a lead to where the others could be. Do you want me to ready the troops for occupation?”

“No.”

“But sir.”

“I said, no.”

Ben broke the connection, looking down at a woman at his feet, begging for the life of her and her child. Something about her reminded him of his own mother, her dark eyes and soft features, eyes filled with tears as her face lit up in the red light of his lightsaber. Ben’s leather covered hand tightened around its hilt. The baby in her arms was completely still, sleeping and unaware of the threat that was imminent. The woman’s hands were pulling at his robes now as she cried louder, making his trooper squad move in around her, one of them grabbing her upper arm violently. Her eyes met his once again and Ben raised his free hand just enough to stop the Stormtrooper from doing the woman any harm. Ben knelt down, never turning off his weapon as he rested his elbow on his knee, his face softening as he watched the woman become silent in surprise and terror. Her eyes big as she pressed her child closer against her chest. Ben didn’t move, feeling all eyes on the square were fixed upon him.

“Where is your leader?” his voice was gentle and low, a dangerous lullaby. He could tell the woman wasn’t expecting this, watched her swallow and blink, considering her answer. He was prepared to use his power to get his answer, but he was hoping it wouldn’t be necessary.

“No one will hurt you.” Ben went on almost soothingly, his tone firm enough so this would register as a command with his men.

“Where is your leader?” he asked again, slower this time and slightly less friendly.

The woman raised a trembling hand, moving it from the child and up toward him. The Stormtroopers tensed, closing in just slightly as the woman reached out to their Supreme Leader but Ben wasn’t scared the woman would hurt him, she couldn’t if she tried. He watched her closely as her slender fingers moved to point beyond him, over his shoulder and he knew through the Force that she was being truthful.

“Thank you.” He whispered and rose to his feet immediately, leaving the square and the woman in perfect safety.

  
***  
  
The Stormtroopers tailing her were a nuisance. They followed her every move and made her stand out like a sore thumb. Everyone and anyone could tell she was with the First Order, making her job very hard to do. She was never planning on finding the last members of the New Republic when she left Ben behind, she was planning on warning whoever she could find about the First Order’s plan to occupy the city after they had found what they were looking for. The city needed to evacuate as soon as possible, not fight a fight they were bound to lose. There were children here, children that needed to escape before the First Order’s regime could take them from their parents. Erin knew Hux. She knew his plans for the future and his strategies for the First Order. She knew what he’d do to a city like this after Ben would give him approval to occupy the place. Even if Ben’s intentions would turn out to be good, he could never make them work with people like the general still so powerful in rank. The New Republic had been a corrupt organisation, this was true, but the First Order was rotten to the core. No matter how good or determined its leader, the institution would always be immoral.

 

Erin also knew that the Stormtroopers would never disobey Ben’s order to protect her and although she felt bad for the men that had never truly chosen this life, she knew there was no other choice than to eliminate the threat to her cause.

She was moving slow, scanning her surroundings, waiting for the perfect time to turn against them. She would have to be careful and think this through. First, she would have to take out the trooper still carrying the commlink, destroy the device while at the same time taking out the other man. Although Stormtroopers - all alike in height- were much taller than her, Erin had no doubt she could do it. As she opened herself up to the Force, she was overwhelmed by the roar of strength and energy surrounding her, entering her body and mind like a strong familiar wave. She couldn’t deny that the feeling of power felt good, moving through her veins and body, recharging her tiring body. But it wasn’t just the power that came with the Force, it was the intense sensation of connectedness. When one with the Force there was no way she could ever feel alone, because she wasn’t, and this knowledge seemed to strengthen her even in this moment making her turn and charge toward the Stormtrooper closest to her, carrying the communication device. When the other started to move toward her she raised her hand, channelling the darkest part of energy within her, targeting it at the man’s throat and into a choke hold. Her other hand moved quick, finger pressing at the trigger of the blaster, destroying the commlink at the trooper’s hip first before holding the weapon up to his face so close it would easily penetrate his armour. It took a lot of concentration for her to keep up the choke hold while also tapping into the Force to control the man in front of her to keep from attacking her. The mental strength it took was in turn taking its toll on her physically, making her arms shake and her fingers tremble, beads of sweat forming on her forehead. She thought it would be easy to render a person unconscious from watching Ben do it so effortlessly, but it was far from simple. It was like finding a switch in the dark while there was immense weight pressing on every part of her body. She couldn’t hardly breathe and could feel herself turn dizzy from exertion.

And then, so suddenly it made her lose her balance for just a moment, it was done. Both men dropped to the ground, balancing the line between life and death, unconscious but breathing.

Erin had no time to be surprised or impressed by her abilities, she had to move. So, she did, rushing through the narrow alley hoping to run into a familiar face soon.

 

After three alleys, four turns and a quick sprint across what before had been a park, she found a face she had hoped not to see in the midst of battle. When she saw how much he had grown she realized she had been away from the people that really mattered for far too long. How long had it been? A year and a half, two? The boy she left behind was gone, he was turning into a young man.

Eloi was pressed back against the wall, hiding from any possible threat coming from around the corner. Erin knew he had to be fifteen years old now, but he looked older, holding an outdated blaster up against his chest, light brown brows pulled into a frown of concentration. Erin couldn’t help but feel anger towards Poe for letting Eloi join in battle. He had been responsible for him after she had left on her mission, and this was far from what she’d had in imagined for Eloi when they joined the Resistance. When Poe saved them from the arenas Erin had sworn to herself Eloi would never have to fight again and she had always succeeded in protecting him from any serious harm even with the Resistance but now he was here, alone. Erin could feel her hands tremble, not from exertion but from nerves this time as she quietly and carefully made her way to the closest person she had to family. Eloi was her brother, if not by blood he was by everything else that mattered.

Keeping him safe and alive had become second nature to her. A second nature that started to kick in now that she saw him in proximity of possible danger. Just a few steps further and she could touch him. Erin rolled her eyes when the boy still didn’t see or hear her. Surely, she was trained to do these things, but it was painfully clear Eloi wasn’t. Had Poe taught him anything about combat or battle at all?

Before she could reach him, the boy turned his face, not yet registering her face, and turning his weapon toward her. Erin’s hands moved up quickly and Eloi’s finger lingered on the trigger of his blaster.   
“It’s me. It’s me!” Erin hissed, taking a step back to make the boy more comfortable, raising her hands up in the air to show him she meant no harm.

“ _It’s m, E.”_   she repeated.

Eloi’s hair was longer now, but the colour was the same, a shade between honey blonde and light brown. He was wearing one of Poe’s old jackets and the shoulder of it was ripped so badly it hardly remained in place. His face was covered in dirt but other than that he looked healthy, golden eyes alive with adrenaline. Erin moved in closer, careful, painfully aware of how she must look to him, dressed in dark robes and equipped with premium First Order weapons.

“ _Erin?”_ his voice was deeper than she remembered it. It hurt to have missed that change in him.

Erin nodded, glancing around quickly to make sure no one noticed them together. When she turned back she couldn’t fight the urge to pull the boy in for an embrace. For a moment she felt his arms move around her, like a reflex, something that had felt so familiar in the past. He smelled different now, and felt different, muscles stronger and tense, his arms long and slim around her. The moment was gone before she wanted to let go of it as Eloi pulled back violently, looking at her with accusation in his eyes.

“Are you alright?” she needed to know.

“What are you doing here?”

“Are you alright?”

“Are you with _him_?”   
The way he said it made her realize Poe had told him about her mission. And although they weren’t family, Eloi even looked like Poe as he glared at her, judgement clearly visible in his golden eyes. Erin moved in closer, carefully placing her hands on his shoulders, he was taller than she was now and again she felt her heart ache as she longed to be back in a time and place where he was still a child.

But Eloi had never been just a child, his childhood had been robbed from him a long time ago and before her stood a young man filled with a thirst for vengeance she recognized all too well. As she placed her hands gently on his jacket the boy recoiled slightly but not enough to move from her touch.

“You need to leave this place, Eloi.” Erin didn’t answer the question about who she was with, she knew Eloi wasn’t stupid and she would never patronize him like that.

“The Resistance needs to take as many citizens as they can and evacuate the city.”

Eloi’s frown grew deeper as he shook his head violently.

“Or what? He’s gonna kill us? I’m not a child anymore, Erin. And we’re not running from the First Order. We’re here to fight.”

Erin gritted her teeth together as her fingertips pressed into Eloi’s shoulders. She shook her head, trying to breathe slowly as anger seemed to boil inside of her. This boy shouldn’t be here. None of these people should, they should be running for freedom.

“Where are the others?” Erin was done reasoning with a child.

Eloi narrowed his eyes and the look he gave her broke her heart. His eyes had always been soft and kind but now they had hardened into something she didn’t recognize.

“Why should I tell you?”

“E…”   
“You’re with Kylo Ren now. How do we know we can trust you?”

“Is that what Poe told you?”

Silence. And a guilty look in the boy’s eyes. Erin raised her brows warningly as she shook his shoulders, asking the question once more without words but the boy remained silent.

“Fine.” Erin was quick to take the Eloi’s commlink from his jacket. He may have thought to be ready for battle, but she had always been quicker than him. She had taught him everything he knew and learned a few new tricks while she had been away, from a way more powerful teacher.   
Erin held the commlink to her lips, pressing the devices buttons so hard her knuckles turned white.

_“Dameron, if you’re listening, I swear I will kick your sorry ass for putting E through this, but first you need to get all our allies out of the city. Evacuate immediately, the First Order is here to occupy this entire place.”_

_“Kaleo is that you?”_  
It was strange to hear her real last name for the first time in so long. The voice on the other side was female and Erin struggled to recognize it for a moment. But the slight accent was enough for her to realize one of her best friends was still alive and right here.   
_“Emma, I know he’s listening.”_   She replied, and she did. Poe would never leave Eloi to fight on his own, at least not entirely.

 _“Are you with him?”_ Poe’s voice sounded low and angry. No hello, no recognition. Erin realized he had not yet forgiven her for what she had made him do.

_“Yes, Eloi’s here and he’s fine.”_

Erin could hear the rhythmic stomping of a Stormtrooper squad not far from where they stood and pulled at Eloi’s jacket to make him follow her. The boy did so reluctantly.

 _“What’s your guy’s game plan?”  
_ Erin rolled her eyes at Poe’s choice of words, glancing around for a place to hide, finding refuge behind a large wooden door that was propped up against the side of a cantina. She pushed Eloi behind the door in front of her, ignoring his quiet protest and pressed herself back against the wall to catch her breath.

“ _Capture remaining survivors of the New Republic, high profile only. Occupy the city.”_

_“Capture? Why not kill?”  
“It’s all I know Poe, we need to get these people out of here if we want to survive.” _

_“I’ve only seen three ships and we’ve destroyed at least one.”_

Erin cursed under her breath at Poe’s elaborate questions. There was no time to doubt her right now. She was relieved to hear his breathing grow louder, this meant he was moving.

_“General Hux is on the Supremacy which is in close proximity of the planet. You know what that Dreadnaught can do.”_

Erin glanced over at Eloi, who was studying the weapons hanging from her hips and the dark heavy fabric of her robes. Was he looking for something?

There was no reply from Poe for an uncomfortably long moment.

_“You have to believe me, Poe. We need to get out.”_

Silence again and both Erin and Eloi were startled by the sound of a fight nearby, when Eloi moved to peek from behind the door Erin quickly pulled him back, shaking her head as she gestured for him to stay silent.

 _“I do. I’ve got a plan. Eloi knows where to meet me.”_  
  
Eloi did know where to meet Poe. It turned out the Resistance had a backup plan, a tunnel that lead just out of the city into a dense forest. The city had broken into complete chaos, fights and riots in the streets, small fires that were spreading quickly, more Stormtroopers and generals than Erin thought should be there in the first place. She had told Eloi to go first and kept her distance just enough not to raise any suspicion. Following him was harder than she thought, he was quick and smart and most importantly he knew where he was going. She wondered how long he had been in the city.

Eloi slipped into a small alleyway, gesturing for Erin to follow. As she reached him he turned to face her.

“Most of us stay out hiding in the woods. We have ships, weapons, power coming from the city. We haven’t been here long, Poe said you lead us here.”

There was an accusation to his tone that made her throat suddenly feel tight. Erin glanced down, unable to meet the boy’s gaze as she spoke.

“I didn’t mean to lead you into _this_.” She said as she gestured back at the disorder behind her.

When Eloi didn’t reply, Erin knew that if she ever was to return to the Resistance, there was a whole new battle for her to fight.

 

They approached the tunnel and Erin began to grow anxious, knowing the Resistance was close made her feel uncomfortable. Would they still welcome her home? Did she still have a home with them? Or did they doubt her intentions like Eloi was doing now?

As soon as she covered the grass covered patch of land in between the city wall and the forest she heard her name. The voice was warm with a hint of disappointed, but oh so familiar. Erin’s eyes moved around the forest that had now turned dark, making sure Eloi was safe. He was immediately surrounded by familiar faces and far away from her, amongst the people surrounding him she found her best friend.

 

Poe Dameron had not changed since she had last seen him. He was still handsome, his eyes kind even though he tried his best to look angry. He wore the same beat up clothes, and around his neck was the shiny silver necklace that carried his mother’s wedding band. He looked like home.

And yet Erin felt herself trembling as she approached him. Poe in turn closed the distance between them until they were standing right in front of each other. He looked down at her and sighed, shook his head as if she was a disobedient child he couldn’t help but forgive and pulled her in for an embrace that made it hard for Erin to stay strong.

“I thought you were dead.” Poe’s breath was warm against the skin of her neck as he whispered what he had feared since their last encounter.

“I’m fine.” Erin replied, even though she wasn’t fine at all, it was just easier to say so.

Poe didn’t let go, his arms tightening around her, making it hard to breathe.

“You are now.” He murmured. “You’re going to be okay, we’ll be okay.”

“ _You_ need to leave.” Erin mumbled, almost emotionless because it was just too hard to give in to being home again with her family. She knew that if she did she might not be able to pick herself up again.   
Poe pulled back from the embrace, his hands resting on her upper arms as he watched her closely, taking in her words carefully. He knew she picked her words intently and he also knew what she meant even though she had not said it yet. Erin watched how his chest rose and fell with a deep sigh before she looked up into his dark eyes again, his frown had deepened but it was not out of anger this time.   
“Please, you have to trust me. Evacuate as many people as you can or the Resistance and whatever is left of the Republic might not survive.” 

The silence was heavy, especially with the noise of the city just behind them.

“Alright.” He replied.

“Alright?” Erin asked.

“I trust you.”

“So, you’ll get them out?”

“I might need your help though.” The right corner of Poe’s mouth curled up and Erin wondered how he could continue where they had left off two years ago so easily. Falling back into the role of partners in crime and best friends like nothing had happened. Erin soon realized it was easiest to do so, easier to not think about the reality of things yet.

“Whatever you need.” Erin replied, both to him and the Resistance.

 

 

***  
  
As Ben arrived at the castle like construction at the top of the stair covered hill that was Moar city he made sure to search every space and room they came across. The building was strangely quiet, which made the sounds coming from the city below all the more eerie. While the Stormtroopers went ahead of him, breaking down doors and moving in machine like unison as they explored each area, Ben found himself growing worried. A sensation he wasn’t all too familiar with, he realized. Glancing down at the commlink dangling at his waist he reached out through the Force to find her energy. He knew he couldn’t worry too openly about her, but this space between all living things that was the Force was almost a sacred one between them. Only a few others knew how to access it, and none of them were looking for her through it.

He recognized her immediately, like picking up a familiar scent. The combination of vulnerability and aggression in her energy never seized to amaze him. As he sensed she was anxious but alive something within Ben immediately seemed to become calm. He had needed just a little taste, a hit of her and he could go on and focus on the task at hand. She could manage, she had proven it to him before. She would be back and together they’d find what he was looking for, maybe she’d find them even sooner than he would. He wouldn’t be surprised if she did.   
Ben lingered there for a moment, his consciousness brushing past hers like hands touching in secrecy. Part of him wished she was back with him now, in any other place and any other time, maybe even in the vision they had shared where he was no longer wearing black robes but rough grey cotton and walked around barefoot. Maybe someday soon they’d be there.

 

He was pulled back from his thoughts and her energy by the crackling sound of the commlink’s bad connection. It kept spitting loudly as Ben moved to take it from his belt, hitting it with his leather gloved hand once, twice, before he heard Aurora’s familiar voice.   
_“Kylo, are you getting this?”_

_“I am now. What is it?”_

_“Civilians, sir. They seem to be evacuating.”_

_“They’re what?”_ Ben’s heart skipped a beat and he wasn’t sure if he felt anger or fear of failure.

“ _I think it might be time to give Hux the signal, Kylo…”_ Aurora’s voice sounded strangely gentle, as if she understood that giving Hux anything that pleased him was a difficult task for Ben.

 _“Yes.”_ Ben replied absentmindedly. _“Ready yourself for phase II, inform Bass and his squad.”_

_“Yes sir.”_

_“General?”_ Ben didn’t wait and switched to address Hux instantly. “Commence phase II, send a second squad to my position.”   
_“Very well, sir.”_ Hux replied, and the self-righteous tone in his voice made Ben wonder if he was making a mistake.  

  


 

 

 

 __  
  



	38. Traitor

As she told Poe everything she had learned about the First Order’s plans for Moar she could feel _him_ close. Not physically but in a far more personal way, a way she had been afraid of before but that felt strangely comfortable now. It started like a strange tickling sensation in the back of her mind and changed into something that felt like recognition. She knew he felt it too. His energy was uneven and warm, smouldering and sometimes paired with a stroke of intense heat, like a sun. For a moment Erin fell silent, distracted as she allowed Ben’s consciousness to brush past and around hers, the most intimate of moments.

“What?” Poe raised his brows at her and Erin was pulled back to reality, her face flushed as she met his gaze and quickly shook her head.

“You’re different.” He stated as he strapped a blaster to his hip.

Erin frowned, the remark made her feel self-conscious and insecure. She knew her time with the First Order had changed her, and Poe didn’t even know half of the things she had done or gone through. Would he ever understand?  

“A lot happened.” She said, unable to meet his eyes as she looked around and watched how what remained of the Resistance was readying themselves to leave. She could feel how he looked at her, hard and intently, and she turned her head to face him again.

“You’re like them now.” He stated. Erin didn’t take her eyes off of his face. “I never pulled that trigger. I am sure of it. I would never do that to you. Ever.”

“Are you sure about that?” she asked defiantly.

“You know I am.” He recoiled quickly and she knew he was right.

Erin sighed softly and suddenly felt naked under the analysis of her best friend. He didn’t know what had happened, he didn’t know why she went back other than that she was dedicated to the Resistance but surely, he suspected something.

“You did something that day, you made me do it. You’re like them…Force sensitive.”

Anger started to grow within Poe, she could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. Erin knew this wasn’t because she turned out to be Force sensitive. Poe’s parents had raised him better than that, he had always known about the Force and it had been a big part of their life even if they had never been sensitive to its power themselves. No, Poe was angry because she had chosen to use her power on him and even though Erin understood this, his scrutiny hurt nonetheless.

“I’m not like them _now_. I always have been, I just didn’t realize it.”

“So, he taught you how to do that? How to manipulate people into doing things?”

Definitely anger now, and a hint of jealousy.

“Poe, don’t.” Erin knew this wasn’t the time or place for a conversation like this.

“Don’t what? He’s using you. Whatever he’s teaching you, he’s wrong, Erin. That’s not what the Force is.”

Erin gritted her teeth, her heart beating faster as she watched him talk badly about the man she had grown to love in a way she had not learned to understand yet. She knew parts of him were dark and unforgivable, but parts of her were too. That didn’t mean he wasn’t worth loving, that didn’t mean he deserved what he had gone through.

“Oh, and you would know?” Erin turned now, walking away from him like she always did when they had discussions like these. And they had had them a lot. Poe may have left the New Republic because they weren’t doing enough about the First Order, but to him Erin had always been the more radical one. They saw eye to eye about a lot but had fought about the rest. This was nothing new.  
  
Poe hurried after her, talking fast and emotionally, as if he’d try anything to make her see his point.

“I know you struggle with whatever darkness is inside of you. I know your past was bad. _But you’re not like him_.”

She felt how he reached out and grabbed her arm, turning her around, his voice raised now as if the loudness of his words made them true. Erin let him move her, facing him head on, her eyes blazing as she glared up at him.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. He might just be what we need to win this damn war.”

Poe dropped his hand as his eyes turned big and dark with shock, he took two steps back and shook his head slowly as if what he was seeing was someone he didn’t know, someone he didn’t _want_ to know. His words dripping with disgust as he breathed.

“ _You’re in love with him…”_

Before she could reply they were interrupted by Eloi who came running toward Poe, tapping his shoulder, clinging to him like they were brothers.

“Can I come?” he asked, his eyes hopeful but Poe didn’t look back at him, his gaze still fixed upon Erin like she was a traitor.

“Poe? Can I come?”

“No.” Erin and Poe answered simultaneously.

Eloi looked back and forth between the two of them as if he had just caught his parents in a fight, and in a way, it was exactly what had happened.

“Why not?” he pressed, taking advantage of the awkwardness between the two of them.

“Because you’re a kid and this is war, Eloi. I won’t let you get hurt like that.” Erin replied out of habit. It had been a long time since she had been with the Resistance, but Eloi was still and would always be _her_ responsibility. She was all he had had but the look he shot her right now told her that wasn’t the case anymore. His eyes narrowed, gold hidden behind dark eyelashes.

“You don’t get to decide what I do anymore. You left.”

Erin crossed her arms over her chest, readying herself for more pain from the two of them.

She had expected this and knew it would only get worse if they ever did find out all she had done in name of the Resistance. Maybe she deserved this.

“I had to.” She replied, calmly.

Eloi shook his head and moved from Poe’s side, taking a few steps toward her so he was now in between the two of them.

“ _You chose to_. You promised you’d never leave and yet you chose to leave me behind. _Twice_.”

Erin’s eyes shot to Poe and back to Eloi.

“Yeah, he told me. You had the chance to come back and didn’t.”  
“Eloi…”

“He told me what happened, we thought you were dead!” he yelled across the forest and then added, more quietly; “Maybe we were better off if you were.”

Erin’s hands dropped to her sides as her heart broke, her hands shaking violently, and she could feel how tears started to form in her eyes and quickly blinked them away. Poe hurried to place his hand on Eloi’s shoulder, pulling him back.

“Eloi, don’t.”

“What?!” Eloi pulled his shoulder back, shaking Poe’s off.

“It’s her fault we’re here now! It’s her fault Kylo Ren will kill all of us!”

Each word coming from Eloi felt like a dagger to the heart and she couldn’t take it. Her heart was breaking, like someone had closed a fist around the muscle and was tightening it while ripping it out of her chest at the same time. It was hard to breathe and yet it was the only thing she could try to keep herself calm. She couldn’t afford to give in to that pain. Not if she wanted to survive, if she wanted _them_ to survive. Erin felt herself close off from all of it, the Force, her emotions, everything that was trying to drag her down in this moment. A tough and harsh mask where once was her face, survival the only thing on her mind while her heart roared in immense pain on the background. She ignored it all. Like she had done for so long now in the hands of the First Order and had only learned to allow herself to feel again with Ben. There was no time for what she needed or wanted, there was no time to show Eloi she wasn’t the monster he thought she was, there was no time for any of it because the city was on fire and spaceships were conquering the sky. But the hurting was too much, and her breathing quickened as her heart seemed to want to beat its way out of her chest. She had to move.

  
Erin turned and walked away, slowly but surely at first before she started to run out of the woods and back to the city and she could hear Poe yell her name behind her.

When he finally reached her, out of breath from running to keep up with her, he stopped her.

“What are you doing?” he yelled over the sounds coming from all around them.

Her voice was strictly business now as she replied pragmatically.

“Get as many people as you can out of the city. I’ll take care of Kylo Ren.”

It was strange to say that name, but she understood it was as much his as Ben Solo was. And Erin too had two sides to her, two personas that seemed to be struggling for survival.

But she couldn’t forget who she really was, she was Erin Kaleo, Resistance spy, not Erin Agarun, right hand to the Supreme Leader.

“What?” Poe frowned and shook his head in confusion.

“I only came here to tell you what I know. Hux is probably already on his way, you need to go. Now.”

“No, just come home. Stay with us.”

“I can’t, Poe. My mission…”

“ _I don’t care_ about your damn mission. He’s gone. I don’t know what you think you see in him, but he’s gone, Erin. Leia’s son is gone. She knows, she’ll understand. _You don’t have to save him.”_

He was begging her. His eyes pleading for her to stay. Erin shook her head.

“Everyone else gave up on him.”

“This isn’t going to end well, Erin.”

“I don’t care.” And Erin realized nothing was truer.  

 

***  
  
Intense hurt vibrated through the Force, taking over Ben’s emotions as if they were his own even if just for a moment. It took him a few seconds to realize the pain wasn’t his, and then another few seconds to realize they were hers. _Erin_. He spun around, his cloak swirling heavily around his legs, his eyes shifting anxiously as if he would find her there, but he saw nothing but the large empty hall. Something was wrong.

“Nothing here either, sir.” One of his troopers sounded behind him. Ben held up his hand and the squad immediately went quiet, obeying his every command. The pain was gone, and she was too. He could no longer sense her through the Force. Ben’s heart dropped as his throat went dry, he suddenly felt unable to breathe as his lips parted and he gasped quietly, lost in pure shock. His hand tightened around the hilt of his lightsaber, ready to strike anything in his way as the sensation of pure desperation started to take over. Ben was never good with controlling his emotions and his feelings for her proved to be no exception. _He needed to find her.  
_ He turned to face his squadron, eyes dark and voice low as he growled.

“Keep going. Report back to me if you find them.”

Without any explanation he turned and stormed across the room leaving behind the Stormtroopers that didn’t dare question him.

 

His movements were rushed as he quickly sprinted down the stairs they had just climbed. Ben could hardly remember the last time he ran this fast for something or someone but even if he was still unsure of his destiny and future, he knew she was meant to be a part of it.

The city had changed into complete chaos, fires were spreading faster than Ben could have imagined and there were already more Stormtroopers moving through the narrow alleys than he had ordered to be there. More Stormtroopers than civilians he noted. This was Hux and he knew it. He had never meant to wait for a signal, he had been nearby waiting for his chance and when he saw that Ben was close to failing he had taken it.  Well he could have it, he could have the city and he would deal with him later.

 

***  
  
Erin didn’t particularly like this side of herself. The side that was dark and cold and cared only about survival. It was a dark side she had worked so hard on to let go of, but the First Order had only strengthened it. Her work for Hux had made her cold-blooded at times and the way she felt now reminded her of that exact time. The more human part of her had shut down as she focused on her task at hand. Getting through the city to find Kylo Ren and stop the First Order from getting to the Resistance. She knew there was a chance she had to trick the man she loved into failure, but part of her hoped he’d see this wasn’t the way. Part of her hoped he would come with her. Erin tried to keep that part of herself quiet by pushing through the crowd.

 

Erin knew she had spared the lives of the Stormtroopers that she had attacked before and she wasn’t too sure she’d do the same if any of them tried to fight her now and she hated herself for it. Her anger toward the First Order was burning inside of her. They had taken everything from the people she loved. They had taken from General Organa, from Poe and Eloi, from Ben. She let that anger drown out the pain and used it to push herself further through the crowd.

 

 Although the city was a warzone, Erin didn’t feel fear, not for herself anyway, and while women and children were screaming while trying to hide from their enemy, Erin held her head high and kept moving in the opposite direction.

Every once in a while, she took the chance to point civilians to the escape route the Resistance had set up, her voice stern and demanding, never kind. They needed to move if they wanted to survive, when they didn’t do it fast enough she could sense herself get impatient. From a distance she could see troopers pulling families apart, Erin knew she was in danger of blowing her cover as she took out her blaster but that didn’t keep her from taking them out from afar. She watched as members of the Resistance lead the family to safety and just as she wanted to turn away she saw that one of them was Poe. His eyes were fixed upon her, dark brows pulled into a frown and lips parted as if he was about to say something she could never hear across the distance between them. He took a step forward and Erin shook her head quickly, mouthing the word “don’t.” but Poe ignored her, pushing his way through the people in between them. Dodging or taking out any First Order officials.

Was he trying to get himself killed?

Erin couldn’t watch him putting himself in danger and hurried towards him. The two of them raced toward each other, their bodies colliding in speed. Poe moved swiftly to close his hand around Erin’s upper arm and started pulling her after him. Erin kept her ground and pulled at Poe’s arm violently.

“What are you doing?!” she asked as she glanced around anxiously.

“You’re not sacrificing yourself for him.” Poe said stubbornly.

“I’m not doing this for him..” Erin hissed through gritted teeth as she pushed him off of her. He was standing across from her now and she cursed under her breath. How could he be this stupid?

“Fine.” Poe rolled his eyes, moving in once more to grab her arm again. This time more forcefully. “You’re under direct orders to abort this mission, Kaleo. You’re coming home.”

“ _I am n_ …” Erin started to yell but was cut off abruptly by a cold and eerie sensation crawling up her spine. The feeling was quickly joined by a familiar voice, dripping with cruel amusement as she turned to face its owner.  

“Kaleo?”  
Erin moved slowly to put herself in between Poe and the man in front of them. Poe didn’t make a sound but Erin could sense him shifting uncomfortably behind her. Erin bent her knees and shifted her weight onto her toes, readying herself to charge or defend when the time was right as she looked up and into the face of Bass Ren. Erin never though it possible Bass was even more terrifying without his dark mask and distorted voice. A manic smile crept upon his face, making just one corner of his mouth pull up into a dark grimace.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the Supreme Leader’s little pet.”

Erin backed up slightly, her hand reaching backwards until it touched Poe, her face never leaving Bass’s.

“Bass, listen to me.” Erin had no idea if her power in the Force was strong enough to take on a Force user, but she was out of options, the only thing left to try after this was to fight. Something she knew Bass was more than good at. The man seemed to have no intention of listening to her as he raised his weapon. It was similar to his sister’s, but his was shaped more like an axe. The electro-plasma filament was buzzing with energy and Erin was sure she had seen this one on the Praetorian guard before, which also made her sure her weapons would never withstand its attack.

“You’re a dirty little traitor, Agarun.”

Erin readied herself, twisting her foot slightly for a more balanced stance as she heard Poe whisper behind her, asking her to run but her focus was elsewhere, turned inwards to the pain and anger she had felt from before as she felt the electricity like energy run down her arms and to her hands. If she was to ever truly trust in the Force, now would be the time.

“Poe. _Run_.” She whispered quietly, shaking off his hands that were pulling at her shoulders and robes, begging to come with before raising her hands, mustering all the power within herself to stop the axe from dropping down on the both of them as Bass moved it with intense strength.

The blow was stronger than she had anticipated it to be and while Erin stood her ground she felt her arms and hands tremble with power and exertion.

 _“Poe, GO!”_ she groaned through gritted teeth but the man protested.

“I’m not leaving you behind.”

Bass was laughing now, pressing on, making Erin’s knees bend under the pressure of his weapon pushing against the invisible shield of the Force. The sound was cold and humourless.

“He taught you well, little pet. Let’s see how strong you really are.”

As Bass moved to lower his axe and lift his other hand Erin took a second to catch her breath and adjust her stance, glancing over her shoulder and angrily yelling at Poe to leave. As she turned back to fight she was taken by surprise by a Forceful blow which she countered sloppily, making her lose her balance, falling back and into the arms of Poe who quickly helped her up. Erin’s hand moved to her blaster, quickly raising it to point at Bass but he dodged the lasers like they were flies and hit back with a wave of dark power that crept up to her throat, closing it as she tried to catch her breath. Erin could feel how her feet no longer touched the ground as she tried not to panic, closing her eyes as she let her survival instinct kick in. As she opened her eyes again she pushed back, feeling the tension around her neck ease with each push, watching as Bass’ face turned red with effort and frustration. Finally, he dropped her to the ground forcefully.

“Erin, get up..” Poe was pulling at her robes now, half helping, half begging for her to get up and fight. Erin was on her hands and knees now, trying to catch her breath, her throat feeling raw and painful. As she glanced at Bass’s axe just in front of her she noticed how his hand closed around its hilt again and she braced herself to repel his attack. She would protect her friends, even if it was the last thing she’d do.

 

***  
  
Ben was no stranger to betrayal. It had been the only constant in his life.

 

But what he saw now was difficult to comprehend without losing his mind. His eyes shifted quickly, from her to Bass, to the Resistance commander and back to her. _Her_. Long strands of wavy hair falling in front of her face. That beautiful face. Ben assessed every possible outcome of the situation, taking in every detail within seconds wishing what he was seeing wasn’t true but there was no sensible explanation for the betrayal in front of him.  

 

And the betrayal wasn’t Bass’s this time. It was hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, what now?


	39. Torture

Ben didn’t think he’d survive another betrayal but here he was, still standing. Still refusing to believe what was right in front of him. The fight around him carried on and as Bass lowered his axe Ben found himself charging forward, igniting his lightsaber, raising it up and above his head to parry the attack. He heard the clashing of the Knight’s energy blade onto his lightsaber and her breathless whisper behind him and for a minute he wanted to pretend he had saved her from another one of Bass’s betrayals.  
“Ben…” her voice sounded broken and _guilty_ , a plea for only him to hear. The guilt brought him back to reality as he pulled back his weapon with force, pulling the axe from Bass’s grasp and throwing it across the air. The two men stood facing each other, both out of breath from the action.  
“Get out of my sight.” Ben snarled, his gaze fixed upon Bass. The only reason he had spared his life before was to show Erin he was worthy of her. Now, he could only project his pain and anger on to the man that was once a friend, a lifetime ago.  
“Kylo, come on…she’s a traitor.” Bass stammered.  
“Get. Out.” Ben hissed from between clenched jaws.  
Bass did not dare to disobey his Supreme Leader again, stomping off and toward his weapon, grabbing it from the dirt and trailing off to no doubt find his sister.

Ben did not move, his lightsaber humming violently at his side, his leather gloved hand tightening around its hilt as if he was holding on to the weapon for dear life. And he was. For hers. He was so close to turning around and pushing its plasma blade through her chest. So close. He knew the man he used to be wouldn’t have hesitated. But Ben had learned the hard way that revenge and murder were not the answer to his problems. He had given everything to the dark side only to find out it would turn its back on him nonetheless.

He knew that whatever was stopping him from retaliation was the Light. The Light she had helped him find again. The same Light that had made him spare his mother. Ben wanted to curse but no words left his trembling lips, only a frustrated groan.  He could not bring himself to kill her. Instead he could only feel the intense burning of the question why. Why she would betray him like this. He didn’t move, except from the trembling of his hands and the shakiness of his breath as he tried to control the raging emotions inside of him mixing with the desperation of hers. His lower lip quivering as he took in a deep breath when he heard her voice again. Every sound coming from her lips felt like another betrayal, another heartbreak, as he slowly turned to face her.

***  
  
“Ben…” she said his name again, knowing anything else she would say would be wrong. Her entire body was shaking, she could hear Poe whisper behind her, but the words didn’t register. She could sense Ben’s anger, his sense of betrayal and most of all his pain and it was overwhelming. She wanted to take all of it away, to be anyone but Erin Anine Kaleo, the spy that had betrayed him. She wanted to just be his.

  
She looked at him and something broke.

Indefinitely this time.

The skin on the left side of his face was glowing red with the reflection of his weapon. Dark eyes gleaming with blind hatred. He looked exactly like he had the first time she saw his face. Dangerous and wild, a caged animal destined for greatness but lost along the way. He was no man of absolutes. Even if he seemed to think he was. The boy Ben Solo had long ago given up on himself, finding refuge in the man that was Kylo Ren. He was a raging ocean, a blazing fire, a supernova and he was beautiful. Despite the darkness or maybe even because of it.

And she had destroyed him.

When he didn’t move she stepped forward hesitantly, coming to a halt as he raised his lightsaber in the direction of her face. Erin swallowed, her breathing uneven as the heat of his blade radiated onto her cheek. Her gaze was steadily fixed upon his face, which was once again a marble mask. The face of Kylo Ren. 

He looked at her like she was a stranger. An anonymous enemy.

Kylo cocked his head to the right, pointing his weapon to something beyond her and lowered it as he spoke.

“Commander Dameron, we meet again.”

Erin did not dare to take her eyes off of Kylo to look back at her best friend, watching his every move. His eyes a cold black as they shifted between her and Poe, just behind her. Poe was stupid enough to reply.

“Look…just let her go, and I’ll give you anything you want.”

When Kylo replied Erin hardly recognized his voice, a chilling scoff escaping from his lips.

“Oh, you thought this was a negotiation?” Kylo pointed from them to himself and back, dangerously moving his lightsaber around. He shook his head and although he was fighting hard to hide it Erin could still see pain in his eyes as he moved in closer and towered over her.

“Who are you?” his voice was low and hostile, and Erin knew she was losing him, she was losing Ben. There was no point in lying, and she didn’t want to. He deserved the truth, she just hoped she lived long enough to tell him all of it. To show him that someone really _could and did_ love him, the good and the bad parts.

“My name is Erin Anine Kaleo.” She replied quietly, never breaking eye contact. As long as his focus was on her, Poe would be safe.

“Who sent you?”

Erin knew she could reply by telling him the Resistance had sent her, instead she decided on a more personal approach.

“Your mother.”

The man in front of her flinched, ever so slightly, at the mention of his mother. Erin knew he didn’t even know for sure if she was still alive, she also knew he had had the chance to kill his mother many times but never did, which meant part of him still cared. When he replied his face was smooth and indifferent once more, like his voice.

“Did she send you to kill me?”

“She sent me to bring you home.”

This sparked an emotion within him that sent him forward, his blade slightly raised and his face full of agony. Erin didn’t move, she heard Poe shift backward behind her but held her ground as Kylo Ren raised his voice to yell at her. She would accept his anger, anger meant he felt something.

“Don’t lie to me!”

His entire body was trembling, much like his lightsaber, as if he could explode any moment. His breathing hard and uneven as he reached his free hand up and out to her throat, his fingers clawing the air as he seemed to consider choking the truth out of her when his attention was caught by the sound of Poe drawing his blaster. Erin turned immediately, facing her best friend with a mixture of fear and anger as he held up his weapon. Poe Dameron’s hand wasn’t trembling, in fact he was so still it almost scared her. Determination in his eyes as he looked up at the man that was his sworn enemy.

“Poe, don’t.” Erin said firmly. She knew he’d never be able to hurt Kylo Ren, but she wasn’t going to let him try it either.

“Poe, stop it.” Erin moved both her hands up in the air, keeping the men apart as she started to speak quickly. “Stop it, Poe. Just stop! This is my fight. Not yours.”

“Erin…”

Erin turned to face the man she had come to know as her lover, the hand held up toward him trembling as she spoke.

“I’ll show you everything.” And as she spoke she dared to reach out to him through the Force, which was a dark and dense cloud surrounding him with pain and hatred. It was almost impossible to find his consciousness in the dark.

“E…” Poe protested.

 “Just let him go, please. I won’t put up a fight. I’ll tell you everything I know.”

“Quiet.” Kylo hissed.

“ _I’ll show you everything.”_ She replied in a broken whisper, moving toward him and away from Poe slowly.

“Shut up!” he yelled again.

“Ben, please…”

He reached out his hand so quickly Erin could have never stopped him, force hitting Poe back with such power he was slammed into a wall on the far side of the square. Erin was torn between running after him and staying, and before she could decide she was overwhelmed by a dark wave of the Force taking her consciousness.  


***  
  
  
He should’ve killed her.

He kept replaying the phrase in his mind, each time it sounded like the voice of his old master. He had been so used to taking orders from Snoke that even his conscious had taken his shape. Did his death weaken him like his fathers had? He should’ve killed her, and the Resistance, he could’ve ended all of it at Moar. So why didn’t he?

 Hux had effectively occupied the city while Aurora and Bass had found half of the New Republic’s remaining leadership and successfully taken them back to the Supremacy. While all of them had succeeded, he had failed once more. He had fallen for a traitor, a Force user who he had trained himself to become close to his equal. How could he have been so stupid? So weak?

 He spent his days locked away in his private quarters filled with hate, despair and questions. All of the furniture had been destroyed in the blind rage that had taken control of him the past few days. Now he felt empty and immensely tired. His future once again unsure. She had sparked a false hope in him that had been like a light on the horizon. Now he was left in a darkness that was all too familiar and a big part of him wanted to destroy her for it. The darkest part of him wanted her to suffer like he was. Which was why he let Hux do the interrogations. His tactics and lack of power in the Force were more painful and lengthy than effective. Interrogating her himself would be too easy, to quick a punishment. Which was what he kept telling himself when he knew deep down that he was too scared to face her again after what she had done to him. Because if he was to face her, it would mean that what she had done was true. A truth Kylo wasn’t ready to face just yet. He knew Hux was having his way with her, trying to torture any valuable information out of her with absolute cruelty and Kylo was unsure if he cared.  She had been a prisoner on the ship now for well over three days and the reports had been the same every night. She wasn’t giving them anything.

 

Another day had passed and Kylo knew there would be a knock on his door like there had been every day so far. Kylo did not open nor reply, like he had every day so far.

“Still nothing, Kylo.”

This time the voice was different though. It was Aurora’s. Which spiked the slightest of interests in Kylo as he turned his face to watch the dark shape of the door to his quarters.

 Silence.

“She says she’ll only talk to you.”

Still silence.

  

***

 

She woke with a jolt and felt herself uncomfortably shackled to cold hard metal, surrounded by the dark grey walls of an interrogation room. She was alone and as she closed her eyes and tried to remember if she knew what had happened to Poe the door opened with a hiss. Erin’s head shot up, half expecting to see Kylo Ren appear at her side when instead she was surrounded by anonymous droids.

Erin told herself nothing could ever hurt as bad as the pain she felt over losing Ben. General Armitage Hux was really trying his best though. And he seemed to be enjoying it.  

The torture only started with the droids, which Erin thought was both cowardly and smart. Droids were unsusceptible to the Force. She could hear Hux’s voice over the droids commlink, but the man did not dare show his face. Hours, or maybe even days of the same questions and insults went by, hours and hours of cuts, burns, stuns, punches and twists of limbs. Whenever she was about to lose consciousness the device she was strapped to injected her with something that made her heart beat painfully fast, waking her up to go through the torture all over again.  At night, when Hux’s voice disappeared the droids kept on, making sure Erin was unable to sleep. No matter the pain they inflicted, her only words stayed the same.

_“I’ll only speak to him.”_

When Erin was sleep deprived enough not to form an immediate threat Hux came to see her. The droids had left, and Erin was finally able to close her eyes and doze off when the soft hiss of the sliding door woke her up. She was too tired to speak but her heart skipped a beat hoping Ben would finally show his face. Her heart sank at the sight of bright red locks and silver-like skin.  
General Hux did not speak, taking slow and calculated steps as Erin struggled to keep track of him. The metal band that felt cold and tight around her head made it hard to see what happened next to her as Hux seemed to bow down and bend over her right arm. A hot and sharp stinging pain shot up her arm and from the corner of her eyes she could see how his slender hands held a syringe, its pointy tip had already disappeared into her skin and for a moment Erin was afraid this was how her life would end.  
When Hux rose and turned to face her, he smiled. A smile that almost seemed kind had she not seen it on him before and known what it really meant.

“Can’t be too careful with you.”

His tone was soft but the sound of it still hurt her ears.

“What…” Erin tried but soon realized her throat was too dry to speak. She frowned and watched her arm again as a white-hot pain shot up her veins, spreading like a wildfire. Hux held up the syringe, smirking darkly as he seemed to contemplate where to put it before quickly moving to jab the tip of it into Erin’s upper leg.

“Did you know the Empire developed a venom just for your kind?”

As he stood there, towering over her, Erin thought he could almost look handsome if he just relaxed his face more.

“Strong enough to paralyze a Force user, immobilizing them but keeping them conscious for torture…and interrogation of course.” He added slowly.  

Erin didn’t answer, instead she closed her eyes, which were dry and burning from fatigue. The venom itself did not nearly hurt as much as the droids had done.

Hux was quiet as he walked around the room slowly, his steps echoing back to her from the walls. Each sound seemed so loud her ears and head were hurting. Erin shivered, suddenly tired now that the constant heat of torture had stopped. Most of her clothes were gone, no doubt to make things easier for the droids and Hux.

“If it was up to me I would’ve killed you days ago. We’ve gotten enough valuable information from your leadership already. They proved to be a lot easier to crack.”

Erin tried to keep her eyes shut, barely able to take in his words as they seemed to bounce off the walls and around her head.

“But then again I’ve waited a long time for entertainment like this.”

Her arms and legs were throbbing now and Erin wondered if she had lost a lot of blood, if the venom in her veins was deadly and if she would ever see the face of her love again. Through the pain he was all she could think about, even thoughts of the Resistance had long ago been driven from her mind by pure agony. But Ben was still there, every second.

Erin realized she must’ve made a sound, the faintest of cries of Ben’s name as she found herself in a place between consciousness and dreams, half hallucinating out of pain and exhaustion. Hux suddenly moved up close to her, his face dangerously close to hers as he smiled that same cold smile again, almost cooing as if he wanted to soothe her. His fingertips barely touching the skin of her shoulder but hurting nonetheless as he whispered. 

 

“Ren’s not coming. But I’m here now.”


	40. Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for caring for these characters as much as you have the past few days. Your comments on the last two chapters have been amazing, I'm dying to hear what you guys think of this one. Thanks for sticking with this story, you are the best!

 

Although the interrogation droids weren’t making much progress with the New Republic officials Kylo Ren had not shown his face near the holding cells for days. This seemed to frustrate his subordinates, but Kylo knew most of them -with the exception of General Hux- would not dare to question their Supreme Leader’s decisions. At least not out loud.

 

The truth was he could feel her. And he was afraid.

 

Kylo Ren was afraid of the emotions that belonged to Ben Solo and what they would do to him. He was also afraid that if he got any closer he would be unable to deny the truth that was her betrayal. At night, when Kylo was too tired to pretend he was something he wasn’t, Ben Solo was awake in his bed alone and staring at his ceiling. Although he tried to shut her out, he could still faintly feel what Hux was doing to her, like a thought in the back of his mind. He thought he would feel satisfaction in knowing she was being punished for what she had done, but what he was feeling was far from gratification. Maybe if he could just ask her why…maybe if he could just probe that deceiving mind of hers, maybe it would be easier to make an end to all this.

 

***

 

“I don’t care why you did it.”

 

Hux’s voice was driving her mad, each word made her feel like her skull was splitting in half.

 

“In fact, I’m grateful. Ren is at his weakest, he lost his master, his Knights are a complete disgrace and you…”

 

Hux’s fingertips were surprisingly soft as they traced Erin’s cheek. She always thought a man like Hux would have his traces of his career all over his hands, making them rough with hard work and evil deeds. But they were soft, like flower petals.

“I knew you had a talent ever since you first did my bidding, but fooling Ren…”

General Armitage Hux shook his head and smiled, looking up at the ceiling in awe, as if he admired her work like it was merely a strategic masterpiece in warfare.

“Even his sorcery wasn’t enough.”

Erin wondered when Hux would be done with his monologue and the torture would start again. She was unsure if she preferred the droids over Hux. The droids were consistent in their techniques, making it easier to zone out and try to ignore the pain they were inflicting. Constant pain drove you mad in a way where the body took over for self-preservation. Hux however, gave her the idea he would grant her respite only to inflict more pain than she could have imagined possible. Both physical and mental. It took all the energy she had left to focus on her breathing and the Force to keep her from giving in. Holding on to the thought that no pain in the world could last forever and that this too would pass.

“Such a shame to waste such talent to a cause as hopeless as the Resistance.”

Erin closed her eyes, hoping his narcissistic speech would keep him occupied enough to give her some time to rest. She wanted to sleep so badly.

Her eyes snapped open again as she felt his hot breath next to her ear. Hux smelled like soap, which was an unusually gently scent for a monster.

“Tell me everything you know about the Resistance and I might give you a second chance.”

Erin mustered all the strength she had left in her body to turn her head to face him and although she felt exhausted she knew she could still manage to glare at him with the intensity of all the suns in the galaxy combined. She hated this man and would never tell him anything, which was the only thing she told him with her eyes.   
When she finally found her voice, it was quiet but resolute.

“I’ll only speak with him.”

Hux moved slowly, straightening his back before losing it. The roar that came from his lips was almost feral, his eyes so full of hatred they seemed to spit fire as he stepped back and drew his blaster, holding it up and pointed at her chest, his arm trembling in frustration.

Hux’s eyes were red, his cheeks and neck blotchy and Erin could see how his jaws were clenched together with such force it made the skin pulled over his jawbone turn even whiter. Erin’s breathing in turn seemed to stop for a moment as she stared down the barrel of the blaster and met the man’s infuriated gaze. Her entire body trembling as the moment made her skin crawl and her heart beat painfully fast. Both of them startled as the door behind him opened, making Hux spin around, blaster still fixed upon Erin’s chest.

Erin didn’t think she’d ever be happy to see Aurora again, but as the blonde woman appeared in the door opening of the sliding door she looked like an angel to her. Aurora’s face was stern and unreadable as she seemed to assess the situation.

“There’s a situation at the main bridge, General.” Her voice was as flat and indecipherable as her face. Which looked even more beautiful to Erin than it had ever before, with smooth golden hair pulled back and her usual uniform replaced by something more feminine and flattering.

Hux lowered his weapon and took a moment to compose himself. Erin could hear him draw in a loud breath and watched him smooth over his hair.

“Now?” was all he said demandingly.

“Just passing the message, sir. They said it’s urgent.”

Erin took this short moment of reprieve to swallow, as she tried to adjust herself she was startled to find that it was impossible for her to move.

Hux huffed and mumbled something to which Aurora did not reply and as suddenly as she had arrived, Hux left the room.

“I’ll take it from here, sir.” Was all she said as he stormed down the hall.

When Aurora didn’t speak Erin felt like breaking down. Where they all going to take their turns on her? When would this end?

 

The door closed behind her with a quiet hiss, and Aurora seemed patient as she waited for it to close entirely. When it did she glanced back for a moment as if she was making sure the two of them weren’t going to be disturbed.

“You have got yourself in quite the mess, little pet.”

Erin closed her eyes, feeling a hot salty tear escape from her right eye and roll down her temple. Somehow the nickname Aurora had callously given her in the past sounded like something friendly and familiar. Erin started to think she must be losing her mind.

Aurora moved elegantly around the room, studying Erin before moving in closer.

“What did he inject you with?” she frowned as she found the syringe on the metal table just out of Erin’s reach. Erin didn’t answer both too stubborn and drained to do so. The woman stared at her blankly.

“Right. You only talk to Kylo, so I’ve heard.”

Erin was unsure why Aurora was here, did she just come to mock her? She knew Aurora had been lying to Hux. It took a great liar to know one, but Erin knew Aurora had wanted him gone. The question was why. Erin groaned quietly as the thinking seemed to only confuse and hurt her more. When she opened her eyes again Aurora was leaning over her, an almost worried frown pulling her brows together.

“I know you’ve changed something in him.” She started. “I also know what a woman in love looks like.”

Erin did not move her eyes from Aurora’s face, trying to focus on the words coming from her mouth as her body protested in agony.

“You’re a traitor to the First Order but you’re loyal to him…aren’t you?” Aurora’s voice was gentle and understanding, this woman understood what Erin was feeling because she felt it too, she had for a long time. Aurora loved Kylo Ren and had maybe even loved Ben Solo before he became what he was now.

Erin could only reply by slowly closing her eyes, another tear rolling down her temple, the salt biting at a scrape on her skin.

“You saved my brother.” Aurora seemed genuinely moved now. “Now, we’re even.”

Erin swallowed again, her throat hurting from the lack of fluids and food as she watched the woman move away from her. She wanted to beg her not to leave, beg her to stop Hux from doing this to her but her lips weren’t moving.

“You should rest.” Aurora said, and before she had left the room and the sliding door shut, Erin could feel herself drift off into a restless sleep.

 

***

  
It seemed impossible to escape from his extreme Force sensitivity. He had tried to shut himself off from it but the raw power that was raging within him was inescapable, it always had been. In the past his power needed to be fuelled by Snoke’s callous intentions, but now there was no running from it. No moment of rest as the Force seemed to have a mind of its own, constantly reminding him of what he had done to his loved ones in the past and what he was now allowing to be done to her.

When there was a knock on his door he knew instantly who was behind it. Kylo didn’t answer but he knew there was no hiding from Aurora, she may not be as strong as he was, but she could no doubt detect him through the Force.

Kylo rose from his black leather chair and moved toward the door, pulled closer by an invisible sensation. He could feel something within Aurora he hadn’t felt in a long time, something that reminded him of compassion. He was surprised Aurora was still capable of such emotion, the young innocent woman she once was had been long gone.

“He’s going to kill her.”

Her voice was clear and strong even through the thick material of his door and the words hit him like a comet. Kylo frowned and stubbornly pushed his emotions of concern aside, pursing his lips as he looked down and tried to think of an answer that would stop Aurora from bothering him. When he felt like he had composed himself he opened the door, standing tall, his chin lifted as he only moved his eyes to look down at the woman and what he saw caught him off guard.

Aurora’s eyes were those of the girl he once knew. The girl he used to train with back at Luke’s Jedi temple. The girl that followed him and her brother everywhere even when they tried to get away from her. The girl he had convinced to follow him and Snoke to the Dark side. She was concerned, and he sensed the concern was for him.

“She hasn’t given him anything, and she won’t.”

Kylo tried to keep his face from showing any of the conflicting emotions that were fighting inside of him. He stepped back, wanting to close the door on her and her news but Aurora stopped him, not only physically but he could sense her pushing into his mind through the Force. Their consciousness budding heads. She wanted him to listen.

“He nearly killed her and when he gets the chance he _will_ follow through.”

Kylo could feel a stirring in his chest, like a fist forming around his heart, slowly tightening as he tried to ignore it.

“If you want answers, you don’t have much time.” She finished, her voice suddenly solemn.

Kylo did not reply for a long time as he stared down at the woman in front of him. She was fighting him in silence, trying to get through to his mind but he wouldn’t allow it. That space wasn’t hers to enter and although she seemed set on getting through to him, Kylo resisted, pushing her out so violently she had to step back and find her balance.

“Leave.” Kylo growled.

“I won’t warn you again.” She said, suddenly her dark side returned and Kylo even detected a hint of jealousy mixed with her previous concern which was still there.

“Leave.” Kylo repeated, and this time she did.

 

He had paced the room for hours, the only inkling that night had fallen had been the clock on his desk. After pacing the room, he had stared out of the window at the passing constellations while he fought an inner battle that never seemed to end. When he finally gave in to the thing that was stronger than reason he found himself rushing out of his private quarters and down the abandoned halls to the only place on the space ship he had desperately avoided for days.

 

He first saw her through the reinforced glass and froze. His hands automatically balling into fists, stretching the leather over his knuckles as he quietly growled to the guards to leave. They did so immediately which left Kylo alone in a painfully quiet hallway.

She looked more fragile than he had ever seen her, and the sight immediately broke whatever was left of his heart. He felt all the things he knew he shouldn’t be feeling and as he reached out through the Force he sensed nothing coming from her.

He was quick to open the door but slow as he hesitantly moved into the holding cell. The place was cold, which he could feel even while fully clad in his robes. He found himself relieved to see her chest rise and fall ever so slightly but couldn’t bring himself to accept that he cared. He cared if she lived.

  
Erin looked thin and broken, strapped to cold hard metal and covered in bruises, dried blood and angry looking wounds. Her body was limp and as he slowly moved closer he could see that her lips were a shade of purple that stood in stark contrast with her pale face. Kylo couldn’t move, torn between the screams of concern coming from Ben Solo and the accusations and pain masked as hatred that tried to overpower those emotions. What had he done?

 

***  
  
She sensed him like a warmth spreading from her heartspace and through her chest, the faintest of glows but enough to wake her up. Her sight was blurry, dark spots making it even harder to see as she fluttered her eyelids. They were so heavy, opening her eyes seemed to take all of her energy.

When her vision finally cleared, she was startled as a dark figure stood by her feet, so still she thought she was imagining him. Kylo Ren stood tall and dark, unmoving like a statue.

Was her mind playing tricks on her? Or did the Supreme Leader come to finally end this? If he was the one to take her life, she believed she would be okay with dying. If this was where it stopped, she wouldn’t fight it. If she could just see his face once more, it would maybe be enough.

She closed her eyes again, sighing softly, the last spark of hope within her burning like an ember.

“Ben.” The name was a question and a plea to which she did not expect confirmation.

 

But there was.

 

In the shape of the man she loved. Ben Solo, stepping forward, hovering over her with those sad and beautiful eyes. He wasn’t gone. He was right here. Even if it was just for the shortest of moments before his eyes hardened and his mouth pulled into a thin line. Anger and bitterness tainting his deep voice as he asked the one question she had almost been literally dying to answer.

 

_“Why?”_


	41. Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, your reactions have been so wonderful and I am so happy you are still invested in this story. It means so much that you guys are sticking around to see what happens next. I promise I will update sooner this time, because you guys deserve it! Especially after this chapter...

She had waited for him to show up for days and now that he finally had she wanted to answer that one question.

 

_“Why?”_

 

When her lips parted to speak her body protested, she tried to swallow the pain from her dry and swollen throat which only caused it to object even more. As she coughed she sensed how her ribs were most likely bruised if not broken and she cursed her body for being so weak at such a crucial time. Memories pushed a way into her mind and she was unsure if they were triggered by her or him. The first time he had touched her hand. How he watched her scars in awe and admiration instead of pity or disgust. Ben holding her at night, his arms surprisingly gentle. The way he frowned when he tried to understand her without judgement. How his lips would purse in concentration as he read. How when you didn’t look at the scar that decorated his face his eyes looked sad and kind, like they had been around for centuries.    
Suddenly Ben charged at her, moving close so fast it made her entire body convulse in shock. Erin wondered how long she had been lost in thought as his hand hovered just over her throat and for a moment she doubted if he was actually going to hurt her.

Instead he curled his fingers and balled his fist, repeating the gesture several times, like he always did when he was frustrated and overwhelmed with emotion. His voice was loud and harsh, but she could still detect emotion in there.

“Tell me why!” he demanded.

Erin nodded quickly, showing she was more than willing to answer him, her hand trembling as she moved it just inches, restrained by the shackles around her sore wrists. He followed her gaze and watched as her trembling fingers seemed to reach out even slightly.

“I’ll show you everything.”

For a moment he stood in silence, his dark eyes fixed upon her small hand as if it held the potential to save and destroy him at the same time. Erin watched as he pursed his lips, the lower quivering in anger and frustration as he seemed to consider her offer.

“Ben…” she tried, her voice merely a ghost of what it had been, a painful whisper. “Please.”

 

***  
  
“Ben…”

 

Her hand was small and seemingly innocent, but he had seen what she was capable of and knew this was anything but the truth. He could see it tremble, the thin scars on the back of her hand slightly lighter than the rest of her skin.

 

“Please.”

 

His eyes shifted from her hand to her face and he wanted so badly to believe the look in her eyes. The plea worked its way into his mind and heart and he moved to stand by her hand, her arms stretched out to the sides. His hands found the electronic lock on the shackles and though he could’ve easily used his power to open them he took his time to do so by hand, still unsure if he was making the right choice. He glanced back at her face as his fingertips lingered on her skin. She was _so cold_.

He turned slightly as if he wanted to move away from her and part of him did, scared she would hurt him again. Her right arm was now free of the shackles, yet she did not move it. She did not try to charge at him and he knew that even if she wanted to, she wouldn’t have the strength to do it. He watched her hand from the corner of his eye, analysing the situation before hesitantly reaching out through the Force. Allowing himself to search her emotions for anything true, anything genuine and what he found was crushing.

She was in so much pain, he could feel it physically and it nauseated him, he was surprised she was even conscious at this point as flashes of memories started to pour from her mind to his as they were automatically connected. It was as if he could see and feel all that Hux had done to her the past days in mere seconds and the experience of it sent him reeling, pulling back from her mind with an actual jolt. As he stumbled back he could hear that the room was filled with the loud gasps for air coming from Erin and himself. The torture he had seen filled him with new found sympathy and he could see how her arms and legs were now trembling uncontrollably.

Kylo moved closer, slow and deliberate steps as he watched the girl. Her eyes were closed, a deep frown pulled her dark brows together at the middle. She was barely holding on and yet she raised her hand. The gesture was slow and weak, but she persevered and held it up in the air in front of him like an invitation. Kylo did not take it and kept his distance, the girl had fooled him before, he needed to do this himself to know for sure that what he saw wasn’t a lie. She nodded slowly, her eyes solemn as if she understood what he wanted even without him saying it.

“It’s okay.” She said and Kylo only now realized how much he had longed to hear that voice the past few days.  

“Please…” she repeated quietly and closed her eyes again, readying herself for Kylo’s slightly less  comfortable version of getting answers.

 

***  
  
Of course, he didn’t want her to show him why she had done what she had done. Erin understood that he didn’t trust her and knew that if things were the other way around she would feel the same.

She watched as Kylo turned to glance at the door behind him and when he turned to face her again he raised his arm, his hand covered in familiar black leather. Erin did not resist him, instead leaving her consciousness open and unguarded for the first time since she had joined the First Order, yet she could still feel him probe her mind. He wasn’t careful or kind as she sensed him sifting through her memories with force, no doubt trying to make sense of what he found there.

The speed in which he studied her mind made her head hurt and Erin had to fight the urge to resist the pain as she balled her fists and tried to focus on breathing. Connected by the Force like this she could sense his pain and anger and her heart broke, matching the hurt that her body had gone through before. Her betrayal had left cuts that ran so deep she doubted they’d ever fully heal and she hated herself for it.

Suddenly the painful pressure she felt while Kylo pushed through her memories seemed to subside and he focused on a single memory. The memory was from a long time ago, but she remembered every detail and he could see it all.

 

_“Punch it!”_

_“But what about…”  
“There’s no time!” a young Poe Dameron yelled as he messily manoeuvred an old shuttle over one of the arena’s. _

_Erin fell thanks to the fast and reckless turn and was pushed back into her seat as the boy sent the shuttle into an unexpected dive to dodge his attackers. Next to her was the only person they had managed to bring along, which meant they would be the only two survivors of Poe Dameron’s reckless rescue mission. Eloi was young and scared and crying silently as she pulled him close onto her lap, protecting him from the stranger that had just managed to take them away from what they had grown to know as their only home._

_“Who do you work for?” she snapped._

_He didn’t answer at first, cleary occupied with flying the ship and avoiding danger._

_“Who are you?” she pressed again._

_The young man looked back at her and she couldn’t help but think he looked handsome, like one of the hero’s her father used to tell stories about._

_“I told you, I’m with the Resistance. I’m here to save you.”_

_“By buying us?” she snarled, instinctively pulling Eloi tighter to her chest. He had stopped crying and was now watching her intently as she scrutinized their saviour._

_“Well I had to have some kinda plan, didn’t I?” another unexpected dive followed by a spin._

_“How do we know we can trust you?”_

_“Do you mind?!” Poe yelled as he pointed out the obvious threat surrounding them and tried to focus on getting them out._

_***_  
  
The memory had been so vivid it had stopped him from pushing further but he had now seen enough. So, the pilot had saved her. He knew he couldn’t exactly blame her for wanting to save him in return, but Kylo couldn’t help but feel jealousy build up inside of him as he left the memory and hurried to find her more recent ones. Did she love the pilot like she had pretended to love him instead? He could see the surrounding memories, a slave auction, a fight, death and chaos and the makings of a new home. He pushed forward, trying to make sense of her mind that was so filled with trauma and despair, darkness he recognized as if it had been his own. He stopped again suddenly when he saw his mother in her mind.

 

_“You don’t have to do this, Erin. There are other ways you can help the Resistance.”_

_His mother looked worried, a look Kylo couldn’t remember. Her hair was different too, but her voice was the same._

_“I know. But I want to.” Erin’s voice was loud and clear and strong, the way he had first heard it even in that hallway while she was severely injured._

_“Alright. Don’t do anything reckless. Don’t stand out or try to be a hero. We need you back here soon.”_

_“I’ll keep a low profile, General. I promise.”_

_But she had not kept a low profile, and Kylo wondered if a woman like her was even capable of doing so._

He took more time now, taking in details and people in her mind that he had not seen in forever. Each choice she made, each decision and step was no surprise to him, she still seemed the person he had come to know. He saw her first days at the First Order training. He watched her crying in her private quarters at night wishing she was back home. He saw her meeting Hux and felt how scared she had been. He witnessed her first kill for him, and her second and third and could feel how the darkness that had been long supressed within her had begun to grow thanks to the callous surroundings of the First Order. He could feel anxiety, sadness, loneliness and depression mix with anger and aggression. And then he reached the part of her mind that kept their first encounter, and their second, and their third. Each encounter filled her with growing curiosity instead of the emotions he had sensed before. She had been intrigued and he realized she had felt as if her soul recognized something in him she had searched her whole life for. He realized this because it had been the same for him. They were mirrors. Both struggling with darkness, both dancing with the light. His darkness had developed through the nurture of Snoke, her light had grown thanks to the Resistance. When they had found each other, it had felt like balance. He followed her memories as she fell for him and although he knew his actions were now so intimate it was invasive he had to know if any of it had been true. While he could sense her feelings for him grew deeper he sensed something else start to take shape. Guilt and fear. She knew what she had been doing to him, she knew what her betrayal would mean. She knew it then and she knew it now. He saw how Aurora had helped her to save him in his most desperate hour. How she had risked her life and stood up to Hux. How she had taken care of him while he was unconscious. It was so strange to watch his life through her eyes.  The further he pushed the more confused he became.

He was trembling now, shifting from one overwhelming emotion to the next as he saw his mother again and heard the conversation between these two women, about him. Erin had told his mother about him, about her feelings for him and about their bond. She had told her that he had been training her and his mother had simply _listened_.

  
_“You’re willing to sacrifice your life for him?” Leia Organa asked._ _  
__“For the Resistance, yes.”_ __  
The general shook her head knowingly.  
“This isn’t just for the Resistance… You could make yourself useful plenty of other ways for us. You’re doing this for my son...”

 _“I have to try.”_  
  


He wanted to pull back from her mind right there and then, but the memories kept coming. When he saw her in the sand, face to face with her saviour he was shocked to see how she had pulled his trigger blaster using the power given to her by the Force, taking one of many shots for him. _For him_.

 

He teared away from her mind and back to the interrogation room and found himself closer to her now, his hand resting at where her jaw met her neck. Her skin was cold against his warm hand and she was leaning into him, eyes closed.He could tell his examination had hurt her as he watched how her cheeks had turned wet with tears and her chest rose and fell with effort yet she mustered the energy to speak first. Their eyes locking as she opened hers, sending an electric shock up his spine. She was the war raging in his heart and she had never stopped fighting, even now. She was fire and passion and weakness and strength, and she was telling him she was his.

 

“Ben…I’m so sorry.”


	42. Life

She was staring up into the eyes of Ben Solo.

 

He wasn’t gone. He had just been hiding behind the mask that was Kylo Ren and she couldn’t blame him. Ben’s hand didn’t move from her skin and although his hand was covered by leather she could still feel warmth radiate from his body. The heat made her realize how very cold she was.

 

Ben’s peered into her eyes as if he was still searching her mind, but Erin knew he was lost in his own instead. He looked so scared.

“We can figure this out, Ben.” She whispered, her voice growing stronger with hope as the man she had betrayed did not reject her immediately after what he had seen.

He moved slow and intently, his hand brushing past the skin of her neck and over her shoulder as he pulled it back. His eyes moving down, scanning her arms and chest and legs as if he was assessing the situation.

“We _will_ figure this out, _together_.” Erin tried hopefully, her entire heart wondering if there was even still a _together_ in this scenario.

He seemed to contemplate those words, fighting an inner battle she wanted so badly to help him with. Erin knew she couldn’t. This part was his to fight. She would stand with him through it all if he allowed her to, until then she would be patient and endure whatever pain the galaxy would throw her way.

“I won’t join the Resistance.” He said, low and dark but calmly. A clear statement.

“I’m not asking you to.” Erin replied and kept her eyes on his face. Ben’s eyes shot back up to hers as his hand rested just next to her upper arm and she saw something that resembled relief on his face.

That beautiful face. It was true. She wasn’t asking him to join the Resistance. She didn’t expect him to turn to the light and become a war hero. She wasn’t asking him to save her and bring her home. She didn’t want to force him into anything he wasn’t. She wanted to help him, and she wanted to love him, and she wanted him to find peace and happiness. Even if it wasn’t with her, she knew it wasn’t with the First Order either.

 

***  
  
“I’m not asking you to.” She said, her voice suddenly stronger but still barely a sound.

Part of him wanted to run to her, to take her offer and let her help him figure out what his place was in this galaxy that began to feel bigger and bigger every second. But the part that had been hurt kept him from doing so. His pride a big and dark monster that kept any light in him supressed.

 

His biggest fear after seeing what he had were her expectations. He was a monster, he had done terrible things that could not be forgiven by the people she called family. Ben knew this. But he also felt like that family had abandoned him, threatened him and left him to fight a war with himself he had never been ready to fight. And for that he could not forgive them. He could not return to that, and to hear her say she wasn’t expecting him to do so was a relief so big Ben felt like he could finally breathe. It also ignited a new hope within him, that this woman might actually accept him for who he was, raw strength _and_ broken pieces, with and _without_ purpose. A hope that made him feel like the dark side wasn’t the only answer.

He had given everything to the dark side. His past, his power, his mind, his childhood and peace of mind, his father’s life and his mother’s love, his entire life but he wasn’t willing to give her too. No matter how badly she had hurt him. He couldn’t do it. She had changed him. His love for her had changed him and the love she felt for him, which he now knew had been real however twisted it came to be, had changed him.

 

The woman in front of him was weakened, her body not even strong enough to channel the power that once inhabited it, but her eyes were those of a warrior. Ben saw kindness and concern and a raw determination, and he felt naked under her gaze. He started to pace the room, the movement making it easier to think as he tried to analyse the situation and its different outcomes only to be overcome by emotion as he turned back to her. Ben was quick to move to her side, cupping her face in his hands while taking a huge leap of faith as he looked down at her.

“Do you trust me?” was all he asked, his mind and heart racing.

She frowned slightly, her eyes questioning him, piercing right into his soul. Just when he was about to ready himself to ask the question again she nodded, once. Quick and strong.

“I trust you.” She whispered, her eyes so scared Ben knew she understood she was putting her life in his hands as they both took a leap of faith, neither of them sure of the outcome.

“You should rest.” Ben said and although his voice was still flat and distant his eyes softened slightly. Before she could protest he put her to sleep and it felt like the most intimate mercy as she sighed softly before her eyes fell shut.

 

As he left the holding cell he was still angry with her, he still felt betrayed by her actions although he now knew the truth. The hurting wouldn’t fade so easily, and he needed time, he was unsure how much time. He knew what her betrayal had done to his position as Supreme Leader, he also knew Hux would take the opportunity to make him look weak and foolish and perhaps the general was even right. And although Ben had not forgiven her he realized with fear in his heart that her life was a liability, but it was also a life Ben wasn’t willing to give up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update this time before one of the last chapters which will be longer, I promise. I just wanted to capture this moment and isolate it before the chaos of the next chapter. What do you guys think Ben will do?


	43. Back

Ben rushed through the halls, his right hand folded tightly around two vials of concentrated bacta elixir while his other carried nutrition bars usually meant for emergency ration.  This could work. His plan could work, and Erin could go home, and all of this would be over. He kept telling himself this over and over but the only thing that kept popping up in his anxious mind was the same sentence.

 

Her home has no place for him.

 

Ben frowned as he felt the gazes of stormtroopers and other personnel alike fixed upon his back as he walked. He could hear their whispers and knew that word travelled fast even on a ship as big as the Supremacy. Did they know that he had fallen for a traitor? Were they talking about his weakness? He shook the thought and pushed on, a little faster now, determined not to let their gazes and whispers get to him.

 

But the whispers grew louder and were joined by restless movement. Troopers abandoning their post to run and obey some order given to them via their commlink. Ben looked down an checked his but there were no signs of communication. As he rushed down the hall to the holding cells he noticed even more commotion. Before he reached her cell, he could already see them swarming around the open door anxiously while Hux’s roaring voice filled the air. Ben was quick to tuck the medicine away in his robes before rushing to the scene, expecting chaos and aggression but what he found was even more astounding. His heart dropped as he fought to hide the concern and confusion from his face. His emotions raged from surprise to bewilderment only to change into something darker. Resentment.

 

_The cell was empty._

 

The cell was empty. Erin was nowhere to be seen and Hux’s face was red from yelling at his subordinates.

 

Ben gazed at the empty metal chair as if he could simply will her back by staring hard enough, not hearing the words that were coming from Hux’s mouth until he turned to focus on the man.

“What’s going on?” he asked as the Stormtroopers passed him and rushed off down the hall.

“It seems like the traitor has escaped.” Hux said, calmer now but somehow the sound was even more hostile.

“Escaped?” Ben asked, and he couldn’t help but cynically raising his brow. He knew Erin couldn’t have been awake. He only left her for half an hour at most and even if she had been awake she was in no condition to escape by herself. And on top of all that, he had asked her if she trusted him and she had said yes.

“Yes, Ren. Escaped. Like a fugitive. Gone. As in, not on this ship.” Hux replied impatiently.

Ben balled his fists and stared at the man hard, he noticed how the veins in his neck were throbbing and his cheeks were covered in red blotches.

“Care to explain to me how this could’ve happened, _general_?” Ben hissed, and he could feel his old ways coming back, his hand itching to choke the answer out of the man.

“There’s been a disturbance, sir. I was notified moments ago and have been on it ever since.”

“I’m sure you have been.” Ben growled, his voice thick with sarcasm as he turned to storm off and toward the general direction of the main bridge. Hux followed quickly, rushing to keep up with him.

“It seems like they’ve used a First Order ship, sir.”

Ben didn’t reply, balling his fists even tighter now as he tried to concentrate on finding her energy through the Force.

“They weren’t detected by our security shields.”

Still nothing. He couldn’t find her and this made him feel something he couldn’t stand feeling, not again, not after so many times. Ben felt abandoned.

“They might still be on the ship.”

Ben turned so quickly it made Hux come to a halt and almost trip over his own feet. Ben’s hand was up in the air as he gave in to the urge to force choke the general.

“Find her.”

He was unsure what he’d do if they did. Maybe it was for the best this way. Maybe he should be glad she got out and maybe he should give her this chance. But he simply couldn’t believe she’d leave him like that. Part of him had hoped and even believed that her one betrayal had been the only one. This felt like a kick while he was down. Ben suddenly felt stupid as he could sense the vials of medicine pressed to his chest. He should’ve known Erin didn’t need saving, she never had. Or at least she had never been his to save. Had he hoped for a different outcome? One where he could have joined her? What if he had?

“Yes…sir…” Hux gasped and gagged and for a moment his eyes glimmered menacingly. Of course, he was enjoying this…had the man known of his feelings for the spy? Had it been that obvious? Had Ben been so weak and foolish? Maybe he was just like his father after all.

 

***  
  


Erin woke with a jolt.

 

Rest had indeed been what she needed but her body was now stiff and ached after being in one position for days. She blinked until her vision cleared, sensing something was off before she saw it too. Her surroundings had changed. As well as her position.

 

She was upright, her hands shackled in stun cuffs in her lap.  

“Ben?” her voice was hoarse as her throat protested violently, the sound shaky and scared.

She glanced around, taking in her new location. Erin could feel herself tremble as she was overcome by the terrifying darkness of a bad feeling. She was on a different ship. A much smaller model, she frowned as she tried to make out the type and realized she was on an Xi-class light shuttle. A small ship but armoured and able to travel long distances through light speed, this ship was used for transport. More importantly, it wasn’t Ben’s.

“Ben?” Erin asked again, louder this time and although she was scared to face the truth she knew she had to. There was a door in front of her that lead to the cockpit of the shuttle and she could hear movement behind it as the door opened she knew her feeling had been right. Ben wasn’t here. And this wasn’t an escape.

In the door opening stood a First Order Stormtrooper officer and Erin could feel her heart break all over again. The man’s masked face was staring right at her without saying a work. After a moment he glanced back over his shoulder and his distorted voice spoke to someone Erin couldn’t see.

“The traitor’s awake.”

The reply was incomprehensible but the sound distinct, another Stormtrooper, Erin knew this because the voice was distorted too. Two troopers so far, and the ship had room for six passengers. She was keeping count.

“Where are we going?” she asked, breathing slowly and intently as she was trying to gain strength. Her heart racing as she swallowed back the tears. When Ben asked her if she trusted him she had answered truthfully.

The trooper scoffed at her question and turned back to check something in the cockpit before turning back to her, holding a blaster in his hand as he approached her. Erin knew she couldn’t move without setting off the cuffs, so she did her best to remain still as the trooper squatted down before her.

“We have orders from the Supreme Leader to bring you home.” He replied eerily calm.

“Home?” she asked.

The only answer he gave her next was a stun from his blaster, knocking Erin unconscious once more.

 

***

 

As Ben reached the bridge he rushed toward the first official he could find and asked him how a ship could have penetrated their defences unnoticed. Hux hurried after him, moving toward a different station, ordering the control units to find out exactly what had happened when Ben realized started to grill the man in front of him.

“From which side was the cell opened?”

“The outside, sir.” The official answered, his voice shaking as badly as his hands.

Ben registered that information while asking his next question, his voice flat as he kept thinking. She had not escaped singlehandedly then.

“And you’re sure the subject has left the ship?”

“We’ve been scanning all surveillance footage and have not detected the subject, sir.”

The man was sweating now, clear thick bead forming on his forehead as he turned to show Ben what they had done.

“Any anomalies in our systems? Unauthorized ships leaving the docking stations?”

“No, sir.”

Ben closed his eyes for a moment, breathing heavily as he balled his fists. He could hear the man whimper quietly beside him, his tangible weakness made Ben feel sick. He had just one more question.

“How many prisoners have escaped?”

“Just the one, sir.”

Surely the Resistance wouldn’t just risk their men for just one spy. His mother was hardly the sentimental type. She would’ve ordered to save as many as possible, unless this was a rogue mission. Did the pilot come back for her? It wouldn’t be the first time he had saved her. The notion made Ben turn dramatically, storming across the bridge and down the hall to his private quarters, anger mixing with jealousy, insecurity and despair. The perfect storm.

 

***  
  
The stun from the blaster was weak and Erin woke just a few minutes later. Disorientated and sore, but conscious as she rested back against the cold metal of the ship, watching the open door to the cockpit through her eyelashes. Her eyelids heavy with exhaustion as she took a moment to listen to the sounds of the spaceship and its crew members.

Two troopers in the cockpit, the officer and the one she had not yet seen, she knew this for sure. She could sense someone else though, a third crew member.

Although her position was highly uncomfortable Erin couldn’t afford moving and sending another shock up her arms, so she waited. Patiently and quietly, focusing on the soft humming of the ship moving through hyperspace. The sound had almost lulled her to sleep when the third crew member appeared from a space behind her, passing her quietly, careful not to wake her up it seemed.

This was her chance. Maybe even the only one she would get.

“Hey…” her voice was but a whisper but enough to get his attention. Erin knew she wasn’t strong enough to keep this up for long but as the adrenaline kicked in she felt one with the Force and spoke quietly but quickly, her gaze fixed upon the trooper intently. And even though she could not see his face she could feel the human behind it, buzzing with energy like the Force itself.

“You will remove these cuffs..” Erin started, and she knew he would, she had done this trick even before she knew of her power in the Force.  

“…you will leave your blaster and join your crew in the cockpit.” She finished as the trooper walked her way obediently. She could sense confusion within him, but the emotion wasn’t strong enough to convince him. Instead he moved slow and intently, removing the shackles from her arms. Erin stared down at them for a moment, her wrists were thinner than she remembered them to be and covered in dark purple bruises. She glanced up quickly to see the Stormtrooper put his blaster on the floor in front of her before rising to his feet again. The man turned mechanically before joining the others in the cockpit without a word.

 

Erin didn’t wait as she used the adrenaline that had built up inside of her to jump up and grab the blaster. Readying herself for a fight as her survival instincts kicked in automatically, a welcome and familiar sensation. She rushed up to the open door to the cockpit quietly, pressing herself flush to the wall next to it as she took just one second to breathe before going in.

Shooting the first was easy, and she didn’t even feel bad as the blaster left a smouldering hole in his helmet. The second proved to be harder. The officer was faster, and Erin had to aim for the hand moving for his blaster first which gave the third enough time to grab her from behind. She used the support to kick the officer in the chest before breaking free from the third’s grip. She was fast to turn his own blaster on him, shooting him not once, not twice but three times. Penetrating each weak part of his white armour before turning to the officer that once more charged at her. Erin ducked, which made him lose balance and fall onto the control panel, sending the ship down suddenly. The action hurled both of them through the cockpit. Something sharp hit Erin’s cheekbone and she could feel hot blood trickle down her cheek as she scrambled back up and looked around for the officer. She sensed him before she saw him and moved swiftly to the right as a blaster bolt passed her head. She could still feel its head on her ear as she turned quickly, using the last of her remaining strength to Force slap the blaster from the officer’s hand. The man looked at his hand and back at her, obviously stunned as Erin pushed him back with that same Force. Her heart beat painfully in her chest and her head pounded in exertion and concentration as she moved closer to the officer, picking up his blaster on the way. She held it up to his chest and for a moment she felt doubt, like a string pulling at her heart, telling her this was wrong. She didn’t listen. Instead she shot the man right through the soft unarmoured spot at his throat. Dropping him to the ground as her knees gave in. Erin let herself fall back onto her back, fighting to stay conscious as she breathed heavily. Her hands were trembling as she took a moment to enjoy the silence around her. It would be so easy to fall asleep right here and now. Just for a little while.

 

She woke again with the same jolt, as if some unseen energy was keeping her going. Erin was unsure how long she had been asleep, suddenly overcome with panic as she crawled toward the control panel. She had to know where they were going, she had to get somewhere safe before they found her again. Would they suspect something if they didn’t hear back from the officer?

Erin’s small and sore hands grabbed the side of the control panel and she struggled to pull herself up on her knees first, reaching out and over the panel to open the navigation charts. As the charts appeared on the screen she pushed herself up onto her feet only to fall back into the seat of the cockpit, her legs barely able to carry her weight. Erin reckoned exhaustion was a terrible way to die.

She studied the charts carefully; the coordinates didn’t tell her much as she kept swiping over the map to find its final destination. When she did her heart stopped.

 

The map was clear.

 

Destination: Tabo-Kul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My oh my, just two more chapters to this part of the story you guys and it just breaks my heart.


	44. Safe

Ben felt foolish as he desperately tried to reach out to her through the Force. He knew his power was great, with Luke gone he might well be the most powerful Force user in the galaxy, but he didn’t know how to cross an unknowable distance. He didn’t know where to reach as he desperately tried to follow his feelings toward her only to end up in the darkness of nothing.

Ben started to doubt everything he had felt within her while he had been inside her head. What he had seen there, the things she had done to be with him and help him…he shook his head. He couldn’t believe she’d willingly leave him behind like that. What would have been the point of all of it? She never asked him to join the Resistance but the more he thought about it, the more Ben realized he _would’ve_ followed her if she had asked him to.  Or at least he would have tried.

The First Order no longer felt like home.

In fact, Ben couldn’t remember the last time he had felt at home except for the quiet stolen moments with her. And now those moments were gone and so was she.

***  
  
Erin’s hand trembled from exhaustion and shock as they hovered over the map, her eyes moving over the control panel in front of her as she fought to stay upright. Her hand followed her gaze, brushing over the buttons and switches until she found what looked like a communication unit. She knew the First Order would no doubt monitor all communication going from the ship, she also knew this was her only chance. It was impossible for a transmission to come through in hyperspace so Erin pushed back a handle to her left and a light jolt told her they were now back to a normal speed as the white and blue changed into the clear black of the galaxy around her. For a moment she looked out at the stars that seemed to spread out peacefully in front of her as she tried to make sense of her location, but she knew this was impossible. She had not travelled these regions nearly enough. Erin swallowed and reached for the communication unit, fingers shaky as she entered the code that would tell her best friend she needed saving. The only way she knew how to reach him was a dangerous one, she didn’t know how to do encryptions or use security codes on this communication unit and although she knew that put them both at risk it was her only hope.

***

 

Ben knew that he couldn’t hide in his private quarters forever now that he was Supreme Leader.

For the first time since he had killed Snoke he now found himself in his late master’s throne room. The windows were no longer shrouded in red. Instead they were left uncovered, making it as if the entire room was filled with the galaxy itself.

Snoke’s empty throne called to him from the centre of it all. And eerie sensation of guilt and self-hatred crept up on Ben as the empty seat seemed to mock him.

He could still see him there. His deformed face twisted in a dark smirk while his piercing eyes seemed to look right through his very soul. A soul poisoned by darkness for almost thirty years now.   

“She’s not on the ship.”

Ben turned quickly, caught by surprise as he had been lost in thought, to face the woman the unexpected sound had come from. His heart sunk at her words yet at the same time he couldn't help but wonder if she was somewhere safer than this ship could've ever been for her. Aurora’s face changed into something resembling pity as she met his gaze, which made Ben turn away from her in shame. Her footsteps were slow and Ben didn’t say anything as he waited for her to reach him. She stopped just behind him and he could feel her eyes on his back and felt how her consciousness brushed past his.

“You didn’t do this.” She said, confusion laced in her voice.

“Of course not.” He replied darkly.

“But you were going to.” She said knowingly, her voice low. Almost like an accusation but not quite.

Ben didn’t reply.

“Kylo, what are you doing?”

Even though her voice was gentle, the question didn’t seem to register with him, the name Kylo seemed entire lives away from where he was now. He teared his eyes away from the empty throne of the man that had taken so much of him and stared out at the galaxy that was so close to being his to rule.

He didn’t care for it.

“I don’t know.” He replied.

Aurora stepped closer to him and he could see her in the reflection of the window in front of him. He could see how she reached out her hand and placed it gently on his forearm. How she squeezed it gently as she looked back at his reflection. Her almost white hair was braided around her head like a halo. Her hand didn’t move from his arm, he could see that in their reflection, but he barely felt her touch.

“She left. You can’t let that distract you from your purpose.”

Ben turned his head to the side, looking down at her as he frowned.

“My purpose?” he hissed.

The look in his eyes shut her up and he noticed the hurt in her eyes. He knew she loved him. He had used that knowledge time and time again. He also knew it was what had led her to the dark side and what kept her loyal to him. He could hurt her over and over again and she kept coming back for more, even when his heart belonged to someone else. He had learned that love was always cruel that way.

“Hux is planning something.” She mumbled, as if she was afraid to speak again.

He looked at her now without saying anything, waiting for her to go on.

“Bass won’t tell me what. He doesn’t trust me. But you should be careful.”

“Hux isn’t strong enough.”  

“With the army behind him he will be.” She replied gravely, and they both knew this was true.

“Don’t let what she did destroy all that you’ve accomplished.” She finished while she squeezed his arm again, and just like her actions, her words didn’t make him feel a thing.

 

***

  
_“She’s alive.”_

_“Beep. Bloop. Beep.”_

_“Careful.”_

_“Damn it!”_

_“Just let me…”_

_“Careful.”_

_“Watch the ship, watch the ship!”_

_“BLEEP, BLEEP!”_

Erin tried to reach the familiar voices in her dream, but it was dark and they seemed too far away.

_“I got her. Just watch the ship!”_

_“But…”_

_“Go, now!”_

Something rough and warm was pressed against her cheek and then her forehead and then back to her cheek.

“Come on, Erin…”

She tried to get to that voice, but it felt like she was lost. Or was she just tired? She wasn’t quite sure, maybe she should just rest some more and things would be easier. The warmth to her cheek was still there, and now there was shaking too and Erin came to the realization that whoever was calling her wasn’t in her dream but outside of it which made her struggle to open her eyes.

“That’s it…that’s it. You got this, sweetheart.”

Her eyelids were so heavy but when they opened they fluttered so quickly it was hard to focus. There was so much light that seeing was hard to do. Feeling however, was easier. She could feel a lap under her shoulders and head, warm and slightly uncomfortable. And a hand on her face and as she reached out before she could see she could feel strong arms and leather. A man.

“Ben?” the sound was a soft cry that startled even Erin herself.

The man was quiet for a moment, not only in sound but his entire body seemed to stop moving. As her hands wandered in slight panic her eyelids still struggled to stay open.

“Hey, hey it’s me. Look at me. It’s me. I’m here.”

Erin let the hands cup her face and guide her, when her vision seemed to clear she saw the face of home. The warmest smile, tan skin and kind eyes. It had been too long since she had seen anyone smile.

“Good girl.” Poe Dameron whispered. “You’re okay.”

“Poe?”

“That’s right. We’re gonna get you outta here, okay?” the man glanced back at something and Erin could hear the familiar beeps of his loyal companion.

 “I’m tired.”

“I know, I know sweetheart.” Poe moved his hands to push back her hair and Erin suddenly felt cold.

“Sleep. You’re okay. We’re gonna go home.”

“How is she?” another familiar voice, this one triggered something in Erin that she knew would never die. An intense need to protect. Her eyes shot open as she struggled against Poe’s tender grip to try and sit up to see him.

“Eloi?”

“Sssh.” Poe again.

“E? Eloi are you okay?”

Poe let her move slightly, helping her sit up enough to see him standing in the ship’s opening. A teenage boy with ancient eyes.

“I’m so sorry, E.” Erin struggled to say.

“Yeah.” Eloi replied before turning his attention back to Poe. “We gotta go.”

“I’ve got her.” Poe nodded firmly and moved to pull Erin up and into his arms. Erin wanted to protest and tell him she could walk but as soon as he moved her she knew she wouldn’t be able to.

“It’s okay. We got you. You can sleep now.”

And for the first time in a long time, Erin felt safe enough to let someone else take care of her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the last of this story. But no worries, part II will come so very soon! I'm excited for you guys to read it. Thank you so much for sticking with me for as far as you have, you guys make this such a wonderful experience.


	45. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of part I one of this story. But no worries, the story will continue. I hope you'll join me on the rest of this journey and thank you so much for reading the full 45 chapters to part I. It means the world!

She dreamt of him.

 

At first, she only dreamt of how his face looked when he talked, when he fought, when he read and when he slept. All these faces and they were all his. Light skin, freckles like constellations spreak across his skin and eyes that seemed to have seen a hundred lives. She dreamt of his hair and the way it smelled, she could almost sense its softness between her fingertips and remembered hers entangled with his in a dark wavy mess. She dreamt of his arms and the way her fingertips ran slowly down and up the crease where his arm met his shoulder. And she dreamt of his lips, full and red and softer than she could have ever imagined as she could almost feel them on her skin. She dreamt of how his nose caressed the skin of her neck before he would plant a kiss there. Memories flooding into her tired mind, filling her dreams with him. She felt warmth and light and comfort and love before it all turned dark, sending her spiralling, falling down until she landed at the bottom of a hole so deep she saw its entrance as a tiny white dot up above.

 

_“Where are you?”_

 

Erin’s eyes shot open.

 

Dark green and strange shadows were the only thing she saw. For a moment she stayed completely still, letting the pain of her aching heart and her tired body wash over her, crushing her like a wave until the disorientation set in and forced her to observe her surroundings. She was in a tent. The strange shadows were formed by sunlight reaching out through the dancing leaves above.

It was beautiful. Erin could hear people and birds and wind coming from outside, a warm breeze that played with the entrance of the tent sending the fabric back and forth. The tent smelled like dust and earth, the dark grey linen sheets that covered her carried a heady scent of soap and skin and hair that wasn’t hers. She’d recognized that smell anywhere.

 

She propped herself up on her elbows as she glanced around the tent, which was messy. Just like she remembered him.

Her thoughts started to wonder as she tried to recall how she had ended up here but her memories were a jumbled mess. She remembered most of what had happened, but she just couldn’t make sense of it, it was as if all of it -the First Order and Kylo Ren and falling in love with Ben- had happened to someone else. Erin knew she couldn’t process the enormous amount of emotions she felt stirring somewhere deep inside and as they tried to come out she pushed them back even harder.

 

The entrance of the tent was pushed aside, and Erin turned quickly in the bed to see who was there, the motion made her dizzy.

 “You’re awake…”

Poe Dameron watched her intently, his voice filled with concern and surprise which made Erin think she might’ve been asleep longer than he had anticipated her to be. She didn’t reply, unsure if she was ready to do so as she felt herself tremble. The sight of her best friend made her feel like she could crumble right at his feet.

“You’re safe here. Everyone’s dying to see you.” Poe said as he took careful steps forward as if he was approaching a wild animal. Erin wondered if that was what she looked like to him.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, ever so careful.

Erin contemplated the question as she looked down at the sheets that covered her legs. The dark grey made her miss his black sheets instead. She frowned as she pushed the sensation away angrily, he had sent her back to her worst nightmare, he didn’t deserve to be missed.

“How long have I been asleep?” she finally found the courage to speak.

“On and off for about five days.” Poe shrugged and moved to sit down at the edge of the bed, leaning forward so quick Erin hardly realized what was going on when he pulled her in for a hug. His hand pressed firmly to the back of her head, his curls tickling her nose as she felt how he held her as if she might break there and then. His arms keeping her broken pieces together as she allowed herself to relax into his embrace for just a moment, so close to falling apart. Erin closed her eyes and took in his scent. The scent of home.

“You’ve been kind of awake to eat. Or whenever you had your nightmares.” He mumbled into her hair before letting her go. Erin pushed herself back and swallowed back her tears.

“How did you find me?” she asked again, without emotion, gathering facts instead.

“I got your message.” He smiled slightly. “You didn’t think a little danger would keep me from getting to my best friend now did you?”

“Where’s Eloi?”

Poe’s face turned serious again, grave even as he glanced down before meeting her gaze again.

“He’s fine. He just needs some time.”

“He hates me.” Erin stated. Poe shook his head solemnly.

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just been through a lot. We all have.”

She knew he was talking about her and as she met his gaze she knew he was pleading with her to talk to him. To let him in again like she used to, but she couldn’t.

“Where are we?”

Poe looked at her for a long moment, considering something before answering her.

“Our new base. With help from a friend actually. It turned out someone got Leia’s distress call after all, he just showed up a little late.” Poe rolled his eyes playfully and grinned and Erin wondered how it was possible that this man was still able to smile in a world so cruel.

“Who was it?” Erin felt how a spark of curiosity brought part of her back to life.

“The infamous Lando Calrissian.”

“The Resistance hero?” Erin raised her brows, her voice suddenly much like it used to be.

“Apparently, yes.” Poe said excitedly, his smile broad as he continued to explain. “Leia says he’s been more than generous.”

_Leia._

Erin’s heart broke for the woman that had asked her to bring her son back home. She had failed, how would she ever explain to her what she had done to her son. How they have lost him forever when she betrayed him. Erin was lost in thought when she felt a warm hand over hers. When she looked up Poe’s face was serious once again. He switched so easily between emotions.

“She’s not mad at you, Erin.”

Erin knew this was true. She also knew that what Leia would be feeling was something much worse than anger. Disappointment. Erin had been so convinced Ben would realize his place was not with the First Order, she had seen it, she had seen his true self and it was nothing like the mask he wore as Kylo Ren. Or had she been mistaken?

She suddenly remembered how Poe en Eloi had looked at her back on the battlefield. There were far more people disappointed in her than she realized, coming back to the Resistance was only the beginning of a very difficult time.

“Are you?” she felt something stir behind her heart as their eyes glued together, the same something that had changed their friendship into something undefinable before she left. It took Poe a while to respond, his dark eyes full of contemplation. His face was unmoving, strong brows set in a slight frown as his lips remained pressed together and Erin knew that the answer was that he _was_. He was angry with her, she was just unsure what exactly had caused it. Was it what she had made him do to her or was it that she had fallen for the man considered their greatest enemy?

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” He finally said.

Erin looked out over his shoulder and could tell that the sun was setting as the light outside started to turn a bright orange. The sight of it was beautiful as she let herself get carried away by the sounds of everyday resistance life for a moment. Poe followed her glance and looked out at their friends and family.

“We managed to save quite some civilians back at Moar.” He looked back at her, eyes kind and warm. “Thanks to you.”

Erin couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes at the compliment.

“The First Order still has their leadership, though.”

“Are they still alive?” Poe was quick to ask, their conversation turning into a swift back and forth.

“When I was still there he had not spoken with them yet.”

“So that’s a yes…” Poe’s voice was bitter, of course he remembered what it was like to “ _speak_ ” to Kylo Ren as enemy to the First Order.  

“He doesn’t want to hurt them.” Erin found herself defending Ben once more and Poe scoffed. Loudly.

“You don’t believe that.”

“I do.”

“For all we know they’re already dead.”

“Only if the general got to them. Ben wasn’t going to kill them.”

“Ben?”

“Poe…”

“He’s Kylo Ren, Erin.”

“He’s not who you think he is.”

“Isn’t he though?”

“Poe…”

 “Enough.” He got up suddenly, his voice and eyes suddenly cold.

“You should get some rest. You can talk to Leia in the morning, share any information that could help us save them.”

“You’re going to the First Order…?” Erin didn’t mean to sound hopeful or eager, but she showed both and she could tell Poe despised her for it. He turned suddenly and shook his head as he stormed out of the tent, leaving Erin alone with her darkest thoughts.  

 

 

***

  
Life at the First Order didn’t stop. Nor did the voices in his head.

 

_He missed her._

_She left him._

_He missed her._

_He hated her._

_He missed her._

 

Every choice he had to make, every night after interrogating what was left of the New Republic’s leadership he was left in his empty bed wondering what advice she would give him. He missed talking even though he was now sworn to silence unless absolutely necessary.

He made his appearances, showed up at meetings, briefings and other official events. Ben felt things shift within the First Order, he could feel the eyes burning in his back whenever he roamed the halls of the Supremacy and he heard the whispers when he entered a room. A disturbance in the Force and everyone around him of anxiety and turmoil building up, surely coming to a boiling point soon. He was losing grip as a leader no matter how hard he tried to win them over. It was like swimming against the tide. A tide that had red hair a strong will and crazy determination. General Hux was turning the tables. For a moment he wondered if he could just kill the man. But it wasn’t just Hux, it was his ideology spreading like a virus. For generations the Hux men had infiltrated the Order. Killing the general could only result in one thing, complete mutiny.

 

 

He stared up at the ceiling contemplating all this, the hand on his chest rising and falling with each tired breath. Ben felt like he had lived a hundred lives without ever sleeping. A hundred lives filled with disappointment and hate. He longed for peace. Just a moment of it. A chance to catch his breath and feel calm.

Calm like she had made him feel once. He tried to push the thought of her away as he rolled over onto his side and stared out at the stars, but he couldn’t help wondering where she was. He felt lost without her. Not because he couldn’t live without a woman, he had done so for years.

No…when she had been with him she had helped him understand and defeat Kylo Ren and when she left him she had taken Ben Solo with her. He was a shell. A shadow of the man he had been and the man he could be. He didn’t know what to do, where to go or what he believed in. When Snoke was alive there had always been someone showing him the way albeit dark and hopeless, Ben had had purpose. All of that changed when Snoke had asked him to kill his father. Killing Han Solo had not set him free from his past but bound him to the longing for what could have been. Killing Snoke had not set him free from that either, it had only silenced the evil in his mind temporarily. For over twenty years Ben had been used to the abuse of the dark side and now that it was no longer here he felt like he had to find out who he was without it. He wasn’t entirely Kylo Ren but he wasn’t quite Ben Solo either. And although he hated her for betraying him and leaving him behind…she was the only one who had loved both.  
  
  
***  
  
Erin thought sleeping would be hard, but her body had quickly pulled her into a restless slumber after Poe had left. Her dreams filled with memories from the past that had been triggered by what Ben had done to her. Sending her back to Tabo-kul was worse than death and she knew he knew this. As she struggled to find her way out of her nightmares haunting her from her gruesome childhood she felt two slender hands shake her arm. The sensation brought her back to reality as she gasped for air when her eyes shot wide open. Her body immediately ready to defend itself, just like old times.

“Sssh.”

The hands belonged to Eloi. Eloi who was definitely not a child anymore as he sat on his knees next to the bed and rested his chin on her arm, watching her closely with his golden eyes. He was like the brother she never had.

“It’s me.” He said and although he spoke softly she could tell his voice was lower now. Erin took a deep breath and moved herself up just slightly but enough to see that there were pillows and blankets next to her bed. Eloi had been sleeping next to her.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He whispered, reaching out and brushing a tear Erin had not felt from her cheek with his thumb. She was taken by surprise by his kindness as she quickly moved her hand over her face to wipe away whatever other tears betrayed her. Eloi’s hair was still an almost exact copy of Poe’s, except for the colour that was the same shade of golden brown as his eyes. He was also wearing the same shirt and she could tell he was at an age where he needed to shave but he seemed not to, no doubt taking an example from Poe. The boy adored the man, always had.

“Together and safe.” Eloi whispered against her sleeve.

Erin’s eyes shot toward his as he spoke the words she had used so often in the past to comfort him when he was scared.

“I’m sorry.” Erin whispered. And she was. For leaving him behind, for putting someone else above him, for putting his life at risk, for letting him feel alone.

Eloi smiled ever so slightly, the right corner of his mouth pulling up in a crooked line. The one dimple in his cheek was still there to Erin’s relief. Maybe he had not changed that much after all.

“I know.” He said as he pursed his lips before grinning again. “You were pretty bad ass though.”

Erin’s brow raised, the comfort of his company keeping the tears in her eyes from falling.

“What?”

“I saw what you did for Poe.” He whispered, a little boy’s excitement in his voice. “It was amazing.”

“You saw that?”

“Yeah, the way you stopped that guy with the Force…that was incredible. I had no idea you could do that.”

Eloi’s eyes were filled with pride and marvel as he seemed to remember the fight, a spark she had only seen in one other person before.

“Me neither.” Erin said softly, looking down at her hands as if they alone held the power of the Force while she could feel its energy course through her body and Eloi’s and someone else…she looked around the tent to find Poe sleeping at the other side of the bed, spread out on the floor, tightly hugging a pillow under his head.

She frowned and sighed, remembering their fight from before and she could feel the guilt pull at her heartstrings.

“You okay, E?” Eloi again, squeezing her arm gently, his chin still resting on it.

She was far from okay and she didn’t feel like she deserved their sympathy like this. Erin looked at him and shook her head and as she did she could feel herself break.

“Hey…” Eloi was quick to move, his hand patting her cheek with such kindness that Erin burst out in tears, suddenly finding it hard to breathe.

“Hey, it’s okay.” The boy got up and moved onto the bed next to her, pulling her closer as if his arms could put all the broken pieces together. Erin relaxed into his arms gratefully, remembering all the time she had held him like this when she was little. She felt the warmth of his head pressed against the top of hers.

“It’s okay.” He whispered again.

 

But it wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. Erin was tired, her body, mind and heart aching and she felt completely heartbroken. As she cried she gasped for air, falling apart in the darkness of the night, enveloped in the arms of her only family. How often she had longed to be right here, with those she considered her people. But how could she ever feel at home when she had made a home out of _him_?

 

 

 

 

 

[The story continues - End Game: Salvation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15757176/chapters/36647700)


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